Original subtitles

Hi, Dick.

Happy? Need anything for the office?

How about a lock for my door?

No, I mean it, really. Anything, anything.

Well, how about the pencil sharpener you promised me for the last six months?

I'm sorry, Dick. Those are just impossible to get.

I'll tell you what. I'll give you one of mine.

You have more than one?

Well, not anymore.

But hey, no sacrifice is too great.

Oh, by the by.

The station manager and I were just having a little chat about my future.

I was wondering if you could poke that sincere head in and say a kind word or

two about your biggest fan.

Ah, so that's what this is all about.

Dick, you wouldn't deny me one little plug after all I've done for you. No, I

really cherish these last two minutes.

Okay.

Look who's here. Well, hi, Dick. It's good to see you.

Um, can you excuse me for a minute?

Ed, I'm watching the news. Dwight's got spinach stuck in his teeth again.

Well, when we go to commercial, toss him some dental floss.

So, Dick, Michael's been telling me you're very happy.

Yeah, things are going great.

Don't be modest, Dick. Tell her all I've done for you.

He's done a lot.

Please, Dick, you're embarrassing me.

I see. So, in your opinion, Michael deserves a hot tub in his office.

A hot tub?

You know, Dick, to relieve tension during those late night...

brainstorming sessions.

I have no opinion on this.

But you do agree with Michael's other demands. A full -time assistant, a paid

trip to New York each month, a cappuccino machine.

I'm sorry. I had no idea I was going to be used as a pawn in somebody's contract

negotiations. Well, Michael, it seems Dick finds your demands as outrageous as

do. I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no.

To all of them?

What is this, public television?

I'm going to leave now. I'm with you, Dick. You hear that, Bev? Either I get

what I want or Dick and I walk.

What? Michael, you're dragging Dick into this against his will. I find that

incredibly slimy.

I don't think I want to renew your contract at any price.

Come again?

Listen, Bev, I was going to insist you use that hot tub, too.

Goodbye, Michael. As far as New York goes, I can live with my little town

Goodbye, Michael.

Bev, your side of the negotiation is starting to sound a bit one -noted.

Okay.

Well, actually, I'm glad it happened this way. You just try to replace me.

town isn't exactly crawling with wunderkins.

This is my brother, Daryl, and this is my other brother, Daryl.

What can I do for you, fellas?

We was wondering if you'd hang one of our promotional flyers here at the inn.

We're trying to give our cafe business a kick in the get -along.

This Thursday is blood type O night.

Oh, Larry.

Read on. It gets better.

To all folks with the aforementioned flu... and fluid coursing through their

veins. Free beverage with your meal.

Larry, I really don't think this is going to attract many people.

Well, Daryl did a lot of research, and type O is the most popular blood.

Hi, guys.

Afternoon, Miss Tiffany.

Would you do us the pleasure of dragging your lovely bones over to our cafe this

Thursday?

This is the last time I let you mount an advertising blitz.

Hi, honey. Hi, guys.

Michael! Steph.

Oh, my God.

Something terrible has happened to your income.

That's my extrasensory sweetie.

Actually, we've hit a small snag in my contract negotiations.

He was fired.

What? It was a fluke, Steph. I was practically floating in my hot tub when

torpedoed me.

I had nothing to do with it. You were trying to use trickery and deceit to get

what you wanted. And you wouldn't help him.

If you're looking for employment, it's become apparent to us that we're in dire

need of a media consultant.

Well, guys, I'm honored.

But unfortunately, I'm strictly a broadcast animal.

Well, if you change your mind, we're confident you can make the crossover to

print medium.

I'm thinking this all rather lightly.

Well, it's easy when you have one of these. The resume that no one says no

You list William F. Buckley as a reference?

He spoke at a seminar I attended. We hit it off.

Really? As far as I could tell from the row I was sitting in.

Sounds like you've got a buddy.

One look at this, I'll be snatched up by a network so fast I'll get whiplash.

Oh.

Michael, what's this? You had absolutely nothing to do with Ghostbusters.

Come on, Dick. It's not like they check on these things.

Hi, Dick.

