Original subtitles

Dick, New England Life is looking for submissions for their most memorable

character column, and I've decided I want to write one.

Oh, that's great, George. Who are you going to write about? Do the initials D

.L. tell you anything?

Well, I'm either flattered or surprised that you know Dorothy L 'Amour.

No, no, it's you, Dick.

You unforgettable lug.

George, I'm not... I'm not sure I'm...

I'm not sure I'm colorful enough to qualify as a most memorable

character.

Dick, what is this?

Oh, they have a new donut shop in town, and I got one of each kind. It's a kind

of research.

And you say you're not colorful.

Makes a pig of himself and calls it research.

Hi, honey.

Stephanie and I are going to do our aerobics. Want to join us?

Damn.

I've got my leotards and woolite.

Okay, let's start.

One and two and make it...

Two. Three. Excuse me. Is this an aerobic class?

Well, I wouldn't call it a class, exactly.

I'd be willing to pay.

Then it's a class.

Stephanie, we charge $6 a session.

There's no charge. You're welcome to join us. Wonderful. I'll go change. I'll

right back.

Don't you see that our well -formed derrieres are sitting on a goldmine

What are you talking about? Opening an aerobics studio.

We'll rent a little store in town.

And then we'll franchise.

We'll make exercise records, books, tapes.

And eventually we'll buy out Jane Fonda and force her back into the movies where

she belongs.

But Stephanie, starting a business takes money. We can get money. I'll borrow

some from Daddy. And if you could come up with five...

dollars we'd be in business.

Well, that doesn't sound like too much.

But I'd have to discuss it with Dick. He'd discuss it with me.

Poor Joanna.

This marriage sounds almost 50 -50.

We're thinking of seeking help.

Dick, could I ask you something?

Well, no, forget it.

I'm sorry, you're right.

Stupid idea.

Honey, I got to call him like I see him.

What's that?

The double -darling 5 ,000. Isn't she a beauty?

What does she do?

Speed dials up to 180 phone numbers. Like that.

Dick, how much did this cost? It's also great in times of emergency, honey. I've

already programmed the phone numbers for the fire department, the police

department, the doctor, the animal shelter.

But, you know, when you're adopting a pet.

Seconds count.

How much was it? It's also a speakerphone. Now, normally, this kind

technology... Dick.

$260.

Oh.

That's fine.

It is? Yes.

You're entitled to your toys now and then, and I'm entitled to my

How much?

$500. For what?

To open an aerobics studio with Stephanie.

Ah.

Honey, I don't think Vermont is ready for aerobics, and I don't think

is ready for anything.

I think I've demonstrated that if anybody can get Stephanie to put her

the grindstone, I can.

Must be grindstone dust.

Are you saying you don't think I could succeed at this?

Honey, I'm saying you could probably succeed at any worthwhile enterprise.

just that... That aerobics isn't a worthwhile enterprise?

I'm sure it's a worthwhile enterprise to people who are fond of that kind of

thing. Then you're saying it's worthwhile and I could succeed at it?

Well, it sure sounds like I am.

Honey, thank you.

I'm really going to make this work.

And to think when you came in here, you thought it was a stupid idea.

Dick, do you think you could give me a hand with my most memorable character

article?

I guess so, George. What kind of hand do you need?

Would you write it?

George, you know I can't do that.

Give me something, Dick. You're the most memorable character I've ever met, but

for the life of me, I can't remember why.

So, tell me, in your own words, just what makes you think you're so doggone

special?

Well, um...

I'm not saying this is the best example by any means, but right off the top,

my publisher says that my manuscripts have fewer typos

than he has ever seen.

You can use that.

Fewest typos he's ever seen. Boy, this is... great stuff, Dick.

You understand, uh, if I start to run long, I may not be able to use

Hi.

I'm Larry, and this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Hi, Phyllis.

What can we do for you?

Well, Daryl here has become a porker.

The problem seems to be too many between -meal critters.

I was wondering if he could take up a space or two in your class.

Sure. We're just about to start. Why don't you and Daryl join us, too?

You could change right in there.

Okay.

Oh, by the way, we prefer not to do any pelvic tilts.

You'll have to move. Apparently part of you is still in the picture.

Stephanie, you mean you don't want me in the... Can you chat later, Joanna? I've

got to get this camera back to the news team. That warehouse fire isn't going to

burn forever.

Best of all, you'll be seeing me.

And one, and two, and six this time.

And cut.

That was perfect, Steph.

I laughed. I cried. You put me through all the changes.

Well, that's a wrap.

Between this and that warehouse fire, this camera's going to see a lot of heat

today.

it on a t -shirt.

How come you shot a commercial without me?

Later, Joanna. I have a class to teach.

I thought I was supposed to take this one.

Well, that's sweet, but look at that window. Filp, filp, filp.

I'd prefer you did that.

Boy, is it a relief to have some help for a change.

Stephanie, I think I'm entitled to some say around here. I put up $500.

Well, I put up $2 ,000.

You did? Yes.

And that makes this place more mine than yours.

This isn't the end, Joanna.

Here, you work for me.

I work for you? Well, not at the moment. You're just standing there.

Look, I thought we were going to be equal partners.

Gee, Joanna, why would you think that?

After all, this whole thing was my idea. I put up four times the money. I bought

the merchandise.

And the fitness program is called Stephicide.

Deficit. Of course I did. This whole thing was my idea. I put up four times

much. Stephanie!

If this is your place, then I really don't think that I want to be... Honey!

You made it to the grand opening.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

And, uh, besides, the donut shop is right next door.

