Original subtitles

Oh, hi.

Is room fixed available?

That's my favorite.

Oh, you've been to the Stratford before?

Oh, you bet.

The old place still looks the way it did the last time I was here.

When was that?

1775.

We've had those two chairs reupholstered since then.

It works?

Jonathan Curtis.

This light.

Jonathan Curtis.

Dick, Dick Loudon, that would be this life, too.

You know, the last time I was here, I was a scared young fur trapper named

Patrick Todd on my way to join General Washington's militia. Well, I can't tell

you how many times this innkeeper has heard that story.

Oh, George, would you show Mr.

Curtis to his room?

Sure. Oh, you're in the John Hancock room.

You named a room after him after he stole all those towels?

He did? Well, I guess my history teacher was covering that up.

Dick, do you really think we should have let that guy check in?

Honey, I'm not going to discriminate against a man because of race, creed, or

number of lives.

Good morning, Dick.

Jim, Chester.

Dick, as mayor, I've selected you to do a big favor for the town. It's a great

honor. Especially for a newcomer.

A newcomer, John, and I have lived here for five years.

We know, but we're still willing to take the risk.

Dick, the town library is suffering from a serious book shortage. Everyone's

already read the ones we got.

And to make matters worse, some scofflaws haven't been returning their

books.

Oh, that reminds me.

They're meaning to return those.

So that's what happened to the fiction wing.

irresponsible, but with your advertising background and all, I think you're the

man to be in charge of getting more books for the library.

You mean a book drive?

Wow, he's already come up with a catchphrase.

So you'll do it, Dick?

I'd be honored.

I guess all this unpacking and settling in is just going to have to wait.

How's it going with the book drive?

Oh, pretty good. It was...

It would help if I had someone to bounce ideas off of like I did in my ad agency

days.

Honey, would you stick around for a while?

That sounds like fun.

Okay.

Raising money to buy books. Book drive, book drive, book drive.

What about an auction?

Honey, you're the bouncy.

I'm the bouncer.

Sorry. Now, where was I?

Book drive.

Book drive.

Book drive.

Right. Book drive.

Raising money to buy books.

Buying books. Borrowing books. Adopting books. Adopt a book. Adopt a book!

That's it, Joanna. You're in crap.

What's adopt a book?

Honey, you were there.

We make a list of books we want, and then people put up the money to adopt.

A book with a library.

Oh, that's really cute.

We'll make posters. I see Hemingway Poe Shakespeare in baby bonnets saying,

adopt me, adopt me.

Oh, this is great. It's starting to write itself.

Yeah, all you have to do is get a couple of backup ideas and you're all set.

Backup ideas.

Joanna, when you've been in the ad game as long as I have, you can smell a

winner.

Adopt a book.

Take a whiff.

As most of you know, the library has been suffering from a marked shortage of

volumes. Yeah, does anybody know who gutted the fiction wing?

I'm proud to announce that because of his advertising background, we've asked

Dick Loudon to help us solve the problem.

Excuse me, but should we be giving so much responsibility to such a blatant

newcomer?

Harley, the Loudons have been here longer than you.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

We realize when this town wants to know what's acceptable and what ain't, it

takes its cue from us.

And we're giving him thumbs up.

Thanks, sir.

Sure, he has his quirks.

But with adequate supervision, we think he'll do a fine job.

Well, with that vote of confidence, here he is, Dick Loudon.

Thank you. Wow.

Look at that easel.

And a special thanks to George Utley for making this easel.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea that is going to get the library so many

books that someone is going to actually have to alphabetize the card catalog.

Wow.

How are we going to get all these wonderful works of literature?

Where is the money coming from?

Three magic words.

Adopt a book.

How does it work?

As simple as its title.

A person picks out the book.

Of his choice. In return, his name is engraved on the jacket alongside the

of one of these gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Adopt a book.

What else you got, Dick?

Trust me, people won't be able to resist this idea.

Who are those ugly babies?

All right, forget the poster. The adopt -a -book idea is a winner.

Boy, a guy blows into town, says he's been in advertising, and we believe him.

All right, I'd like to rescind our previous endorsement.

Now, now, Dick's a professional. I'm sure he wouldn't come in here without

backup ideas.

Go ahead, Dick.

