All language subtitles for Newhart s04e03 Summa Cum Larry

This is my brother, Daryl. And this is
my other brother, Daryl.

Hi, guys. What's up?

We're returning your chainsaw.

Oh, thanks.

Where is it?

Oh, dear. We must have left it at the
cafe.

Daryl?

And don't be playing. Let's see if it'll
cut this on the way back.

I got a confession to make.

I just wanted to get rid of Daryl so we
could be alone.

Why? I'm going back to school.

Oh. I'm probably not as educated as you
think I am.

Truth is, I quit high school
prematurely.

Before I ever got in.

I was afraid I wasn't high school
material.

What changed your mind?

Earl.

Who's Earl?

A contestant on Jeopardy.

He lost big. He changed my life.

How? Well, I would have creamed him by
three points.

That inspired me to sign up for this
high school equivalency refresher

The test is in two weeks.

Well, mind is a terrible thing to waste.

What do you want me to do?

Cover for me with my brothers. I don't
want them to know I'm in school.

I think they'd be proud of you.

You'd be wrong.

They kind of frown on higher education.

Like when I drew Tippy the Turtle to try
to get in that Cinderway Art School.

They called me uppity.

You've never been on the business end of
their biting sarcasm.

Well, maybe a couple of times.

Well, if the Daryls come around, I'll
tell them you're working on a project

me. Ooh, you're slick.

Now, watch out.

Daryl can pry the truth out of a stone.

Did you get the chainsaw?

Did you look everywhere?

Well, we're in tarnation.

Well, I'll be.

I had it here all along.

What'd they tell you? Already the
zingers are flying.

the new Vermont tour guide.

They took away one of our maple leaves.

No kidding.

Last year, we were a three -maple leaf
inn. This year, we've only got two. It's

not fair.

We've been defoliated.

We can't take this line down.

We can go all over the country breaking
into people's homes and drawing maple

leaves in their books.

I'm trying to say is there's not much we
can do about it.

Fine, dear.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
to our two -maple -leaf kitchen and whip

up a crock of swill.

Hi.

Hi, guys.

You're, uh, you're probably, probably
looking for Larry.

As he may have mentioned to you, he's
working on a project for me.

Well, he is.

It's for a book.

As you know, I'm a writer.

Well, I am.

I'm doing a book on...

UFOs in New England, and I hired Larry
to photograph the

UFOs.

They come out at night.

Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Between 8 and 10.

You're probably wondering why I didn't
ask you two to help out.

That's because UFOs are terrified

of trios.

about the way the Vermont tour guide
robbed us of a maple leaf and I've

a letter.

Dear sirs, with all respect, we believe
your review of our inn is unfair.

Next time you hire a critic, check first
to see if he's brain dead.

What do you think?

You haven't mailed us yet, have you? No.

Good, because I have a few notes.

I dictated it over the phone as a
mailgram.

Then I wouldn't change a word.

Is that a chip in that cup?

Yeah. What do you mean, yeah?

We can't have a dining room full of
damaged crockery.

Is that a crock? No, no.

It's fine.

Miss, this cantaloupe isn't ripe.

I'm a waitress, not a bartender. Don't
tell me your problem.

treated that guest?

Well, it didn't come as a complete
surprise.

Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but only
two positions of our three -way light

bulb are working.

light bulb in room seven, re -tack the
carpeting on the stairs, and flush out

all the radiators so they don't knock.

Boy, the day can sure turn on you fast.

And, Stephanie, after breakfast, I'll
have a list of chores for you, followed

a discussion of your being rude to the
guests.

He started it!

I'm going to give this whole inn the
once -over.

Over and over.

What's up?

UFOs and you.

What about it?

UFOs have been spotted by as few as one
and as many as 10 ,000 persons.

Ah, and I said they were afraid of
trios.

Well, they are. It's only that magic
number three that spooks them.

This family of three was taken for a

ride on a UFO.

But you can't count the baby. It has to
be three adults.

Three angry steel workers.

Well, not steel workers.

Okay, he's going to night school.

determine my nocturnal whereabouts?

Yeah. Well, I really want to thank you
more than ever for keeping my secret.

Because if they knew what happened last
night, they'd be on me like drool on a

baby.

What happened last night?

I quit school.

Those are afraid of trios?

Is that the best you could come up with?

Yeah.

Well, don't feel too bad.

Those two could get Rambo to babble.

Larry, what happened last night? Why'd
you quit school?

Well, it started off good enough.

I was surprised and delighted to find a
piece of complimentary gum under my

seat.

Next thing I know, everybody's laughing
at me.

So I hightailed it.

I can get that kind of treatment from
Daryl.

But that's no reason to quit.

On top of that, I didn't understand the
lesson.

It's clear to me my brain don't take up
the full space my head has a lot of.

Larry, suppose I tutor you.

No way, not if that means what I think
it does.

It means I'll help you study and get
that high school diploma.

Oh, okay.

The Earth is made up of seven
continents.

Europe, Antarctica, Asia, Africa,
Australia, North America, and South

How am I going to cram all this into one
temporal lobe?

That's why you're lucky I'm here. When I
was a kid, I came up with a little

trick.

Eat an aspirin after a nighttime snack.

I can explain.

Is this a good time to sand, stain,
varnish, and wax the floor?

No, George. Well, I guess I'll go
wallpaper the bathroom, then.

Stupid, stupid maple leaf.