Opening day and you're still open.

I'm impressed.

We happen to be getting our fair share of customers.

attracted the trendsetters.

Daryl, if you eat them donuts, Daryl and me will have to walk ahead of you

grazing door jams.

Any problem keeping Stephanie's nose to the grindstone?

For your information, she's been no problem whatsoever, and I couldn't be

happier. Oh.

No need for me to wish you a nice day.

with my most memorable character piece are over. I read a bunch of the other

articles and I think I know what they're looking for.

So, Dick, have you ever safely landed a jumbo jet after the

pilot and co -pilot are overcome by food poisoning?

Not a jumbo jet, no.

Did you ever...

Underdeveloped Latin American village into the 20th century?

George. No.

George, we've had some pretty good times. If you have to write this

not use those?

Oh, okay.

Weren't you even once the only witness unafraid to come forward and topple a

corrupt... George, no, never. I wouldn't.

Boy, if it weren't for the donut thing, I'd have zilch.

a look at a phone bill since you got the new devil dialer?

Yeah, honey, I was going to mention that to you. You made 12 calls to India?

That was sort of an accident.

But I got through like that.

Good night, Joanna.

Tiffany, where are you going?

Oh, they're going to pick the homecoming king and queen over at the college, so

we're going to watch and feel superior.

Trust us, Joanna, one look at those Ivy League bow -wows.

No. I mean, Stephanie still has work to do here.

The oven needs cleaning.

I'll do it later.

Now, that's an order.

Well, if I have to work late, I guess you'll have to open the studio in the

morning and teach the first three classes.

I can't. I have to buy supplies for the inn tomorrow morning.

I'm sorry, Joanna.

I'm afraid that's an order.

Let me...

Gals, gals, gals. I'm choking on fur here.

Michael, we're not arguing.

We're just handing out assignments.

If I have to teach those classes, I guess you'll have to buy the supplies.

Well, since I had to spend the entire morning getting supplies for the inn, I

guess you'll have to spend the rest of the day getting supplies for the studio.

Okay, but unfortunately, it looks like another late night for the maid.

Assuming you get home before the maid's in bed.

How's Daryl coming along?

Frankly, Miss Stephanie, we're discouraged to bits.

If this thing had a bell on top, he'd have blown it off.

Well, it takes time. You just have to stick with it.

No, we're going back to the more traditional method of weight loss.

What's that?

Putting meat in his pants and trotting past a bear cave.

to be a team stretch class.

So, find a partner who's approximately as bad as you are.

Hi, honey.

What are you doing here?

I came by to see you.

Well, it looks like you're doing steady business here. You keep this up, we may

actually get our investment back.

I'm not afraid to eat crow. You and Stephanie make a terrific team.

Joanna, what...

Could you flirt on your own time?

I'll be there when I'm good and ready.

We fool around like this all the time.

Now, I and my assistant will demonstrate team stretching.

This is for the inner thigh.

Okay.

First, you pull your partner forward.

Making sure not to go too far.

And your partner pulls you forward, again, making sure not to go too far.

Like this.

Okay,

begin.

We go my way first.

My way. My way. It's my place. I want to go my way. You're the boss.

I, uh... I may not be an expert, but, uh... It didn't look like that

did the inner thighs, uh...

hell of a lot of good.

Excuse me, class. I think it's time I had a talk with my partner.

Good, because I want to have a talk with my assistant.

You can't desert your class. It's bad for business and we're so excited about

getting our investment back.

Fine. Everybody, my husband, Dick, will be taking over the class.

What?

Begin.

Begin what?

Stephanie, I'm sick and tired of your bossing me around.

Well, you should have thought of that before you came to work for me.

I wasn't coming to work for you. I thought we were going to be partners.

you had something different in mind, then I had a right to be told.

Well, I hardly think it's necessary to discuss every little detail with my

employees.

Okay, that's enough of the bending.

Sideways type.

Well, I guess next we should do some more bending sideways

types.

And begin.

One and two.

Stephanie, it's obvious that I can't work for you.

Joanna, most of the people in the United States work for Van Der Kellen.

No, you don't hear them complaining.

I can't. help it if bossing is in my blood?

Well, I hate to interfere with destiny, but can't we just be equal partners?

You mean I'd have to do some light mopping?

But I have to do that every day at the end.

Well, wait. Maybe you could take over half of that.

And two, and stop.

Okay, anybody want to do that one again? No.

Go on to something else.

Okay,

go on to something else. What will it be?

Oh, I know.

This one is especially good for the body.

And here's how it goes.

You put your right foot in.

You put your right foot out.

Put your right foot in again.

And you shake it all about.

You do the whole thing.

And you turn yourself around.

And that's what it's all about.

person to run this place.

And besides, I can't go back to just cleaning toilets.

I want to step aside, not sanitize.

Well, Stephanie, if we can't run this place together and we can't run it

You put your left hand in. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand in.

And you shake it off.

Yes.

Yes. What on earth?

And hope.

Thanks, but I'd like to turn you back to your real teachers, the gals who

turned fabulous forms into a real moneymaker, Joanna and Stephanie.

We have decided to go out of business. What?

We thank you for your patronage and we hope that you'll continue to do the

pokey. Wait,

wait.

I have a great one where you pretend to be a teapot.

Dad.

Let me see if I can track what happened here.

Against my advice, you went into business with Stephanie. We invested

after being open only two days... Dick, here's the deal.

If you finish that sentence, you die.

But if you never say another word about this, I will buy you so many donuts that

when I hug you, you'll ooze jelly.

I'll go take a number and you close up.