Original subtitles

Well, it's time for that annual rite of passage for high school juniors

everywhere. The dreaded SAT, better known as the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

This one examination will determine which college you'll get into, which

determines what kind of job you'll get, which determines how much money you'll

make, which determines who you'll marry, which determines what your kids will

look like.

Guess every time you see an ugly kid, you know somebody didn't study.

To help us conquer this beast, Andale turned the den into a SAT study zone.

Every day between 3 and 6, a small but dedicated group of Crenshaw scholars

gathered in the pursuit of academic excellence.

That is, until word got out that Terry Hightower, the star forward for our

Crenshaw Cougars, was a member of our group.

Now we're a very large group of dedicated Jewelers.

Is it possible to know more than you need to know?

Kim, you need to learn everything you can to get into a good school. Yeah,

What college do you want to go to?

Field.

Field?

Fashion, and so too, a la mer.

You don't need the SATs to enroll there. All you need is $39 .95 and a sewing

kit.

Terry, are you okay?

Not really.

The test made me nervous.

Alas, this isn't even the real deal. You know, this is the practice.

No, it is. It hooked me up with some practice answers.

Joaquin, the whole purpose of this test is to recreate the... Niecy, what are

you doing?

Best I can.

All right, crew, time's up. Let's see who's going to a campus or who's going

Camp Pendleton.

Yes. Can I talk to you for a second? Oh, sure, sir.

What's up?

Look, Moe, it's about the SAT.

I don't do well on big tests. I freeze up.

Look, if you don't do good this time, you can always take it the next time.

a senior, Moe. This is next time.

If I don't break 1050, Timber's going to prop 48 my scholarship away.

Look, you will be fine. You've been studying hard. You just need to relax.

I need you to take this test for me.

I don't know what you said way up there, but by the time it got down here, it

sounded like complete madness.

I'll do this for you, Mom.

Setting aside the ethical and legal ramifications of your request, a lot of

reasons come to mind why no one will mistake me for you. I mean, there's

there's gender, and only I can go left, too.

No problem. I'm scheduled to take the test in a valley.

Nobody knows who I am.

But I would know.

Know, Terry.

All right.

Be like that.

me to cheat.

On Q?

No, on the SATs. He wants me to take his test for him.

Oh, girl, that means he likes you.

He's cheating and it's not fair.

Oh, lighten up, Mo. It's not all that bad.

It's more like, like substituting.

I don't believe you guys. We all bust our butts while Mr. Hoop dreams expects

free ride.

You know what?

Mo's got a point. You should charge him.

Frank's baby plants.

Plants? I thought that was your baby.

Very funny.

Oh, so what's the holdup? Frank Swimmer scared of the water?

Angela?

All right. I'll be more diplomatic. Does he have a low sperm count?

Oh!

I just wish there was some sort of a home test for this.

Oh, darling, you are the home test.

We'll leave you two alone.

And remember, be positive now, because the man is half...

and she said that you canceled your appointment again.

Yeah, I already had my checkup. And now you need to be tested.

Dee, there's nothing wrong with me.

Honey, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Frank, this test is not about your manhood.

Good. Then you take the test.

If I could take the test, Frank, I would.

Because there is nothing that I wouldn't do to get pregnant with your baby.

And make you happy.

Okay, Dee, I'll go and make another appointment.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You told your friends about this, didn't you?

Of course not.

Hello?

No, you've got the wrong number.

Yes, you do, Angela. Goodbye.

Excuse me, miss.

I'm here to take a test.

We give over 300 different tests. Do you want a specific test or do you want

them all?

Come on.

I'm here to take, you know, the test.

Oh, I understand.

You're here for the sperm count test.

Here. Sit over there, fill these out, and keep your trap shut.

That's some pretty provocative reading you got there.

It's stimulating.

I tried provocative twice.

Now I'm a two -time loser.

This time, I'm stacking the deck.

Look, if I might make a suggestion, why don't you just think about your wife and

about all those passionate times that you had with her?

This is my wife.

Come on, man. I got to go in there, too.

See what I mean?

Never think about your wife.

Better you speak for yourself.

Bam!

Wow.

Oh,

yeah, that's me.

Say, buddy, could I take her in there with me?

Hey, come on, man.

Thanks, pal.

Mitchell?

Here, take this.

Go in there.

In there?

That's right.

In the same direction that I am pointing my finger.

Now, do you need any specific instructions on what to do while you're

No, I think I can handle it from here.

Although I am curious about one thing.

What was your account?

Yo,

word is that Terry knocked the S -A -T out the B -O -X.

Our homeboy broke 1 ,200.

Yes, I knew he could do it if he just relaxed.

After getting 653 times, he was more than relaxed, boo -boo. He was in a

Or, uh, at home while Mo took the test for him.

Now, why would I do something stupid like that?

Three reasons. Finding bonus courtside seats and community property.

Hello.

Ooh, ooh, and Dale, and Dale, you still giving away free smoothies to anybody

with a SAT receipt?

Yes, I am.

We'll make mine a banana berry boom and a heavy on the boom.

Boy, I'm going to boom you upside your head. This is the third receipt you done

brought up in here.

Well, don't hate me because I'm an overachiever.

Hey, congratulations, player. I heard Moe aced that SAT thing for you. Man,

does everybody think Moe took the test for me?

22nd time now, homie.

Who else think I cheated for you?

Other than the principal.

The principal? Now, who would tell him that?

I just go in there to use the phone.

Can't. Sorry.

I don't know, Raul. I mean, the tech could always come back low and... Hold

right there, Frank.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You're a man, aren't you?

Well, well, yeah, but I mean... No well yeah about it, so it can't be you. And

here's why.

