All language subtitles for Newhart s03e22 What Makes Dick Run

Wow, sounds like you've had some
incredible experiences walking from

California. How long did it take you?

A year and a half.

I could have done it in three months,
but I lost time in the Appalachians.

Difficult climb?

Got married.

Well, we've run out of time.

Thank you, Mara Stribling, naturalist,
cross -country hiker, newlywed.

Join us next week for another edition of
Vermont Today.

Well, 3 ,000 miles, you're a real
inspiration.

Thank you.

Well, I thought it went pretty well.
Now, Dick, when you booked this walker,

figured it was going to be Snore City.

But I found myself, well, half
listening.

Michael, it was an intelligent,
informative show.

But nevertheless interesting.

Speaking of good TV, I have great news
for you regarding the Vermont Industry

Television Awards.

I've been nominated for a vita?

No.

But you could be. There's one more week
to qualify.

You do a dynamic, emotion -grabbing show
next Sunday, and that best host

nomination is yours.

I thought I was a pretty good host just
now. Hey, I loved you.

But that darn nominating committee seems
to feed on energy and charisma.

Well, they're just going to have to base
their decision on the way I am.

Good luck, Dick.

You know the kind of people this award
goes to? Walt Bledsoe has won this award

three times in the last five years.

Walt Bledsoe, that jerk?

He yells at his guests and throws chairs
into the audience.

It's called personality, Dick.

Look, I'm not in this for the shallow
gratification of an award.

Well, what about those of us who are?

Dick, all I'm asking is that you show a
little spark. How can I get best

producer if I can't ride on the
coattails of a best host?

Michael, I'm not going to change the
show. I think it's pretty darn

the way it is.

Man, was that a good show.

See, Michael, our director liked it. Oh,
not your show.

I caught the last six minutes of Walt
Bledsoe. He held this councilman's head

underwater until the guy agreed with
him.

He's really bucking for that writer.

J .J., you're my director. Shouldn't you
be watching the show you're directing?

Dick, with your show, I can practically
lock the cameras into place.

Not like you're going to move.

Gesture. Anyway,

Walt held this guy's head. Look, I don't
want to hear any more about Walt, and I

don't want you watching other shows
while I'm on the air.

Anything you say, Dick.

Careful, Dick. I know it's hard for you
to understand, but other people do have

feelings.

have a cold.

I'm going to need nine days off.

Nine days?

Four days for the cold to run its course
and three days for my nose to stop

looking like a strawberry.

Two days for being a brave little
soldier.

Stephanie, you just sneezed once.

Why don't we wait for a few more
symptoms before we lock into this nine

thing? Okay, but I'd hate to have to add
extra days for needless suffering.

Oh, morning, honey.

Honey, do you think I'm unemotional and
cold?

What do you mean?

You think I'm without emotion and
unwarm.

Tick, I love you just the way you are.

Which is what?

Well, you're a little reserved.

Ah, that's English for colorless, right?

Honey. It's not like I don't have
feelings like everyone else. I do.

There's all...

Kinds of stuff going on in here.

Morning, everyone.

Morning, George.

George, do you think I'm unemotional and
cold?

Yes, Dick.

You do?

Gee, I thought it would be all right to
tell you. I mean, you never get upset

about anything. You are upset, aren't
you? So hard to tell.

Michael has this idea I could get a
nomination for the Vermont Industry TV

Awards if I were more dynamic and
electric on next week's show. You mean

Walt Bledsoe?

No, not like Walt Bledsoe.

Guy's a jerk.

I know what you mean.

Did you see that show where he had this
Quaker guy and a half Nelson?

Took him forever to pin the guy.

What a jerk.

Well, if that's the way you have to act
to get a vital award, this guy doesn't

want one.

Honey, you have to admit it would be an
honor.

And I'm sure you could win one without
roughing up a Quaker.

Can't a person just enjoy their work?

Look at George. I mean, he doesn't have
to enter a handyman competition to be

fulfilled. There's a contest for best
handyman?

No, George.

Dang.

Dick, why are you so set against this?

Honey, I hated the whole idea of
competition ever since Camp Cowapoka.

But my favorite sport was diving.

I was like a knife in the air.

