Original subtitles

Thank you.

I can be so good for you.

No,

no, the thing is, Terry, what's that thing flashing across the top there?

You're supposed to eat it. Go on, go on. Fire, fire.

For God's sake.

Look, look.

You move right with that one, you move left with that one. I know, I know.

It's gone now.

Why did you put this in, Harry? What ever happened to darts?

You shoot me a dartboard that devours money like that terrible thing, I'd be

happy to hang it on the wall.

You're no good at darts either. That is not the point.

Dad, look, this is not firing every time I press it.

No, what I was saying, Terry, was I need to clear your flat for a couple of

hours or so.

What for?

Refurbishing. Re -what? Ah, it's programmed, isn't it? You can't beat

mean, where's the skill in that?

No, I've got a temper here. You fancy a game of doubles?

What, with him? You're joking.

Come on, better game is doubles.

Well, I tell you what, I had a little bit of interest.

What I do down my boozer.

A little bit on the side.

Say a fiver?

Fiver? Yeah, as usual.

Why not, Terry, eh? I was just getting the hang of it, wasn't I?

Well... Yeah, all right, yeah, all right.

Put our money up, son. You'll make one of that first?

Yeah, yeah. We'll set them a target to get, shall we?

Yeah.

Yeah, hold that.

That's it. Go on, go on. Go for the hundred.

It won't run off, is it?

No, it's not.

Leo? No, it's not.

No, about the key.

No, mate.

No, no, we had an agreement about that.

What?

The last time we had the key to my gap, you were stumbling in every time you got

half cut. Once, Terry. I did that once. Be fair. Yeah, and you certainly chose

your moment, didn't you?

Yeah, nice girl, as I recall. Yeah. Nice shoulders.

I do like a girl with nice shoulders.

Anyway, look, it was an emergency.

Emergency? You kept us up till five in the morning, picking the team for the

next World Cup.

And that was just a midfield. Look, I only need it for a couple of hours.

but what for?

I want to see what sort of nick it's in, see if it needs painting.

Painting? Look, I have two grand invested in that flat in key money,

I mean, I have a right to protect my investment, have I not?

Have I not?

Yeah, I suppose so.

What time is it?

Two o 'clock.

Well, I want that back in the Winchester at four.

I want to get some kit this afternoon.

Got a late one tonight.

You going up west?

Yeah, I'm picking Helen up from Elsa's.

Elsa? Is that the one that works at Safeways?

Elsa's is a nightclub, you prune.

Hey, that Helen, she's got a friend. It's about time we went out on the town

again. Well, the truth is she disapproves of you.

Thinks you're a bad influence.

Oh, I hope you put her right.

Just don't forget that key. That is what is known as loyalty.

I suppose you'd know anything about that, though.

The wing, Dad! Off the wing!

No, never mind about that!

Come on!

Thank you, Sergeant.

Lovely to see you here again, Mr. Bellis.

Can I help you, sir?

Yeah, I'm looking for Helen. She's just started working here behind the bar.

Yes, of course.

Helen.

Well, I think you'll find it much more convenient if you use the rear entrance.

Right and right again.

A member of staff will tell you you're here, sir.

Cheers.

Is Bernie there?

Well, when he makes an appearance, kindly remind him he's supposed to be on

door with me.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Helen. You can get through to the bar, I'm bad.

Don't leave me to cry.

Don't leave me outside.

I want a wine menu.

Good.

Terry?

Oh, I can't get away just at the moment. Brandy, gorgeous.

Large one.

Staff aren't supposed to drink at the bar, Bernie.

Medicinal purposes?

Oh, hang on, Terry. I'll be with you in a minute.

Anyway, Mr. Young's been looking for you.

How are you?

Oh, lovely.

Terry, there's been a slight hit. Sandra's got a cold, so she's not going

for the weekend.

No, you're kidding.

Well, never mind. We can go to your place.

We can't.

Arthur's got the bleeding key. We were supposed to have a meeting. He never

showed. What does he want with it?

Well, he's doing us the right favour, Sam.

He's going to get the place redecorated.

There you go, Jacko.

20 by 17.

