Original subtitles

Good morning, Petunia. Good morning.

Where's my wife? Oh, she went shopping with Larry's wife.

How's Jim feeling?

Not so good. He had a bad night.

Oh, that's a shame.

Ah, nice hotcakes.

Mmm, yummy, yummy.

A little butter.

Oh, some syrup.

Well, well, ketchup, my favorite fruit.

Oh, mustard. My lucky day.

Is that whipped cream?

I only had some beer.

Beer with hotcakes? It's delicious.

Say, you know what's funny? None of the doctors seem to be able to help Shep. My

friend Claude can cure Shep like nothing. He can do anything.

While we were in school, he cured all the pupils there.

What school?

The reformed schools.

Look, let me show you. I got his card right here. Listen to me, will you, Mo?

Look. Claude A. Quacker.

LBS, FOB, and UTZ.

Health Restorer and Advisor.

214 East 5th Street. Phone PU3411.

You see, let me go get him. He'll cure shit like that.

Are you sure? I'm positive.

Only fools are positive.

Are you sure? I'm positive.

Yes? Shepard's got to eat something. Will you cook this hot cake while I go

get him? Sure.

Hurry back.

I have no appetite.

Eat at least two of those or I'll never speak to you again.

Okay, but no syrup.

Okay, no syrup.

You know, these cupcakes are delicious this morning.

They sure are. They're light as a feather.

Thank you, dear. I didn't think I'd be hungry today, but I sure am. I told you

so.

Boy, do it all up good.

You know, Captain Larry's bringing his friend Claude over here to kill you.

do you say to that?

I mean, how is he, Claude? I gave him one of these sleeping pills about ten

minutes ago. That's the best thing in the world for him, rest and sleep. But

don't you think we ought to call a doctor?

Why throw money away?

I can take care of Shemp better than any doctor. Sure you can. Just follow the

directions till I get back. I'm going to get my doctor book. We'll have Shemp as

good as new.

Sure.

Take one pill, wait 15 minutes, then take a second pill. Hey, it's time for

second pill, 15 minutes. Right, let's go.

Now, don't worry about everything.

Everything will be all right.

Now, don't worry.

Baby, it's a shame to disturb him. Yeah, but he's got to take his second pill so

he can sleep.

Maybe you've got something there.

Okay, kid, we... Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Get up,

you've got to take a pill.

What, again?

Yeah, again.

Here.

Come on.

Down the hatch.

Let me get back... Oh, not so fast.

You've got to follow instructions.

Now that you've taken the pill, you've got to skip an hour.

Get him the rope.

Here, take that.

Now skip.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

Here, one in each hand.

Start skipping.

That's that.

No, no, we'll let you know when the hour's up.

Oh, that's that. Shit!

Cut it out, fella. You're waking me up.

Hey!

What's the big idea?

He's following the instructions on the bottle. Yeah, it says take two pills and

skip an hour. You dopes. That means to wait an hour before you give him his

pill. Now he tells us. I've got... My doctor book right here. I'll have his

diagnosed and nothing flat.

You sit right down there.

Uh -huh.

What is it, Doc? Nothing.

He's got a rash.

It tells you right here.

A rash may be caused by excessive use of the gray matter of the brain.

Oh, it must be something else. Sure, it can't be that.

It also says a rash may be caused by a bad tooth.

You got something there. Let's have a look.

Well,

none of them came out yet.

Here, open wide.

Get me a piece of strong string. What are you going to do, Doc? I'm going to

pull that bad, too.

Is it going to height? No, I don't think so.

Here's the string.

Tie a nice sailor's knot.

Cut it around?

Yeah. Fine.

Follow me.

Sit down.

All set?

We'll have that thing out before you can say Ticonderoga.

If you can say Ticonderoga. All right, back up just a little bit.

Okay, sonny boy?

All right.

Oh, what a tooth.

No wonder it was killing me.

You nitwit, that's the doorknob.

Oh, yeah?

Come on.

Why, you imbecile.

All we're trying to do is give you a hand here so you can get out of here.

He shot me. Get a doctor. Do something. Oh, quiet, Picklepuss. All he did was

pull your tooth. Is that all?

Thanks. I feel like a million bucks.

Easy. You'll soon be a well man, especially if you go away for a couple

weeks. Yeah.

We'll go... Wait a minute. We haven't got a car.

Oh, you lucky people.

I've got a car. It isn't exactly brand new, but it's in perfect condition.

How much? I'll let you steal it from me for 900 bucks.

And to show you I'm the right guy, I'll let you have my camping outfit.

I'll bring it over tonight.

That's what you call a real pal.

Yeah, we can camp near a lake and catch all the fish we can eat.

You know fish is great brain food.

You know you should fish for a whale.

Get out of here.

Hey, Larry, Shem passed out. Get some water. No champagne.

Oh, my God.

Shem, Shem.

Oh, hey, Shem.

He's out cold. Run and ask Claude what we should do.

Oh, kid, I better... Open his clothes.

Give him a little air.

How do you like that? A bulletproof vest.

Be ready in the jiffy, Sheldon. Tomorrow we're taking you on a nice camping

trip.

Oh, live lobsters. Yum, yum, yum.

Tomorrow we sure have a feast.

His veins are getting tight. Come on.

Claude said this will be good to quiet your nerves.

It's cold.

It's cold. It's cold. Oh, you sissy. Get in there.

Watch your arm.

How was that? Pretty good.

Next time you come in, knock first and then don't come in.

who you bought it from, what make is that? I told you, a Columbus. I thought

came over in a boat.

hissing me for? I'm not hissing you.

But it's not a bad idea.

Boy.

How do you like that? A flat tire.

Get the jack and take the wheel off. I'll get the spare.

Here.

Stubborn, eh?

Quit monkeying around, you guys.

Oh, careful.

What do we do now?

I wonder how they got the tire on.

What seems to be the trouble? We can't get the tire past the jack.

Why, you nitwit.

You want to get hurt?

Let a man do it that knows how.

You got to use your brain.

All you do is give it one quick jerk.

Oh, my foot. My foot, it's cut off. Help.

All right. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That's it. Help me. Take it easy. Take it easy. Get it out. Push him toward me.

All right.

Is it out yet? Is it out yet? No. Wait a minute. Hurry. Wait a minute. Oh, here.

Chop it out. Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Get me out. Oh, my foot. Hold steady, will you? I'll get you.

Look in the shoe for some toes.

How was it? Pretty heavy?