Original subtitles

The theater.

What? Well, we were all primed at the American Ninja when

we noticed a new couple in town about our age.

And?

And they were cuter than we are.

Don't you realize what this means?

We can't show our faces in town because their faces are better.

Guys, I don't know if it means anything, but I think you're cute.

Thanks, George, but it doesn't mean anything.

I'm glad I got it off my chest anyway.

Come on, Staplet.

Go upstairs and try to self -improve.

Oh, Michael, has it come to this?

This is my brother, Daryl, and this is my other brother, Daryl.

We was wondering, do you think Daryl here needs a trim?

Your hair looks okay to us.

Not there. Show them, Daryl.

If you have to unbutton your shirt to show me, I'd say it's fine.

Is that it?

Yep. They're the ones.

Guess I'm gonna have to arrest you three.

What?

Are you sure you got the right trio?

Officer, I know these men, and I can safely say... What

did they do?

Cattle heisting.

Farmer Bagley here reported a missing cow.

I walked by their eatery, heard mooing, investigated.

Found the missing milker in the basement of their cafe.

Hoof prints checked out.

Our basement? Couldn't be. We wouldn't pill for a bovine.

Officer, I really don't want to press any charges, but ever since they moved

next door, they've been kind of a nuisance.

Teasing my chickens.

Caught in my sheep.

And now stealing one of my cows. I guess I have no choice but to press charges.

Come on. Jail time.

Officer Shifflett, isn't that a little harsh?

Not really.

First they steal a cow.

Next to Heard.

Before you know it, we got a white slavery ring right here in River City.

I'm not with 63.

Oh, hi.

Thanks for visiting us while we're doing hard time.

You called me.

That's right. We're allowed one phone call.

And I was the lucky one.

Well, actually, we called Candy Bergen first, but her line was busy.

Well, I'm sorry you guys are in here. How are they treating you?

Roughest day of our lives.

Really? The hardest thing about jail is getting used to the cleanliness.

How can I help you guys?

Well, our trial's coming up. We want you to be our lawyer.

Me? Yeah. Well, you know us, and you know how our minds work.

I'm not sure that's a plus, guys.

You need a real attorney.

We don't trust real lawyers ever since L .A. law exposed their seamy undersides.

Fellas, I can't.

Don't you believe we're innocent?

I believe you're innocent. I'm just not trained to be a lawyer.

Let's see.

You don't want to be our lawyer, but you believe we're innocent.

You interested in serving on the jury?

Okay. Enough schmoozing.

Hands up.

Wait a minute.

Which one of you is the free man?

I want to bail him out. How much is it?

Bell fit at $85 each.

Or $200 for the three of them.

Hi,

Dick. Steph, your major muchacho está aquí.

Stephanie's still getting dressed.

Oh. How does she look?

She looks good. Good, Michael.

Good? That's it?

We haven't even left the house. We're already on the ropes.

Well, how do I look?

Terrific, Steph.

Not too white?

No, no, it's, uh... It's just eggshell enough.

Michael, is that the tie you're wearing tonight?

No.

Steph, look at us.

We were the Gibraltars of cute.

We can't let some trendy, hotsy -totsy newcomers destroy all we have.

You're right, Michael.

We can be cuter than them. No, we are cuter than them.

All right, Steph.

Wow. I just saw that new couple in town.

Are they adorable?

Gee, I didn't mean to upset them.

Maybe I'll go upstairs and explain that beauty is only skin deep.

Yeah, that should do it.

Good morning.

I'm inquiring about the Minuteman Cafe.

Next door? It seems to be closed.

Well, actually, the owners are... away right now.

Look, I'll be honest.

I heard the owners were having some problems.

And now that they're in jail, I...

Thought they might be looking to sell.

Oh, I don't think they'd be interested.

Too bad.

You know, with some refurbishing, that could be a real charming cafe.

Oh.

You're, uh... You're thinking of making it into a nice place.

You did?

They're not interested.

Well, I'm Wendell Bellow. I'm in real estate investment.

If they change their minds...

Here's my card.

You're not really thinking that... Hi, a new neighbor next door might be a

refreshing change.

I mean, we just met him, but he doesn't seem like the type who would taunt

sheep.

Hi.

I'm Larry, ex -con.

