Original subtitles

Honey, can I see a blast from the past?

Candlelit Perfect.

Oh, Dick, I haven't seen this in 15 years.

No, I just wrote it.

This is the blast from the past.

Written by Dwight Schmidlap. Oh.

I don't get it, Dick.

Oh, that was the pen name Dick used when he was writing his first book.

So that's your first book.

Oh.

No, no, I just wrote this.

See, George, 15 years ago, when Dick was still working at the ad agency, he used

to put Dwight Schmidlapp on his manuscript so no one would know he was

on the side.

So it took you 15 years to write that?

No, I just wrote this, George.

Look, see, I put Dwight Schmidlapp on it because I thought Barney, my publisher,

would get a kick out of seeing the name again.

Oh.

I hope he gets the kick out of it. I did, Dick.

Oh, my.

Isn't this a beautiful place?

Thank you. We're very proud of you. What are your rates?

A room for three is $50 a night. Really? Does that include the reduced rates for

children? That's only for kids under five.

Brian, tell these nice people how old you're going to be next month.

Five.

Maybe little Brian would like to tell us what year he was born.

About five years ago.

On the button.

Preschool's really paying off.

Well, with the toddler rate, that would be $45.

And don't you knock off a few bucks for repeat customers?

We've never seen you before. Yeah, but we're coming back next year.

Forty -five dollars.

We'll take it.

George, could you help with the bag?

Sure.

Oh, uh, is it customary to tip the help of this country in?

Yes, it is. No, no, no, no. Get away from those.

Good morning, honey.

They rejected my book.

Barney Halpin would never do that. Barney never saw it.

Somebody didn't recognize the name Schmidlapp and gave it to some kid

editor still in diapers who mistook it for Doody.

Good work for a beginner.

Shows some promise that someday might just publish something. That's very

encouraging, Dick.

George, I'm a professional writer. I've been publishing books for 15 years.

Whoa. Then he really lays into you, doesn't he?

Ooh, Dick, reject it. That's so awful. Did I get any mail?

Dick, why don't you just put your real name on the manuscript, send it to

Barney, and he'll publish it. No, no, this is the last in a long series of

-ups. The company has gotten too big. Remember last year when they stopped

sending me my royalty checks because they said their records indicated that I

was dead?

Well, they did send a beautiful wreath.

Yeah, in loving memory of Dink Loudon.

This is the last straw.

What are you going to do?

Me? Nothing. But Dwight Smidlap is going to publish his book with another firm.

Maybe Barney will wake up.

Come on, Dwight, I'll teach you the tricks of the writing game.

Thanks, Mr. Love. Thanks.

Mail call for Dwight Schmidlove.

Yo. Look at this.

Three responses from publishers.

Oh, fantastic.

And the answer is... We're buying your book.

We're buying...

What does it not say in this letter?

They rejected it?

Honey, don't worry. There's always one or two publishers out there.

Don't know what they're doing.

And there's the other one.

Dick, forget those.

Listen to this.

Dear Mr. Schmidlap, we at Royce Books admire your writing.

We would be honored to place your book on our list of published works.

Finally, a company with taste.

Please remit $2 ,000 and be the first one on your block to have your name

on an actual published book.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Hi, all. What's up? Trub's in paradise?

Dick had a book rejected.

What was it, Dick? Three or four times.

spectacles, folks. This isn't addressed to Dick. It's addressed to this poor

schlub, Schmidlaff.

Must be a real goon to have a how -to book rejected.

Schmidlaff is my pen name.

Really?

How'd you go about choosing that name?

It's too late to get out of this, isn't it, Dick?

Dick, just submit the book with your own name and it'll sell immediately.

Is this true, Dick? Of course it is.

You have achieved something most Americans only dream of.

What, massive rejection?

No, you have arrived.

You can put your name on any piece of crud, and it'll sell.

You don't have to strive for quality anymore.

I envy you, compadre. You can coast.

I'm not coasting. This book is as good as anything I've ever written. There's

writing in here I would stack up against Hemingway or Proust.

Well, you know, maybe not this sentence.

Actually, Proust might have me on the whole paragraph.

How could I let this get by?

