Original subtitles

And how many were there?

Forty -five to fifty.

Forty -five to fifty ants?

Correct.

All on one cracker?

That's right.

Well, that's certainly all we'll ever want to know about our third world

neighbors.

Thank you, Dr. Marquette, for being on the show.

Anchor clear.

Great show, Dr. Marquette.

You know, you really... Hi, Bev. What did you think of the show?

I missed it. Then it was one of my best.

Listen, I'm going to be out of town for a few days. The station owner just

called. He has to miss the TV Marketplace Convention, so I've got to

place. What's the TV Marketplace Convention?

Dick, Dick, try to learn something about the industry you work in.

That's where we buy old TV shows and put them in our new fall lineup.

Oh, sort of out with the old and... in with the old.

A word of advice, Bev. If I were you, I'd stay away from that colorized

of Father Knows Best.

I hear Bud turned out green.

I'll make a note.

Oh, is there anything I can do for you while you're gone? Water your plants,

feed your fish, breed your dog?

Everything is taken care of. All I have to do is cancel my ranger girls meeting.

Well, cancel that cancellation.

I can handle that scout thing.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but you're looking at a former weeblo.

You know, Michael, you're impressing the hell out of us.

These are Ranger girls, Michael. It has to be a woman.

Well, then let me be the one to find you a substitute troop leader.

It's not that simple, Michael.

We have activities planned. They have no problemo.

I've got the perfect person.

Joanna. Right, Dick?

Michael, there might be a problemo.

Michael, you can't just volunteer someone without asking them first.

Well, you can if it's for a good cause, which this is.

Anyway, only a louse would turn down the ranger girl, but Joanna's not a louse.

Is she, Dick?

Of course not.

Then it's settled. No, it isn't.

Look, Michael, I'll get you a list of the girls' names and phone numbers.

get a substitute or call them and cancel. Will do, Beth.

So, Dick... No way, Michael. You ask Joanna.

But, Dick, you know how to manipulate her.

You talked her into marrying you, didn't you?

Well, what do you think?

I think it's a nice piece of wood, George.

Thanks, Dick. It's my first shot at carving.

I was always pretty good at pointy sticks, but who would have thought I had

in me?

You're another guy who carves wood.

What?

What is it? It's a miniature replica of Mount Rushmore.

Who is this?

That's you, Dick.

They started out as presidents, but they came out looking more like people I

know.

The one in the middle is Mr. Green Jeans.

Oh, honey, look. George has immortalized me and, um...

It looks like Mount Rushmore.

Wow, I am good at this.

Yeah, this is Lincoln and Jefferson and me and Mr. Greenjeans.

Very imaginative, George.

Well, actually, it makes sense. If it weren't for the problem of time and

we would have all hung out together.

I was hoping you'd like it. You know, I'm going to let you put...

Mount Stratford.

On display right here in the inn.

Oh, George, we couldn't do that. Yeah, we really couldn't.

You don't have to thank me, Dick.

Boy, I can't wait to see where you put it.

Well, think of it this way, honey.

If George were our five -year -old son, we'd think this was pretty good.

Yeah, but he's our 56 -year -old handyman.

And it stinks.

Hi, troops.

Lovely do, Joanna.

Oh, thank you, Michael.

Say, how would you like to fill in as troop leader for Bev's ranger girls

she's out of town? Troop leader?

Yeah, this, uh, wee blow.

I'll have cured you without asking.

Well, that might be fun. And who could turn down a good cause like the ranger

girls? Sure, I'll do it.

Gee, Dick, first you don't know anything about the TV business, and then you

don't know anything about your woman. What gives?

speak to you for a moment?

How could you? I'm sorry, Steph.

What did I do?

You asked Joanna to take over those ranger girls and not me.

But Steph, this involves giving.

I can be giving, especially if there's something to be gotten in return.

See, I give them an hour with me, someone to pattern their life after, and

return I get looked up to and adored and worshipped and maybe some applause.

Gee, Steph, you're another Schweitzer. I know.

