All language subtitles for Newhart s04e12 Look Ma, No Talent

Hi, Dick. Can you, uh, steal a minute
before the show?

I'd like you to meet my mamacita, my
madonna, my mater, Madroni.

Michael, please, I don't have my English
gibberish dictionary.

My mother's out there. I don't see her
very often. She's usually flitting the

globe with Paolo.

Paolo? Paolo.

Cassiano. The cellist? Her fourth
husband.

He's in Boston to play Brahms or
somebody.

So she's just run up here to see me
produce my brains out.

And I've told her you're the element
that really makes my show work.

Your show.

Vermont Today starring Dick Loudon.

Give me a break, Dick. When your
mother's here, we'll say it's your show.

Oh, by the by, Dick, I found some people
who want to purchase commercial time on

Vermont Today, and they want you to be
their spokesperson.

Michael, I really don't see myself
hawking products.

Dick, Dick, dismount from that high
horse.

Houseman and Olivier have done
commercials, and they had reputations to

Read the script. The Queen of England
would be honored to appear in this.

Yeah, she and I are always up for the
same parts.

So I finally told the stewardess, my
dear, we bought this cello a ticket. If

there are too many passengers, perhaps
you can slide them under the seats.

Well, you know how Paolo hates scenes.

Speaking of scenes, Mom, this is my
Vermont Today set.

Michael, you designed this?

Well, I didn't actually hold the pencil.

Oh.

But I worked closely with a man who did.
He was wondering how people would enter

and exit. I said, how about a door?

Voila.

Very resourceful.

Ernie, move this plant. It violates the
aesthetic balance of the set.

Okay, Mr. Harris, but it's covering that
burn in the rug from the time that fire

eater belched.

Oh, yes, well, better leave it where it
is. And tell the others. Anybody who

touches that plant answers to me.

All right, Mr. Harris.

Well, if nothing else, you do seem to
have the respect of your men.

Michael, you conniving weasel. I read
the commercial.

Oh, hi. Hi there.

Dick Loudon, Mrs. Lily Cassiano.

The weasel's mother.

Uh, listen, I, you know, I didn't
mean... Oh, no, no, no, no, no need to

explain, Mr. Loudon.

When creative people show fire, I know
it was ignited by a divine spark.

Yeah.

That's, that's the way it, you know, it
fell in here.

Phone call from Mrs. Cassiano?

Oh, it must be Paolo. Excuse me.

Michael, I'm sorry, but you forgot to
mention that the commercial is for Swiss

-style dog food.

Oh, didn't I? It's a taco product. It's
shaped like little chocolate bars.

Pooch thinks he's getting a forbidden
treat.

The script calls for me to wear those
leather shorts.

Dick the Grandfather in Heidi wore them,
and he's one of the most beloved

characters. Michael, I'm not... I'm not
doing the commercial. Try to get that

through your thick... handsome face.

Michael, dear, I have to go. Go? But,
Mom, you just got here. Well, it's

He's gotten himself in a mood. And if I
don't go comfort him, he won't be able

to play a note.

Brahms needs me.

But, Mom, you can't just go. You haven't
met Stephanie.

You haven't seen my show. I wanted to
show you everything I've done with this

place. I think you'd be pretty
impressed.

Michael, dear, Matisse is impressive.

Mozart is impressive.

This is all very well, but you're 28
years old, and what are you?

Perhaps I can stop by later in the week.
I'll give your love to Paolo. Ciao.

Great to see you.

Hi, Michael. Stephanie's getting
dressed. Yeah, fine. Dick.

Joanna, you're a tasteful sort of guy
and gal.

I want you to listen to something and
tell me what you think.

Michael, you might consider, you know,
taking lessons.

Oh, I've had hundreds of lessons.

When I was a kid, I studied violin day
and night until my teacher begged me to

stop.

Michael, why do you suddenly want to be
a violinist?

Oh, look at me, Joanna. I'm 28 years
old, and what am I? Well, that's silly.

You're a very talented producer, right,
Dick?

Honey, he doesn't need to hear it from
both of us.

Thanks, you two, for the attempted
coddle.

But I'm here to talk turkey.

What's the verdict?

Michael, you know, it's too soon to tell
after only hundreds of lessons.

Dick, did I just hear a cat screaming?
It sounded

like somebody was trying to pick it up
with pliers.

played the violin?

Well,

I think all the reviews are in.

Michael, what about your date with
Stephanie?

Michael, is this dress dazzling or just
arresting?

Where did Michael go?

Certainly not to the Grammy Awards.