Fitted carpet.

Gas central heating.

Yes.

The full grand offer.

I mean, key money you expect. The full grand. Oh, but it's not just key money,

Jacko, is it? I mean, it's fixtures and fittings.

I mean, gas cooker, fridge.

Carpet. Bed.

I'll chuck in the bed.

Ian, does your niece work in town? Because the tube's only just around the

corner. It's a real doddle.

I don't know, Arthur. It's a lot of money.

Yeah, but it's not just key money, Jacko, is it? I mean, this is your

mobile area.

Geezer's from the telly.

I'll tell you what, Arthur.

I'll sleep on it tonight. You come round the yard tomorrow and we'll have

another little chat, bro. No hurry, Jacko. You take your time.

I'll be round at nine.

I wouldn't bother,

Arthur. If you do happen to bump into Doris, don't mention my niece, will you?

Doris is a bit iffy about her family at the moment.

Not a dicky jacko.

What's this, you horrible little man?

It's Caesar's salmon.

Well, I happen to know something about food.

And I happen to know that Caesar's salmon has walnuts in it. Yes, but... So

don't you and I go along to the kitchen, Dino, and I'll give you a little

demonstration. Put your hands off the demonstration!

Is Bernie there, Mr Young?

I think there's some trouble in the kitchen.

Down with it, everybody.

We're going to have a lesson.

Nuts. We must have nuts.

Where's your nuts, little man, eh?

Understand? Compreme?

And drink.

Lots of drinks.

Right.

Tomatoes. Blot.

Cucumber. You, fetch me raisins. Oh, come on, gentlemen. You're keeping the

staff from their work. Work?

Can't even make a salad.

Why don't we go to the bar after this?

Get your hands off me.

Come on.

Now give it a rest.

Don't you people ever listen.

That's what you get for drinking on an empty egg.

If you wish to inspect the kitchen, Mr.

Bellows, you have only two hours.

No royals in tonight, I hope.

I shall have to let Bernie go.

Elsa's is a very quiet little club.

The temptation here is to get a little flabby.

In Bernie's case, the situation was accelerated by the liberal use of my

You, on the other hand, are not at all flabby, Mr. McCann.

Are you employed at the moment?

No, he isn't, Mr. Filmer.

I've got a lot on as it happens, yeah.

Simon here has been managing Elsa's for me for five years.

If he advises me to hire someone, I accept his advice without question.

He seems to think that you'd make an ideal replacement for Bernard.

Bernard, that's fantastic.

£120 a week, free meals from our menu, of course, and a share of the staff

gratuities fund.

Should you show promise, there's no reason you should always be a doorman.

Look, I appreciate the offer, Mr Filmer, but, well, I've got a partner, you

know, Arthur Daly and...

Yeah, well, it's not just a job, you know. We're old friends.

He's seen me write a few times.

For goodness sake, Timmy.

Come.

Excuse me, there's a gentleman here. There you are.

I've been all over bloody Mayfair looking for Helens.

Arthur, this is Helen.

Hello, my dear.

But I've sussed it in the end.

Yeah, er, this is Mr Filmer. He owns the club.

After daily.

Nice place you've got here. Now I know where it is, I'll pop in again sometime.

I'm afraid the membership is closed.

Really? What a shame. You'd think people would be queuing up to join, wouldn't

you? I'll have a word with my boy.

Terry.

Yeah, hold that, please. Cheers.

Now, listen.

Where were you?

I've been the whole afternoon in the Winchester, didn't I? I'm knackered now.

Well, look, something cropped up. Now, we have an important meet tomorrow. I

will pick you up at the flat.

You won't, not unless you give me the key.

Oh, all right, all right. Now, look, we could be on a nice little earner here.

Half past seven, sharp.

Half seven? On the dot. Now get a good kipping. Must go, got things to do.

120 sobs.

For those unsociable hours.

Plus tips.

Oh, I see. I see the punter bungs a dorm and a fiver every time he bangs them on

the cobbles, eh? No, no, no. All the tips are pulled, aren't they?

How do you get a lion in the mornings?

It's the beginning of the end, Terry.

