Original subtitles

Previously on Newhart.

You cannot date someone else and me, nor can you kiss someone else and me. You

have to choose.

Goodbye, Stan.

What do you think?

Va -va -va -boom!

Dick? I think I'd have to throw in an extra va.

It's for the WPIV anniversary party.

Who'd imagine we'd be going to anything as elegant as a premiere party in

Vermont? Oh, that reminds me. I signed us up to bring the jello mold for the

after -show potluck.

I can't wait to see you in the special. You are in it, right?

Michael says I'm featured heavily.

And you trust that weasel hat after what he did to Stephanie?

Joanna, you're just mad at him because he broke up with Stephanie. He destroyed

her.

I mean, there are two sides to this thing.

Right and wrong.

Michael and Stephanie's.

I've never seen Stephanie this down.

Feet up! Feet up!

So sad.

Feet up!

I'm so sorry, Mr. Jenkins, Mr. Jenkins.

Her heart's been broken by a weasel.

Stephanie, you can finish this later.

Fine.

I think I'll finish this later, too.

Hi, I'm Larry. We know who you are. You told us a thousand times, do you think

we're morons?

No, ma 'am.

But we come bearing news that might move your spirits in an upward direction.

I'd speed that along, Larry.

Miss Stephanie, we heard you was available, and I've come a -calling.

And to prove that my intentions are sincere, I've brought the traditional

gifts. Flowers, candy, and sausage casings.

He is sincere.

Oh, Larry.

Did we have to do something?

I don't know, honey. Why don't we just leave her to her grief?

At least until she's finished with the downstairs.

Hi, we're Mr.

and Mrs. Worley.

The newlyweds.

Uh -oh.

I hate to see you like this. So upset.

So hurt.

So dangerous.

Stephanie, I know you're torn up about Mike. What?

Me torn up? Are you kidding? I haven't even thought of that name. What the hell

does she look like, Dick?

Stephanie, I don't want to be in the middle of this Michael Yu thing.

Dick, I'm a desperate woman. I vacuumed under a bed.

She's medium with reddish hair.

Michael is a sick man.

Yeah. Joanna and I both feel that your attitude is starting to affect your

Is he taking her to the WPIB party?

I think so. We're very pleased with your new desire to clean.

It's a little scary, but we're pleased. What kind of a girl is she?

She's nice. However, the threats to the guests have got to stop. That's it?

Nice?

Michael left blonde, perky, and drop -dead gorgeous for nice?

My God, whatever happened to the laws of nature?

So the upshot of what I'm trying to say is that it isn't doing you any good to

be so angry. You should just calm down and get on with your life, and then

George will stop having these nightmares.

All right, Dick.

I admit I have been a little angry.

Maybe I should just try and relax and take some other action instead.

Good for you.

Thanks, Dick.

So from now on, no more cleaning.

You know, it wouldn't hurt to be angry a couple days a week.

After this word, we'll be back with more of the WPIV Anniversary Show.

I just want to say, Michael, Sue's a nice job.

Yeah, this has sure been a great show.

Hey, we should have a fifth -year anniversary program every year.

Susan, thanks for all your hard work. We're going to miss you. Thank you.

Michael, I haven't seen any footage of Vermont today.

Hey, I'm trying to enjoy this clever wine cooler commercial, if you don't

Dick.

Trust me, Dick, you are featured.

There are only a few minutes left. They're taking the covers off the

Well, we've certainly gone down memory lane tonight.

anniversary show would be complete without a look into our closet of goofs,

gaffs, and blunders. Here are some moments from Vermont today.

I'd like to welcome today's guest, Mr. Static Electricity. Hi, Dick. Shake.

Well, Dick?

Michael, you made me look like a fool. Not really, Dick.

The whole thing was clearly Mr. Static Electricity's fault.

Well, I gotta run. Susan looks like she could use some punch.

My God, look who's here.

Stephanie!

What are you doing here?

Joanne!

Robert, this is Dick and Joanna. Dick, Joanna, Robert. We met at Dartmouth.

Oh. You attend Dartmouth?

