Original subtitles

Pardon me, Inspector.

There are three chaps outside insisting upon an interview.

Very well, Dawson. Show them in. Yes, sir.

Oh,

well. Good morning.

Good morning.

And what can I do for you, gentlemen?

Oh, before we answer that, I want to prove we're not gentlemen.

Give me my lip, will you?

Fooled you, didn't we?

Now, if you don't mind explaining... We're first -class detectives,

We came to answer your ad. Ad?

Yes, here it is. One of experienced yard men. Apply, Inspector McCormick,

Scotland Yard. That's you, isn't it? Yes, but I'm afraid you don't

Oh, yeah, but look here. He and I are the same.

A1 Correspondence School of Detectives.

Oh, yes.

Mail order detectives.

I'll give you your chance.

Oh, boy.

Your assignment is to locate some missing papers.

Missing papers?

We must locate the missing papers.

Locate missing papers. Fine detectives we turn out to be. This is humiliating.

Quit squawking, you guys. Don't you know if we do a good job, they might promote

us to be detectives. Now carry on.

Get busy.

I'll see that Inspector McCormick gets the message.

Thank you.

We're in a hurry. Use the big clippers.

If there's any more paper in this yard, I'll eat it.

Here comes your lunch.

Hey, Shem. Hey, Larry.

Come here.

Look at this.

To Inspector McCormick.

Headquarters advises that an American named Dapper may have connection with

theft of the Punjab diamond.

He hangs around McGuffey's Hotel and Cafe on Bleak Street.

Signed, Dawson.

What a break. Just what we need.

I don't get it. What have we got to do with the Punjab diamond? Didn't you read

in the newspaper that it was stolen from the museum yesterday?

Sure, and if we get it back, we're in.

Great. Let's play this Dapper guy a visit. We'll clean up this case like we

cleaned up this yard.

Clean as a whistle. Come on, let's blow.

Not bad.

Not good.

Get the bag.

Get the bag.

Get there.

Hey, fellas, wait for me. Wait for me.

The Punjab diamond, kiddies.

Fourth largest diamond in the world.

And it's all ours.

What a hunk of ice.

Yeah, hot ice, baby. Hotter than the lid of a pot -bellied stove.

And now we'll collect the ransom money from the circus for the gorilla we

kidnapped from them.

Then we'll have passage money to take us on this hot ice to America.

Well, you all know what to do, so let's get going.

Take care of this, baby. Let's go.

We'll snoop around the joint and we'll find him.

Anybody wants a turn back, now's the time.

Oh, deserters, eh?

Come on, boys, put on a bold front.

Hey, fellas, come here.

That dame looks suspicious to me.

Let's investigate.

It's liquor.

She's getting shicker. I'll do it quicker.

Watch your P's and Q's.

What goes on here?

Sorry, ma 'am. We're detectives looking for a guy called Dapper, ma 'am.

Ain't never heard of him.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, she might be Dapper's girlfriend.

Yeah, she could have the diamond hidden in that purse.

Let's look.

ma 'am. We got to get the facts, ma 'am.

No diamond.

Nope, she's as clean as a hound's tooth.

Sorry, lady.

That's okay, fellas.

Hey,

come on, we still gotta find Dapper. Yeah, hey, how about those blokes over

there?

Hey, are you Dapper?

Are you?

Yeah, you can't hit a man with glasses. Come on.

Here.

Watch them. Cops are heading for the back room. Don't lose your head.

Examine this room carefully. We've got to get to the heart of this case. Right,

doctor.

What do you hear?

Tremont. Good.

Establish a time.

What does your watch say?

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

No, no, no, Moe.

Step aside.

I'll find a clue, I hope.

Why

don't

you tell me I left it open?

Sorry, Moe, you left the drawer open.

Very observant. Thank you. You're welcome.

Get out of here.

Hey, come on.

Search it.

Nobody there.

Why was I mistaken?

Just a minute. How dare you?

Take it easy, sister. Welcome for a guy named Dapper. Dapper? I never heard of

him. I'm all alone.

Good. I mean, we'll check on that. Look everywhere, men.

Keep your mind on your business.

You, too.

Use a fine tooth comb.

I haven't got a comb. Will a wire brush do?

Why, fine.

Hey, fellas, look.

D, that stands for dapper. That's my cigarette case. Just a minute.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, boy, evidence. Let's weigh it. Let's smoke.

Quiet. Sister, you ain't fooling nobody.

We're camping right here till dapper shows up.

I feel so awful.

I've never been in trouble before.

With oranges, it's much harder.

She's fainted. Fellas, help. Do something.

Look out.

Get some water, quick.

What happened, kid? She must have got a good look at you.

Come on, sister. Here's the water. Oh, thanks.

How do you like that?

You all right, kid?

Oh, yes. It's just that you policemen frighten me so.

But we ain't real policemen, lady. We only graduated from detective school.

And if we catch the crook who stole the Punjab diamond, we're sitting pretty.

Right. And this is our first assignment.

And your last.

Oh!

Muscles! Dapper!

Detective school, huh?

and this nitwit swallowed the diamond.

Me? That last mint was it.

Okay, stupid.

I'll give you three minutes to get that diamond back or we'll cut it out of you.

No, no. No, no.

Give it to him, you fool.

Yeah, you want to slice it open like a dead fish? No, no. I'll try to get it

back. Hope I didn't digest it.

I got a better idea.

Now you're getting smart.

Open your mouth.

Must

be

caught on something.

Maybe it's its appendix. We'll soon find out. You got a longer one of these

things?

Come on, come on. Wait a minute.

Not even a tonsil. And now I'll

try. Gentlemen, I think this calls for an operation.

No, no, not that.

Sorry, boys. This way, right in here.

Right there.

Thanks, darling. You better wait outside. This is no place for a weak

They're killing him. We've got to get out.

Cut it out. Cut it out. That's just what we're going to do.

We're trapped like rats. Speak for yourself.

Yeah. All right. I'll take you by the hand. Yeah. Little boy.

Come on.

You've got to listen to me. Come on. How do you like this guy? Too scared?

There it is.

Good. Hey, ain't you even going to put him to sleep?

You're going to get technical, eh?

In the closet.

That's it.

Ah, well, okay.

Anesthetic.

Come on, come on, give it to me.

Hey, Doc, how's about talking this over?

Moe! Larry!

Hit the lock, hit the lock, hit the lock.

Oh, I'm sorry. That looked like a lock. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, fellas, look. I got the Punjab diamond.

Boy, that's great.

Yeah. But tell me, how did you happen to swallow that thing in the first place?

Oh, like this.

Wait a minute, Shem. Hold this. I'll get it out.

There.

Boy, it's dark in there. Stand still, will you?

Larry,

here. I'm going to operate.

Oh, operate.

No, you're not going to operate on me.

Anesthetic. Now, I'll tell you right now you ain't.

Okay, let him down easy.

Okay, boys.