Tax, national health insurance, graduated pension scheme, having to bow

scrape all them hooray henries. Yeah, but all I'm saying is... Look, at least

for me, Terry, you've got your freedom.

Oh, there's Vickery.

Her little granddaughter.

Bit of a punk rocker.

Nice girl, that.

Arthur. Charlie.

Kate. And you must be Terry. He speaks very highly of you, does Arthur.

Does he?

My granddaughter, Kate.

Hello. You're looking well, Charlie. Spot of fresh air, Arthur.

Not much of that down there.

I've taken to coming up here every morning.

I reckon it's the only way I can bear to look at that town now, from a distance.

You'd have thought it a few years ago, eh, Arthur?

The noise and the filth. The come of the earth.

Don't upset yourself, Grandpa.

You were going to tell Terry about your little problem, Charlie.

I was?

The house, Grandpa.

The house?

Oh, yes, the house.

Well, you see my little girl here, Teddy, my little Kate.

A man couldn't ask for a better granddaughter.

Well, she's getting married quite soon, is Kate.

Getting married to a schoolteacher.

If I had the money, I'd buy him a nice semi.

And as it is, all I've got is this.

Old house in town.

Bit run down.

Been empty for a year.

What Grandpa wants to do is convert it into flats, then sell them off.

Saving one for you and your husband -to -be.

I keep telling him how expensive it will be, fitting five bathrooms and five

kitchens. So what's the problem?

Squatters, Teddy.

Squatters on my property.

Now, I'm an old man, and me and little Kate, we don't know much about that

jungle down there.

Don't want to either.

So I turned to me old friend Arthur, who knows about these things, in the hope

that he might help us out.

If for a consideration, of course.

And Arthur tells us you'd like first refusal on the flat, Terry.

Do what? Yeah, well, we won't go into that now. I mean, we've got to get rid

these squatters.

What's wrong with evicting them? Go through the courts?

Well, it might take months.

And anyway, I've got to be frank, I need the money sooner than that.

I think it's time we get you indoors again, Grandad.

Yes. I reckon that's my bit of fresh air for the day.

Come on, Charlie. Thank you.

Keep in touch, Arthur.

Good to know that you've got matters in hand.

That's very kind of you, Mr Davy. Not at all, Kate.

So... Poor old devil.

Is it me, or is he a bit too lally?

Ah, Vicar, he's all right.

I've known him for years.

At school together, were you?

Yeah. What's all this about me getting a new flat?

Oh, well, I thought it was time we got you a bigger place.

No, I don't want to move.

Of course you want to move.

You're always going on about how cramped it is.

I'm not.

Yes, you are. You're forever banging on about it.

Ah. No, I'm all right there. I'm all settled down.

No, we'll talk about it later. You'll soon see the sense of it.

what you were thinking of taking a job like this.

I mean, squatters, addictions, it's dodgy stuff these days.

There's 75 in your hand now and 75 later.

75, eh?

How do I shift down? It's full of squatters.

Ask them to step outside while I read the metres.

Now, the thing is, you see, Kate and Charlie are on the innocent side. I

there was this geezer there on the booze. I just bunged him a pony and he

off like a shot.

And an Irishman who works for the council, he's visiting his sister in

Manchester. That just leaves the two kids, you know, hippie types.

I mean, the thing is, Kate and Charlie panicked unnecessarily.

Shame. I wonder why.

Now, look, there's no basement door. Just a bit of corrugated iron.

Look, if they're in there, offer them 50.

Out of my 75?

If that don't work,

I'll think of something else.

Got it all sewn up, haven't you?

Don't worry, Terry, I'll be right behind you. Out here with the engine running.

Great.

Come on, I'm going to break your arm, son.

Oh, no, there you go now.

And you're going to be able to stop, right?

Yeah.

Are you all right, Piers?

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm here because the owners of this desirable residence have decided they

want squatters in it. What do you mean, squatters?

Look, you find the old house, right?

Neglected, falling apart.

So you break in, change all the locks. We live here.

Yeah, we pay rent.

You pay rent?

Yeah.

Who to?

Oh, a weird bit.

Dead expensive gear.