No, I heard it was a great place to pick up chicks.

And sure enough, first day out, Stephanie picks me up.

Well, I just thought that we'd stop by and I'd say hello and Robert wouldn't

anything. Remember, Robert?

Oh, right.

Stephanie, do you think this is such a good idea?

We'll see.

Oh, there's Michael now.

And if that's her, this was a brainstorm.

I got a punch for my Judy.

I got you one, too.

Steph!

Michael, what are you doing here?

Steph, you here?

Now, have a punch.

Thank you.

I don't believe you've met my frequent date, Robert Cameron.

Hi.

And this is Susan Folgar, my... Uh, friend.

How do you do?

I think I'll be just fine.

Nice party.

Excuse me, I think I see someone from the station.

My God, Michael, she's not even blonde.

I know.

this foolishness now and I'll try to forgive you. No, Steph, I like her.

I can't believe you.

Have you seen Robert in full profile?

You look great, Steph.

And he looks manufactured.

Thanks.

But I'm here with Susan and I think you should go home now. Please.

I'm back.

Okay? Good.

Michael, I wanted to play fair, but... Here I am, right next

to her.

Stephanie!

When you finally come to your senses, Robert and I will be over there, billing

and cooing. That sounds like fun.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I saw you come in here, and I thought it must be the ladies' room.

Yes.

Well, I guess now that the show's over and your job is finished, you'll be

moving on.

I've taken a job in town.

Enough small talk.

Give him up, Susan. I had him first.

I don't really think seniority matters in these things. Besides, Michael's free

to do whatever he wants, and he chooses to be with me.

Okay, what threats are you using?

None.

Oh, right.

Despite my look, I wasn't born yesterday.

Michael having fun with someone who isn't me.

I mean, what could you two do?

Lots of things.

We talk about old TV shows?

Oh, well, sure.

You two have television in common, but the things Michael and I share go much

deeper. Like fashion.

Well, we also talk about other things like our past, our dreams, current

Ew.

Maybe Michael likes me because I'm nice to him.

I wasn't going to tell you this because I was trying to protect your feelings.

But the day Michael met you, I saw his to -do list, and it said, meet a girl

break her heart.

Stephanie, I know how hard it is to break up with a love.

Think about it.

Would you really want Michael knowing that he only came back because you came

here and bullied me into letting him go?

I think I would.

Stephanie! Susan, opposite corner.

Were you mean to her, Steph?

Maybe she was mean to me.

Right.

Susan, mean.

Well, it's just such a ludicrous thought.

Come on, Robert.

I don't know how you're going to get home.

Well, I finished my stack of anonymous letters expressing my outrage at the

shabby treatment Vermont Today got on the anniversary program.

And I finished the anonymous phone calls.

Are you sure they didn't know it was you?

I seriously doubt that.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

I'll just eat this dry toast up in my room if you don't mind. The guest miles

are bringing me down.

Is there anything we can do?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess maybe lots of poor steps would help a little.

Poor Steph.

Thank you.

Poor Steph.

Hi.

We don't want to infuriate anyone, so note the name tags.

Miss Stephanie?

To help you check out of Heartbreak Hotel, Daryl here is offering to court

Susan person away from that gad about Michael.

Larry, I'd like to thank you for this offer and apologize for the other day,

I'm too depressed to deal with social graces.

Miss Stephanie, would it make you feel better if we was to throw ourselves out?

Infinitely. Done.

Archie Bumpkins, out.

to remember how you got them to do that.

I don't know what to do.

Joanna, you've been married forever.

How do you get a relationship to last?

Well, I'd say we love each other, respect each other, are nice to each

There's that word again.

And it has nothing to do with clothing.

Stephanie. Our relationship has lasted simply because we meet each other's

needs.

Well, you can't meet each other's every need.

What do you mean?

I mean no one person can meet another person's every need.

Well, that's why we're special.

Because I meet all your needs.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do. Dick, you don't.

Fine. Name a need, I'll meet it.

going to name my niece.

Go ahead. Name a niece.

So, Stephanie, how are you doing?

George, you're supposed to be a nice person.