You never come to production meetings.
Well, I'm coming today.

Michael has mentioned a thing about this
week's show.

Where is he?

Half an hour late. Third time this week.

Hey, Dick, you want to be in the pool
betting on when Michael gets fired?

Yeah, Bev's really had it with him.

I've got five dollars on noon tomorrow.

What looks good to you, Dick?

No one's getting fired.

Let's start the meeting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's love got to do,
got to do with it? Pardon?

All right, who's this week's guest?

We can start a pool on that.

Are you saying that Michael never
mentioned who the guest is going to be?

don't think Michael's here, Dick.

Hi, guys.

I hear Michael's AWOL, again.

Uh, he isn't AWOL exactly. He's just...
God knows where.

But we don't really need them for this
meeting. As a matter of fact, we started

without them. Good. I'll sit in.

What?

I'm sitting in. I'm the station manager.
I can do that.

Hey.

Great.

So, who's the guest this week?

Bev, we usually open these meetings with
a...

A little prayer.

Hi, all. Sorry I'm late. My ballet class
ran over.

Dick, taking an interest in production,
are we?

Bev, great pearl.

Oh, what about this week's guest?

Yeah, what about him? Norton Firth?

The pie -eating champion?

He's going for the world's record for
gooseberry.

Here's some background on him.

Always like pies?

Well, that's our show. Looks like a
winner. And good job, everybody.

Michael? Not now, Dick. I've got to get
in some work on my epic poem.

The Iliad 2.

The day after.

Bye, all.

Michael!

Now, that's... That's what I call a good
producer. Not... Not a second wasted.

He is the good producer.

But if he screws up one more time, he's
fired.

Have you...

Given any thought as to what time you
might need it?

I don't understand. How are you going to
interview a guy while he's stuffing

pies down his throat?

It shouldn't be so hard. I've already
laid out a few questions.

Would you like a napkin?

Hi, all. Oh, hi, Michael. Stephanie,
Michael's here.

Michael, I think I should warn you. Bev
is this close to firing you. Oh, not

now, Dick. I think I finally found my
creative medium.

Conceptual art.

I'm showing it to Mom tomorrow, but I've
arranged for a sneak preview. It's out

on the lawn.

Bad news, Dick.

Somebody just dumped garbage on the
lawn.

What?

So, what do you think?

Michael, you have an hour to clean up
your medium.

I'm trying to make a statement, Dick.
This expresses my despair over the

of nuclear devastation. It's ugly.

Michael, are you okay?

You don't seem to be able to concentrate
on anything.

Oh, stop worrying. I'm fine.

Two, three, four.

Okay, Michael, take one look and
commence Wolf Whistle.

He's not here again?

Well, if it'll make you feel any better.

Yo, what a babe!

Mr. Loudon, I'm Winston Bedell.

We're all very excited.

I'm... I'm excited for you.

What is it that's got us all abuzz?

Swiss -style dog food. And having you as
its spokesman.

I... Didn't Michael Harris call you? Not
since he told us you were gaga to do

the commercial.

Aha.

Well, it's a good thing you dropped by.
This way you won't spend a lot of money

for sets, studio rental, that kind of
thing.

Ready for you, Dick.

What?

There must be a misunderstanding. I told
Mr.

Harris that I wasn't going to do the
commercial.

He should have explained that to me.

Without you, there's no commercial.

Well, I guess the thing to do is take
this up with his boss.

Doggone.

Yeah, I guess if I don't do it, you're
just going to go with the Queen of

England.

This is what you're going to be wearing.

No, no, I'm not.

Well, if you insist.

But we're not all as excited as we used
to be.

Okay, here's a rundown, Dick.

You read the cards, pat the bench, the
dog jumps up, licks your face, we're out

of here.

Brian, let's get it over with. Hi, I'm
Dick Loudon, and this is a bowl of

Bedell's Swiss -style dog food.

Looks like chocolate, nourishes like
nobody's business.

Make your pet as grateful as this little
fella... Hold it!

Why, what's the matter? You're supposed
to pat the bench.

The dog jumps up next to you and licks
your face?

The dog knew it.

He was just waiting for his cue.

Take it back to it looks like chocolate.

Looks like chocolate nourishes like
nobody's business.

Make your dog as grateful as this little
fella here. Cut! He didn't lick.

Now, was that his fault or was I
supposed to pull his tongue out for him?

How do you make the dog lick?

I don't know.

Want him to roll over and play dead?

Great, bud.

That'll sell a lot of dog food.

Hey, look.