She comes round here about once a week. Yeah, with this guy in a big Rolls

Royce. Oh, they park it in another street so as not to anger the peasant's

scene in one day.

You got a rent book, anything like that?

No. She don't allow nothing like that.

That yours?

Yeah.

Come on, on your feet.

Now listen.

I've got 50 in cash here.

It's yours if you move out.

50?

I can't take it.

You know what it's like trying to find a place around here.

Look, we've got one room clean and tidy for the baby, and I tell you, that's

worth hanging on to.

You going to chuck us out on the street then?

I don't know.

I really don't know.

Morning, Jack.

Oh, low offer.

Care to pop in the office?

I've been thinking over and over and I've decided to take the flat. Very wise

decision, Jack. Tell us just one thing, Arthur.

I can't go to four grand.

Three and a half is all I can manage.

Three, seven, fifty. You can have the sofa and the armchair.

Done.

Right. 1 ,000, 2 ,000, 3 ,000, 750.

Oh, I wasn't expecting you to cough up right away, Jack.

It's all right, Ruff. I mean, I can't bank it, you know, and Doris gets

if there's too much cash around here.

Yeah, you wasn't wanting to move in right away, was you? Oh, no, no, no, no.

My niece Shirley has got things to sort out, yeah.

Flat's still available, though, isn't it? Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

Right, got to get up.

Got a load of heavy duty... You Brian, I was arriving this morning. Oh, that

reminds me, Jack. I'd like to ask your advice about something.

Your friends couldn't do much better than this.

Lost his colours, you see.

Desert dust, gay Camboche.

Trouble is, sir, none of them are matched up. But still, as it's not for

personal use, it doesn't matter, does it, if you get my drift?

Oh, I do, Jacko, I do, I do. You see, the thing is, these friends of mine,

don't know much about the conversion business, and I'd hate to see them

exploited.

Well, of course you would, Arthur. Of course you would.

How much you want for that little lot?

Worth a grand, this little lot.

Five hundred, do you get?

Four. Done.

If you pay me in cash.

Yeah, of course. Oh, have you got my little purchase ready?

Oh, yeah.

Kevin, can you put Mr.

Daly's bidet in his car?

Midnight purple.

Yeah, it's not for me, you understand. It's for the wife.

And, Kevin, here, come here.

Mr Daly has just bought up all our odds and sods, so don't move him. He has?

Yeah.

Rent?

They say they're paying rent, but by the bare -faced light... They've been

straight enough to me, Mr Vickery. They were very convincing.

Convincing? Well, of course they were convincing.

People like that living off the backs of others.

They've got to be convincing.

That's how the Poncings try and get away with it.

Grandpa's rather disappointed that this issue hasn't been resolved, Mr Daly. As

you can see, his health is poor as it is.

With the worry about the house, well, I'm rather concerned.

There is absolutely no cause for concern, Kate. Terry and I just wanted

up a few points, that's all. Yeah, I appreciate that, Arthur.

Oh, and about the conversions, I think I've solved one of your problems there.

What's that?

A complete set of matching basins, baths and toilets.

Latest colours, quarter of the market price.

Oh, you're a gem, Arthur. A real gem.

A whole man like me doesn't deserve good friends like you.

Yes, that's very kind of you, Mr Daly. When the time comes, I'm sure we'll be

happy to talk about it.

Right, then.

Well, we'll... Come on, Terry.

Cheers, Charlie.

Vampire?

I'm not sure Arthur Daly can really help us as much as we think.

Oh, Arthur will look after us. Don't you worry. I'm sure I could get some people

who could deal with the squatters much more efficiently.

Don't you worry your pretty head about it, little Casey.

Of course not, Grandpa.

Give us hand.

Help us put this in your car.

What do I want it for? No, it's for her indoors.

It's her birthday tomorrow. It's a present. I want it to be a surprise.

Do you know what it is?

Of course I know what it is. It's a bidet, isn't it?

Do you know what it's for?

What's it matter what it's for? It's a present, isn't it? I'll get you a lager.

Sid.

Vodka swim line, Harry. And a lager for young Terry.

He's just sticking a bidet in his boot.

