Original subtitles

I'm Stuart Codswell, and I have a reservation.

Oh, yes.

You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Codswell.

Today is our maid's day off. It's the only chance I have to get the cleaning

done.

Here you go.

Thank you.

I'll get our handyman to carry your things upstairs for you.

That's okay. I prefer to carry my bags myself.

See, it's easier.

Mr. Codswell, I ought to tell you that we can't allow pets.

You can't?

Well... Good policies. You know, I hate them. This might sound nitpicky, but

that box does look like it could contain a yucky pet.

Don't be silly. No, you see, this is socks.

Then why are there air holes?

I didn't say they were clean.

Room seven.

And this, of course, is the lot.

Oh!

Actually,

you were here before.

This is where you checked in.

And I still love it.

Well, feel free to hug a wall.

What's all this?

I'm trying to get some cleaning done.

Oh, right. This is Stephanie's day off.

Say, Dick, you know those Celtics tickets you were trying to get and I

could get them for you? Well, guess what?

You got them. No.

But my friend Dutch did and he gave them to me.

Thanks, George. Say, Dick, I couldn't help noticing there are two tickets

Were you planning to take anyone and...

Particular? Yeah, George, I was planning on taking you.

Oh.

Well, it's kind of last minute, but okay.

Mr. Loudon, you've done such a fabulous job of preserving this place. You're

just wonderful.

Well, the guest is always right.

Mr. Loudon. Oh, you can call me Mr. Wonderful.

Well, they like us to stick with the name on the arrest warrant.

Arrest warrant? You're arresting Dick?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Well, what did he do?

I didn't do anything.

What did I do?

Well, you held up a liquor store.

What?

Oh, sorry, wrong warrant.

Apparently you failed to pay some parking fines. Well, that's more like

There must be some mistake. I had a couple tickets, but I paid.

I never get tired of hearing that one.

Just the same, you're going to have to come down to the station with me. I'll

follow you down.

You'll probably want to bring some money, ma 'am. Or his toothbrush,

on how badly you want him back.

Look, I'm sorry about this.

We'll be back before you know it. Well, just in case you're not, Mr.

Loudon, thanks for everything.

You have a lovely hideout.

Now, Dick, just try to cool down.

I don't want to cool down. I was arrested in front of my guests. I was

a cell with a guy who actually smelled like he could have been Jack Daniels.

And then the judge fined me $275 for a crime I never committed.

Well, I believe you, honey, but that was no reason to lose your head outside the

courthouse. Honey, in this great country of ours, civil disobedience is a

birthright.

Besides, I don't think the judge even saw who threw that snowball.

Dick.

Dick, isn't it remotely possible that you forgot to pay those parking tickets?

No, and I'm going to prove it.

Out of my way.

Who are you talking to?

A chair.

Oh, hello, Mr. Cogswell.

Oh, hi.

Gee, I didn't see you standing there.

I've been on a diet.

What's that?

Oh, well, I got a little hungry, so I fixed myself a snack.

Raw liver?

Yeah, it's my one weakness.

You'd be amazed at how many restaurants overcook it.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh what?

Ha, I was right. I did pay those traffic fines. I had the canceled checks here.

Now maybe the judge will listen to reason. Assuming he's gotten all the

of his ear.

I was aiming for his hat.

Dick, honey, don't you think you should wait until you're in a less vengeful

mood? I'm not vengeful.

I'm simply going to go down to the courthouse and lay the canceled checks

one by one under the beak of that black cowed pompous toad of a judge.

Boy, did I take the right day off or what?

So how was skiing?

Wonderful. I had a lesson with the single most gorgeous ski instructor on

planet. Wolfgang.

Stephanie. Oh, he doesn't mind.

Do you, Wolfie?

Nine.

Where's Dick? We've got to try this out on him.

You won't believe what happened.

Dick was arrested.

Arrested? For what?

Failure to pay parking fines. But it's just a misunderstanding. He's gone to

straighten things out.

Michael, you want to stay for lunch? No, thanks. I nibbled Steffi's ear on the

chair.

Why the long face, Ingrid?

Michael... Do you remember when Dick and Joanna went to that writer's conference

in New York?

