Original subtitles

Honey?

What do you think of this?

Honey, just a second. I'm right in the middle of deciding what my next book

be. Oh, well, what are the choices?

Well, it's either you and your automotive fluids or grouting without

Well, I can't stand the thought of all those unhappy grouters, so... What can I

do for you?

First, do you like the trip?

Yeah.

Second, when I wear this dress on our anniversary next week, where will you be

taking me?

Dinner or in a movie?

Dick, that doesn't sound very romantic.

Oh.

How about dinner or in a movie?

Honey, you know I like our anniversaries to be special.

After the unromantic wedding we had.

What was wrong with our wedding? It was short, it was cheap, and it was legal.

Dick, we got married with two other couples.

Well, you said you wanted a big wedding.

Honey, we couldn't wait for a private ceremony.

We had a plane to catch, or otherwise we would have missed out on the super

-savory discount.

Hey, that's what we should do on our anniversary.

Take a cheap flight somewhere?

No, get married.

Honey, we are married.

No, I mean we could restate our vows.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

Well, that's foolish.

Foolish? Well, not foolish, more like silly.

Yes, I guess it is silly.

I got cheated out of a real wedding the first time. I wanted to do it right for

once in my life. I guess to some people that's silly.

Well, to hell with those people.

If that's what you want to do on your anniversary, then that's what we're

to do. Oh, Dick, you're wonderful.

I'm going to break out that bottle of champagne so we can toast our new

engagement. Well, that's a good idea because I've been saving that.

For a silly occasion.

Honey, is that... Is that your foot?

How's my fiancé this morning?

For one thing, he'd like his socks pulled back up.

to sugar cutums?

I think that's you, Dick.

Hi,

Stephanie. Honey, should we tell them the big news?

I don't care.

We're getting married again.

Gee,

Dick, I'm not sure, but I think that's bigamy.

You know, honey, George may have something.

George, we're just restating our vows.

It's like a public affirmation of our love. When's the big event?

Next Saturday on our anniversary.

Joanna, you're not giving your maid of honor very much notice.

How did you know I wanted you to be my maid of honor?

I'm always maid of honor.

Well, not always. Sometimes the bride is afraid the groom will change his mind

and propose to me.

I know I probably don't deserve it, and it's a lot to ask, and you probably have

other people in mind, but could I be your best man?

What the heck?

Honey,

honey, wait a second. Let me get this down, otherwise I'll forget it. If water

continues to leak,

you have not grouted properly.

wedding invitations at Peterson's Drugs and Stuff, so I'll need a list of who

you want to invite.

Uh, George.

That's all?

And you're inviting Stephanie.

We can't have a wedding with only two guests.

Honey, I was hoping to keep this thing small.

This thing?

Yeah, I say this thing. You say this public affirmation of our love.

Potato, potato.

I really want to share this occasion with our friends.

Well, honey, let's try to keep it to our close, intimate friends.

Well, so far, it's just George, Stephanie, and the Petersons.

The Petersons?

Of Peterson's drugs and stuff?

Well, Dick, I kind of had to ask, and they saw me buying the invitation.

Did anyone else see you?

No. And you weren't followed?

We also have to talk about where to have the ceremony.

I've always pictured my wedding in a beautiful chapel.

I've always pictured mine in the lobby of an inn.

Dick, come on. I want to do this right.

And I would love it if we wrote our own vows.

Honey, I'm writing a book.

I mean, I don't think I can write vows with my head full of grout.

How many times am I going to get married?

At this rate?

Hi, bride. Hi, groom.

Michael, how did you know? You were topic uno at Peterson's Drugs and Stuff.

Congrats. Thanks, Michael.

Nice catch there, Dick.

And, by the way, great news. I'm available to be your best hombre.

Michael, the position of best hombre is acupado.

George is going to be my best man.

Oh, how exciting.

But naturally, you're invited as one of the select few guests.

Great. Like the Petersons.

People who sell you dental floss.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

We was over at Peterson's Drugs and stuff looking for a birthday gift for

Candace Bergen when we heard about your impending nuptials.

So, here we are.

Which one of us is going to be your best man?

I'm sorry, guys.

George is going to be my best man.

Well...

This is a knee in our collective groin.

But we won't hurt your feelings by not coming to the wedding.

Well, gee, I don't know, guys. After what I've done to you, it'd serve me

if you didn't come.

No, we'll be there.

If you invited the Petersons, you must be having trouble finding takers.

Hi, Chester. Hi, Jim. We just wanted to congratulate you on your upcoming

wedding. And make sure we're invited.

Listen, guys... Of course we're invited. They invited the Petersons, didn't

they? That's true, and they hardly know the Petersons.

I guess we are invited.

Good. Then it's set.

Do me a favor. Don't spread this around. I don't want any more people at the

wedding than... than we already have.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Hi, Dick.

I hear you're planning to tie the knot.

Harley, I have to draw the line somewhere.

You can come to the wedding.

Oh.

Oh, no problem.

When I hear those wedding bells toll, I'll just throw a handful of rice into

empty space.

Listen, far be it from me to play on your guilt, but maybe there's a wedding

-related job I can do?

You need a bouncer?