Hey, Terry, I've been thinking.

You know, I've got you the flat.

There is no reason why I shouldn't up the ante, get you a mortgage, regularise

our relationship, as they say in business circles, pay you a regular

Oh, hold on.

You said that was the beginning of the end. No, no, no, no, that depends on the

circumstances. Ah,

fella called McQueen phoned for you, Arthur. Something about a flat? Oh,

yeah, yeah, cheers.

Thanks, Harry. Yeah, and talking about flat, that couple in Vickery's house.

I think they're on the level.

Oh, don't say you've fallen for that, Terry. The next thing you'll be saying

you're a member of the Flat Earth Club.

Listen, I think they're straight. They've got a little kiddie there and

you think I want to cause unnecessary hardship?

Look, I will think of something.

Don't you worry.

What time's Terry coming in tonight?

Eight on the dot, Harry.

Ah, he'd like a bite to eat before the fun starts, I suppose.

Oh, yes, he would. I would. Excuse me, I am here.

I've been meaning to mention this to you for some time, Harry. What?

Now, Terry's been coming here.

Two nights a week for a whole year. Yeah. And that is a great chunk of time

of a boy's life. Ah, you've been talking about money, I suppose.

Well, you're off.

He sees me.

I see.

Thank you, Arthur.

Thank you very much.

What's he on about?

I don't know.

Oh, perhaps he's going to see his old gran. That always puts him in a dodgy

frame of mind when he does that.

He can take that away, can't he?

You look cheerful.

So would you be if you had to spend the rest of the evening down at Bricklayers?

Dreadful place.

Dreadful? I'll tell you, young lady, it's a magnet for music lovers and

connoisseurs of fine wine.

Well, you don't sound very happy.

I'm terrific.

Is it Arthur?

Oh, come on, stop slagging off Arthur, eh?

It's not Arthur. I like Arthur.

Careful, don't go over the top.

It's you I'm worried about.

Look, Terry, I like you a lot.

I mean, I'm not going out with you just for laughs, you know.

I think you're a really smashing guy.

You're kind, generous.

You've got a good brain.

Oh, don't leave off.

What are you going to be doing in 10, 15 years' time? Same thing.

And you'll be older, slower, and some young bloke will come along and cripple

you for life.

I mean, what am I supposed to think about the future, Terry?

Listen, if I'm supposed to be so bleeding marvellous, how is it everybody

all their time telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing?

Change a job, change a flat. I mean, can I have some say in it now and again, or

what?

Filmer still hasn't got a replacement for Bernie.

Any? Hard luck.

I wasn't planning on taking the gear so soon, Jack.

No, the thing is, Arthur, we're a bit desperate for space, you see.

Mind you, they had to take it wherever you want.

Free delivery, I can't say better than that. Yeah, I appreciate that, Jack, but

the one I would bring up.

Um, concerning the flat, my niece Shirley would like to take a butcher, so

could pop round this evening.

This evening?

Well, just to get the feel of the place.

It's a bit previous, Jack, isn't it?

Well, if you want to reconsider, Arthur, I'll happily take back the key money.

No, no, no, no, no, no, that's all right, that's all right. I mean, I

pay you back today. I've already bunged you 400 this morning.

No, no, you can have a look, but you'll have to make it between 8 and 11.

Fair enough, Arthur.

Ready, Governor, where to?

Ah, you'd better follow me.

I think there's somewhere on the way.

I'm sorry.

Nothing to be sorry about.

Just got me wrong, that's all.

I'm as thick as two sugar planks.

I'm generous when it suits.

And that's where ambition's at.

Three -figure break of snooker would make me a happy man.

Now you're being ridiculous.

Am I?

I wonder.

I didn't mean to go on at you.

Why not?

Oh, no.

When will I see you again?

Don't know.

I'll give you a ring.

Bye.

Wait!

I've got a good mind to report you to your employer.

Last one.

Everything all right, Arthur? A bit hectic, Dave.

Here, you got any room in your yard out the back?

Yeah, a bit.

Could I dump something there just for the night? Nice drink in it for you.

What's wrong with your locker?