Joanna.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to rethin that offer. I had no idea the A -theme

was available.

Stephanie? Don't feel bad, Joanna.

Oh, Michael, I'm sure Joanna understands.

After all, I am much closer to their age.

I think I found a place for George's sculpture.

Those are for the ranger girls.

Honey, it's never too early for those girls to start learning to watch their

weight.

Well?

Stephanie, don't you think you're a little overdressed for a ranger girls

meeting?

Joanna, if you knew so much about this, don't you think you would have been

first choice?

I'm going to go now.

Wait for them to get here and meet me.

Imagine all those little girls' lives peeking at one.

Yeah, after you, all these cookies will be a letdown.

Well, here we are.

Green gal, I'd like you to meet Stephanie Vanderkellen, your incredible,

wonderful, milk -skinned, goddess -like den muffin.

I'm only temporary, so don't get your hopes up.

Michael, you can leave now. You're splitting their focus.

Well, why don't I tell you a little about me, and then we'll open the floor

compliments.

The first thing I want to tell you about myself is...

I hate your uniform.

Tell me who's forcing you to wear them and I'll make them stop.

Nobody's forcing us.

We like our uniform.

Yeah, I like them.

But if you all dress alike, how can you tell whose fathers make the most money?

Who cares?

In every group, there's always a bad egg.

Okay. You can start now with that flood of questions about how to be more like

me.

Miss Sutton was going to talk about survival.

Oh.

Okay.

Let's see.

It's the night of your coming out party.

Everything's perfect.

You're about to make your big entrance when suddenly, without warning, you

a nail.

Sutton was going to talk about outdoor survival.

Ew, boring.

You must be glad you have a substitute.

We wanted to hear about that.

Okay,

okay, okay.

You're lost in the woods.

You have no food, no warm clothing.

It's getting dark.

And you break a nail.

I told you it was boring.

Not when Miss Sutton does it.

Well, she's not here. I am.

We know.

Well, I was sort of saving this for the end.

But how about if we draw?

Now, which pose do you like me in best?

This one.

Miss Sutton didn't interview you for this, did she?

Well, at least the snack looks decent.

I think it's time to call your parents.

Did you put Mount Stratford on display yet?

Sure did, George. It's in here. Wow!

Could you hot and cold me, Dick?

Right under your nose, George.

Right here.

Gee, Dick, it doesn't exactly jump out at you.

Well, you know, when you... You know, when you stand there, but... When, you

know, when you... When you stand here, I mean, you can't miss it.

I'll try to find a better place for it, George.

All five of us would appreciate it.

Morning, Dick.

Has anyone seen my leader of the pack?

Michael, how do you get your tongue to say those things?

So, Steph, how'd it go?

I bet those kids have stiff necks from all that looking up to you.

It went fine, Michael.

Great. Well, if you thought you had fun last night, where do you hear what you

got to do next time?

Sorry, Michael, I'm busy next time.

But, Steph...

The kids.

Cuterama.

If you don't come back, you'll break the prepubescent heart.

How can you turn down all those kids? The adoration, the worship, the... Okay,

okay, okay. Maybe last night wasn't perfect.

In fact, it was a nightmare.

It was an entire room of people almost not liking me.

They just sat there and stared.

Well, there you go. That's a classic symptom of awe.

Michael, I know awe. I live with awe.

Every day, and this wasn't it.

Stephanie. Michael.

I came this close to failure, and I'm not taking that chance again.

Dick, I just saw my lifestyle flash before my eyes.

Do you think you could ask Joanna if she would fill in for Steph?

Michael, does this answer your question?

Since you wanted to guest host those ranger girls so much, it's only fair you

and Steph take turns.

Stephanie doesn't want to do it again, right?

It's purely a coincidence.

Michael, after the way you treated me, I'm not doing you any more favors.

You're absolutely right.

Hit me.

Kick me. Hurt me. I deserve it.

But is it fair that those...

Oh, great, Joanna. You're in for a treat. Those ranger girls are having an

overnighter this Saturday.

That sounds like fun.