What's in that sandwich?

Liverwurst.

He likes it, doesn't he?

I've got it.

We take some of the liverwurst, we rub
it all over Dick's face. No!

Fine.

Nice, supportive, creative environment
you're building here.

Dick.

Mr. Loudon has a point. Maybe we should
call this off. I'll just go talk to the

station. Oh, okay.

Rub me with liverwurst.

All right.

The station's buying me another
sandwich.

Okay. Let's take it from it looks like
chocolate.

Roll take.

Looks like chocolate.

Nourishes like nobody's business.

Make your dog as grateful...

Is this little fella here?

Oh, come on. I don't believe this.

Hey, you know what my dog likes?

Ice cream. No good. Ice cream would show
up on Dick's face.

Not if you put it in his ear.

You're a genius.

Go to the machine.

Wait, wait a minute.

What's your favorite flavor, Dick? To
listen to?

Look, this is where I draw the line. No
ice cream in my ears.

Hey, how's the commercial going?

Just great.

Well, don't let me hold you up. I'll
just stand over here and watch.

Strawberry, Ernie.

Steph.

Michael, you've walked out on me twice.

I think you owe me an apology and a
precious dome.

Steph, can we talk while I paint? Mom
just called. She's back in town, and I

only have a few more minutes to achieve
something of lasting importance.

Children with big ears?

Well, the ones with big eyes got a lot
of attention.

Michael, those kids were cute.

These kids need plastic surgery.

Well, maybe I can finish the first
chapter of my novel.

He gave her a laconic smile.

Don't give me that laconic smile, she
snapped.

Thus continued Harriet and Morty's
laconic relationship.

Tonic was my word for the day.

Michael.

Come and sit down.

The violin?

Why are you ignoring me and doing all
these really unimportant things?

Steph, I'm trying to find my talent.

Talent? What do you want that for?

That's the only thing my mother
respects.

I've been trying to come up with one as
long as I can remember.

One time in school, I made this clay
squirrel with a bushy tail and a little

in its paws.

I was so proud.

And I brought it home to show Mom.

And she liked it? She called it
derivative and threw it in the trash.

Didn't your mother know anything about
raising a child?

Every time I made anything in school, my
parents would buy it.

In the third grade, I took in $20 ,000
just making tracings of my hands.

I wish I'd had your parents, Steph.

Well, after the...

Squirrel incident.

I made up my mind to abandon all hope of
creativity and become a producer.

But you love being a producer.

That's not important. Like being an
artist.

It's better.

Producers have big houses and cars.

You almost never hear the word starving
in front of producers.

True.

Artists are poor, have nervous
breakdowns, and amputate portions of

Now, which one sounds good to you?

Well, I'd be a fool to be anything but a
producer if you put it that way.

Oh, my God, she's here. And nothing's
finished.

Steph, stall her. I've only got four
chapters to go.

You are not letting that woman push you
around anymore.

And that's an order.

Hello, Michael.

Carissimo. Hi.

Well, this is...

Certainly a long overdue meeting.

Mamacita.

Cupcake.

Oh, my. Is this Stephanie?

You're even lovelier than I imagined.

Thank you.

Michael, carve her up.

Mom, I've got something... I've got
something important to say.

I've never wanted to be an artist, and I
like what I'm doing right now.

Well, I'm sure it's very pleasant, but
you're 28 years old, and what are you?

Well, I do have a novel in the works.

Michael, how can you let her say that?

But, Steph, she's right. I'm 28 years
old, and what am I? You're 27.

I'm 27?

I'm 27.

I'm 27.

You were wrong, Mom.

All right.

You're 27, and what are you?

Not so fast.

That's kind of a glaring error, isn't
it? A mother's supposed to know how old

her child is.

Mine does.

She's just not allowed to say.

Very well, I was mistaken about your
age.

Well, maybe that's not the only thing
you were wrong about, Mom.

That's the point.

Why am I learning words for you?

Why am I writing novels?

am I painting kids who look like Dumbo?

Why should I listen to anything from
anyone who's so self -involved? She

even know how old I am.

Are you through?

No.

I've just begun.

I'm 27 years old. I'm a producer, and
I'm good at it. I like it. That's what I

am. If you can accept that, terrific.

If you can't,

You can leave now, and I don't think we
should see each other.

Well, my plane isn't for a couple of
hours, and... You did promise me dinner.

A smashing dinner.

I'll ride it off to the station.

Producers can do that, you know.

Michael, I've never seen you so focused,
so passionate.

If only you could channel that into art.

Mom.