No, the geezer won't drive it that far.

So you want to use mine, eh?

I suppose so.

As long as there's nothing dodgy, mind.

Cheers, Dave.

Hey, Arthur, mind me motor?

Here we are then.

Ah, my niece, Shirley.

Hello, my dear.

What's your show?

Hello, Dave.

You two know each other?

Of course we do.

I didn't know a pair of you was related.

I think I'd call for a drink, Dave.

Oh, yeah.

No rush, no rush. Oh, buy us one of them tequila sunrises, Jackie.

Oh, yeah, I'll have one too.

Jack.

Right. Yeah, that sounds like her.

Shortish, red striped hair, looks like a punk rocker.

What about the motor?

Roller. Dark one, brown maybe.

Yeah, that's it.

I don't get it.

What it means is the lady who's been trying to chuck you out for squatting is

the same lady you're paying rent to.

We've all been wound up good and proper.

Yeah, but now that you know...

Oh, yeah, now that I know, everything in the garden's lovely, isn't it?

Listen, I'm sorry, but if she wants you out, she'll get you out. Doesn't matter

what I know.

What are we going to do, man? I mean, we're the baby and all.

Go to the rent people or the council or something, I don't know.

Listen, you got a phone?

No.

Right, I've got to go to work.

You just sit tight, right? And try not to let her frighten you off.

I'll see you.

Jack, it's so cosy.

It's very compact.

Oh, it's a bit bare, though.

But I'll soon see to that.

Yeah, she'll make a real palace of this place.

She will?

She's got taste, that girl.

Oh, I can see it in me mind exactly how it should be.

It's a talent I've got.

I thought we'd christen the place, if you don't mind, Arthur.

We'll let ourselves out.

Oh, you are a clever man, Jackie. Hang about.

Yeah, well, I've got to look after my little niece and I... The thing is...

two hours.

I mean, she's going to get the hump if I bundle her out now, isn't she?

All right, look, you can stay, but you must be out by 11.

Oh, this wallpaper will have to go. I mean, it's just not colourful enough.

Don't worry, I'll soon get a bit of life in the place.

Terrific, Shirley.

Terrific. Eleven.

Of course.

20 past?

What's happened to Arthur?

Something serious, I hope.

Nice quiet night. You've got to admit that.

Oh, yes.

Only two rucks and no one was sick over me.

Well, the explanation for that is quite simple, you see, Ty.

I'm getting a different sort of punter in here.

Classier, you know.

I reckon it's all the hard work I've put in here that's paying off at last.

It must be.

Yeah, you'll be serving soup in a basket soon.

Not a bad idea.

Oh, God, I think I'll shoot off.

Tell Arthur I'll settle with him tomorrow.

You could settle with me, you know.

Oh, best not.

You know Arthur?

Yeah.

Just a little joke.

Temperamental.

Bound to be in that lane of work, I suppose.

Jacko!

Jacko!

Crying out loud, it's half eleven.

Jacko, I'm coming in.

It's Arthur.

Do you hear?

Oh, my God.

What are you doing lurking about here?

No problem, Terry.

I've got a bone to beat with you about vickering this darling little

granddaughter. You can't go in, Terry.

What? I'm into the title. Go with me, all right?

Don't you think that's the problem?

This fella, he's interested in the flat for his niece, and he just wanted her to

have a look, see if it suited you, you know. That's no problem. We'll get him

out. Now! No, no, we can't.

Yes, we can. No, no, no, it's not as easy as that, Terry.

You see, there's a little matter of... What?

Well, you know... You haven't taken key money off him. No, no, no, don't panic.

You have, haven't you?

You've taken key money off him.

You've made a nice few quid. You've given the geezer my flat without even

telling me. No, they haven't, actually. You're taking liberties with my house.

No, no, look, we'll have a nice little flat for you. Oh, where Vicar is.

Nice little flat at the Vicar is, eh? Yeah. Well, that's where you're wrong,

sunshine.

Those people, they're legal tenants. They're not squatters.

That Katie, she's done you up like a kip of thumb.

She just wants them out so she can have the place clear for a quick sale.

There won't be any flat.