Michael, you didn't tell me it was an overnighter.

I was always the head of everyone's slumber parties. They'd have to like me.

Okay, Michael, I'll do it.

Terrific. Let's make plans.

Sorry, Joe.

But if Steph changes her mind, you'll be the first to know.

You're not going to put it there.

I promise, George.

But it ruins the whole inn.

Wow, what a great place for it.

Gee, Dick, thanks.

It makes the whole inn.

Yeah, we were just sort of saying the same thing.

Boy, now I feel really lousy about what I have to say.

What is it?

It's just that I'm so proud of Mount Stratford, I'd like to look at it all

time. Would you mind very much if I kept it in my room? Gee, I don't know,

George.

It's going to be tough getting used to the inn without it. But we'll adjust.

Oh, you two.

Did you think I'd just leave you in the lurch? You didn't make another one. I

tried, Dick, but I couldn't duplicate it.

But I did make you this.

Front lawn.

Here you go, Dick.

Wow.

I never saw them together before.

I hate to ask, but... You guys.

Well,

Dick, here it is. I got all the tight scrubs.

Your half of the bill comes to $22.

Okay, Dick. But when Bev asks if you helped, I'm showing her this.

Well, how do I look?

Steph, you could put Sleeping Beauty to shame.

She's not real.

Well, then, who's that gorgeous actress you're so much prettier than?

Jessica Lange. That's the one. Oh, Michael, you...

Girls have a lot to learn about slumber parties.

What slumber parties?

We're going on a camp out.

Yeah, a camp out.

Whoa, Steph, cross wires.

Who would have thought anyone would have planned to spend an overnighter

outside? We're still going to get to go, aren't we?

Miss Sutton promised us.

Steph, we're talking about a promise to a little child.

And a big boss.

Michael, unless you plan to build a dome over the wilderness.

Please take us.

Sorry, if you were camping anyplace but outdoors... Can't you make her take us?

Haven't you been watching the last five minutes?

This is the worst night of my life.

She said that the last time we were with her.

I've been waiting my whole life for this.

It probably wouldn't have been as much fun as we imagined anyway.

Okay, okay, okay.

You'll do it, Steph?

I have to. I'm outpoutish.

Hey, this is a great spot.

And look.

Star light, star bright.

First star I see tonight.

That's the porch light.

Oh, my God. We forgot the electric blanket.

I'm sorry, Steph. I hooked together every extension cord in the inn and they

still wouldn't reach.

Shouldn't he be leaving?

No. It's no boys allowed.

I think it's like a state law or something.

Wow. These tots know their torts.

Well, I'd better vamoose, or we could be spending our weekends kissing through

wire mesh.

Michael! Good night, Steph.

Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bug... Night, Steph.

Porch light, porch bright. Please bring Michael back tonight.

Stupid, stupid porch light.

never going to stop if you're sarcastic with it.

You've never been outside at night before, have you?

Had to.

I mean, sunroofs count, right?

Come on, let's go sit by the fire.

We made it.

I knew that.

Are you being bad or something?

Leader, I think I should stand.

Okay, but you might get some fire ashes in your hair.

Ew. When was the last time these woods were cleaned?

So, what sort of activities do you usually do on these outings?

It's your job to pick.

I was afraid of that.

Well, since I don't seem to be real good at that, according to you, why don't

you pick the activity?

Wait a minute. Don't jump to conclusions. I'll hold the stick.

perfect as mine, it's easy.

Yours aren't half bad.

My mother says I'm too young to wear makeup.

Your mother's wrong.

all night.

I almost ran off when I saw that fire.

I did it, Michael.

They loved me just like they're supposed to.

Maybe even a little more.

Great. Well, since things are going so swimmingly, I guess you don't need me

crouching out in the bushes all night.

Get real, Michael.

Hey, Joanna, you wouldn't happen to have anything for a hungry hombre, would

you? I have some French toast right here. Oh, yum.

My tongue has goosebumps.

Honey, I sort of wanted the... Sorry, Michael.

I didn't know the A -team was hungry.