Original subtitles

Honey, what are you doing up?

I just came down to get a magazine.

I could have brought it to you. Honey, you're sick. Go back up to bed.

I'm not sick. I keep telling you. I feel great.

Yeah,

and you'll sound great, too, once you finish coughing up Linda Blair.

Honey, come on. Doc Wiley is examining the guest. He'll get to you in a couple

minutes. He's only going to confirm what I've been telling you all along.

I'm fine.

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Vanderkellen.

Is Stephanie busy?

You're in luck.

Stephanie, is your mother?

Here. I was doing the mantle.

Mommy.

Oh, I'm terrible.

Well, I'm surrounded by sick people here.

And, you know, I don't even like being on the same planet with mucus.

Spend the weekend with you.

Oh, that sounds nice.

And under the disgusting circumstances, I'm sure Dick would...

Not let me go.

Oh, don't say that about him, Mommy.

Well, I'm not saying it's not true. I'm saying it's not nice.

Maybe we should talk later.

Hola, host. And cup, dear. My cup!

How's your day? Better now.

Natch.

Great news. This Sunday, your guest on Vermont Today is none other than the

the only, live and in person.

Michael, who is it?

The president of the University of Vermont.

You're kidding.

I wanted him on the show since we started, but you kept refusing to book

Well, Dick, the timing wasn't right. But this week, the whistling chipmunks fell

through.

And the rumba king had a groin pull.

And the next name on my list was the prez.

Oh, and I brought you the brain's bio.

Oh, it's not here. Must be in the Turbo Z. I'll be back in a flash.

Miss me?

Uh -huh. Same here.

Well, I examined your sick guests and your wife, and they're fine.

Really? Yep.

Apart from having the measles.

Measles? Then they aren't really fine, are they?

In this day and age, you don't have cause to be afraid of the measles.

Yikes!

Michael!

Where are you going?

Steph, I can't stay. It's germorama in there.

But you forgot your briefcase. Keep it. It's probably crawling with measles just

waiting to jump on my face.

Michael!

What about the bio for the show?

The important thing here is keep him in bed and keep the fevers down.

I don't want to risk any complications.

It's all here in these instructions on patient care.

Well, I'll stop by tomorrow for a spot check.

Dick, here's some instructions on patient care.

Oh, no.

It's enough I have to scrub toilets. Please don't make me stoop to taking

of the sick.

says there's nothing he can do.

Whoa. A lot can happen while you rotate your tires.

That's just Stephanie's way of saying there are five people with the measles.

That's the way I took it, Dick.

What else could she have meant?

But don't worry. You can count on my help through the whole crisis.

I've never been sick a day in my life.

Well, you must have come from healthy parents.

No, Dick. They're dead.

I guess we better cancel all the reservations and close down the inn. If

divide up the labor, I see no reason why three healthy people can't handle this.

I can't believe I have a child's disease.

Rats.

Rats.

More rats.

Do you have to get in such a terrible mood when you're sick?

No. Now shut up.

Damn. I had this pillow just right. Now it's too hot.

Here, Dick, take mine.

Joanna, I swear, if you offer me one more sacrifice, I am going to kill you.

Will you at least stop eating your heart out over that bio?

I can't. I mean, it's not fair. I don't even get to interview the president of

the University of Vermont.

Summa cum laude, Fulbright scholar.

Every moment of his life, action packed.

everybody's medicine.

Stephanie, are you still rearranging those postcards?

You've been doing that since yesterday afternoon.

Yeah, and I'm almost finished.

Wait a minute. It seems to me you could have finished that by this morning.

Maybe even late yesterday.

I've been doing all this work around here and you've been doing nothing.

Why don't you take these pills upstairs?

Oh, All right, George.

You caught me.

I haven't been doing my share of the work.

And I'm going to make it up to you, starting with not taking that tray.

Huh?

George, after what I've done, why should I get to go upstairs and bask in the

gratitude of the temporarily disfigured?

Visiting, socializing, yes, even laughing.

You're stuck down here manning the phone, alone, unappreciated, forgotten.

I hadn't thought of that.

Maybe I'll just take these pills upstairs myself.

Oh, no.

Starting already.

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Oh, hi, Michael.

You can't believe how hard I'm working.

Aren't you going to say poor Steph?

Thank you.

What?

Yeah, it's still here.

Michael, you don't have to tell me it's in the side compartment. If it's a

checkbook, I can find it.

All right, your balance is... $39 .20.

Michael,

what have you been doing with your money?

Want to talk to Dick?

But I'd have to go upstairs to tell him.

Okay, I'll do it. For $39 .20.

Say, Joanna, isn't that soap opera you like on now?

Yes, George.

But some selfishness seems to be interfering with the signal.

That's too bad.

I hear they're going to reveal Cynthia's true identity today.

As long as you're here, would you clear away the lunch dishes? No, no, Dick.

That's my job.

Stephanie's not going to make a fool out of me again.

Michael?

You have some good news. What is it?

