Original subtitles

Thank you.

I can be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

I can be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Turn around and dip and roll the shoulder and use your arms.

Hands wide.

Hands wide, honey.

Yes? No.

Turn that bloody thing off. Come on.

No, no, take them out one at a time.

Isn't it? What am I going to do with it? Max?

Hello, Mr. Daly.

B .A .T., please.

Aye.

I've got a couldn't tonic. Oh.

Hey, uh, what's all that about?

Leonard. Best of the business.

Any new girls, we get Leonard Chazamout's done.

He used to be on television.

Did he?

He'd certainly fool them on What's My Line, wouldn't he?

What is that?

New deco.

Smart, isn't it?

That'll be two pounds, please, Mr. Daly.

Two quid?

No wonder you're having the place done up.

When Mr. Simmons is here, I don't usually pay for drinks. Hello.

If you're paying, I'll have one of these, please.

That'll be three pounds, please, Mr. Daly.

You just here for the dress rehearsal?

You're going to stay and watch the real thing, eh? I'm here on purely

philanthropic grounds.

Well, then who?

I am here on your behalf. I've come to see that you've settled in all right.

I want to watch this unnatural behaviour.

With inflated prices.

You are here to check that I turned up or not.

So you can get your whack off of Simmons.

Listen, what about the other geezer?

Lee.

What? The other geezer. Simmons' regular bouncer. What's happening to him? He'll

be up and about in a couple of weeks.

Yeah, you're all right here till then.

Up and about?

You told me last night he'd been nicked.

Oh, well, no, no, not really nicked. More sort of gashed.

Gashed?

That's from Downing.

Friendy!

Well,

well, well, Arthur.

What's a crooked sod like you doing in a nice place like this?

Oh, just ironing out some staff problems for them, Frank. Bit of business, you

know. What are you up to here?

I haven't seen you since they put you up for that passport fiddle. What was it,

putting your moustaches on bank robbers, wasn't it? Yeah, they got me for that.

I've gone back to painting since I came out. Well, I never... Terry!

Terry, I want you to meet a friend of mine. Frank Downing, Terry McCann. Terry

works for me.

Yeah, that's all right. We met earlier.

Terry's a minder. I rent him out, you know. Very useful, young Terry. I've

that. You see?

Top man in your field.

World's most expensive lager in your hand. Endless display of bint under your

nose. Not exactly blood, sweat and tears, is it?

No, no, I'll manage, yeah. But I want to speak some money for it at the end of

the night. Yeah, of course you do. I'll pop in later with some reddies. You can

buy me a drink.

Won't let me forget that, will you?

I'll tell you what.

Couldn't paint a moustache on him, could you? Maybe he'd leave the country.

Is that a full -time game, Frank?

Painting tarts on walls?

That's just for drinking money. I'm doing some of the real stuff these days.

Oh, well, I might be able to help you there. A friend of mine wants his squash

cork re -emulsion.

If you'd like to name your price, I'll have a word with him.

Not hours painting, Arthur.

Pictures.

Paintings. You know, you hang them on the wall and look and look at them.

Oh, paintings.

Like Rembrandt and all that lot. The old Velvet App Brigade.

You got it, Arthur.

Well, I never. How very tranquil.

There can't be a living, can it, Frankie?

I mean, you have to be dead before you make any real money at that game.

Well, the ones I do, they usually are.

If you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Genuine forgeries?

Let's say in the style of.

Forgery's not a word they use a lot.

Um, Frankie, would there be any room for an entrepreneur in this business? You

know, someone with a bit of capital behind him? Not short of a few quid?

You serious?

Of course I'm serious, Frank. We're talking about money.

Very serious stuff.

All right, Arthur.

What are you doing right now?

Is it art for pleasure or art for pain?

I've never really thought about it, Mark. I don't really know.

Young girls in Victorian underwear.

There's not much I can tell you.

I'm not bringing any more of Minico back to my place. Oh, God, Meg, keep your

voice down.

I thought you were working in Los Angeles. No, that's half me. He's a man,

like him. He's the one who does all those men's bottoms.

It's all sexual if you want to look at it that way. What he's asking you to

decide is whether or not you can come to terms with your own sexuality or not.

Five quid for a programme?

God, I've got to be into a profit before one of these even comes off the wall.

It's all a con, Arthur.

Look around you.

Don't matter whether a pitch is genuine or not. They're all hyping each other on

it. Art game's like any other business.

It's all down to acquisition, investment and pure greed.

They want to be conned. They con each other and they con themselves.