Larry, it's the initials.

Each letter stands for a continent.

Europe.

Antarctica.

Asia.

Africa.

Australia, North America, South America.

Do you suppose Miss Joanna would be free
to tutor me?

Larry, give it a chance.

Darryl, what are you doing here?

My lunch.

Thanks.

Mmm, smells... All right, get out. You
had your fun.

What is it? Turtle soup.

An obvious reference to the Tippy
incident.

Oh, Tim, could you help me look at the
fabric swatches for the James Madison

room? I can't wait. Larry's at school
taking his test, and I feel like an

expectant father.

I just hope he doesn't come back with a
bouncing baby F.

to worry about.

Larry, how'd you do?

Well, the teacher did say he's grading
on the curve, but since I answered zero

out of a hundred, I expect to wind up
close to the bottom.

Dang. At least on Jeopardy, I would have
come home with some lovely parting

gifts.

You failed, but...

But you knew the material when we talked
it through.

Yeah, doing it that way seemed to come
as natural as stuff between your toes.

But when I tried to write, none of that
knowledge made it to my pencil.

Come on, I want to talk to your teacher.

All right.

Where are you?

You, wait, wait here.

Hi, I'm Dick Love.

Oh, stupid.

I'd like to talk to you about Larry's
tests. I'm his tutor.

Oh, really?

Oh, you did a good job.

I wonder if you'd consider giving him
another chance.

He knows the material. We went over it
rather conversationally, and that comes

as natural to him as stuff between
your...

It comes real natural.

I'm sorry, I can't test him twice. We
have rules.

Well, sometimes you have to bend the
rules for special students.

Take Einstein.

Just a moment. Are you comparing Larry
with Einstein?

Well, I wouldn't want Larry working with
subatomic particles.

I mean, Einstein didn't fit into the
educational system, and neither does

You claim he knows the material?

Hey, I'm his tutor.

All right, I'll retest him.

Orally?

All right, orally.

One more thing.

Could you make it sound like Jeopardy?

Jeopardy, the game show. That's where
they give you the answer and then you

to give them the question.

Oh, what the heck. It'll be a great
story for the teacher's lounge.

Larry, come on down.

Okay, Larry, I'm going to retest you
orally. I'll give you the answer. Oh,

Jeopardy. I'll take four scritches for a
hundred.

This is my classroom. I'll pick the
categories.

American history, geography,
mathematics, science, and literature.

I'll take American history for 200,
Paul.

This is really nice of you.

All right, American history for 200.

Event commemorated every December 7th.
What is...

18 shopping days until Christmas.

No, no, I was talking about the attack
on Pearl Harbor.

He was sort of right. Sort of right
doesn't win on Jeopardy, Mr. Loudon.

the cotton gin?

Correct for 500.

All right, let's recap.

So far, Larry, you have a borderline D
average.

You get the next one right, you'll have
a C minus. But if you miss...

we're going to have to send you home
empty -handed.

Are you ready, Larry?

Ready, Paul.

The category is science for 500.

Here is your answer.

Three things that plants and animals can
do that non -living things cannot.

What is going from here to there?
Movement, that's correct.

What is chowing down?

Nourish themselves, correct. One more,
Larry.

What is partying?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

The correct question is, what is
reproduction?

I said partying.

One man's partying is another man's
reproduction.

I'm sorry, Larry, but your final grade
is an F. But we thank you for coming.

You've been a good sport.

Goodbye and good luck.

Wait, wait.

What about Final Jeopardy?

Final Jeopardy?

Yeah. That's where I can turn an if into
a diploma by betting the whole ball of

wax on one question.

You can?

Look, we didn't make up these rules.

Okay.

Okay. The category is geography.

All right, Larry. For a D and a high
school equivalency diploma, your answer

is...

of the seven continents of the world.

Oh, wait, I know this one. Uh, take an
aspirin, chew a pill.

It ain't coming.

Well, this ain't like final...

This has to stop soon. I never wore out
a hammer before.

My only pleasure is imagining that every
stroke of the rag is putting another

line on Joanna's face.

Actually, that's how I wore out the
hammer.

Yeah, can I help you?

Yeah, well, I'm Alan Woodall, the
reviewer for the Vermont Tour Guide.

I believe you know me as Brain Dead.

Well, Mr.

Woodall, you did take away one of our
maple leaves.

I did?

Here, see for yourself.

Two maple leaves.

Yeah, that's two maple leaves, all
right. But that's not your end.

That's the park and snooze.

Huh? Yeah, you see? You were reading the
wrong column. Here, look, look.

The Park and Snooze, two maple leaves.

The Stratford, three maple leaves.

Oh, my goodness.

Who's got dead brains now?

Oh, Mr. Woodall.

I'm so embarrassed. Please, stay here
tonight.

Our treat, free.

No, thank you. There's a four maple leaf
inn down the road.

and it's your way, I can only seem to
learn them in descending order of gross

national product.

Daryl, I won't keep you two hanging on
me hooks.

I passed.

I've got good news, too. It turns out
I've been reading the Vermont tour guide

all wrong. We've had three maple leaves
all along.

Well, thank goodness you didn't get all
worked up over it.

You better tell George and Stephanie. At
least they won't have to do any more

work.

It's nice to know you fellows have so
much confidence in me. But what if I'd

failed?

Well, I told them. I must say they both
took it better than I expected.