Original subtitles

That's a police car. Half the time it's our home and our office. The three of us

work together. We're cops.

I'm Halliday.

I'm Charaday.

I'm St.

Patrick's Day.

When we first started out, I never thought we'd be three fingers on the arm

the law. I'm the first finger.

I'm the second finger.

I'm the hangnail.

Quiet, mongoose.

He always interrupts. These are the facts, nothing but the facts.

It happened several years ago. At that time, we were in the army.

Right in the midst of a rough, tough battle, we were surrounded fighting for

lives. We were fighting a rearguard action. It's the only action we know how

fight.

My rifle's jammed!

Hey, fellas, we gotta knock out that machine gun nest. They got us pinned

I'm just not hungry. You carry on without me.

out the machine gun nest.

Oh!

Gotta need a nap while I'm hungry.

A nap.

Too sore.

Gotta knock out the machine gun.

Oh, another apple.

Too hard.

It's raining.

That's my luck.

He did it. Come on.

Oh, boy, you did it. You did it. Larry, old boy, you knocked a machine gun nest

out cold. Single -handed. You're the hero.

be promoted for this.

Hey, what are we doing out here?

Tonight can get killed. Run for your life!

I'm Halliday.

I'm Taraday.

I'm Groundhog Day.

When we got out of the army, we decided to go to college. We were natural born

detectives, so we took up the study of criminology.

I see you've decided to major in criminology.

That's right, ma 'am. All we want is the facts, ma 'am. We chose criminology

because it's scientific.

Indeed. In the lexicon of crime, it is theoretically propounded that passion...

inhibition, and delinquency are the major contributing factors.

Not to mention corruption of mind, detestations, and schizophrenia, if I

so sesquipedalian.

A jerk with a quake may do the work, or a tyke with a dyke may stick a clank.

Good result?

Very paraphrastic.

Viva! Viva!

Viva! Viva! Good!

Good! Good!

Viva! Viva! Viva!

Viva! Gentlemen, the registration fee will be $25 each. Coming right up.

There you are. There you are. And there you are.

Here's a transfer.

That's in case I want to transfer to another class.

Quiet, titmouse.

Thank you, gentlemen.

By the way, I conduct some of the classes in criminology myself.

I think you'll find it very interesting.

I'm interested already.

Me too.

Pardon me, gentlemen. I'll be right back.

I told you to lay off.

The next time you do that, I'll whack you right in the head.

Nail him.

Drop that. Put that bill down. What in the world are you doing? I told you we

were natural -born detectives. We caught this crook robbing you. You fool.

He's my father, the dean of this college.

Don't you two imbeciles know a gentleman when you see one? Oh.

See that? Oh. Ow.

See that?

Oh. See that? Oh.

Now, you guys prepare for 81C.

Not that. Not that. 81C.

81C. Go.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm Halliday.

I'm Taraday.

I'm New Year's.

By this time, we were well along with our criminology studies.

One day, we were receiving private instructions from Alma Mater.

In placing handcuffs on a criminal, it must be done quickly, the speed being in

the wrist.

I'll show you.

I have to leave early today, and I want you boys to practice for about an hour,

and I'll see you in the morning.

All right, teacher. All right, come on, let's get started.

Hold still.

Let me try it.

Do it to me.

Sure, I'll do it to you.

Keep.

There. Good. Now, let's open them up and try it again.

Give me the key.

She forgot to give us the key.

Hey, hey.

Hey, she ain't coming back till tomorrow morning. How do you like that? Well, we

gotta get out of here. Wait a minute.

Easy, easy. All right, all right. There it is.

You see?

Now, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. I know, I know, I know. Now, down, fellas,

down, boy.

That's it. Now, I get through this.

Wait, wait.

Come on, get down.

I'm Taraday. I'm Christmas Day. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells.

Oh, I'll tell Santa Claus on you.

Well, we finished our courses in criminology. And we graduated with the

possible honors.

Now we were ready for our first case. Yep, our first case.

Make mine gin, make mine champagne. Yum, yum.

Boys,

I want you to pay strict attention.

Yes, yes.

There's a robber by the name of the Eel, the Slippery Cuss. Yes, yes.

He masquerades as a woman, but he smokes cigars.

Yes, yes. We have a tip. He's going to hold up the Biltless Hotel tonight at 8

'clock. Stake out and get him.

Yes, yes.

Now, if you fail, you're through.

Yes, yes. No, we'll get him. The only clue we have is this cigar butt.

That's his brand.

Now, get busy.

Let's examine this cigar, Shemp. What does it say?

L -A -S -T, last.

I -N -N -K -A -D -O -R -A.

Kedora. Last in Kedora. Let me see that.

Now, now, you nitwit.

It's lost in Kedora. Come on, bloodhound. You gotta track him down.

nose. Here, smell it.

Got it? And how?

Come on, over here and get started.

episode. Oh, that's me. What's that? What, Momstick?

Oh. Come on, let's get him.

I'm Holiday.

I'm Taraday.

I'm Independent Day.

Fool you, didn't I?

Fool me too.

That eel was a slippery one. We trailed him to a room upstairs.

We pushed the door open and rushed in.

Come out. Come out. Wherever you are.

Get up.

What you got today?

Get over here.

And don't make any phony moves or I'll blow your brains out. I'll be watching

you all the time.

Hey, somebody's rattling dice.

Oh, that's my knees.

in here someplace. Look around. See what you can find. Yes, sir.

Oh, boy.

I found something.

Come here.

Why don't you cut it out? Oh.

Hey, let's look in there.

Well, I guess he didn't come in here.

Find kettle of fish. We're in a lady's Turkish bath.

Well, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Use these sheets. Oh, disguised as girls. Oh, lipstick.

That's a purple one.

Luella, shall we take a sun bath?

No, no, Larietta. Let us take a scrambola.

Not me. I want to linger with the rest of the girls. You dear, you.

Doge!

I've been expecting you. You're just in time for your appointment.

Now sit right down here, and we'll get the mud pack right on.

I love your bang.

Oh, boy, a safety belt.

I'd better get out of here.

Get on that horse! Don't give me any of them blips!

Then let's labor.