All language subtitles for Newhart s03e11 Pillow Fight

Wait, I can't write this book on making
pillows.

I'm out of patience. I'm out of time.
And if I inhale one more feather, I'm

going to officially qualify as a
mattress.

Calm down and tell me what happened.

It exploded again.

I'm going down to O'Shea's. Dick.

No telling what time I'll be back.

Dick, it's not even noon.

Joanna, don't try to stop me. I need a
milkshake.

Come on, you've never... I've never
given up on a book before.

That's because my other books were about
things I knew about.

Guy stuff, lumber, steel, bricks.

Not things that can fly up your nose.

Honey, I sew pillows all the time. Let's
go sit down and I'll show you how.

Okay, but if this doesn't work, I'm
going to go down to O'Shea's and drink

myself under the plastic clown.

Hi.

Come in.

This is my brother.

Miss Mother... We know, Larry.

What can we do for you? Termites have
infested our domicile.

That's awful.

Have you called an exterminator? Yeah,
he's fumigating Monday.

The sad thing is, in order to get rid of
the termites, he has to kill the

silverfish.

There's so much senseless slaughter.

Anyways, much as we'd like to...

They won't let us stay during the
gassing.

So we've come over to prevail on you for
a reservation.

You want to stay here?

Basement will be fine.

Larry, the basement is dark and damp and
full of mildew. You don't have to sell

us.

Fellas, the basement is not available.

Why don't you try a room?

Okay. See you next Monday.

Told you we should have made
reservations earlier.

Rolling, rolling, rolling.

Here.

I finished the two pillows.

Oh, thanks, honey, for being such a big
help all this week.

Wow, you're up to page 68. That's great.

Here it comes.

Here you are.

You want to do it this time? Oh, could
I?

That is fun. Thanks.

Well, you earned it. I never could have
finished this book without your help.

Well, maybe I could put your name on the
book, too.

Okay.

Okay what?

Okay, I accept.

I'd love to have my name on the book.

Thank you, honey.

You.

It is?

Yes.

Unless you didn't mean it.

No, of course. Of course I meant it.

I didn't mean it.

I shouldn't have said it.

George, guess what?

Dick's going to share writing credit
with me on his books.

Oh, that's terrific.

That's so him.

Joanna. Dick, Joanna just told me the
good news. And don't worry. The fact

you didn't write this book by yourself
doesn't make you any smaller in my eyes.

If anything, I think the same of you.

Thanks, Joanna.

Hi, all. Ty and Randy are back.

Did you have a good time skating?

Are you kidding?

I have a good time looking this cute and
going like this.

Guess what?

Dick's making me co -author on his book.

Oh, is that exciting?

Yes.

Oh, wait a minute. That is exciting.
That means your picture will be in the

cover. I guess so.

If I didn't want your face on the back
cover, then I wouldn't put your name on

the front.

Why, congrats, Joanna. What a plum for
you. Dick, what a touching gesture.

Oh, I'll get that.

You're burned out, right?

No. Well, good, because I wouldn't want
this teaming up business to spill over

into the show. There's no budget for a
co -host.

There's no need for a co -host.

Or budget.

Michael, do you want to go make some
cocoa? Yes, he does.

Yes, I do.

Dick, I know how it feels to be burnt
out.

There was a time in my life when I
thought I'd never open another drain.

But, to make a long story short, I did.

That was the people in room five. They
need more towels, and they said it was

very sweet of you to share credit with
me on the book.

Hi. I'm Larry, party of three.

Yes, we know, Larry. We have a room
ready for you.

Guys, we don't allow pets.

He ain't a pet.

He's our travel alarm.

I'm sorry. We have rules.

Too bad.

There, I'll take long jeans here out to
the porch.

Here's your key.

Enjoy your stay.

Okay.

Confidentially, we never stayed at an
inn before.

Exactly how are we supposed to comport
ourselves?

Just the way you would at home.

Our home.

I guess we could give it a shake.

I suppose the polite thing is to say hi
to the neighbors.

This is my brother, Darryl.

Elliot,

you're my agent. You're supposed to be
supportive.

Well, calling me a has -been burnout is
not supportive.

There is no best sense of that phrase.

Joanna is not slowing me down. The book
will be a few days late.

Elliot, what's that static?