Just thank you very much and good night, innit? Oh, look, Terry.

Terry. And what about all those basins, eh? All those nice bars?

The B days.

Look, why don't we go back to my place and have a nice drink?

Look, just for once, shut it, will you?

I'll tell you what.

Here you are.

Now, that one, silver and all, you can have them coming in and out in shifts,

can't you? Where are you going?

To get a job.

Yes, Terry, the office is still open.

If Simon's in agreement, of course.

It would suit me very well.

When do I start, then?

Come in midday tomorrow. We'll sort out the detail.

Well? About tomorrow.

Harry, that's great!

No, there's no slight problem, though.

I've got to stay at your place tonight, haven't I?

Oh, that's terrible.

Especially at the time of the way visiting her mum. Oh, worse and worse.

Hey, do you mind?

Excuse me.

I've got the cash, Jack.

I will refund you your key money. That's 400 quid. Because as it happens, I

don't want them baths and basins after all.

All right, all right, all right. I'll refund you the whole whack. But I've got

to hang on to the flat.

Arthur, Shirley is very pleased with the flat. She thinks it's ideal and so do

I. So don't let's have any more discussion about it, right? Yeah, but...

fact, she is moving some of her belongings in today.

What? And as for them baths and toilets, I don't want them back.

I mean, why do you think I flocked them to you in the first place?

Right over.

I've got things to do.

It looks good. How does it feel?

I'm just not used to wearing ties.

Trying to remove the bouncer's bow ties can fit at the height of wit by a

younger member.

They'll get a smack then, won't they?

No, they won't, Terry.

Because you'll laugh with them.

You'll chuckle at their winning ways and thank them profusely for brightening up

your day. And remember this, Terry.

If anyone cuts up rough in here, you use the minimum of violence.

You behave as though removing them from the premises is the biggest honour

you've ever had.

Yeah, all right.

Good.

Now, I think we both deserve a drop of the boss's straight malt.

Did he mind you nicking all his whisky?

Well, let's say I don't allow him to, mate.

Will you?

No, thanks, no. I'll stick to buying me own.

As you wish, Terry.

I've been trying to contact you all over Bleeding Town.

Why, what's the problem?

I can't move me motor, that's all. We had to take a cab home last night.

Oh, that.

Well, look, let me make a couple of phone calls and I'll sort that out in a

jiffy. You give us a large vodka and slimline. I've got a thirsty good

photograph.

Hello, Shirley?

Arthur Daly.

Very well, my dear. How are you?

I just phoned up to see how you're getting on.

Oh, that's lovely.

Purple ceiling.

That sounds very nice.

Yes. Oh, well, I'll see you again soon.

Bye -bye, dear.

Here you are. That's about time you settled your slate, isn't it?

Oh, Dad.

Have one yourself, Dave. Go on, big one.

And give us a pan of teller.

There you go.

You take that paper off. Jack McQueen, please.

Hello, Jack.

Arthur.

No, no, I just phoned up to let you know how everything's going.

Everything's fine, yeah.

I'll pop round and see how Shirley was getting on.

Oh, terrific.

Yeah. She's having a drink with her other uncle.

Shining the place, you know.

That be your brother, would it, Jack?

Or is it your wife's family on the other side?

No, it bloody isn't.

Oh, Jack?

Jack?

Funny fella. Oh, for coming out. What about my motor?

Cabbie, if you're stuck, on me.

Look, Charlie, this is very important.

I've got all them bars and basins and toilets for you for the conversions.

Toilets?

Conversions? Latest styles?

Quarter market prices?

No, we don't need none of them.

You take a look if you don't believe me.

This is a modern house.

Plush toilets running water.

No, no, no. The old house, Charlie. The one with the squatters.

The old house? Oh.

I lived in that, man and boy.

Look, Charlie.

Charlie?

Charlie? Where is Kate now, do you know?

Kate? She'll be at the old house.

You sure?

Yeah, getting it nice for me.

Close the door when you go out, will you, Arthur?

A bit parky today.

with mothers finished.

So let's have some silence, could we?

I was thinking about the house.

Don't start thinking, Alan.