This is my ex -con brother, Daryl.

And this is my other ex -con brother, Daryl.

Well, we're glad you guys are out.

Our trial's Thursday.

We're sorry you won't take her case, but I think we're going to be just fine.

Great. Who'd you get?

Hi. I'm Larry for the defense.

You? Yeah. I already took a shingle off the roof and hung it up.

Larry, have you ever heard the expression that...

A person who represents himself as a fool for a client.

Daryl, make a note.

I'll work that into my opening remarks.

Larry, you don't really want to do this. Yes, I do.

I've brushed up on the law, and I believe I can swing everything for us

conjugal visits.

We've come up with a very clever defense.

Daryl and me will have that jury in tears when we get through with our

reenactment.

Larry, a puppet show isn't the soundest legal approach.

Oh, don't worry. That's only our opening.

I plan on summing up with my Al Pacino, you're all out of order speech.

Larry, if you represent yourselves, I guarantee you'll wind up in jail.

Oh, well, come on, Darryl. Let's go practice being ankle -chained together.

All right, I'll represent you. Dick, Dick.

Dick, you're not a lawyer.

Honey, which one of us is more not a lawyer?

I hate to barge in again, but guess who I'm here to collar?

They just got out.

Find another bag with cows on their premises.

Second offense.

You guys know the routine.

Time for the bracelets.

I have mixed feelings.

I mean, on the one hand, this makes us two -time losers, but on the other, it's

flattering to be asked back.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, take a long, hard

look at my clients.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, take a quick peek at my client.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, good night and drive safely.

How's this suit for court, honey?

It's kind of a lawsuit.

Good one, jury.

I tried to stop you, honey.

Look what I brought you, Dick. Some notepads.

I already have some, George. Yeah, but those aren't legal pads, dear.

So how's the case going, honey? It's going great. I've been practicing my

wheeling.

You know, that's where you suddenly turn to catch the witness by surprise.

You slowly,

casually...

walked toward the jury, and then all of a sudden... It's hard to believe

this is your first time.

Dick, the wheeling's great, but how's the actual case going?

It's going fine.

I think Larry, Daryl, and Daryl were framed. I think somebody planted those

in the basement.

Well, Dick, maybe Larry, Daryl, and Daryl did do it.

What?

know about them, their backgrounds?

Well, we know they're not royalty.

I mean, we don't know where they're from. They pop up four years ago from

nowhere carrying sacks with God knows what in them. Dick, we don't even know

they have last names.

Honey, I know I'm not exactly defending the Hardy Boys.

Unless that, of course, is their last name.

But I believe in their innocence.

So do I, Dick.

I was just playing devil's advocate.

See, that's the kind of thing the prosecution is going to jump on.

And that's why I'm going to find as many character witnesses as I possibly can.

George, I may be calling you to the stand.

I'm ready, Dick. If the guys get convicted, they may lose the cafe.

That's it.

Wendell Bellow.

It's him.

The real estate guy?

It all adds up.

Bellow's a real estate speculator.

He plants the cows in the basement. He incriminates Larry, Daryl, and Daryl,

tarnishes their reputation, and buys the cafe for

a song.

You want to get some of this down, Dick?

Dick, this is all conjecture. You have no proof.

Just wait till I get Bellow on the stand and do my wheeling.

So, Dick, are you nervous?

Are you kidding?

It's an open and shut case.

Look at Bellow squirming over there.

I don't know if that means he's guilty, Dick. That's where a nail sticks up out

of the seat.

Hi,

I'm Larry. This is my brother Daryl. Guys.

What's with the outfits?

We're just following your advice. You said to dress for courting.

I said to dress for court.

You mean we ain't gonna leave here with any girls?

Come on.

Tiffany, Michael.

It's so nice that you came to show your support for Larry and the Daryl.

That's really not why we're here, Joanna.

Stolen cows are one thing. We're worried about stolen thunder.

We figured we'd be safe here. This is the only place in town we know that cute

couple won't show up.

Mayday! Cute couple at three o 'clock.

Whoa, they're adorable.

Yeah. He's an Adonis and she's cute as a button. And look how manageable her

hair is.

Sorry.

Maybe I could drive the bailiff to have him bounced.

Michael, we're through running. We have to deal with this like two adults.