How does a person become nice?

Do you want to be nice, Stephanie?

Well, it seems to be all the rage.

Boy, that'd be great.

Let's see. First, you'd have to stop pouting.

not throw tantrums, and be kind to other people.

Maybe I'll just try this need -meeting thing of Joanna and Dick.

There you go. The 19 basic needs, named, counted, and met.

You give me a pain sometimes, you know that?

Okay, George.

Tell me the nice rules again.

Slowly.

Well? Come on, come on.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you were going to meet me out front 20 minutes ago. Oh, that's right.

I'm so sorry.

Bev's making me answer all these anonymous letters.

I'm slime. I'm sorry.

That's okay. Stop apologizing.

Why? Am I doing it wrong?

No, it's just not necessary.

Oh, that's right. You don't care.

I care about you. I just don't care that you relate.

Hey, guess what? I got something for you.

Not another gift.

Correct, for $500.

Michael, you practically buy me a gift a day.

You're welcome.

I can't enjoy so many when I know you can't afford them.

I'm good at buying. I love to buy.

I know you are, but it makes me feel guilty.

Please return that.

Susan, I can exchange, but I don't know how to return.

Just keep this one, Lamb Chop.

Oh, sorry, I forgot. No nicknames.

Okay. I don't dislike Lamb Chop. I just prefer Susan.

Like I prefer Michael to Mikey Bugs.

It was just a passing thought.

This is sort of a fight, isn't it?

Well, not anymore.

Where are we going today?

Michael, you promised me you'd think of something. Well, I'm just so bad at

making these decisions.

Well, let's see. We could... No, you wouldn't like that.

We could... No, I wouldn't like that.

How about... How about we sit and talk?

Again?

Well, it's just that we talked yesterday and the day before that, and that sort

of does it for me.

I never knew someone to run out of talk.

I never knew someone not to.

I mean, there are only so many topics.

I have one that needs discussing.

Badly. What?

Us.

Lambchop and Mikeybugs.

Hi, newlywed.

I... I want to apologize for scaring you the other day when you checked in.

And for short -sheeting your bed.

I'm really sorry.

That's okay.

My boyfriend is on the way over right now, and I have to be nice to him, so

you'll have to leave.

Hi, Steph. I rushed over as soon as I heard. Here you go.

An emergency loofah sponge.

Thank you so much. You're a good friend.

Wait a minute.

Those elbows have been recently scrubbed and exfoliated.

I know. I lied.

Why?

I wanted you to come over so that we could.

Here, first let me take your coat.

Michael, I've never done this before. Do I just hang it with the others?

Would you like to sit down?

What did you want to talk about?

Michael, how have you been?

Okay. Steph, are you all right?

Fine, but enough about me.

Michael, what was your past like?

Do we really have to talk about that?

Well... How about television?

I saw Gilligan's Island.

And you left it on?

Some lovely gown.

Ginger.

Oh, I used to confuse them, too.

Look, Steph, if you don't mind, I really am not in the mood to chat.

Oh, I see.

Well, isn't that just what you'd expect?

Michael, do you think a person can be nice and angry at the same time?

I guess.

Good. Well, poo on you, Michael Harris.

If a person is trying to be pleasant and talk, then the person she is trying to

be pleasant to should be courteous and talk back, even if that person isn't

precious Susan.

Is that what this is all about?

Just sit there.

What is this?

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

You made these by yourself?

I tried, but Joanna had to help.

Oh, Steph, what have I done to you?

Oh, can you ever forgive me?

For which?

Making me be like this or breaking up with me?

Both.

Oh.

Maybe.

Susan and I realized that our friendship happened just because of the

circumstances. I mean, she and I were together day and, um, day.

But we aren't right for each other.

Oh, Steph, I don't want kind. I don't want nice. I want you.

Oh, Michael.

If I forgive you now, will you make it up to me later?

Yes. And will I ever have to do this nice stuff again?

Maybe once in a blue moon.

And exactly how often is the moon blue?

Hardly ever, Steph.

Michael Harris, this is yours again.

I don't deserve you.

That's the boy I love.

Meow.