When women pass 30...

There's a lot they can't do anymore.

I mean, how old is Dee?

Uh, she's 39.

My point exactly.

With that kind of mileage, she probably needs a whole new engine.

Oh, wait a minute.

Okay, okay, but you know what I'm driving at.

On the other hand, how old are you?

39. See?

You're a young man.

You got your whole life ahead of you.

Yeah, that is true. That is true.

I don't know.

All I'm worried about... Listen, Frank, a man can be half -dead and still father

a child.

Look at Anthony Quinn.

Well, yeah, but I don't... Then there's Tony Randall. The guy's 76, and he's

having a kid.

Felix Unger? Yeah, I know.

But, you know, we don't want to go there.

Look, Frank, stop worrying about this baby thing.

Hakuna Matata.

What does that mean?

If you could have kids, you would know.

We have two kids, Raul.

Hey, honey.

Hi, Vic.

Hey, Raul.

Hey, Vic. You're looking good.

Frank, you didn't tell me you were married to a 25 -year -old.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Beverly.

Did you get my test results back?

So how'd we do? How'd we do?

Well, why not?

Yeah, he's right here.

It's for you.

What did she say? Oh, some nonsense about doctor -patient privilege.

What about girlfriend -to -girlfriend privilege?

Raul, you mind? I have to talk to the doctor.

Hey, you gotta let me know the results. You owe me that.

All right.

I'll see you tomorrow at work.

But don't forget, you're a man.

Hakuna Matata.

Yeah, Hakuna goodbye -bye.

Yeah, yeah. Hi, Bev.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for calling.

I appreciate it. Yeah, you too.

So what'd she say, Frank?

She said I should get a second opinion.

From a man doctor.

There you go.

A bill?

What's this for?

For claiming a smoothie under false pretenses. Cheating never pays, but

always do.

Andel, I didn't cheat.

Terry, how you doing?

Not good.

Everyone thinks I cheated.

They want me to take that test over again.

For real?

That's not fair.

Doesn't matter.

I just go play ball in Italy.

Italy? Why Italy?

$500 ,000 a year, my own villa, and all the Armani Pat Riley doesn't buy.

But you'll be in a foreign country. You wouldn't understand the language.

Okay,

Pavarotti.

There's no sense in me giving you the usual speech about getting an education

you can have something to fall back on.

500 ,000 a year, you can pay somebody to go to college for you.

Besides, in Italy, you'll be far enough away where you won't hear the vicious

whispers of how you cheated, how you couldn't cut it, or how you ran away

your tail between your legs.

I don't care what they say. I'll pass that test. Then pass it again.

It's too much pressure.

Pressure? Boy, I saw you at the city finals. One second left on the clock.

Crenshaw was down by two, and you hit three free throws. Now that is pressure.

It's not the same.

I'm out there on the court.

I'm at home.

She put a test in front of me, and I choked like a New York Knicks.

Well, you didn't choke the last time.

It was a good day.

Well, just take the test.

No, I'm going to Italy.

I've got an idea.

You gotta promise me you won't go to Italy, make a million dollars, and wear

Armani for a couple of days.

You promise?

Te lo prometo.

I hope that's a yes and I kiss my Adidas.

Okay, Terry.

This exam comes in two halves, math and verbal.

There's no shot clock, no timeouts, and absolutely no substitutions.

Do you have any questions?

Let's do this.

Terry, you're going up against a team with the best front line in the league,

tension and trepidation. In the backcourt, they've got that dazzling duo

confusion and doubt. And in the hall, they've got big pop of time.

Now, he plays from tip -off to the final buzzer, and even then, he doesn't quit.

All right.

Represent.

You ready?

Begin.

Jerry, hands up. I did it, y 'all.

They're excited for you.

They're just holding it inside.

Oh, yeah, he's at his little man doctor right now.

I don't care if he is seeing Dr.

Seuss, Angela.

All I care about is that when he comes home, he is ready to take the next step.

Look, I gotta go. I'll call you later. The doorbell.

Yeah, it's a real doorbell.

Come on in.

Hi, Ms. Mitchell. Is Moe here?

Sure is.

I'll go get her.

Moe, Terry's here.

Hi, Terry.

What's up, what's up?

Oh, Ms. Mitchell. I want you to hear about this, too. Oh, my God, you heard.

you couldn't have heard. Just tell me. No, don't tell me.

Moe, will you let him speak, please? I'm sorry.

What'd you get?

Thanks to Coach Moe here. SAT now stands for slam dunk another time.

A bucket of 12 .30.

Really? That's 20 points higher than the first time. 22.

I am so proud of you, Terry. I knew you could do it.

Thanks. Come on, let's go tell everybody.

Better idea. Why don't we tell Ken? That way he won't miss anybody.

Hi, Daddy. Bye, Daddy.

So, Frank, what'd they say?

Well, Dee, I don't quite know how to say this.

nothing was wrong with me.

Then what's wrong with us?

Why aren't we pregnant yet?

Dee, there's nothing wrong with us. Now, I talked to the doctor. He said we're

just worrying too much about having this baby.

Well, who wouldn't worry? Frank, we've been trying for five months.

Do you remember when we were on our honeymoon?

Yeah.

Locked up in our room for four days straight.

So what you're saying is all we have to do is start acting like honeymooners

again. Exactly.

Or as a very wise man once said, Hakuna Matata, baby.

feel good about convincing Terry to take his SAT over.

Next fall, he'll be a freshman at Temple University.

I also feel good about discovering you can make $500 ,000 a year playing ball

Italy, especially since I heard they were starting a women's league soon.

So Terry agreed to teach me a jump shot, just so I have a little something to

fall back on in case my writing career doesn't pan out.