Original subtitles

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Environment.

Heredity. I still say environment.

Heredity. It's the very foundation of social distinction.

Environment. What do you think, Miss Lulu?

Oh, please, gentlemen, don't get me into this.

Excuse me.

My dear Professor Sedlitz, your theory is illogical, preponderantly

impracticable, and moreover, it stinks.

I'll wager you a thousand dollars my theory is correct, Professor

I'll accept your bet, and I'll take a man from the lowest strata of society.

And within two months, through environment, make him a gentleman.

It's a bet.

Pardon me, Professor.

The plumbers are here.

Come on. What a joint.

They must be crooks. Yeah.

This joint's put in a reform school.

Boys, we want this gas log removed.

Right. Right. All right, fellas, get busy.

Now, you watch your P's and Q's, and you behave yourself.

There are your guinea pigs, Professor.

If you can make gentlemen of them, you will go down in posterity as having

solved the Darwin theory.

Quite so, Professor Selitz. Come on, get busy. You hold the chisel. I'll cut the

pipe. I'll watch.

Come, let us interview them.

I'm sorry, Bob, but you should have honked your horn before you approached.

it's nothing.

I'll be all right.

Hey, you with the mattress head, if I gave you a dollar and your father gave

a dollar, how many dollars would you have?

One dollar.

You don't know your arithmetic.

You don't know my father.

How would you like to make a thousand dollars?

All you have to do is let me make gentlemen of you. Gentlemen?

No, not that.

There hasn't been a gentleman in our family for five generations.

Quit bragging.

For a thousand dollars, we'll even become gentlemen.

Good. Then it's settled.

Kindly sit down.

Right here.

Wash your legs.

May I borrow the chisel, please?

Here we go.

It's amazing, my dear Sedlitz.

Inconceivable, my dear Quackenbush.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You know, Professor Sedlitz, there is definite evidence of vacancy of the

cranium. Oh, thank you, Professor.

Well, you made the bet, and you're stuck with them.

Oh, no.

I'll win. What? With those morons?

How'd you know?

And we're organized.

Amalgamated Association of Morons.

Local 6 and 7 -8.

Oh, we are warrants fighting through. We will do our job for you.

And you've taken care of everything, Miss Lulu? Yes, sir. I have also

for lunch. Oh, good. Thank you. Thank you very much.

We're ready.

Oh, gentlemen.

This is my secretary, Miss Lulu.

She's going to help me with your education.

Glad to meet you.

Boy, what a Lulu.

The lesson will be table manners.

You must always remember... Pardon me.

Luncheon is served.

Luncheon is served!

Now,

boys,

the first thing at the dinner table is the serviette.

I never ate one of those.

The napkin.

Hey, in your lap.

Good. Now, gentlemen, watch Miss Little carefully.

Whatever she does at this table, you boys must do. We'll do everything that

does. Good. Now, pardon me, gentlemen. I'll be right back.

Yes, sir.

You know, babe, you're really the cat's meow.

Absolute end. Toots, I'd love to cover you with furs. Only the best furs.

Mink, skunk, porcupine.

Only the best for you.

You sure are the hubba hubba kid.

Hubba hubba. Wahoo! You're right, boy.

What are you doing, skinhead? The professor said to do everything that she

You stoop.

You behave yourself or I'll crown you. I'll crown you, big boss.

Baby, you send me.

Why don't you go?

You know, baby, you're the tops.

The apple of my eye.

The cranberry sauce in my turkey.

Solid. You know, babe, I go for you in a big way. Give me the word.

Say the word and you and I will fly around the world forever.

Thrilling. Sweet.

Gorgeous.

we'll resume with a lesson.

You may start serving, Sappington.

Some olives and celery, Miss Lou? Thank you, Sappington.

Thank you.

I love celery.

Olives, sir.

Oh, thank you.

What's the idea of eating all those olives? Because I like them.

Water,

water.

I was choking those olive tits. I ought to choke you. Oh, shut up.

Your soup, Miss Lulu. Thank you, Sabington.

Soup, sir.

What's the matter? Soup too hot?

No, too salty.

I can't say Worcestershire.

Hey, Mo.

There's a hair in my plate.

That's no hair. It's a crack.

It's the first time I've ever seen a crack wiggle like that.

Oh, that's neither hand nor there.

Boy, I love noodles. Me too.

Boys, you do not schloop soup.

I don't know why, Mo, but I'm still hungry. It must be a tapeworm.

Delicious. Just like the cans my mother used to make.

Now we're going to have our first reading lesson.

Turn to page one.

Moe, you read.

Oh.

Oh, see the pretty cat.

Does the mouse see the cat?

Yes, the dirty rat. Don't get personal.

Boys, boys.

Now, Joe, you read.

Paganini. Paganini?

That's page nine.

Oh, see the little deer. Does the deer have a little doe?

Yeah, two bucks.

There. Now, now, no more of this levity.

Larry.

Oh, see the putsy cat.

Does the cat have chickens?

That's kittens. Cats do not have chickens.

Oh, no? Well, my cat got in a chicken house, and that cat had chickens.

Oh, no!

Well,

here we are.

Now,

boy, remember all you've been taught these past weeks.

And if your debut into society is successful tonight, money is yours.

Professor Quackenbush, have no qualms or trepidations. We will justify your

faith in us indubitably, sir.

Precisely. The extracurricular scholastics and the vicissitudes we have

encountered have elevated us to astronomical fields of learning, if I

pedantic. Good gazelle.

Precisely. Oh, fine gentlemen.

Now, introduce the boys.

Go ahead.

Good evening, ladies.

Good evening. May I present...

Mr. Joe, Moe, and Larry.

Mrs. Godrack. How do you do?

Delighted. Devastated.

Dilapidated.

And the Countess Spritzwasser.

John.

Enraptured. Enchanted.

Embalmed.

Oh, this is a lovely party.

Delightful.

Champagny.

Now, Sedlitz, I hope you have your checkbook with you.

Yes, I have, and it looks like you've won.

Come along.

Allow me.

Oh, Joington, Yesington, did you Collington me?

Indeedington. Oh, my, you boys are so quaint, so amusing.

Well, thank you. I kiss your hand, madame.

Such nice manners.

Yes, they have done splendidly.

My, my.

Isn't he charming?

Yes, indeed.

So gallant. Such nice manners.

Pardon us, ladies.

Where's that diamond? In the safety deposit box.

You kleptomaniac. If that means what I think it does. Yeah?

I'm guilty.

Well, give it back.

Well, what do you know?

Somebody framed me.

You imbecile, pick those up.

Go on.

Hey, hey!

What's the matter?

What is the matter with you? You stoop.

Now I gotta find something to cover this silverware with.

What is it, raining or something?

Now behave yourself.

Oh, boys, I've been looking for you. Come on with me. Yes, sir.

Hey, you trying to ruin us? Give me that car. Oh. Go sit down.

I've got to get rid of this.

I hear there's quite a story about these boys.

Uh -huh.

What? There's one of them now.

Excuse me.

You tell me about yourself.

Well, you see it. Well,

that is... You'll pardon me. If you don't tell me all about this

I shall always feel that I've missed something.

Lady, if you don't leave right now, you're not going to miss anything.

Young man, what's wrong? You act as though the sword of Damocles is hanging

your head.

Lady, you must be psychic.

I wonder what's wrong. What's wrong with that young man?

You feather -brained imbecile, are you trying to ruin

us too?

You know, you're a little bit too bossy.