Let's look for flaws.

Dick, I took a look at your opening statement and I think it might be a bit

flowery. Honey, it's essential that a lawyer win over the jury immediately

a colorful speech. It can determine the outcome of the trial.

Docket number 6119.

The state of Vermont versus Larry, Daryl, and Daryl.

Are the attorney and the innkeeper ready with their opening remarks?

I am, Your Honor.

Mr. Sheff.

These guys are guilty and I'm going to prove it.

Mr. Loudon.

Ladies

and

gentlemen of the jury, I believe it was William Shakespeare who said, the

quality of mercy...

is not strained.

These guys are not guilty and I'm going to prove it.

After careful scouring in the basement, I turned up the evidence.

One Guernsey cow.

Female.

I also checked their books.

The day the moon was bunking there, the sale of milkshakes had tripled.

Thank you. No further questions.

Your witness.

No questions.

Okay, I'm free to go.

Excuse me. Before we go any further, is there any particular pose you'd like for

the artist's rendering?

Did you steal that cow from Farmer Bagley? No. We're innocent as a baby's

Please, just answer the questions.

Isn't it true that if you did have a cow on your premises, it might be helpful

to your restaurant business?

That's true.

We'd use it for milk or hamburger, depending on how the cow behaved.

Have you ever broken the law?

Is smearing yourself with petroleum byproducts illegal?

No. Then we're clean.

Tell me, this past year, didn't your Christmas cards come with an enclosed

lightning bug?

Either a lightning bug or a cricket, depending on whether you're on the A or

list.

And weren't you once found swimming in the town's water tower?

We're better to look for them three Petticoat Junction gals.

Oh, Jetson, Your Honor, these are hobbies, boyish shenanigans that have

nothing to do with the case.

They have everything to do with the case. Your Honor, I'm establishing that

these people don't think the way we do.

I mean, stealing is wrong to us, but to them it might be just a boyish

shenanigan. You may proceed, Mr. Chef.

Isn't it a fact that you stole Farmer Bagley's cattle, increased lackluster

sales? No.

Your Honor, I move that Mr.

Chef's last remarks be stricken from the record.

Your Honor, are we going to listen to a man who's not even using legal pants?

Mr. Loudon, your objection's overruled.

No further questions.

Redirect, Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like you to take a good look at these

Do they look guilty?

Of course they do!

But we can't judge people by their faces alone.

Appearance isn't everything in life.

All the evidence

is circumstantial.

No further questions.

You may step down.

Mr. Loudon, you may call your next witness.

The defense needs to call only one witness.

I would like to call Wendell Bellow to the stand.

Name? Wendell Bellow?

Occupation? Real estate broker?

Don't you mean real estate speculator?

No, it's broker.

Isn't it true that you were looking for a way to buy the Minuteman Cafe?

Yes.

And with them in jail, didn't that give you a terrific bargaining tool?

And you could buy the cafe... for a song?

Not really.

Isn't it true, in fact, you planted the cows in the basement and made it look

like Larry, Daryl, and Daryl had put them there? Isn't that true?

No. Isn't it true you set the whole thing up? Admit it! Admit it! All right!

I admit it! I admit it!

I planted the cow.

Please, I'm building to something here.

But it was me.

I did it. Your Honor, I can't work like this.

Mr. Loudon, he's trying to confess.

That's good for you.

Oh.

Percy, I framed them.

They were pests.

They would constantly walk upwind and drive my herd crazy.

Besides, with them in jail, I could take over their land and expand my property

line. My cows needed more room for grazing.

You didn't have to do that. We don't mind if your critters roam on our land.

You don't?

Gee, I'm sorry.

Case dismissed.

Dick!

Dick, you were wonderful.

We thank you for a moment there.

We thought Lady Justice was going to take off her blindfold, dip it in water,

and snap our behinds all the way to Big House.

Excuse me, sir.

You are a member of the jury.

Which couple do you think is cuter?

Us or them?

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but we're glad Miss Bergen's line was

busy.

Thank you, Larry. Those are the nicest words an attorney could ever want to

hear.

Okay, Steph, I polled all the jurors. Three to three. It's a deadlock.

Wait a minute.

Michael, I think the judge winked at me.

Then we are the cutest. We won!

We won!

Meow.