Well, business is business, Frankie. I mean, that is what makes the world go

round. That's the beauty of it.

They make their own rules in this game.

Come on, let's take a wander. I'll tell you about it.

The point about art dealing is that it's all down to what they call.

Oh, yeah. That is, proving whether a picture's authentic or not.

And the dealers call their own tune on that.

It's their opinion that the punter goes on.

If they want a picture, they want to be convinced.

Yeah, well, it's the same with motors, isn't it? Of course it is.

In this game, it's a lot easier, because it's all down to signature.

If you don't sign it, it's not fraud.

Um, Frank?

What sort of money are we talking about?

Depends on the painter.

Anything from £500 to £500 ,000. If it's a good oil.

A name they're looking for.

Talking about one of my genuines.

One I could put a signature to.

Five or six grand.

Five or six grand, eh?

Tell me more, Frank.

No, it's going on the phone. Well, that's all right.

It's £28, but we'll tell him that before he opens it.

She's not bad for a beginner, is she?

I'd say she's shaving up rather well.

She starts looking bald with it. They all do.

Not that this lot here had noticed.

Well, still takes her mind off the economic recession, doesn't it?

It's like they come down here and jump under a tube.

Yeah, Arthur's right.

I mean, that's what it's all about, isn't it?

Job satisfaction.

Yeah.

I wonder how long it would take them to get bored.

5 ,000.

5 ,200.

5 ,500.

5 ,800.

And 6.

6 ,200.

6 ,500.

At £6 ,500 now, in advance on £6 ,500.

Wouldn't do it to get a nervous tick out of turn, would it? Might have to rush

out and flog the motor to pay for it.

Doesn't work like that, Arthur.

You've got to prove you're reserved before you're allowed to bid.

And that geezer up there's tuned in to what's going on like a laser beam.

Otherwise you could have a couple of hoorays in there, pumping up the price

you.

At £4 ,800 now, in advance on £4 ,800.

Lot 27, 19th century hunting scene, unknown artist, possibly by J .F.

Bid me 2 ,005 for this.

2 ,005 I'm bid.

2 ,800 and 3 ,000. 3 ,002, 3 ,500.

Who are they all, Frankie?

I mean, they don't look like you're coming to guard Mark, love, do they? Not

exactly lawyer and glasses.

Dealers. From all over the place. Paris, New York.

And agents for private buyers.

They don't like a lot of publicity in this game. So nobody knows who's buying

what for who.

Or why, when you look at half of it.

I can tell you one of them is right now.

Who's that?

Bull -headed geezer. Gold rim specs.

Second round.

His name's Rory Quinn.

Got a license to print money down in Fulham.

He's a boogie.

I think I'll have to get down to some serious researching on this game,

Well, if Quinn's got his nose in a trough, he's got to be favoring it.

Box 27, 6 ,500, Mr. R.

Wynn.

Good stuff, is it, Mr. Daly?

Turn the lights up, Max, will you?

A man could go blind in here.

Arthur.

Oi.

No, no, this is a strip club, not a library.

Get replaced with bad name doing things like that in here.

What's the matter? Can't I have a quiet read? Am I obliged by the staff to sit

and contemplate her navel?

I would, no.

Give us a lager, Max.

Come on, then, I'll give up. What is it?

Arthur. Terry, Terry, it cost me seven and a half quid.

All official outs review.

Art review? What's all that about?

This, my son, is the official form book of the art trade. I do not intend to

start laying the odds without a little bit of research behind me. Arthur,

do not bet on paintings.

Not in this country, anyway.

Hold on, you're onto a fiddle, aren't you? You're pulling a stroke, aren't

For your information, I'm about to make a foray into the art world.

Something a little more aesthetic than used cars and Japanese watches.

Are you saying you're setting yourself up as an art dealer?

I don't believe it.

You don't know anything about art.

It's all in here, isn't it?

Names, dates, stables, starting prices.

Yeah, listen, listen to this. Look.

Atkinson Grimshaw. Whitby by night.

Signed 1883 on canvas.

19 and three quarters by 29 and three quarters.

Auction by woods.

How much?

How do you know what I know?

Seven grand.

And that is only Atkinson Grimshaw.

Who's he?

I don't know. That's not the point, is it?

The point is that one of his murky moonlit numbers is currently valued at

grand. If I could pick one out for a tenner in a junk shop, I'd be well in,

wouldn't I?

So that's your new career, is it?

Looking for undiscovered Atkins and Brimshaws.

Well, listen, good luck, mate.

I hope it all works out. And if you ever find any, give us a shout, I'll help

you carry them all home.