You know, I have some, but I don't have any that were really

thought through carefully.

Honey? Honey?

What about the auction idea?

Honey, nobody's going to get excited about an auction.

Auction? Hey, that's a great idea!

Yeah.

Actually, the auction was Joanna's idea.

It's great.

No babies with beards.

Let's hear it for Joanna.

Well, if you liked it here so much the first time, why did you wait 200 years

come back?

Actually, I tried once about 50 years ago when I was a grasshopper.

that porch before some kid caught me in a mayonnaise jar and the little beggar

forgot to punch holes in the lid.

That wasn't me. I always punched holes.

Don't mind me. Just here for the meeting to plan the big auction.

Just talk among yourselves.

Anyway, George, being a bug is always the worst.

It's right at the happy ending, though.

A couple of days later, I came back as a housefly.

I figure, what the hell? I'm looking at a two -day lifespan tops.

So that morning, I dive -bombed the little beggar's cornflakes.

Yeah, revenge is sweet.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

What can you tell me about the male cock schmoozing with your handyman?

He's some dead guy who checked in yesterday.

I had a hunch.

All I can say is I would only come back as myself.

I'm sorry, George.

You can't do that.

Well, then you can just forget it.

Officer Shifflett, welcome to our town.

Where are you from, stranger?

Oh, here and there.

Now and then.

I'll be watching you.

Well, things were all here.

Start the meeting.

Let the record show I was here first.

Since we're having an auction, my guess is we're going to need an auctioneer.

I hired one from the Boston Guild, and he comes with his own gavel. Wow, she's

good.

Oh, boy.

Dick's here.

Don't mind me. I'm just getting a cup of coffee.

Honey, are you sure you won't stay? We could really use your help. Honey, the

auction was your idea.

Besides, what could I add? People bid, people buy.

Well, I made a lot of calls today, and everybody wants to give something.

And get this.

Ted down at NOAC Antiques has agreed to donate a whole bunch of stuff.

Well, that's terrific.

Then all we have to do is decide where to have the auction.

Geez. It's too late in the year to have it outside.

Why don't we try the library?

There's plenty of room.

There's no books there.

I checked, but Mrs. Terrell said the auctioneer would have to whisper.

Excuse me, guys. I don't mean to interrupt, but the reason I couldn't get

this auction thing was I had a feeling you were going to run into big problems.

I have a new idea that doesn't have any location snagged.

What is it, Dick?

Picture this.

We have a booth in town where people buy books for the library directly.

Maybe a donor's card on the cover with the donor's name.

I call it Foster Books.

Boy, talk about beating a dead horse.

Okay, but good luck on finding a place where the town can have an auction.

Hey, what about the town hall?

That, uh, that could work.

Thanks for your help, honey.

I think the town hall is the perfect place to have it. Why not?

Do you

believe this

turnout? It's everything we hoped for.

And more.

Oh, hi, Joanne. Can you believe all this?

It just goes to show you how this town gets behind a really great idea.

Oh, hi, Dick.

Joanna, the auctioneer is really anxious to meet the lady who put this all

together. Oh, honey, I'll be right back.

Gee, Dick, it took a lot of guts for you to show up at Joanna's auction.

She make you come?

JJ, I don't expect you to understand this, but I'm hoping it'll be just as

success as everyone else.

Sure, Dick.

I'd like to run that smile through a polygraph.

Honey, this is James Reeves, the auctioneer from the Boston Guild. This

husband, Dick.

So everybody tells me you're an auctioneer.

Yeah, who are you going to believe, me or everybody?

Okay, people.

Let's start the auction and the bidding.

Our first item is contributed by Miss Stephanie Vanderkellen. A strand of gold

appraised as priceless.

Thank you.

It's hair.

Five dollars.

I have five dollars.

Michael, bid now.

A cupcake? I already have enough of your locks at home to weave a car cover.

Michael, do you want my hair in another man's pillow?

Ten dollars.

Fifteen. Twenty.

Twenty -five dollars.

To you, sir.

Fifty dollars.

I have fifty dollars.

Will anybody make it sixteen?

Sold to the gentleman for fifty dollars.

Oh, Dick, fifty dollars.

Must be a new hair record.

Steph, you didn't donate anything else, did you?

Michael, even my generosity has its limit.