Nick, you've been in here three hours. Honey, honey, watch out. You're stepping

on chapter five.

Actually, go ahead.

Honey, what are you doing?

I found a couple weak spots in the book.

A couple?

Yeah, the first half.

And the second half.

Use high -grade paneling only.

Only.

Use high -grade... Use only

high -grade paneling.

God, there's no way to say this.

Dick, you're not taking those rejections seriously.

Honey, Michael was right. I've been coasting on my name for God knows how

I mean, four respected professionals look at my work without knowing it's

and they all come to the same unbiased opinion.

Duck swamp water.

Now, come on, Dick. Only one of them actually used those words.

Don't you understand, honey? I'm a writer. That's all I've ever wanted to

take words and string them like pearls into a giant

necklace of communication.

God, I stink at this.

Kicks off the 14th. That's a one -in -a -million shot.

Tell that to the eight ball.

You win.

Again.

Looks like I owe you another drink.

Don't feel too bad. You only made one mistake.

You played me.

Hey.

A woman.

How'd you find me?

You were feeling down in the dumps, so I checked all the dumps.

You're a looker, huh?

Figured you'd belong to Schmidlap.

Schmidlap? Joanna, give me a break.

In the publishing world, Schmidlap is dog meat.

Here, I'm king of all I survey.

Is this what you've been doing the last four days? Shooting pool?

There's a lot more to do than that. I've been, uh...

Hoisting a few.

Eating pickled eggs.

Swapping stories.

So this must be Rosalita, huh?

See?

Rosalita, I'd like you to meet my pal, Mr. Snake and Wild Mel.

Here you go, Dwight.

Your usual.

Why can't I use this?

What's with that limeade anyway?

My doctor said give up that quarter tequila every day or kiss your liver

goodbye. Maybe I'll try one of them limeades.

Dick, I've read your book again. It's wonderful.

It's your shot, Dwight. Excuse me, I gotta fill some pockets.

Oh, a behind -the -back shot.

He knows a hundred ways to humiliate us.

A hundred and one.

Where did you learn to play pool like that?

Barcelona.

And you taught me.

We have to talk.

Not now, Rosalita.

Dick, talk to me or I tell Nick and Wild Mel that you are the author of Making

Money Raising Bunny.

Dwight's letting you use his cue.

Dick, what would it take to convince you that you haven't lost your talent?

For a panel at Perfect to sell without the name Dick Loudon?

And win the Pulitzer Prize?

And be made into a movie starring Meryl Streep?

Let's face it, honey. Dwight's been rejected by everybody in the business.

Not everybody. Four junior editors. And who says they know... what they're

talking about.

Didn't the critics say Oklahoma would only run a week?

Didn't a movie talent scout say about Fred Astaire, bald, can't act, can dance

little?

Well, yeah.

And didn't a young writer named Loudon get rejected by 14 publishers before he

finally broke in?

Yeah, but I was different then. I was young.

I was more ambitious.

I was named Dick.

And Dick wanted to write more than anything else in his life.

And he wasn't a quitter.

But maybe Dwight Schmidlap is made of different stuff.

Maybe he isn't the man Dick Loudon is.

You're going too far now.

Dwight may be a lot of things, but he's not a quitter.

Fellas, I'm gathering moss.

It's time to roll.

Nice meeting you. But, Dwight, I thought we were all going to Latin America to

be mercenaries.

I'll be with you in spirit.

It's not going to stop a lot of bullets.

Hi. How'd it go in New York?

Pretty good. I found some new restaurants and finally got to see cats.

Dick, what about the book?

You know, it's interesting how publishing houses react to persistence.

the... The phrase I heard most often was, security is on its way.

Oh, Dick, nobody bought it?

Don't count Dwight out yet.

Did any mail come for him while I was away? There is something from

and Sons. Oh, terrific.

I knew that gambit would pay off.

I thought I'd close it up for their cleaning lady.

She promised she'd get my manuscript to the head man.

Dear Mr. Midlap, sorry I no give book.

To Mr. Stockbridge.

I read and me no like.

Thank you. Everything was perfect.

Goodbye.

I hope you realize I did my best to make your stay as pleasant as possible. And

I just want to know that you appreciate all I've done.