It's not your speed.

Hello, who the bleeding hell is that?

Could I have a word?

I know there's been an itch or two, Kate. You blew it, Daly.

You made a right pig's ear of it, but it's all right. It kept Grandpa happy,

thinking his old mate was getting him out of a fix.

I'm picking the team now, Daly, because I like people who do what they are paid

to do.

We give the house a once -over.

It's easy.

Of course, yeah, I see your point, Kate.

You do much more talking, and I'm going to start thinking about asking for my

money back.

Want me to ask him?

Um, I'm parked back there.

I couldn't bear to deprive the media of a pissy few hundred quid. Well, the

thing is, you see, I laid out a lot of cash for those basins and baths.

I've had a nice offer for the house.

Empty, of course. And I want to close the deal tomorrow.

And I'm not interested in any basins.

Best quality gear.

Stop the car, Alan! I want this joker out!

I'm not making a penny out of this myself, Kate.

Average mate of you, Mr Daly.

No, Kate.

Kate.

Kate.

Well, we'll let the matter drop.

Just this once.

You sure Terry hasn't been in or phoned?

There you go, Arthur.

What's this?

That's my cab fares to date.

43 quid?

It's a long drive out of Basildon.

You live round the corner.

We moved a couple of months ago.

If you'd listened to people, Arthur, you wouldn't get into these scrapes.

Helen,

what time's the break?

Oh, sorry, I thought you were Helen.

She's what?

This is a very serious matter, Helen.

What's going on?

McCann, do you mind?

He says I was fiddling the till.

Were you?

Of course not.

I'm sorry, Erin, but I caught you in the act.

What's happening?

He said to me that if someone was drunk, that I should leave out the gin and

just give them the tonic, and we'd pocket the difference. Well, I wouldn't

it. So the next thing I know, he has me in here. I have to take the word of my

manager.

Listen, kid, wait outside by the car, eh? It's out the back.

You're out of your mind, Filmer.

She's as straight as they come.

You ought to have a go at that ponce there.

Simon, go back on the door, please.

Now then, McCann, the facts of life.

Simon's worked with me for five years.

He's an excellent manager.

He's very popular with the customers, and I trust him. Oh, yes.

I know he cheats me.

But I know exactly how much. I know exactly how far he'll go.

Doctoring the drinks might have been a little too far.

But I shall have a word with him, and he'll stop it.

You see, it's the devil you know, if you see what I mean.

So Helen gets the sack for doing so -do?

Not the way I put it.

You know, I've known some villains in my time.

Jesus, who would break your arm just for the price of a pint. But you lot,

Jesus, you'd turn me over more than all of them put together.

Very nice to see you, but they're going to get a bit nasty.

Listen, you sloppy little getter. If I ever find you in my manner, I'll show

what a spanking means down the rough end of the market. Got it?

What are you doing here?

I just thought you might like to know that Kate's hired a couple of right

gorillas to turn that young couple over.

When? I reckon any time now.

Listen, love, you take my car, eh? I'll catch up with you later.

Cheer up.

No, no, no, no.

Want to get there before the weekend, don't we?

Watch it! Look, I've just had it serviced.

Should have said I was taking it easy.

You should stay in bed, John.

for you, Dave, for all your trouble.

What do you think I am, a midget?

Keep your eyes in it.

Come to collect the gear off.

Good.

Here, by the way, you did me a right favour with that little Shirley.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, two -timing it all.

Of course, you denied it all. No.

So, of course, I won't be needing a flat, will I? Good news, isn't it?

So, have you got my money? Yeah, yeah. I've kept 400 for the barbs and basins

and bits.

You what?

400.

I can only give you two for them, mate.

They? Last year's colours.

Didn't they match, did they? You might as well keep hold of them.

You reckon?

Oh, no.

No way off, aren't I?

He'll take you.

Come on, lads. I'll show you what they are.

It's all getting away from me, Terry.

Look on the bright side. You've only lost 200, haven't you?

That's worth a drink all round, isn't it?

Yeah, I was just going to say the same myself.

If you want to, I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.

I'm gonna help you. Love you like you want. One, two, three.