Alka -Seltzer.

Listen to this. This is a dial tone.

Hi, honey.

I read the book.

What's the verdict? Oh, it's wonderful.

And that chapter on making pillows into
interesting shapes is so creative.

Well, I, uh, worked in some guy stuff.

Dick.

What? Oh.

It's too silly. I shouldn't even go into
it. No, come on. Your name's on it,

too.

Well, uh,

this line here.

If you aren't careful with your basting
and stuffing, your pillow could turn out

to be a real turkey.

Oh.

Oh, it's supposed to be funny.

Well, how do you want me to say it?
Careful basting and stuffing are

That's much clearer.

It might even be funnier.

Now, this line here on page 13, is that
supposed to be a joke, too?

Honey, I was thinking that here on page
73, we could... You skipped page 72.

I like 72.

I just have a little problem. The
problem with this pep talk.

Pep talk?

Yeah. If you get discouraged, don't take
a powder, take a break.

That's a phrase I've used in all my
books. It's like an old friend.

Old friends can be tiresome if they stay
too long.

And it's awfully precious.

My books are not precious.

I don't write precious.

There is nothing precious about me.

Maybe I should come back later to
discuss the dedication.

You have notes on the dedication?

Well, I didn't think you'd be dedicating
this one to me.

Bingo.

I just thought it would be sweet if we
dedicated it to my Aunt Lillian.

The one who tried to kill me?

Dick, she's a lonely old woman. You were
stealing her favorite niece and the...

lawnmower just got away from her.

What am I supposed to say? To Lillian,
thanks for veering?

Well, you may not get along with her,
but I love her. She didn't mow you.

And she's not going in the book. That's
the dumbest thing you've said tonight.

Are you saying my suggestions are dumb?

Bingo.

Well, then, take my name off the book.

No. No?

I put... your name on the book to be
nice. And it's going to say there

you like it or not.

You can take your pillow book and stuff
it.

Is that supposed to be a joke?

Could we have a word with you?

You told us to act like we was at home.
And at home, we wear these to breakfast.

But upon taking a visual poll around the
room, it appears that these people are

wearing something over their dainties.

It's a custom. We stumbled on it one day
and just stuck with it.

Well, it would have helped us if you'd
have laid out the rules more plainly.

Or is this some form of hazing you do to
the new people?

No, and it might be better for you and
for everyone eating if

you put some clothes on.

Oh, boy.

Cornflakes again.

Like some tiresome old friend.

Well, would you rather eat these old
friends or wear them?

Morning, all.

What a day.

Oh, boy, cornflakes.

Never get enough of those.

If you don't mind, dear, could you
possibly pass me the sugar?

Certainly, dear.

But a simple please pass the sugar would
have been less wordy, and you would

have had your sugar sooner.

I could eat in the kitchen.

George, you're a reasonable man.

Uh -oh.

No, George, we just want your opinion on
something.

Which of these two sentences do you
think is better?

If you're not careful with your basting
and stuffing, your pillow could turn out

to be a real turkey.

Or, careful basting and stuffing are
important.

I like them both exactly the same, and I
will eat in the kitchen.

Joanna?

list of photographers for your book
cover.

The first ten are my regulars. The other
nine are just jockeying for my

business.

Oh, Deb, I haven't forgotten the burnout
crisis.

On the flip side, here's a list of co
-hosts we can't afford.

They are all willing to go halfsies on
your salary.

I do not have a burnout crisis.

If you don't mind, that's my list of
photographers for the cover. I didn't

you wanted to be on the book.

I thought someone was making me be on
the book.

Whoa, looks like we've just stumbled
into an episode of The Bickersons.

Yeah, Dick and Joanna, some people in
this room are still in love.

Let's try and set an example for the
next generation of guys and dolls.

Well, I hope you're satisfied you just
drove them out of the room.

I'm surprised you didn't want to share
credit for that.

I wonder if my Aunt Lillian didn't have
the right idea.

Dick! Great to see you. Why aren't you
writing?

Elliot, what are you doing here? The
publisher wants Pillow Talk now, so I

up to get it.

You didn't have to do this. Dick, you're
my client.

I'm involved.

I care.

And this way I can write off my fee
weekend.

So hand over that little monster.

I can't. My...