It's funny you should say that, Terry, because I was not going to impose on

free time, but there is a little favour in that direction you could do for me.

Favour? What favour? What do you mean, favour?

It's ten o 'clock, Frank.

I brought you some coffee.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

All right, all right.

Listen, Frank, you've got to go this week.

I mean, I know you've been good to me, but I think I've returned the favor. You

can't talk here forever, for God's sake.

I know, I know.

I'm working on it. I know what you're working on. Fortune.

Not fortune, Miss Monica.

Works of art.

Paintings in the manner of.

But not fortune. It doesn't matter what you're working on. If Kevin comes back

and finds you here, he'll go mad.

Why should he?

All I've done is borrow some paints and a few books.

I haven't strayed from the couch, have I? It wouldn't make any difference.

You're here and I'm here. That's all he needs. I've told him about you. I've

told him it's finished.

It wouldn't exactly look like it if he came back and found you living here,

would it?

Good while he lasted, though, wasn't it?

You don't give up, do you?

That was three years ago, Frank, and I'm not looking for father figures anymore.

Why did you let me stay this time?

I didn't exactly twist your arm, did I?

I know.

I must be silly, mustn't I? But not that silly. And you've got to go as quick as

you can. Please, Frank, don't make any trouble for me.

Bonjour, tout le monde.

Ici France Inter.

Bonjour, tout le monde. You too.

I was looking for Frank Downing. I was told he lives here.

Sort of.

What do you want him for?

Well, a friend of mine's bought a painting and I've come to collect it.

If he sort of lives here, is he sort of in or sort of out?

It's all right. I've come to collect a painting. No, it's National Insurance

contributions.

He's working. You'd better come in.

Frank, there's someone here for you.

Who is it?

What does he want?

It's me, Terry.

I've come to get Arthur's picture.

Oh, yeah.

Hang about.

Be with you in a minute.

It's good, isn't it?

Bit dated, though.

It will be when I get the geriatric code on it.

The what?

Did, er... Did Arthur say anything to you?

No, he just said, come and collect a picture.

Didn't mention any geriatrics?

No.

No, he wouldn't.

Here you go.

Tell him I'll be in touch in a couple of days.

No, sorry, yeah. Well, I'll see you then. Cheers.

Yeah, it's nice, that, isn't it?

You can't see what all the fuss was about.

Yeah, go treat with all the other stuff you got here. What do you mean, stuff?

What do you know, anyway?

Only canvas you ever studied was covered in blood and boxing boots.

Ah, it's a very fine piece.

Reflective.

Mellow.

Fake.

What do you mean, fake?

Does that look like a fake to you?

Well, no, no.

That don't.

You do.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, come on.

You're no more an art collector than I am.

Oh, no?

What do you think all this stuff is?

You're surrounded by very tasteful artefacts.

This will blend in very nicely.

I thought I was there, weren't I?

That little set -up he's got, he can knock them out like ice lollies.

What did Frank say?

I didn't say anything, but I've got eyes and a brain, haven't I?

All right, all right, all right.

Do you know what a geriatric coat is?

Do what?

You should do. You're old in one.

Yeah, you see, it's the finish they put on to make them look old.

Geriatric, get it? You should know about that, shouldn't you?

You see, it's varnish, bit of dust out the uva, under the sun lamp for a couple

of hours, and hey, presto, one old Victorian masterpiece, brand new.

What you been doing, watching open -blooded universities?

O -level art forgery.

Well, I'll be careful, but that's how Jesse James got shot.

He was a bandit and all, wasn't he?

Up a bit.

Left a bit.

It's a shame.

What is?

You're a skilled artist, Frank. It's a shame you don't do something of your own

instead of forging other people's work.

Yeah.

By painting murals in strip clubs.

You don't have to do that, either.

You could start by putting as much confidence into something of your own as

do into copying.

Or maybe you've got nothing of your own to say. Is that it, Frank?

Now, listen. This whole game's a rip -off. You know that as well as I do.

Nothing's new, Monica.

You just can't go any further.

And all I'm doing is proving what a rip -off it really is.

It's all just a joke.

Frank Downing strikes back.

Okay?

Hi. Hello again.

I do hope this isn't just a coincidence.

Oh, not really. I had to come down this way.

Frank told me where he'd met you.

That's the aftershave, isn't it?

Oda Street Club. Oh, that's a killer.

Listen, I tell you what, I haven't had any breakfast yet, let alone lunch, so I

feel like joining me in a bit of egg on toast, bacon, berries.