How could I forget? That's the week we had to replace Dick's show with that

monster rerun.

Monster ratings.

Well, while they were gone, I borrowed Dick's car and I got some parking

that I guess I forgot to tell him about or pay.

Bad form, Steph.

Why were you using his car? It's American, isn't it?

I was buying shoes. I needed a wagon.

You had a perfect explanation.

So you don't think he'll be mad?

At that little nose?

You're right.

I was being a doom cop.

Oh, sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Loudon. I hope this won't take too long.

got a splitting headache.

Someone beamed me with a snowball this morning.

Kids, kids, kids.

Well, what can I do for you?

Judge Drayton, I'm sure you're probably a decent guy, but your decision this

morning really sucked rope.

You're out.

To tell you the truth, Mr. Loudon, you're right.

I am? In reviewing your file, I found a serious oversight.

You were fined $275.

It should have been $300.

What?

It's time I got a new calculator. This old one sucks rope, is it?

But I'm not guilty. As a matter of fact, you're guilty of false arrest.

Excuse me?

I have here three, count them three, cancel checks made out to the municipal

court for parking violations.

One, two, three.

Read them and weep.

Well, I'll be.

You did pay them.

Surprise, surprise.

But unfortunately, you failed to pay four, five...

Four,

five, and six.

Surprise, surprise.

But I never got those. This is an outrage. You should be disrobed.

Mr. Loudon, you seem to have a slight... attitude problem.

Obviously, just finding you wasn't enough.

Maybe some community service work would do you good.

Community service work? Yes, that's where you cheerfully donate all your

time for some community improvement project.

You can't do that to me.

I'm a judge.

You start tomorrow.

But I'm busy tomorrow. I have tickets to the solids game. You do?

You're a lucky man.

Well, you were.

But I'll miss the game.

This is a travesty of justice.

But what I'm trying to say is... I don't have an attitude problem

anymore.

You may not, Mr. Loudon, but there's one thing the community service will do.

What's that?

It'll keep you too busy to throw any more snowballs.

Hi, honey. Did you get everything straightened out with the judge?

Oh, yeah.

I felt so bad, he's gonna let me paint the town hall.

What? He sentenced me to 20 hours of community service work starting

Claims I have a bad attitude.

Can you believe that jerk?

Does this mean you're going to miss the game tomorrow? What a jerk. I'm so mad I

could kick something.

Well, I don't understand. Didn't you show him the canceled checks?

Of course I did. Then he showed me three more tickets I don't even remember

getting.

Unless... Don't look at me.

George, what about you?

I'll need to hear the whole question, Dick.

Did you get any parking tickets with my car?

Don't look at me.

All right, I'm going to tear my files apart, but I'm telling you, I never got

tickets four, five, and six.

Did I hear Dick come back?

Out of my way.

Who's he talking to?

A chair.

I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Why not?

Because the judge sentenced Dick to 20 hours of community service.

He's madder than I've ever seen him.

Aha!

Aha what?

Aha!

I finally found something to kick.

George, if you get a chance, you might take a look at the desk and, honey, you

get a chance, you might take a look at my foot.

Start up with me.

Stephanie, you didn't get any tickets using Dick's car, did you?

Why would I use Dick's car? It's American.

Oh, of course.

Stephanie, is anything wrong?

Why would you think that?

Well, you're working.

hard.

It'll pass.

Hi,

Mrs. Loudon. Can Steffi come out and play, or is she grounded?

Grounded? Whoa.

Turbo kiss.

Nice jumpsuit, Dick.

Midlife crisis?

No, they have this rule that says if you do community service work, you have to

look like the village idiot.

Community service work?

You know, for those parking violations Dick got.

Allegedly got.

Ah.

Oh.

Listen, Steph, I'm feeling madcap today.

What say we try out that new hair salon?

No, I'm just going to stay here and work.

Poor Steph.

How about if I bring you back a lock of my hair?

Okay.

Remember, you've got that cute little nose. No one can take that away from

Here's your lunch, honey.

Joanna, I was ordered to do community service work, not impersonate Ralph

Cramden.

George.

Yeah, Dick.

You may as well give this Celtics ticket to somebody else.