You were fine.

Surely you can express that another way.

You were great.

Am I getting a tip or what?

Oh.

Well, uh... Let's see.

Two weeks.

Three people.

What the heck?

Mr. Van Cleve.

Do you want me to keep this whole dollar for myself?

Or distribute it among all the help?

No, no, that's for everyone.

Wow.

This is more than I deserve.

I'll go outside and see if you have air in your tires.

Stephanie!

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll get your bill.

Oh, don't bother. I've taken the liberty of adding up the figures myself.

$98 for 14 days?

It should be over 600.

True, but we were actually in the room only a few hours a day.

I mean, what are you doing?

Well, as long as I'm quitting writing, I took some measurements in there, and

there's plenty of room for a jute box, a pool table, and some lowlifes.

Dick, you can't quit writing. Oh, are you a writer?

Not really. You can't be a writer if you can't get published.

We know a publisher.

You do?

Yeah, he's my brother -in -law Jake's best friend.

Here's where he works.

Just be sure to tell him Jake sent you.

Good old Jake.

Don't kid yourself.

He's a tightwad.

Now, if we can just settle this bill.

What's the problem?

The Van Cleves don't want to pay for the time they weren't in the room.

We figured we owe you $98.

You got it.

What? Oh, wait a minute, honey. I don't think that's right.

You know, little Brian only ate half his breakfast this morning.

You know, they have a point of, let's see, $98 minus

half a bowl of oatmeal, $23 .50.

I'll bet you didn't use all your towels.

Have a seat, Mr.

Schmidland. You know, this is supposed to be my golf day, but since you're a

friend of Jake's...

Cigar? No, no, no thanks.

You sure? They're Cuban.

A courier of ours sneaks them in from Europe every other week.

Customs never checks them.

Gee, that's lucky.

I once brought fruit in from Canada.

Boy, did I catch hell.

Anyway, the reason I came... Well, tell me, how is Jake?

Jake, well... You know...

You know Jake.

Is he back in the country?

Yes.

Fantastic. Let's call him.

Oh, you mean this country? Yeah.

No, no, he's still over there.

How's little Mark?

She'll talk your ear off if you let her, you know.

That's interesting.

Molly's his dog.

Talk, Mark. You know, we all come from the same guy upstairs.

All right, all right. Who are you?

Look, I'm going to be completely honest with you. I'm Dwight Smidlap.

Jake's brother -in -law gave me your name. I have this manuscript.

Oh, no.

No, no. You don't lie your way in. here and expect to get any attention from me.

Just submit that through channels.

But I've been through channels.

I mean, I've been rejected by junior editors because they never heard of me.

I've even been rejected by a cleaning lady because she read, but she no like.

Look, I really want to get to my golf game.

How does a kid get a break in this business?

Kid?

thinks he's a writer.

But I am. See what I mean?

No, I really am a writer. Read this.

You'd be hard put to tell any difference between this and, say, the work of Dick

Loudon. Dick Loudon?

Not exactly shooting for the moon, are you?

What's wrong with Dick Loudon? Oh, nothing. I guess he's one of the best

writers around. I just don't happen to care for those cutesy -poo jokes he

throws in.

You know, your fantasy bathroom doesn't have to be a pipe dream.

Sorry, kid. Good luck with that manuscript.

Someplace else.

Can I use your phone?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yes, could I speak to your Cuban cigar guy, please?

Yeah, yeah, I'll hold.

You wouldn't. All I want you to do is read it. Well, I won't. You say you

smuggle two cases of these a month, right?

Okay, okay, okay, I'll read it.

Oh, Cuban cigar guy.

Yeah, I just called to say that...

You're doing a great job. I haven't seen a Cuban cigar in years.

Okay, Steph.

The Van Cleves were here 14 days.

They should have tipped you $2 a day.

They left you $1, out of which you had to give 50 cents to George.

Yes, Michael.

So, if I want to wipe that pout off your face, that means... I owe you $27 .50.

If you want.

I just heard Dick's car.

Boy, I sure hope he found a publisher.

I'm almost afraid to ask. How did it go?

Well, it, uh...

Let me put it this way, Joanna.

Me sell book.

Meow.