Replacing me was easier than you ever dreamed.

What did you get?

Your... You're going after Arnold Schwarzenegger.

What the hell has he got to talk to a university president about?

Nothing, but you can promote it as the Terminator and the Educator.

Michael, Schwarzenegger will never do the show.

Yes, he could pass up a title like that.

Goodbye, Michael.

What happened to the Celtics?

For two years now, I've been masquerading as your loving step -aunt,

But it's all been a sham.

In reality, I am... Cornbread Maxwell!

And there's the buzzer. In all my years of broadcasting, that is the most

incredible shot I've ever witnessed.

What? What shot?

I would like to show briefly, but we're out of time.

Join us again Thursday when that cell... Then you forgive me.

you've told me your true identity, to me you will always be Cynthia.

And we shall never speak of that again.

I hope your spots get bigger and your face

explodes.

Tough break, Stephanie.

But Doc Wiley asked me... to change the sheets on all the sick room beds.

Okay, George, but now you owe me.

When did we get all these steps?

George, you're not sick, too.

I don't know.

Does being sick mean your head's hot, your throat's sore, and your legs feel

like ginger ale?

Yes.

Gee, I... I haven't felt that well since Thursday.

George, you owe me, remember?

Don't be sick.

Well, I'm through.

Maybe not.

Say, uh... Huh?

That's close enough.

Now this will be all right.

You go lie down in an upstairs room where this little lady can look after

Boy, are you lucky. I only had five people to take care of.

Uh,

Doc Wiley? Yeah?

I'm sick, too.

You look perfect to me.

Well, of course.

But I just know I'm getting measles.

I've gotten everything else I've ever wanted.

I'm sorry. There's nothing medically wrong with you.

I suppose you could use a nurse.

Great! Where can I get one? You can't.

Ain't you heard?

There's a measles epidemic.

Looks to me like you're on your own.

Stephanie, I asked for aspirin, not Flintstone vitamins.

Listen, Steph, I need something for my briefcase. Could you check my week at a

glance and see what time my meeting is on Tuesday?

Michael, you care more about that stupid, stupid briefcase than me.

Untrue, Steph.

That's Tuesday, the 25th.

Me. Glow dryer, breath spray,

Spanish English dictionary.

Here's your week at a glance.

Tuesday, the 25th.

Your meeting's at 10 .15.

And you're planning to say, good morning, corporate caballeros.

Great, thanks. Bye, Stan.

You want it, don't you? You need it. I do.

Hi, Dick. Joanna.

Just bringing you a little snack.

Snack? It looks like there's enough there for three days.

You think so?

of measles is overrating people's clothes.

Is there a banana in there?

There's one left.

Give it to Joanna.

I don't want it. Sure, you say that now, but if I eat it, you'll start making

noises like a monkey.

Well, if there's anything else you want, you better tell me now because... Well,

just because.

Oh, Stephanie, you've done so much. I just wish I could help you.

It isn't easy taking care of us and George and the guests all by yourself,

we really appreciate it. Right, Dick? Yeah, right.

I'm still waiting for my aspirin.

And I'll just leave this here.

It'll keep for days.

But once again, we realize the sacrifices you've been making, and I

you to know how much we really appreciate it. Stop it!

Is everything okay?

Well... Honey, it's time for Vermont Today. I want to see who Michael got to

host. Oh, yeah, me too.

Well... Take care of yourselves.

And now, Vermont Today starring Dick Loudon. Sitting in for Dick this

is guest host Binky the Clown.

What? Now, honey, don't get upset. Maybe it won't be so bad.

First thing you do when you meet a scholar is beep his nose.

Oh, no. I have to fix the drain.

George, why aren't you in bed?

Bed? No.

I have a lot to do.

Besides, you said you'd teach me to use...

I'd better hurry, or I'll be late for the pep rally.

Are you coming, Dad?

Oh, my God, you're burning up.

You'd better lie down.

Dad, are you mad because I varnished the cat?

Of course I'm not mad.

Then how come I'm grounded?

Your limo's here. Are these your bags?

Who is it, Dad?

Is that my date?

Gee,

that music's pretty.

Oh, Pish.

I'm not going.

Leave the bags.

But, Miss... Tell my parents I'm not coming.

Thank you for making such a long drive. And, by the way, you've been exposed to

measles.

Mom.

Salami lost its flavor on the bedpost overnight.

We're feeling a little better. We thought we'd fix our own breakfast.

Well, just because you're feeling better doesn't mean you've recovered. Now get

back to bed and I'll be up in a few minutes with a nice hot breakfast for

everybody.

Dick, we're hallucinating.

I hope to God that explains Binky the Clown.

What am I doing down here?

Stephanie.

How are you feeling?

Oh, fine.

I had the strangest dream.

My mother was there.

My father was there.

And I went to a pep rally.

And there was this beautiful angel.

Oh, George.

That was me.

for his cap carrying luggage.

Go back to sleep, George. You're still delirious.