Oh, gee, Dick, maybe you could talk to the judge one more time.

George, if I try to prove my innocence anymore, I'll wind up on death row.

Dick!

What?

Have fun.

Yeah, yeah, we're talking Mardi Gras.

Oh, Mr.

Cogswell, where are we off to?

We?

Oh, yeah, well, I thought I'd, you know, take in the sights.

Your socks should enjoy that.

Yeah, they sure could use some fresh air.

Mr. Cogswell, it's painfully clear that you are hiding something. I don't think

there are socks in here. I think that what's in here is... nothing.

I suppose there's a rule against that, huh?

Oh, Mr.

Cotswell, I'm so sorry. I was sure you were hiding a pet in here.

I'm just so embarrassed. I don't know what to say. I hope you'll forgive me.

here, have a postcard.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

George. Yeah? Did you ever get punished when you were a child?

Well, sure.

Didn't everyone?

Not me.

Never?

Not even the time I cut leather doll clothes out of the upholstery in my

father's Rolls Royce.

And he didn't punish you for that?

He gave me a pony.

Whoa.

He said I'd shown ingenuity and imagination.

Well, I had, you know.

Boy, if I'd ever done anything like that, my father would have taken me out

the woodshed and smoked my behind but good.

Gee, he must have really hated you.

No, he loved me.

But he got so angry?

Oh, yeah, but after a couple hours, he'd be saying, Hey, George, you want to

play some catch?

And you'd go play with him and everything would be fine again?

Well, first I'd throw the ball over his head a few times and make him kick.

Then everything would be fine.

George, could I have that extra basketball ticket? I have somebody I

give it to. Sure.

And...

Tell Joanna I had to go out for a while.

Where shall I tell her you went?

To the woodshed.

You missed a spot.

I didn't miss a spot. This is cheap paint.

Oh, and I guess you better give it a second coat when you're through.

Well, I better pick up some brewskis.

You guys are coming over to watch the Celtics game this afternoon.

I had tickets to that game.

Looks like you paid for the wrong tickets.

Wrong tickets, huh? Yeah.

Hi, Stephanie. What are you doing here?

Oh, I thought I'd just, you know, drop in and say hi.

See if you needed anything.

Possibly throw myself at your feet and beg you to please, please, please,

forgive me.

Should, um... Should this be making sense?

Dick, do you remember...

When you and Joanna went to that writer's conference in New York, and you

her car?

Yeah.

Well, you didn't take your car.

So I didn't take... my car.

You'll never believe what I did.

Fine.

I borrowed your car.

Ah.

Then, uh... Then what happened?

I got some parking tickets.

Ah.

Why, uh... Why didn't you pay them?

I was going to.

But there was this series of monetary disasters.

Oh.

Like... Like what?

Well, my hair dryer died.

And I had an overdue phone bill. You have to pay those or you can get in

big trouble.

Really?

Yeah.

And as if that wasn't enough, Kellum's had this huge sweater sale.

A sweater sale is not a disaster.

It would have been if I hadn't gotten this purple one.

Let me get this straight. You borrowed my car, ran up some tickets, didn't pay

them, didn't bother to tell me.

Let me take the wraps so I'm standing here in this silly jumpsuit and missing

the basketball game of the century.

That's pretty much it.

I'm glad you're taking it like this.

I was afraid you were going to yell.

I'm too mad to yell.

Well, that's true, really.

I don't believe this. How could you not tell me? I was going to tell you, but

you were so mad. You had this look in your eye.

That's the one.

And the longer I waited, the harder it got.

That is no excuse.

Well, it would be a lot easier for a person to do the decent thing if they

it more fun, you know.

Stephanie, do you have any idea the trouble you've caused?

I bushwhacked a judge.

I'm going to tell him everything on Monday.

And here, you can still make the game.

No, I can't.

If Judge Drayton finds out I left here, he'll sentence me to 15 years in the

electric chair.

I guess if anyone has to paint this place, it should be someone else.

Like who?

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll paint it for you.

But it's not fair.

George got to play catch.

I'd ask what that means, but I...

I have a tip -off to miss.

Dick?

Do you forgive me?

Okay, okay, okay.

Meow.