I may have found a new producer for your show.

How would you like the job?

To me, it sounds pretty complicated.

Michael did it.

Well, that's true.

Besides, this way you'd have complete control over your own show.

Oh, I could finally get intelligent, thought -provoking guests.

Well, check with me before you actually book anybody.

Now, I've asked your production crew to stop by so you can go over what you'll

need for this week's show.

Dick, you know Len, your production manager.

Bud, your prop man.

And Ernie, your gopher.

Guys. Dick's your boss from now on.

Boy, is she hot.

Yeah, well, why don't we get started?

What happened to Michael?

He decided to move on to other horizons. Got canned over the hot tub, huh?

For this week, I pulled off a real coup. I have Henry Jensen, the landscape

photographer.

So, anyway, I'll need an easel to display his photos.

You know, for photographs, I'd recommend an easel.

That could work.

Do you want me to buy one or make one in the shop?

Make one.

Make one.

Okay.

Is something wrong? No, nothing. Just that it'll cost about three times as

as buying one.

Oh, well, then buy one.

Fill out a purchase order.

And I'll need a pointer, too.

You know, you could use a pointer to go with that easel.

Good idea.

Either buy it or make it.

Buy it.

Okay.

It was.

Nothing. It's just that we could make a pointer in the shop for next to nothing.

It'd be a lot less paperwork.

Oh, okay. Then make it.

Not a lot less.

No, I, um...

I want the punter to be about... Hey, Dick, Dick.

Don't worry.

I know exactly what you want.

Look, I've been in this business 30 years. Tell him.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm sure you do.

What about transportation for this photo guy?

Well, he lives right near me, so I can bring him here myself. Okay. What?

Nothing just might cost the transportation guy his job, that's all.

Oh, Ernie's our transportation guy.

Just fill out the work order.

Fine.

I'll have to borrow your car.

I totaled mine last week.

Don't worry. I've learned not to let people goad me into racing.

Oh, hi, honey.

Guess what? The station manager has decided to let me produce my own show.

That sounds complicated.

Not really.

Hi, all.

Oh, hi, Michael. How are you? Michael, you haven't called me in three days.

I'm sorry, Cupcake, but I've been swamped with job offers. I'm trying to

the one that'll be the least work.

And still bloat my wallet to your satisfaction.

Oh, your excuse.

So is Bev still pulling out her prematurely graying hair, trying to

Actually, she found someone.

Really? So fast.

That's terrific.

Looks like everything worked out for the best.

Michael, long time no see. How's it going?

Gee, I didn't mean to hit him so hard.

Michael, I'm sure that something horrible must be eating you up inside,

you're making the rest of us uncomfortable.

I hope I didn't ruin the sweater.

Oh, if it couldn't take tears, I would have handed you over to Joanna.

Now tell us what's wrong.

I'm sorry about the waterworks, everyone.

I've, uh... I've hit the skids.

I'm totally out of money.

My landlord padlocked my apartment.

All my bills are past due.

I peeled out in my Turbo Z, one step ahead of the repossessor.

But, Michael, you lost your job three days ago. Where did all the money...

Financial fast lane, Dick.

The reality of it didn't hit me until today. There in the hardware store,

they... They took away my gold card.

No!

I never saw one cut in half with an axe before.

Michael, I'm sure you'll get a job soon.

Remember the resume that no one can say no to.

They said it.

47 times. 47 polite replies telling me I'm fly spit.

Michael, I know what you must be going through.

You do? You've been out of work?

Nope. Started here when I was 15.

Been here ever since.

It's a good feeling.

George, don't you have some work to do?

Always.

They finally get to replace me.

What career -grabbing vulture is drooling over my desk while my body's

warm?

That would be me.

You? Somebody wiped the footprints off my back.

Michael, you could call Bev.

What's the point? She realized she doesn't need me.

No one does.

Well, I better shove off.

If you have a cardboard box, I could use some shelter tonight.

you're going through.

And until it's over, you can live here.

Well, we could give him room seven.

I won't be any bother.

I don't even need any blankets. You can just cover me with rejection letters.