I was having the best summer of my life
until golden tomahawk days.

There were events in all sports. The
winners got this tomahawk with a

gold handle and a...

beautiful rubber blade.

I wanted one like I never wanted any
other tomahawk in my life.

But I wanted it too much.

By the day of the contest, I was so
nervous I was no longer a knife. I was

like a spatula.

In one dive, I lost the competition, the
tomahawk, and...

And my swimming trunks.

Well, there was another sneeze in the
kitchen.

Is that enough for you, or do you want
to wait for the coroner's report?

Hi, Dick. We were wondering if you'd
like to discuss this week's show.

We? Come on in, guys.

Hail, hail.

The gang's all here.

is the gang all here.

We want to do some spitballing about
this Sunday show.

I've come up with some great ideas for
guests.

We've already booked Elsa Carruthers, a
librarian who found the alternative to

the Dewey Decimal System.

Okay. Can I be the one to blow the dust
off her?

Dick, what we need is a guest who has
some oomph, some wattage.

Somebody with a little whack -a -da
-whack -a -da -bing -a -da -bong -a -da

-boom!

I've found a woman who claims to have
six different and distinct

I think she's legit, Dick. And she's
willing to come out in a bikini.

Michael. Three of her personalities
think scanty clothing is sexist. The

three seem to get off on it.

I can shoot the bajangles out of you.

We open with this nutcase on a
psychiatrist's couch rising out of the

I got a better idea.

Suppose I built a psychiatrist's couch
and had it rise out of the stage.

Speaking of echoes, I could create some
atmosphere with echo effect.

How about a fog machine? It would
represent her clouded perception of

That's a hot look.

No fog.

Sorry. Did you contribute something?

Yes, I contributed a note.

Fine.

Have it your way.

Dick.

Look, it's obvious what's happening
here. You're all trying to use Sunday's

to win yourself a Vita nomination.

Well, forget it. We're going to do our
regular show.

Our guest is a librarian with one
personality.

No fog, no rising furniture, and no
wackity -wackity -bingity -bombity -boom

of meeting.

I'll get busy building that rising
couch.

Yeah. He even gestured.

Dick, you do realize you just trod on
the hopes of some pretty fair excuses

human beings.

I don't want to compete for some stupid
award.

Don't want to, or... Not chicken.

Whoa, better put a band -aid on that
exposed nerve.

There are no exposed nerves or chickens
in this office, all right? Dick, if you

say so.

The subject's closed.

What are you doing?

I'm just brushing up on the Dewey
Decimal System for my show this

How's Stephanie feeling?

Well, she's right on schedule.

She's on the last day of Strawberry
Nose.

Hi, all.

Hi, Michael.

I'm here regarding that little beauty
any sane man would want to possess.

Stephanie's upstairs.

Not that little beauty.

This one.

The Vita.

The Vermont television industry symbol
of excellence.

Michael, where'd you get this? Our
station manager lent me hers when she

looking.

It's beautiful, isn't it, Dick?

It's, uh, it's okay.

Could be bigger.

I guess that's the difference between
us, Dick. You look at this and see

I see something I'd give a limb for, and
I'm not to admit it.

Michael, would you and this leave
together?

Dick, I can't leave without visiting my
under -the -weather blonde.

Steph?

Hi, Michael.

Well, cupcake.

Thank you.

That's it?

Of course, Steffi and I made a pact
never to see each other in times of

doldrums, or skin eruptions.

Well, gotta scoot.

Uh, Michael, you forgot the visor. See
you in the studio.

Gee, Dick, that's nice.

Is that the award you could win if you
showed more personality?

Yeah. You look good holding that, honey.
Look, I don't want this award. I'm not

interested in it.

I couldn't care less about it.

Okay.

I'm going to make some soup for
Stephanie. You want some, George? Sure.

How about you, Dick?

It's chicken. I am not.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Daryl. And this is
my other brother, Daryl.

I know.

We heard Miss Stephanie's white
corpuscles were battling for the

her lovely innards.

That's the scuttlebutt.

So we're here to cheer her up.

Hey, ain't that one of those Vita
Awards?

Yes, yes it is. You didn't get that for
your show.

What a surprise.

Let me pinch myself for a moment.