The collaborator and I are having some
artistic differences.

Oh, God. Well, now what are we going to
do?

Elliot, Joanne and I will work it out.

She just wants to make a few changes,
and I'd rather die first.

Dick, you're obviously too emotionally
involved. What you need is a

disinterested third party to read that
book and then make a final decision.

Are you volunteering?

Yo.

Well, it sure would get this over with.

I don't think Joanna would go along with
it. The best I can do is talk to her.

All right, do what you have to, but if
you have any problems, just remember, I

care, I'm involved.

I'm late for the slopes.

Elliot is here. He wants the book.

Fine. Give it to him.

Look, I want to be fair.

He offered to read the book and decide.

That's supposed to be fair?

Your agent?

Your friend?

He doesn't care what I think.

All I ever get to say to him is, I'm fi.

You're fi?

Yes. He says, how are you? I say, I'm
fi. And he's on to someone else.

This isn't as bad as it looks. I've
known Elliot for 15 years.

He'd sell me down the river like that.

And that's supposed to make me trust
him?

Yeah, because he'd sell you down the
river like that, too.

And that's good?

No, but it's fair.

You have a way with gibberish, you know
that?

Okay, let's show them the manuscript.
I'll go upstairs and get my copy.

Miss Joanne?

Larry. Daryl.

Daryl.

You, uh, you guys going back in?

No, sir. We ain't showing our faces in
that room again.

Them folks have seen us down to our
essence.

I'm afraid the embarrassment has set
Daryl back a couple of years.

Well, you shouldn't really take it so
hard.

Or you shouldn't.

Are you going to be out of your room for
a while? I need to get in there.

Okay, Miss Stephanie, but be careful.

Yesterday afternoon, someone busted into
our room while we was out.

They left tiny bars of soap everywhere.

And wrapped all our drinking glasses in
paper.

It appears to be one of them senseless
crimes.

As much as I hate it, that's my job.

So, Miss Stephanie, forgive us the bits.

You can bust in and paper our glasses
anytime.

We prefer you didn't quibble in here.

Did you ever consider posting all these
rules?

Well, there are plenty of other things
to do around here. Why don't you play a

game?

George, why don't you show the guys how
to play Monopoly?

Sure thing.

Nice paint job.

Okay, here it is.

Joanna, how are you?

I'm fine. Well, Dick.

Elliot,

Joanna and I have decided to take you up
on your offer.

Here's Dick's manuscript with my
changes.

Great. I'll read it when I get back.

Oh, and if this... does its job, I may
have a female friend to help me turn the

pages.

Elliot, read it now. You may be too
depressed at the end of the day.

Okay, let me see that thing.

Well, if the first page is any
indication, your version has more flow,

Elliot, read the whole book and be
impartial.

Impartial. Gotcha.

When I say impartial, I mean impartial.

Right, Dick.

Elliot, where are your damn ears?

Listen to me. We want a fair, unbiased
reading of the book.

Well, if you mean it, Dick.

I'm gonna need some Alka -Seltzer.

There's some in there.

What about water?

Rough it.

Free parking.

Boring.

I'm going to go get us some sodas. It's
your move, fellas.

Chance.

Take a ride on the Reading Railroad.

No matter how this thing turns out, I
want you to know that what you did with

Elliot was precious.

Don't start up with me.

No, no, good precious.

You made him be impartial. Well, you
raised some points that deserve to be

considered fairly.

Some.

Well, maybe I did get a little carried
away, but when you put my name on the

book, it made me want to leave my mark
on it.

You left your mark on every page but 72.

Don't start up with me. Okay, okay.

I've been thinking.

Maybe what we should do is dedicate the
book to someone we can both agree on.

What about my cousin Edith?

Oh, that's right. You don't like her
either.

No, Edith's all right.

She smells funny, but... At least she's
not an assassin.

Well, I don't have to read any further.
I have real problems here on P .A .J.

Elliot. Come on, come on. Let's save
this baby.

Now, the publisher said he wanted a
simple book on pillows. Why are you

complicating it with all this creative
crud?

Pillow hand thaws?

Pillow power drills?

Get real.

Ellie, that's the one thing that Joanna
and I always agreed on. Yeah.

Sure, you love it right now. But see how
easy it lifts out?

So much for creativity.

Wow.