Original subtitles

I tell you, Jim, we've got to do something about this report.

Three of our delegates smell a rat.

We'll have to kick them out and get new ones.

If Edgar isn't elected president, we'll never be able to make that oil grab.

You're right, and we've got to get that oil by hook or crook.

What we need are three delegates who are too dumb to think and who will do what

we tell them. Now, where do we find such guys?

Come in.

Sorry to disturb you, boss, but we've got to clean the joint. It'll only take

few minutes.

That's all right, boys. You won't disturb us. Thank you. Right?

Oh, come on.

That's the wall the boss wants clean.

If they're half as dumb as they look, I think we've found our men.

Wash the wall and don't spare the water.

Right.

Get out of here.

Get that squeegee and get busy, you porcupine.

Okay, okay, kid, relax.

Nothing's going to happen. Where's the sponge?

Here it is.

Oh, thanks.

It's a big one, isn't it?

Oh,

no. Oh,

no. Hey, what's the idea of sponging on me? Why don't you mind your own

business?

Oh, oh.

See that? Yeah.

He broke it. He broke it.

Hey,

you've got a hangnail. You know a hangnail, eh? Yeah.

You didn't get it all. There's another one.

Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow!

Bow! Bow!

Bow

You don't know.

To coin a phrase, it's yours to pay and you're stuck with it.

Get it? To pay? Stuck with it?

There, you idiot.

Those stupid idiots.

How dumb can guys be?

Relax, Jim, relax.

They're just what the doctor ordered.

Hey, boys, come here. Hurry.

How'd you boys like to make a lot of easy money? You name it, we'll do it.

We'd like you boys to be delegates at the presidential convention.

You're a cinch, boss.

We know all about conventions.

We've seen them on the television.

Show them, boys, and peck it up like you're at the convention.

All right.

We're at the convention. We're at the convention. The hall is a bedlam. The

people are milling about. It's impossible to move.

Everyone is shouting and talking hysterically. You have to elbow your way

through the crowd. We scream and holler and above the din roar, our voices blast

out. Vote for the one and only. That fearless, that honest man of the people,

the people, for the people and against the people.

So let's...

shall we vote for? Vote for that Ham, uh, Ham and Dagger.

The place is in the bedroom.

Trumpets are blasting.

They're off and running around the far turn.

White Sox is out in front.

Cardinals are running close by. The Giants are coming up fast. He's coming

again. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You're at the wrong convention.

Ham and Dagger wants your vote. Chow his praises from your throat.

You'll eat steak instead of stew.

What's the delegate's name?

Geronimo, from Rico Porto.

How many votes?

Two. Two? Yeah, two.

You got your reason. Get out of here. The convention is getting out of

Will the sergeant -at -arms please clear the aisle?

Order! Order!

Out of the estate and French fries.

You're out of order. Get out of here.

We're going to this convention like soldiers.

Fall in!

Since I ever set the food up, I'm dying for a cup of coffee. Me too.

Call me some coffee too.

Oh, my foot is killing me.

Why don't be quiet?

I was just thinking.

It's a lucky thing we found out Hamminger was a crook before we voted

Yeah, and won't Wickburn when he finds out we're not going to vote for his

candidate?

Say, boys, we'd better caucus.

Not me. All day long we had a rump session.

And now you want me to caucus?

I'm going to have my coffee. Go caucus yourself.

Uh -oh.

Oh. Well, I'll fix that.

I got a hot eye. I heard a hot feet, but never a hot eye.

I'll fix this, all right. I'll fix this.

There we are.

That's better.

Hey, fellas, I finished my nomination speech. Listen.

Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen, fellow degenerates, delegates,

in these sordid and morbid times when our national economy is at stake, And

steak is $3 a pound.

There is a crying need for a man of destiny to step forward.

What our country needs is tax reform and land reform.

Instead, all we get is chloroform.

Shall we continue to remain asleep?

Little pieces of confetti out with the scissors.

Well, they're scissors.

They don't use the scissors, you dope. No?

No, a razor blade.

Oh.

How much money did Stewart's manager give you for your boat?

Fifteen hundred dollars.

Then we can buy a yacht.

And go fishing.

Yeah, you got worms?

Yeah, but I'm going anyhow.

Say, something smells strong around here.

Well, don't look at me. I changed my socks yesterday.

Congratulations.

eat. I'm hungry.

Me too. I can eat a horse. Don't look at me. I said a horse, not a jackass.

Come on, get busy.

Okay.

What are you screaming about?

Go on, carve the turkey.

I can't. This thing isn't cooked.

How do you know?

I jabbed it with a fork and it hadn't helped.

Stand aside, lame brain. I'll carve it.

What are you trying to do, starve me? Get over there.

Why don't you quit playing? Carve that turkey.

I'm scared to touch it.

Scared? You're crazy.

Look at that beautiful breast.

No wonder you can't carve it. It's ticklish.

Hey, maybe a little seasoning will tenderize it. Pass me the black pepper.

That ought to do it.

Gesundheit.

idea. I'll stuff the turkey with crackers, let him soak up the gravy,

eat the crackers.

Smart boy.

Let me fix that. You're losing it. Hey, we better hurry, because if we don't get

there in time, we'll miss the whole... That's

funny. I had a cracker in my hand, and before I knew what happened, the... Quit

stalling. How about those crackers?

I can't do anything.

This turkey keeps grabbing the crackers out of my hand.

You're crazy.

Next thing you'll tell me, it's walking.

Wait a minute, I'll kill it.

I'm sorry, Moe.

Why, you... Where'd he

go? He went that -a -way.

Invention.

Show.

Come on, we'd better hurry up. Yeah.

Let's go.

All right.

Come on. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? What do you mean, what am

I doing?

And now to recap the voting.

It is the 65th ballot and the score is tied between Hammond Egger and Abel Lamb

Stewart. There's some excitement on the floor, ladies and gentlemen. Just a

minute, please, until I check on it.

Where are those?

idiots. Why don't they cast their votes? That'll put us over.

The three delegates from the 8th, 9th, and 10th District have just cast their

votes. Oh, boy, that's us. We're in the bag.

A great upset. A great upset. The three delegates who were committed to Edgar

have switched their vote in favor of Stewart.

Stewart is the nominee for president.

Those dirty double -crossing rats.

Come on.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, we sure put that over. Yes, sir. We're going to be set for

life. Just say nothing of the...

make you Secretary of Defense.

Thanks. And you Secretary of the Inferior. Thanks. And I'll be

General. If you live long enough.

That's a nice crack to make. I didn't say anything.

Me either. But I did.

Why don't you mind your own business? Then we'll all get...