Our next item is a clock radio, donated by Chester and Dora Wanamaker. Why don't

we start the bidding at $30?

Do I hear $30?

Hey, Chester, isn't that the one you said was always shorting out on you?

Okay, do I hear $20?

$20, $20, $20, $20, $20. I'll give you 50 cents for it.

What are you going to do with a busted radio?

When you're unemployed with nothing to do, smashing things kind of fills the

time.

Sold for 50 cents.

Our next item, donated by Dewey Leahy, is an all -shook -up salt and pepper set

commemorating the death of Elvis Presley.

Well, let's start the bidding at $20.

Say, Dewey, did you ever get the nose back on the pepper one?

It's breakable. I'll give you 50 cents for it.

Close again for 50 cents.

Dick, tell me it's going to get better.

You've just had two bad items in a row, that's all.

Our next item is donated by Larry, Daryl, and Daryl.

A critter du jour dinner for three at the Minute Man Cafe.

I dare anyone to find anything wrong with that.

I don't know the Minuteman Cafe, but I'm sure it's one of the finer restaurants

in Vermont.

Why don't we open the bidding at $20? Do I get $20?

$20 bid down.

$20 bid, $20 bid, $20 bid, $20 bid, $20 bid, $20 bid, $20 bid down.

Ten. Who will give me ten? Who will give me ten?

I'll take the first $1 bid.

$1 bid, $1 bid, $1 bid down. Come on, Daryl. Let's get on home so we can take

this insult line down.

Oh, feelings are being heard.

I want to be nice. Michael Bidds.

One dollar.

Boom. Finally.

You and Miss Stephanie are in for a treat.

Beryl, you best be checking the interstate to find out just what that

the day is.

Why don't we just skip ahead to the big undamaged items?

Donated by Noah's Antiques, we have a collection of toys dated between 1750

1770 and highlighted by this snow sled.

Appraised at $3 ,000.

Thank God for the horse. I'll open the bidding at $1 ,000. $21 ,000. $1 ,000.

,000. My sled!

And Harry the horse.

And my skates.

Drop that toy or you're a dead man, dead man.

These toys are mine. My father made them for me when I was a little boy.

Wow, some antiques. That sled must be all of 20 years old.

Oh, everybody, wait, please.

Please come back. It's all right. They're real antiques.

He's reincarnated.

I'll give you 50 cents for it.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Loudon, but I could lose my license for presiding over a sham

auction. God only knows if the Elvis Shakers will legit.

We don't even have an auctioneer. Oh, dear.

The next item up for bid? Dick, the auction's over.

The auction isn't over until the fat lady is sold.

Our next item is this cookie jar, and we'll start the bidding at $1.

Do I, do I, do I hear $1?

Could you speed it up, Dick? We're dozing off here.

$1, $1, $1, $1, $1, Dick.

$1, $1, $1, $1, $1, $1, Dick.

Do I, do I hear $2?

Harley had Mrs. Peterson's soul on this waffle iron. When she made a sharp turn,

I rolled off the hood.

Okay, Dick, let's hear it.

Aren't you going to say I told you so?

Maybe not.

It was a total disaster.

It wasn't a total disaster.

Harley had the fever. I had to lend him 50 cents.

What good can $347 do for a library?

If only Stephanie had donated more hair.

Would it help if I did $20 on waffle iron?

Oh, honey.

You are so sweet.

Probably the world's worst auctioneer, but darn sweet.

Especially since a part of you wanted this auction to fail.

That's not true.

Well, you know, maybe a tiny part.

But I didn't want it to be a complete failure.

I just didn't want it to be, you know, a rousing success.

Well, I wish we could have raised a few thousand for the library. We just let

the town down, Dick.

There they are.

So, okay, honey, I don't smell any tar.

Listen, everyone, I want to apologize for letting you all down.

What do you mean, apologize? Didn't you hear? We raised $347.

Yeah, a Newtown fundraising record.

That's the record?

It's the first time we cracked that elusive three -figure barrier.

With the library discount, we should be able to add about 70 new books.

And based on this rousing success, you're no longer a newcomer.

Joanna, you're a full -fledged member of the town.

Well, thank you.

What about Dick?

Any more ideas, Dick?

Welcome to our town.

Meow.