I picked up with him when I came to college in London.

I don't know, there seemed to be something glamorous and exciting about

then. It's not like that now.

So why are you still putting up with him? Well, it's your gap, isn't it?

I share it with the guy I've been with for a while.

Well, he's away, and when I ran to Frank in the Portobello, he was a long way

down. He took him out of jail.

He was very good to me once. I really did love him.

I felt very safe with the artful Dodger.

Do you like some bacon? Oh, I like it a lot.

It doesn't matter what you do for a crust, does it?

I mean, love and that, it's...

But why am I getting all this?

Or is it just my animal magnetism?

You know what Frank's doing, so you must be in on it somehow.

Hold on, hold on.

I'm not a crook, if that's what you're trying to tell me.

But Frank told me you work for a man called Arthur. He said Arthur was the

craftiest villain in London, so I thought you must be one of the... A man

Arthur. Oh, dear, oh, dear. You writing his autobiography next?

I'll tell you what.

Frank can do the illustration, can't he?

Now, look.

I've got no connection with Frank at all.

I mean, I'd hardly go and tell him to fold up his easel as far as you're

concerned, can I?

No, I work for Arthur. Well, I work with Arthur, really.

Throw a bit of muscle about, I drive a car. I'm a minder, and that's as far as

it goes.

Well, half the time, anyway.

What do you mean?

Well, Frank was wrong about me.

But he wasn't totally wrong about Arthur.

Interesting, isn't it?

Of course, Delaunay is generally regarded as the inventor of Orphic

I wouldn't say this was Orphic in the strictest sense of the term, but it does

have that fusion with Fauvism that anticipates the pure abstract painters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You into business, then?

Oh, yes, indeed. I picked that up at an auction in Paris last month.

A little out of the mainstream these days, but I like it.

Just the same concern with the emotional effect of colour as, well, any of the

Impressionists.

Don't you think so?

Oh, no, no, I'm no judge. No, no, that's why I've come to see you.

Really?

Well, if you could tell me what it is you're looking for, I'd be glad to

you. Oh, no, no, no, I'm not buying.

No, what I require is a professional evaluation of a recent acquisition of

I take it you mean a painting?

A painting, yeah.

But more representational, you know, not like all these things you've got here,

you know.

More horses, cows, chickens.

Real painting, you know.

Real painting?

I see. Well, now, is it contemporary work? No, it's not contemporary.

not contemporary.

I mean, it's been in a family for years.

I only came by it after a recent bereavement. God rest her soul.

It was coloured in dust when I got it.

I mean, she was out of the ark herself, so it can't be, can it?

An heirloom, eh?

Well, these things can sometimes be of value.

Mr... Daly.

Arthur Daly.

I'm in the entrepreneurial line myself. You know, property, automobiles,

manpower services, that sort of thing. Nothing as specialised as your game,

which is why I've come to... Yes, of course. Well,

perhaps if you could show me the painting itself, Mr Daly, I might be

express an opinion for you. No problem.

No problem at all.

I see you've got a problem, and I'd like to help you.

The only trouble is, it's the old eternal triangle, isn't it?

I mean, if I had a word with Frank, it would just make things stickier.

Well, what about Arthur? Maybe if I said something to him... Arthur?

No, he's not too receptive to things like that. Not unless there's a few bob

it for him.

No, whatever he and Frank are up to, they're up to it together, aren't they?

Your best bet is just be straight with your geezer. Honestly, it's the best

policy in all that.

Unless you've got something to lie about, and you haven't, have you? No,

pleasure, right?

It's just I've got myself into a silly situation, that's all.

Well, thanks for talking to me. I hope you didn't mind.

Pleasure. Mind how you go.

Oh, listen.

It'll work out. It always does.

There you go.

Thank you. Oh, please, don't mention it.

It's a pleasure to have an aficionado like yourself in the house, Squire.

You see, the trouble with my game is it's full of, um... How can I put it?

Riff -raff. You know what I mean?

I mean, there are times, there really are times, when I cry out for a bit of

equal company.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

So, what do you think, then?

Interesting.

Very interesting.

That's a early Victorian. Ah, there, that's just what I said.

Handed down over the years.

and then bunged up in the attic with a rocking horse and forgotten all about.

I think I'd go so far as to say you had a Herring here, you know.

Eh?

The artist, Mr Daly.

John Herring.

Either him or his son.

They were both painters.

Pity it's not clearly signed, but no matter.

They painted in the same style, and they're both sought after in the

market. Herring Senior actually did some work for the old biddy herself at one

time.