A little piece of this belongs to a lot
of people.

I'd like to thank my Vermont Today crew,
those wackity, wackity guys.

I'd like to thank my wife, Joanna,
without whom I'd only be a talented...

Bachelor.

And to the other nominees, I'd just like
to say, you're all winners.

Except you, Walt Bledsoe.

You're a jerk.

Wow.

Handyman of the year.

I'd just like to thank... Bless you,
Miss Stephanie.

A lady just sneezed.

That's okay.

Miss Stephanie, we'd rather slow dance
with a cranky grizzly than see you laid

up like this.

That's why we're going to do for you
what our daddy done for us when we was

feeling poorly.

A puppet show.

Is there any other way to cheer up a
sick room?

Hi.

I thought I'd stop in to see if you
needed anything.

Brought to you or taken away?

Not now, Dick. They're about to do a
puppet show.

Ah.

Once upon a time in the kingdom of ants,
there was a beautiful princess who had

a cold.

Toot!

Nearby lived a fine young ant who loved
the princess.

And the princess, if truth be told, had
eyes for him.

About 12 of them.

But her father, the king, said, Hold on.
You can't marry my daughter until you

rid the kingdom of this big eyesore of a
rubber tree.

At first, the aunt was afraid to even
try.

For he knew he did not have a spine like
the higher vertebrates.

But the princess was such a looker that
he decided to give it a shake anyway.

Hit it, Daryl.

Just what makes that little old ant
think he'll move that rubber tree plant?

Anyone knows an ant can move a rubber
tree plant. But he's

got high hopes. He's got high hopes.

He's got...

Sky, I hope so anytime you're getting
low. Instead of letting go, just

remember that ant.

Oops, there goes another rubber tree.
Oops, there goes another rubber

tree. Oops, there goes another rubber
tree plant.

I want it.

I want that Vita.

Where did Dick go? The show's about to
start.

And now, Vermont Today, starring Dick
Loudon, with today's guest, librarian

Carruthers.

Boy, have we got a show for you today.

Well, let's jump right into it.

Tell us, Elsa, when did you first
discover the Dewey Decimal System sucks

I was filing a book, an ophthalmology,
into the 600 section when suddenly it

hit me.

There has got to be a better way.

And that's when I developed my
cataloging system.

So far, though, I've met with nothing
but resistance.

Damn it!

I mean, isn't that always the way? Well,
why do all our true pioneers get the

shaft?

Actually, all I've gotten are a few
polite rejections. Well, I don't care.

kind of thing burns my tail.

What's with Dick?

Either a chemical imbalance or he's
going for that nomination.

Either way, it's an improvement.

It's ironic that librarians of all
people can't see the handwriting on the

And

they

say librarians are prim and stodgy?

Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen,
this is a funny.

Wow.

And the nominees are?

Okay. If he's going for a nomination,
I'm going for a nomination.

Between you and me, looks like what
Dick's going for here is a nomination.

I may be alone in this, but I'm going
for one too.

And the Dewey Decimal System is
especially difficult for children.

I can't tell you how many times children
have come up to me confused, needing

assistance.

I'm, uh... I'm sorry. I mean, you know,
it's...

It's one thing for us adults, but...

I mean, when kids have to suffer...

I don't know, I don't...

I've never seen Dick acting so weird.

Yeah.

I wish Larry, Daryl, and Daryl would
come back with their puppets.

You know, our discussion today relates
to some pretty heavy issues in my own

life.

Books have always had a...

Special meaning to me.

I remember going to the library

when I was a kid.

What's happening?

Not sure.

Oh, come on.

weirdness going on.

I'm sure it will stop immediately.

All right, cut it out. Now, now,

now.

I mean it.

Boy, this is bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Anything you say, dick.

Are you all right, Mrs. Carruthers? I
think so.

I think I see that our time is up.

Before we go, I'd like to apologize to
my guest.

Mrs. Carruthers, I'm sorry we didn't get
a chance to talk more. Who cares?

Just please let this end.

Right. I'd like to apologize to you for
what you've just seen here.

A lot of people got carried away here
today.

I'm especially embarrassed for my
performance, which can only

be described as Bozo the host.

I can assure you this will never happen
again.

Meow.