Hi, Dick.

Those photos from that camera guy.

And here's your car keys.

Oh, these are great.

What's this picture of my car?

Oh, sorry. That's for the insurance adjuster.

Oh, no. It's not a big dent.

The station's going to take care of it.

I could drive it over to the repair shop right now. No.

I'll drive it myself.

Okay, but be careful.

It tends to go in circles.

When the kid smashed up your car, you'll have to fill out this insurance claim

for me.

Hi, Dick. I just wanted to get your approval on this pointer.

Besides being too long, it's not round and it doesn't have a point. So it's

okay?

Forget it. I'll take it home and have my handyman cut it. Okay.

I really don't need a pointer.

Canceling a prop order.

What about the easel?

The easel? The easel!

Gee, I was so busy getting the pointer right, I forgot all about it.

That is the most... Oh, Dick, I'm sorry. I want a break.

Here's a form if you want to complain about Bud.

I've had forms up to here. I have a love for a pointer and I have a car that

goes clockwise.

Something has got to be done.

Monday's Bud's birthday. We're all chipping in ten dollars.

What are you doing up so early?

I had another nightmare.

It was a two -headed creature that looked like Dick and Bev.

Michael, that's what you get when you make a whole dinner out of aerosol

Michael, I've got a lot of work to do in the garage.

Do you want to come watch me hammer?

Thanks, George, but I think I watched long enough yesterday to last a while.

I'll just go sit out on the porch and wave at cars.

Can't compete with that.

Stephanie!

I never see you anymore. Are you avoiding me?

Oh, Michael, how could you even think that?

I'm sorry.

Give us a hug.

No.

I can't tell, Steph. All I can do is set daily goals for myself and try to meet

them.

I better get out and start waving.

Michael, I want you to come with me to the station and demand your job back.

No, Dick, it's better this way. I got what I deserve.

Bev fired me because I was slime.

I used people.

Well, yeah.

You were good at it. At what? Selling out for ratings?

Pandering to whatever was base and vile in the audience?

Well, yeah.

Save the cheerleading, Dick. The world's better off with me out of work.

Well, aren't you going to argue with him?

Honey, I can't. From slime on, he was right.

Stephanie, maybe you can get him to go with Dick. He might be able to get his

job back.

I'm nothing. I'm a lamp without a bulb.

I'm baked beans without that little glob.

I don't know what you call it.

It's supposed to be salt pork. God only knows what it really is.

Wait a minute. I'm more like that.

Michael, you are not a pork glob.

You have talent.

You can seem sincere when you're not. You can switch opinions.

Have I got a surprise for you.

Look who's here.

You?

Michael? Hello, Miss Dutton.

He, uh, he can't stay long.

This man is in demand.

Michael, uh, tell her, tell her what you've been up to.

Well, you know, I kind of just bought chips.

What he's trying to say is he's considering a ton of other positions.

Is one of them upright?

Can we go home now? I'm missing my soaps.

Bev, can't you take him back? He's a good producer.

I'm sorry, Dick.

Well, I'm sorry, too. If I don't get him back, then I'm walking.

No, you're not.

Oh, yeah? Just watch me. This is me leaving.

Dick! He's a jerk.

I know that, but I need him.

You mean that, Dick?

Darn right I do.

Somebody needs me?

Well, if you feel that strongly about it, I guess I can reconsider.

Thanks. You're welcome.

A moment to tell guys and gals.

Let's not toss the confetti before the parade.

What about my demands?

What? I'll take you back at your old salary. No frills, no perks.

I'll come back for a 10 % increase.

Five. And you're not worth it. Bev, read my lips.

There's no more money in the budget. What do you want me to do, take it out

Dick's salary?

Well, no way.

Come in.

Here you are, Dick. I found you a real nice easel.

It has two legs. It'll fall over.

Great. So it's okay.

Okay, take it out of my sight.

All right.

The wunderkind is back.

Thanks, Dick. I won't forget you for this. You're crazy. You know that.

Look, it'll be worth it just to have them bail me out of all that paperwork.

What paperwork? I always have Len fill it out.

Meow.