Oh, the Americans love him.

Well, I never.

A herring, eh? A genuine herring. Funny names they seem to have, don't they?

Yes. Well, look.

You've got initialing here, do you see?

G -B -H?

J -F -H, actually.

John Frederick.

Still doesn't help that it's a father or son.

Same style, same name. It's a guide to authentication, though.

It is.

So what, do you think it would be worth a couple of shillings, eh? Five or six

hundred, possibly.

Well, I never... You might get a little more at an auction, of course, but

that's an uncertain business without full authentication.

If you are thinking of a sale, I'm sure my gallery would be prepared to make you

an offer.

I hadn't really thought about it.

I mean, I suppose it would help to pay for a funeral.

You have five or six hundred, you did say?

I think we could offer you something in that region.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, what would it be in a family heirloom and all?

Well, if you like to think about it, give me a call. No, no, no, hang on,

on.

Will you have another drink?

Terry? Lager?

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, I'll tell you what.

I'll have a brandy, please.

Why not?

Large brandy.

No, stick a bit of ice in it.

I'll put it in an egg cup if you really want to impress him.

There you go, then.

One large vodka.

One small brandy.

Large ice cube.

I don't know why I patronise this place. The innuendo I have to put up with.

Me neither.

Must be my charisma.

You certainly ain't your prices.

There you are, Terence, my son.

Genuine Napoleon brandy.

Matured in the cast.

I bet Josephine didn't have to freeze it to death to make it look like a big

one. What you so touchy for? I bought you a drink.

A drink? Yeah.

Nah, it's that little heartless bird. She'll call me at work.

Your friend Frank's sleeping on her sofa, right?

Well, her boyfriend's coming home. She doesn't want Frank there when he

Listen, Terry.

Don't start getting involved with soppy birds' emotional traumas. Frank and me

have just made our debut in the fine art world.

A reputable gallery has just paid us for that little painting you were slagging

off. Cheers.

That's fraud, is it?

No, it is not. It is a fine point of authentication, as we say in the trade.

But you wouldn't know nothing about that.

Oh, an art expert now, are we?

What's next, live on stage at Sotheby's?

You can sit there in idleness and mock, my son.

I've got business to attend to.

Ars Longa, Rita Brevis. You remember that, Terence.

Jerry, Peter, listen.

Something rather interesting has just come up.

Well, I bought a painting from some jack -the -lat figure who came in off the

street. A fake, but the quality is extraordinary.

I'd be very curious as to where it came from. I mean...

I've got an artist working for him. I'd like to meet him.

We could move the duck by the crate full across the water.

Yes. Name's Daly. Arthur Daly.

Here you go, then.

Went up all right, then?

Like a charm.

And this is only the beginning, Frankie. With your talent and my selling power,

we could go into business.

Not that sort of game, Arthur.

I'm not that sort of bloke, either.

What's that supposed to mean? You're a forger, so keep forging.

No, thanks.

You get me a couple of grand for the big one.

And I'm off somewhere warm and sunny for a bit.

Look, you do a dozen of them racehorse numbers, you can retire at the Torquay.

That's warm and sunny.

I told you, Arthur, it's not that sort of game.

You do a couple, slip them onto the market, then leave it. Change your

I've got to get out anyway.

I'm tired of dotting around in this town.

Oh, dear. That young bint of yours, is it?

Not mine, Arthur. Not any more anyway.

Hergesa's coming back any time now, so I've got to get out.

Sooner you've blocked this one, sooner I'm off.

Where are you going to go?

I don't know.

Morocco, maybe?

I could live like a Lord's bastard down there on a couple of grand. Morocco?

That's full of Arabs, isn't it? Standing around in their night shirts, getting

dysentery. Why don't you hang about here and earn a few quid with me?

Don't worry about me, Arthur.

Look, you want to get Quinn to go for that painting, that's fine.

Otherwise, I'll knock it out in Brighton. No, don't talk like that. I'm

him today, aren't I?

Makes you so sure he's going to want it? I've checked up on him. He is mad about

pictures of Gigi's. He's got them everywhere.

He'll love it.

You ever been to Morocco, Arthur?

No. What? With my stomach?

Wow, it's a joke, Frank.

Rory, I'm back.

Who was it? Tell him Arthur's here, will you? Mr. Daly for you, son.

Yeah?

Rory? An old boy called Arthur to see you.

There we are.

There we are, swine. Good luck.

See you next year.

Rory, my old son.

How are you? Still printing money, I see. Yeah, I can't grumble, Arthur.

