Original subtitles

He's got galloping hoofs to the heart.

My goodness, hoof and heart disease. That means he's nearing the finish line.

They're going around the first turn. Shep is in the lead by a... Come on,

dying. You're telling jokes.

We should take his temperature. If we only had a thermometer.

Wait.

Here's the thermometer.

Good. Open your mouth, Shep. No, I don't like pills.

Give.

Ow!

Now you go on, heat him a hot water bag.

Heat a hot water bag?

Ten degrees below zero.

Hey, it can't be.

And what do you think you're doing?

What? You told me I'm heating a hot water bottle.

Oh, I see.

Oh, get out of here.

You made him swallow the thermometer.

Now rub his stomach. Maybe he'll regurgitate the broken glass.

It's no use. He's full of glass.

You got to close, fellas.

I'm going to kick the bucket.

Oh, no.

I'm gone, boys.

Now you behave.

If you don't, I'll come back and haunt you.

He's sunk.

He's gone to the dogs.

the earthly report of my nephew, Mr. Shemp.

Shemp, there seems to be some mix -up regarding your eligibility to enter

portals. But, Uncle Mortimer, I... Is this what you want, sir? Thank you.

Shemp!

I hope you brought your asbestos suit with you.

Asbestos suit?

Gosh, no. I wouldn't eat it up here. I... But your report shows that you and

your cousins, Moe and Larry, have been pretty bad boys.

Oh. Oh, well.

All right. Give me a pitchfork and a red union suit and I'll go.

Fret not, my friend. We will supply you with everything.

Come along with me. Not so fast with your devilish wiles. I haven't released

Shemp yet.

Thanks, Uncle Mortimer.

Champ, I will give you one chance to save yourself from our arch enemy.

You will go back to Earth and reform Moe and Larry.

And if you do, you can come back here for good. If not... Wait, wait. I'll

succeed. I'll reform that Moe and Larry if it kills me.

What am I saying?

I'm already dead.

You realize that they will not be able to hear you or see you.

They won't hear or see me, eh?

That's great. Just perfect.

Ha! Not so perfect. For I have Moe and Larry under my evil influence.

And I'll thwart you.

Hello, big boy. My name is Helen. Helen what?

Helen Blazers. Oh, charm to know you.

Why don't you come down and see us sometime? We have some real hot...

Dance? Mm -hmm.

What am I doing? Eat it, you devils. Go to blazes.

They nearly got me, but I'm okay now, and I'll reform that Moe and Larry.

Good. Good!

All aboard.

Sailing Express leaving from Cloud 49.

Bound for the Big Dipper.

Mars, Venus, the Earth, and Cucamonga.

Board!

You'd better hurry if you want to catch that train.

I'll catch that train, but I've got to do something here first.

You see that?

Goodbye.

Listen,

you old rain cloud, why don't you look where you're going? I had the right of

way.

the idea.

You think you're in California?

Gee whiz.

Cut

it

out, Uncle Mortimer.

The stooge, being of unsound mind, do hereby prove it by leaving all my

possessions to my cousins, Moe and Larry.

Share and share alike.

This is all of poor Shemp's worldly goods.

$140 to be divided equally between you. Poor Shemp, he left us all his money.

Money? I got that.

It's a good thing you hit me with money, or I'd resent that.

Quiet. We've got to divide this dough up fair and square.

Say, there seems to be some more in here.

Wait a minute.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

140 smackers. That makes 70 bucks for you, Larry.

One, two, three, four.

Robber. Say, tell me, how old do you have to be to collect your old age

65. 65.

66, 67, 68, 69, 70. There we are.

Hey.

Your pile is bigger than mine.

Here's where I start reforming you, mister.

Why don't you watch what you're doing?

What are you talking about?

You know what we're talking about.

Yeah, you blew the money right off the desk.

I'll divide it this time.

That's better.

I think you gypped me.

You've been picking on that little guy long enough. It's about time you got a

dose of your own medicine.

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

I didn't do nothing.

Oh, no, wait. Oh, mass, you! Hey!

That's enough of this nonsense. Pay me my fee. I've got a luncheon date. Oh,

yes, your fee. How much is it?

$150.

Why, Shemp only left us $140.

I'll take it.

Are you sure this is all you've got?

That's the last red cent, Mr. Fleeceham.

See?

Any other lawyer would have taken the case for $20.

Oh, is that so?

That's what I call easy pickings. Are you telling me?

Well, be seeing you later, chump. Don't stay in the office too long, dirty

crook. You mind if we breathe?

Dirty crook. Well, I did it with flat broke.

Got a dime for coffee?

Say, I had some airmail stamps.

Well, what do you know?

I know you're trying to jip me again.

Mo, I wasn't trying to jip you. I thought I had a couple of... Mo?

Yeah? You took my money, didn't you?

Yeah, sure.

My pocket was empty, wasn't it? Sure.

Well, what's this?

Hey, there's something funny going on around here.

I got it.

You know, Shemp said he was coming back to Earth to haunt us.

Ah, let him come.

I ain't afraid of that fathead.

Oh! Oh!

Mo, why'd you hit me before?

I didn't touch you.

That's what I was afraid of. Shemp's here. It's him. This ghost just hit me.

Oh, I ain't afraid of ghosts. Stand aside.

I'll prove it. Keep your hands in your pocket.

Shemp, if you're around here, give me a smash on the chin and convince me.

Oh, I'm

convinced.

Well, things are looking up.

Well, so far you boys have had easy pickings, eh, what?

We certainly have. You know, we've made a small fortune thanks to you.

I must admit that I did give you some devilish good ideas, eh?

Sure thing.

Now, if we can only get the DePices to buy our phony fountain pen invention for

$50 ,000 today, we'll be on easy street. Yeah, and when the DePices see a

fountain pen that writes under whipped cream, they'll fall for it like the

suckers did.

You know, you've been very kind to us. Now, what can we do for you?

Oh, don't worry.

When the time comes, I'll let you know.

This guy must be in too high an income tax bracket. Well, uh, good day,

gentlemen.

Goodbye, Mr. Heller.

Here's where I really start reforming you two.

Well, a toast to easy money. Toodle -oo, skip the gutter, break your leg.

Hey, what's the big idea?

You did it and you're asking me?

I didn't do it.

It was Shemp. He's come back to haunt us again.

Shemp, if you're really here, give us a break, will you? But no tricks.

Oh, no?

Shemp, where are you?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Hey, that's the depositors. Get ready.

I'll get the invention.

Here is our invention.

Well, I'm dying to be the first one to see a fountain pen right under whipped

cream. Indeed, so am I.

Now you take the fountain pen and place it... In here.

And put the paper in thusly. And pour the cream over all.

Now turn the motor on to low.

Low.

It must turn slowly.

Otherwise, it would overflow.

Now would you care to make out your check for 50 ,000 now or later?

Yeah.

What next?

A towel.

I'd like to have a towel.

Oh.