Original subtitles

Yes. Yes. Oh, yes.

Yes.

Shemp is not.

Oh, Shemp is.

Oh.

Miss Jones, bring in the earthly report of my nephew, Mr. Shemp.

Shemp, there seems to be some mix -up regarding your eligibility to enter

portals. But, Uncle Mortimer, I... Is this what you want, sir? Thank you.

Bad Uncle Mortimer?

I hope you brought your asbestos suit with you.

Asbestos suit?

Gosh, no. I wouldn't eat it up here. I... No, no.

Look, what did I do that was wrong?

I wouldn't know, having died before you were born. But your report shows that

you and your cousins, Moe and Larry, have been pretty bad boys.

Oh, well, I'll be on my way.

Get me a pitchfork and a red union suit, and I'll go.

Wait.

I'll give you one chance.

Go back to Earth and reform Moe and Larry, and you can come back here for

Gee, thanks. I'll reform that Moe and Larry if it kills me.

Hey, that doesn't make sense.

I'm already dead.

You realize that they will not be able to hear you or see you.

They won't be able to hear me or see me? That's great.

That's perfect.

File this report, Miss Jones, until Mr. Shemp returns from his earthly visit.

Oh, by the way, my nephew, Mr. Shemp, my secretary, Miss Jones.

How do you do?

Charmed.

Now, the depot was down this way one block and one block to your right. Gee,

thanks.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye, she says.

If I leave now, that proves I'm dead.

Well, goodbye.

Listen,

you old rain cloud, why don't you look where you're going?

I had the right of way.

being of unsound mind, do hereby prove it by leaving all my worldly possessions

to my cousins, Moe and Larry.

Poor Shemp's worldly goods.

$140 to be divided equally between you.

Poor Shemp, he left us all his money.

Money?

Oh, Dad.

It's a good thing you hit me with money or I'd resent that.

Quiet. We've got to divide this dough up fair and square.

Say, there seems to be some more in here.

bucks for you, Larry.

One, two, three, four.

Say, at what age did you graduate from grammar school?

18. 18.

19, 20, 21, 22.

Robber. Say, tell me, how old do you have to be to collect your old age

65. 65.

66, 67, 68, 69, 70. There we go.

Here's where I start reforming you, mister.

Why don't you watch what you're doing?

What are you talking about?

You know what we're talking about.

Yeah, you blew the money right off the desk.

I'll divide it this time.

That's better.

I think you gypped me.

You've been picking on that little guy long enough.

It's about time you got a dose of your own medicine.

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

Well, I didn't do nothing.

Why, you... Oh, no way. Well, miss you. Hey, that's enough of this nonsense. Pay

me my fee. I've got a luncheon date. Oh, yes, your fee. How much is it?

$150.

Why, Shemp only left us $140.

I'll take it.

Are you sure this is all you've got?

That's the last red cent, Mr. Fleeceham.

See?

Any other lawyer would have taken the case for $20.

Oh, is that so?

That's what I call easy pickings. Are you telling me?

Well, be seeing you later, chump. Don't stay in the office too long.

Dirty crook. You mind if we breathe?

Dirty crook. Well, that did it. We're flat broke.

You got a dime for coffee, eh?

Say, I had some airmail stamps.

Well, what do you know?

I know you're trying to jip me again. Oh, Moe, I wasn't trying to

jip you. I thought I had a couple of... Moe?

Yeah? You took my money, didn't you?

Yeah, sure.

My pocket was empty, wasn't it? Sure.

Well, what's this?

Hey, there's something funny going on around here.

I got it.

You know, Shemp said he was coming back to Earth to haunt us.

I let him come. I ain't afraid of that fat head.

Oh! Oh!

Moe, what'd you hit me for?

I didn't touch you. That's what I was afraid of. Shemp's here. It's him. This

ghost just hit me.

Oh, I ain't afraid of ghosts. Stand aside.

I'll prove it. Keep your hands in your pocket.

Shemp, if you're around here, give me a smash on the chin and convince me.

Oh!

Well, I'm not.

Shemp, if it's really you, do something else to prove it.

See, he ain't here.

I say, Lord Larrington.

Oh, there you are, Sir Mowington.

Chitty -o, pip -pip, and all that sort of rot. Old thing, old stuff, old

fishmonger, old skunk bait.

You don't have to overdo it.

Well, we're trying to be elegant, ain't we? Yeah.

Say, where's that butler of ours?

Oh, Spiffingham.

Cheerio, sir.

Sir? Is everything in readiness?

Yes, sir. Thank you. Thank you all.

You know, I'm worried. I hope this little scheme of ours works out. It had

better, after we spent all of Shemp's inheritance to rent this apartment, get

these suits, and hire that butler.

Well, we had to do something to impress the De Peisters.

After all, we're trying to sell them that phony fountain pen invention of

for 50 grand, ain't we? And how?

Say, why would anybody want a fountain pen that writes on the whipped cream?

Well, a fellow can be on the desert where there ain't any water to write on

candy. Yeah, I never thought of that.

I sure hope that the Peisters will be impressed with our butler.

If you have a butler after I get through giving him the business.

That's funny.

I'm sure I heard that doorbell ring.

Uh -oh.

If someone's in here, how come I can't see them?

If they ain't in here, then this hat and coat's out for a walk by itself.

Uncle Mortimer, let him hear this.

Okay.

Get out!

Gesundheit.

Who am I, Gesundheit?

Wait till we get our hands on that 50 grand.

Here's to success with the DePeisters.

What's the big idea?

You did it and you're asking me?

Quiet. I didn't do it.

Moe, it must be Shemp. He came back to warn us.

Shemp, if you're in this room, give us a clue, will you?

But no tricks.

Oh, no?

Hat and coat belong to either one of you.

Oh, no. Those belong to our dear dead cousin.

Did you say dead?

Yes.

And if he's dead, who gave me this hat and coat?

His ghost.

Says which?

Oh, that must be the Depicters.

Spiffingham, answer the door.

No, sir, that might be that ghost.

It can't be the ghost. He's right here in this room. Maybe alongside of you.

Fate, why don't you get going?

Yes, get going and answer the door.

I'm going, but my heart ain't in it.

Fate, hurry up. We better clean up.

Come in, folks.

Why, you look as if you've seen a ghost.

Mister, you don't know the half of it.

See plots we shall return momentarily a what

Yes,

I

got rid of him now to see that that the prices don't get chipped Here

is our invention Well, I'm dying to be the first one to see a fountain pen

under whipped cream.

Indeed, so am I.

Now you take the fountain pen and place it in here.

And put the paper in thusly. And pour the cream over all.

Now turn the motor on to low.

Low.

It must turn slowly.

Otherwise, it would overflow.

Now, would you care to make out your check for 50 ,000 now or later?

Yeah.

This is preposterous. What next?

It's working out.

I think they'll turn.

we invented a fountain pen that writes under whipped cream.

Under whipped cream.

There's your whipped cream.

And there's your fountain pen.