Added a couple of shots to the chain since I saw you last.

How's yourself?

Oh, not bad, not bad.

Can we talk?

Give us a moment, would you, Joe? Sit down, Arthur.

What's on your mind?

Well, the thing is, Rory, I've been branching out a bit lately.

You know, wider spectrum of business interests.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yours was a bit of a dabbler, Arthur.

What's it this time? Second -hand light bulbs?

No, no, no, nothing like that, Rory.

No, strictly upmarket this time.

It's what you might call an investment in the aesthetic realm.

Works of art.

And when this particular piece came up, you sprang to mind immediately.

Did I now?

Why was that?

Well, a bit delicate, Rory, a bit delicate. I mean, normally I would have

utilised my affiliation with a gallery that I've been dealing with, but...

This one is not for the open market, if you get my drift.

More for your private collector, you know, someone like yourself.

You mean it's nicked?

Well, not to put too fine a point on it, yeah.

What is it?

That is the beauty of it, Rory.

Right up your street.

Winner of the 1821 St Ledger. It is a masterpiece. It makes you want to reach

out and give it a sugar lump.

You're telling me you've got a John Herring?

There you are.

One connoisseur to another.

How did you guess?

I guessed it ain't in it, Arthur. He painted 33 St Ledger winners. I got two

them meself.

Oh, Rory, I don't know what to say.

I mean, you only need one and you've got the treble up.

I mean, for your eyes only, but that is the whole frisson of collecting, isn't

it? You only need 30 and you've got the complete set.

Where did you get this little item from, Arthur?

The paintings don't fall off the back of lotties.

No, no, no, no, no. As I understand it, it was a furniture removals van.

You know, one of them firms that pops in while you're in Barbados.

Oh, no, come back on it. Stand on me.

and they are anxious to make a sale.

All you have to do is give it a nod.

What do you say?

All right.

Bring it round.

If it's what you say it is, we'll talk money.

My pleasure, Rory. My pleasure. All right this evening?

Hello?

Kevin! Hello, darling.

Where are you?

Will you be home today?

Yes, of course I will.

Over here is

Foods Corner, darling, please.

If you'd like to pander to the needs of a far from penniless artist, look after

my young friends here.

Larger, bitter.

So, when Mary got back, she asked me if I'd go along next time as Chris' friend.

And I said, you must be joking, like great black Americans.

She said he's not that fat and he is in oil.

I said he'd have to be, wouldn't he, to get into his clothes?

And large ones, please, darling.

Make a much of it. It might be the last time.

Terry?

Yeah?

Oh, sorry, sorry. What were you saying?

Who's the big spender, then?

Oh, he's the... He's an artist.

A friend of Arthur's.

Is he famous?

Not for his own work, no.

Look! Don't worry about it.

Now, what were you talking about?

I can't remember now.

I suppose conversation's not your greatest effort, is it?

Thanks very much.

No, no, well, I'm no great talking myself when you get down to it.

No wicked for the peaceful, is there?

All right.

Don't go away.

All right, all right.

Come on, Ben. I might have known it was you. What do you want? What do you want?

Is that any way to address your guide and mentor terms?

Hey, hey, I didn't get you out of the bath, did I?

No, not out of the bath. Listen, I'm a bit busy. If that happens, though, do

want to come back later? Well, no, I'm here now, aren't I?

What do you mean, busy?

Well, it's, er... What are you doing? I'm terribly busy at work.

Oh, hello.

Sorry.

At this hour?

And in daylight?

Have you got no sense of propriety?

They haven't put licensing hours on it yet, have they?

Anyway, we'll sit with you.

Well, if this is how the underemployed spend their time, I'm not surprised it's

all going down the drain.

I shouldn't think you've got the strength to do an honest day's work,

You'd know about an honest day's work, wouldn't you?

I've seen her before, haven't I?

Most of her, yeah.

She works down the club.

Anyway, I've got a job for you.

If you can tear yourself away from your rampant sex life to worry about little

things like paying the rent.

Yeah, all right. What is it, then?

I suppose it's not getting your mate Picasso off the floor from the dolphin,

it? No. Eh?

What, Frank?

What about him?

I saw him the other afternoon.

Well squandered.

Oh, that is lovely, isn't it? That's all I need for a workforce.

A stripper's gigolo and a drunk and superannuated beatnik.

Where is he now?

I'm not his minder. Why should I care? Because I have set up a deal with Rory

Quinn. We've got to take Frank's picture round the Quinn's Gap this evening.

Oh, have we? Yeah.

So that's the job, is it?