I don't think so. I'll be packing heat.

Can I park cars?

All right, you can park cars.

Great. It'll cost you a little more than a bouncer, but it's your funeral.

Dick, a couple of people are here from your TV station. Apparently they heard

about the wedding from the Petersons.

Can I invite them?

Oh, what the heck?

A couple more people won't matter.

Oh, honey, you look... You look beautiful.

Yeah. Even more beautiful than that girl the Beavers hired to jump out of the...

You look real beautiful.

Thank you, George.

You look nice, too, Stephanie.

I hate this stupid, stupid dress.

What's the matter with the dress? You look lovely.

Obviously.

But you never told me I have to wear the same outfit as a bunch of yucky

bridesmaids. Stephanie, that's how it's done. Please, just try to live with

this, okay?

Well,

Stephanie and I should be getting to the chapel.

Are you ready?

I guess so.

So, 15 -year show?

Yeah.

No, what I mean is, you know, they look great on you.

Thanks.

And thanks for marrying me.

Both times.

Honey, you know, these things don't come easy to me, but... Ditto.

Oh, Dick.

I'll get it.

Stratford Yen?

Oh, hi.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, thanks for calling.

Bye.

That was the Petersons. They can't make it to the wedding.

They changed their minds. It turns out they hate crowds.

You mean they're weaseling out?

Well, Dick, what do you care? It's not like they're friends.

Well, of course they're not friends. The most intimate thing they ever said to

me is, you want a bag for that.

But you went and invited them, and that's the reason the whole town is

this stupid thing.

Stupid thing?

All right, stupid public affirmation of our love. Stupid potato.

Stupid patata.

And now the people responsible are the only ones who are smart enough not to

show up.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you're looking at another smarty.

You are the most unromantic man I've ever met.

And I wouldn't marry you a second time if you were the last unromantic man on

earth.

Wait a minute.

Cutums?

Joanna?

Joannick, come on, let's go get married.

Give me one good reason why we should.

How about $2 ,000 that we might as well throw in the blender?

Wrong reason, Dick.

How about a room full of gifts we're going to have to return?

How about the whole town is waiting to see us get married?

How about those Celtics?

What?

I was just checking to see if you were still there.

Don't you understand?

I wanted this day to be special.

You're just not romantic enough, that's all.

Maybe I wasn't enthusiastic about restating our vows. But hey, this

guy is romantic.

You never even proposed to me.

It might have something to do with the fact that we're already married.

See?

Honey, will you marry me?

No.

Will you marry me?

Why?

Well, for... For one thing, all my socks are in there.

Dick?

Honey, this is the God's honest truth.

I love you so much, it hurts.

Your timing is perfect on this.

I think I know where I can find them all in one place.

Welcome to the wedding. I hope you don't mind that Dick's picked me to be his

best man.

It's okay, George.

I decided I didn't want the job when I found out one of the best man's duties

to kiss the minister after the ceremony.

Nice, Dad.

Nice dress.

Do you like it?

It's just a little something I bought from the bride at the wedding before

talking to me.

This must be where the best man rejects a parkin' it.

Miss Stephanie, may I say you look lovely in that gown, even though it

a former occupant.

Thank you, Larry.

Oh, hi, boss.

You want me to park your car?

Uh, no, leave it by the door with the motor running.

Hi, Dick.

I'd like to thank you all for coming, but the wedding is off.

It is?

How come?

It's Joanna. She wanted everything to be perfect, and then wouldn't you know

it, the last minute she spilt mouthwash on her wedding gown.

Never knew mouthwash to stain, Dick.

And grape juice.

A little cold water and a few drops of glycerin. And ink and epoxy resin.

You can all appreciate how there's no point in having a wedding without a

She's here!

Honey,

what are you doing here?

I didn't want to embarrass you. I know how bad you are at making up excuses.

Show us how little you know about me.

Truth looks fine, Dick. I thought you said it was a mess.

Yeah, how'd you get rid of those epoxy resins?

What? Will you play the damn music?

Does this mean you're not upset at me anymore?

Last words you'll ever hear of.

Daphne, what are you doing in a bridal gown?

I could ask you the same thing.

Friends, we are gathered here because Dick and Joanna Loudon would like to

renew the wedding vows.

to each other 15 years ago today.

This is a joyous occasion for them and for those of us who were invited

to share in this celebration of their love.

And they're making my job easy today because they've prepared their own

vows. Reverend, I think maybe we'd better use yours.

Oh, well, gee, um...

Joanna, I'd kind of like to read what I have here.

I wrote this 15 years ago for our first wedding, but due

to the circumstances of the ceremony, I never got a chance to read it. But I

think the sentiments expressed here are just as appropriate today as they were

in 1971.

Dearest Joanna, I promise to make every day of our life together a love -in.

To never give off bad vibes no matter

what bag you're in.

Never to lay head trips on you.

Actually, this isn't as timeless as I remember.

Maybe I'll skip this section on Cambodia.

Finally, Joanne, I promise if my love for you ever changes that...

It will only mean it's... It's grown stronger, and that's... That's still

today.

Oh.

Dick. Excuse me, but the kiss comes later.

Want to bet?

Meow.