They've been your net from Quinn while you ditch him up?

Nah, don't leave me out.

I think I'll go back to bed. No, no, no, no, it's not my letter. It's just a

question of delivery and collection.

Deliver the picture, collect the cash.

You heard what she said. She's got to go back to work.

I mean, look, look.

What is five minutes unbridled lust against 20 notes in your pocket? Be

sensible.

All right, I'll be sensible. Good boy. 50.

Do what?

For riding around for a couple of hours in my car? Don't be silly.

No, no. All right, all right, all right, all right. 50, 50, 50.

25 up front.

Oh, God.

You'll pauperise me.

I doubt that very much, Arthur.

Thank you.

Well, better get some gear on, then.

Please do.

Oh, er... It's going to take a few minutes, like, so, er...

Well, you might as well wait in the car. No, no, no, I'm fine here, I'm fine.

No, you'd be better off in the car. No, I'm all right, I'll have a cigar.

No, I hate you smoking in the flat. No, I'll make a cup of coffee. Here, have a

lot. No, I don't like a lot of that. Do you want a drink? No, no, no, Terry.

Do you hear my bill?

I want to sleep now. Come on, have a drink.

Raps in the money again. Yeah, I can see that.

Don't stop that. Now, listen.

I've been thinking.

I've got a real wedge coming today.

This is nothing.

Why don't we just take off somewhere?

Just you and me.

We did it before.

Listen to me, Frank, will you?

You've got to go now.

Kevin's just phoned. He could be back any time.

I don't care about Kevin. I don't care about Kevin.

I'm talking about us.

We can go to Spain, Morocco, Turkey.

Get it into your brain, will you, Frank? It is finished.

I was stupid to let you come here in the first place. Now, for God's sake, just

get your things and go.

Listen, I've just had an offer for that painting.

Guess how much. I don't care.

I don't know and I don't care.

You've got money, you've got friends, so just leave me alone.

want you. I don't even like you anymore. Can't you see that, you stupid, selfish

old man?

Yeah, I suppose I can.

Just don't want to, do I?

Please, Frank, just go.

You're sulking, aren't you?

Because of that bird, eh?

Tell you what, I reckon you're jealous.

Don't talk ridiculous.

Just bear in mind I am not your tarts taxi service, eh?

She had to get to work, didn't she?

And you wanted me on the job, didn't you?

Or off it, depending how you look at it.

Hello, darling.

Don't worry.

I'm on my way out.

It's all right, Kevin.

Frank's just been staying here for a few days.

Oh, really?

For old times' sake, I suppose.

Look, I just told you, don't worry about it. I've just been doing a bit of work,

that's all. And now I'm leaving.

Yeah, so I see.

What's that?

Have I come back here ten minutes too early, or is there a queue round here

supposed to join?

Look, take it easy. Piss off, Grandad, you've had your turn.

No, Frank!

Stop it!

For God's sake, stop them! Stop them!

I've had a feeling something like this will happen. I don't know what to say to

myself.

All right, lads, come on.

Oh, wait, wait, come on.

Do something, whoever you are!

Right.

Don't worry, love, I'm in the train. My boy will look after you.

Watch it, watch it.

Just get this out of the way. Back soon.

Oi, oi, turn it in, will you?

For God's sake, Kevin, you're so silly!

It makes four of us, doesn't it?

Just get him out of here, will you?

Get...

Well, Mr. Downing, another of Grandma's dusty heirlooms. Eh?

What's this? What are you doing here? Much the same as you, except that Mr.

Downing has accepted my offer for his work rather than yours.

Do what?

He's really very good, you know.

I've already covered my investment on the last one, and this one sounds even

better. Get off me!

Get off me! Terry, I'm being robbed!

Ah, Mr. Downing.

Here, you get in the car.

You're enough trouble as it is.

All right, come on, what's all this about, then?

I have an arrangement with Mr Downing over that picture.

No, I think you'll find it's first come, first served. You see, Mr Downing had a

prior arrangement with us. Let's not make it unpleasant, shall we? No, no,

quite right. Let's not make it unpleasant, eh?

It weren't too unpleasant, was it?

Jerry! You are pathetic, if you know that.

I'm mortified, Frankie. I truly am.

Going behind my back like that. It wasn't like that, Arthur.

He'd done some checking on you.

Then he came up to me in the pub and I told him he could have a look at it.

some checking?

What about the law?

No chance, Arthur.

He's as crooked as you are.

That's a relief, isn't it?

At least you're all bent in this business.

How about Quinn, Arthur? Is he game?

No trouble.

We'll drop you off at Terry's place, then we'll go on round and do the

Excuse me, do I have a say in this? I do live there, you know. Oh, goodness

sake, Terry, be a little charitable.

You've just given a man a mild pounding.

Least you can do is offer him somewhere to recover his wits.

Now, don't start yapping and spoil everything with your lack of expertise

this subject, will you?

What do you mean, don't tell him it's a forgery?

There you are, you see, you've started already.

Have I said anything about a forgery?

And don't forget who is paying you 50 quid for this little doddle.

Not a bad day's work, is it?

Careful, careful.

Oi,

oi. What date was this supposed to be painted?

Never mind about a date. Just bring it in.

Arthur, I think you'd better have a look at this. Look, you worry about the fly

-by -night strippers, I worry about the picture business.

Shut up.

All right.

There you are.

I mean, it looks so at home, doesn't it? I mean, that could have been painted

for you, Rory.

Of course it's not. It's not Orphic in the strict sense of the term, but, I

mean, it's got a confusion of energetic emotions, and it predates it from the

other lot.

That was half the reason I thought of you when I first saw it.

Rory will appreciate the tonal qualities of this work, I said to myself.

And that was without being aware of your fondness for the equine subject matter.

That's why he's so sought after in America.

They cannot get enough of him over there.

They're very fond of horses over there, aren't they? You know, the Wild West,

all that sort of stuff.

Bandit country, isn't it?

No, I like it. I like it very much.

Well, at five, that's got to be a bargain, Rory.

I mean, Christie's knocked one out about 12 months ago for five aid. Well, you

reckon with what?

Inflation and all that?

You're looking at eight grand's worth of light and shade hanging on the wall.

All right, Arthur.

Done.

Just hang on here a minute. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course, of course.

I don't suppose... No, no, no, no, just don't say a word.

Just look at the picture.

What are you talking about, lucky?

What you witnessed last night was the art of the entrepreneur in full bloom.

I mean, Frank's got his two grand to go and play Lawrence of Arabia.

Quinn's drooling over a new Gigi on his wall.

And I made more money than you'll see in six months.

No, luck had nothing to do with it, my son.

Consummate skill, that's what it was.

Oh, I'm glad you brought up my financial status, because you owe me 25.

All right, all right, all right.

I'm not going to leave the country, am I?

Well, Frank has, hasn't he?

And you might well when Quinn discovers a deliberate mistake in his 150 -year

-old masterpiece.

Mistake?

What deliberate mistake?

Don't keep on. It's done, innit? Yeah, but why didn't you say something?

Instead of just standing there, you let me walk right into it.

Couldn't could I? You kept telling me to keep quiet. That is beside the point.

You're supposed to be looking after my interests.

I mean, what am I going to do?

You'll tear me to bits when he finds out.

You'll just have to give him the money back, won't you? Eh?

You'll tell him it was an artistic oversight on your part.

Yeah, you'll tell him that. Oh, my God.

You hold him off, tell him I'll go out this way. Oh, don't think so, Arthur.

You tell him.

Rory, how about that?

Just on my way up to see you. Wasn't I, Terry?

Yes, you were, Arthur.

We can leave you out of this, McCann. It's up to you.

No, I don't think so.

Looks a bit one -sided to me.

We've both been victimised, Rory.

I swear to you, I'm as innocent as you are.

The trouble is, the guilty party's already flown.

Where's my money, Arthur?

I haven't got it.

That's what I'm saying, isn't it?

Terry!

Terry!

Give him the money! Do what?

Just give him the money now!

All right, that's enough.

You might find that's a bit light, Rory.

But Arthur will split the difference with you.

Won't you, Arthur?

Oh, yeah, it's only fair, isn't it?

Very fair -minded, my Terry.

See, the other fella is abroad at the moment, so you're both going to have to

put it down to artistic licence, aren't you?

I mean, it's not a bad picture.

No, no.

Even with the Timex.

Yeah, all right, I'll buy that.

You're a useful fellow, McCann.

Any time you feel you're wasted on that tow rope, just let us know, eh?

I might just do that.

Hard open, gentlemen.

You wouldn't, would you?

Terry, we're partners.

We're a team.

I mean, think of all I've done for you.

Flat, car, regular employment, no worries.

Shoulder to lean on when you want it. I mean, think about it. Do you know what I

think? What?

I think you're like the Mona Lisa.

Eh?

Bleeding proudly.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

You keep me near.

I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.

I'm going to help you. Love you like you want me to.

I do.

Be so good for you.

I'll do it.