Original subtitles

Pancakes again?

Better than those dry, overcooked pancake wannabes.

Waffles are far superior.

Little squares for filling, crispy edges for crunching. And don't get me started

on whipped cream.

Just FYI, the witty banter?

Seriously annoying.

So, Crest goes on their first official date tonight.

What is a Crest?

Craig plus Beth equals Crest.

They like to combine celebrity couple names for some reason.

Crest sounds like a cat bringing up a hairball. So bad, right?

I had no idea people cared so much.

Thank you, ladies.

Wait, was that a paparazzi?

I don't know. I am part of Crest, so maybe.

And, oh, by the way, I think paparazzo is singular.

Paparazza? That sounds like an old Italian rat.

Paparazza. The banter? Bill, no.

Big no.

Anyway, that looked weird.

He's probably only here for a quick pic, and then you go back to L .A.

And you, uh, you got a little syrup there.

Ah, crap.

Your grin looks more evil than usual.

What are you up to?

Just playing with my new top -of -the -line camera drone.

Nice. Yeah, it has super long range. I can control it from my bathroom.

And I have.

Ew. But can I borrow it?

After it's been sanitized?

It'd be perfect to take pictures for the map I'm making.

Map? For the Star Falls Tourism Board. How could you be young and use the words

tourism board?

I volunteered to make the map. I love cartography.

Cartography? It's the art of map making.

Again, young.

Maps are awesome.

Last time our town was documented, there were no roads, no buildings, and the

map was on a piece of bark.

Boring.

Anyway, no, you can't borrow it.

Drones are for the 3Ms.

Mayhem, madness, and... Map?

No, me. The one who causes the mayhem and madness.

Check out today's victim.

No! Why?

Grip the leash a little lower. Good practice for you. For my future as

who gets dragged around by large dogs?

Yeah. And as your granddad says, it'll put hair on your chest.

I don't want hair on my chest.

Yeah, I know. It's a weird thing.

Here, let me help.

Thank you.

Okay.

Oh, no.

Please don't see the squirrel. Please don't see the squirrel. Please don't see

the squirrel.

Perfect!

Seriously? So I guess he's not exactly headed back to L .A.

I don't know.

Hard to tell with mud in my eyes.

He's at the diner, all mixed -race,

apparently next to mud puddles. Oh, that explains all this.

I was wondering why you'd do a mud mask without me.

These terrible pics of my mom are all over the internet.

These are not good pictures.

Uh, duh.

Well, Vince can be sneaky.

What? Vince?

Wait, you know the paparazzi guy?

Yeah, we go way back.

Like, since I was in diapers.

Literally, I was a baby diaper model.

Some of my best work.

Well, he's gotta go, because he's driving my mom nuts.

I love when he jumps out of bushes, dumpsters, mailboxes. He's kind of like

paparazzi whack -a -mole. Wish I had a giant hammer.

Anyway, he's here because Craig Brooks is dating a non -famous, totally

but sweet marine biologist.

That's the story.

She's a vet.

Still a good story.

And you better get used to it. If our parents are going to get married, the

will be around all the time.

Making a fix. Say cheese.

Oh, right. I'll just let you clean up first.

Sometimes parents need a little help.

So we're helping ours get together.

My mom, my best friend. Her dad, huge movie star.

And things might get a little crazy.

Okay, a lot crazy.

But that's just life in Starfall.

Wow, that was a quick date.

Ooh, you got fenced. Yep, again.

Might be time to consider a bib.

Understood. Not the time for jokes. Again, I'm so sorry about Vince.

It's not your fault. But it must drive you crazy dealing with the paparazzi all

the time. It's just part of my life.

Dating -wise, it hasn't been an issue since the women I go out with are used

it. Actresses, supermodels, actress -slash -supermodels.

This isn't helping, is it?

Not especially.

Is that gravy?

Beef or chicken? Wait, chicken, right?

Mushroom. Ew, how...

even a gravy.

Well, since we have to leave before dessert, I'll make us something. Just

nothing but sauce.

Oh, this whole paparazzi thing is so annoying.

Plus your dry cleaning bills are eating into my college tuition.

It was just one guy. What if it never stuck?

Okay, relax.

Breathe it out.

It's not that bad.

I'm sure you'll get used to it, just like Craig's past girlfriend.

You know, the actresses, the supermodels, the actresses slash

I'm not helping, am I? No.

It's just... Maybe dating Craig isn't such a good idea.

Now where are you hiding, Phoenix?

Wait.

What is that?

Okay, that is not Phoenix.

We gotta get rid of Vince. He ruined Crest's date. He showed up at the

restaurant, took pictures, and stole their garlic bread. Which I'm less

concerned about, but still, not cool.

Okay, so this isn't a nightmare?

It is a nightmare.

It is? I thought I was awake.

You are.

Diamond, focus.

Okay, I'm awake.

I think.

And if you're serious enough to stare at me like a creepy doll from a horror

movie, then you're serious.

I am creepy doll serious.

No need to freak. I got this.

I'll just ask Vince to leave and go back to L .A. He'll listen. to me. We're

total friends.

Oh, you're serious. No, I will not stop taking pictures of Cress. Come on. I'm

asking you as a friend.

Oh, well, if you're asking me as a friend, then absolutely I'll stop.

Really? No!

Well, I guess there's no point in asking you to stop being a jerk. Hey, taking

pictures, being a jerk, kind of my job.

Oh, and Diamond, sweetie, we're not friends.

Okay. Ouch.

I was just being your buddy to get the pictures.

You are more naive than I thought.

And you're more of a jerk than I thought. Don't take it personally, okay?

journalist. We do whatever we have to do to get this story.

Journalist? Ha! More like... Jerklist!

Jerklist!

That is funny!

I like that. We should be friends.

Kidding. Later!

One structurally sound tangerine pyramid.

Isn't it amazing how a tangerine can be a tangerine and so much more?

Or it could just be a tangerine. And therein lies the beauty.

Hey, you'll never believe this.

Dropped your germ remote in the toilet again?

Yes, but not that. I saw a giant hairy beast in the woods. A Sasquatch? Bless

you. No, Sasquatch.

Bless you. No, like a Bigfoot.

Really? You saw it? I thought it was just a legend. I didn't get a picture,

I swear I saw it.

Too bad.

No one's caught it on camera before.

You get big money for that.

Then I'm going to get it on my drone camera.

You'll excuse me.

Well, if it keeps that drone from chasing me down alley, I say bring on

beast.

Dude, listen up.

Want to know a secret?

I want you to meet a friend of mine.

Wait.

I'm making first contact with a woodland beast.

I should be honored.

Why did you choose me, Sasquatch?

Why?

You should have seen the look on your face.

Just when I was on the verge of interspecies communication.

I need your help.

You have to stop Bo from getting a clear shot of Sasquatch. Why?

I need him to follow me, Sasquatch, all over Star Falls.

That way, I'll get my awesome map done.

I don't know proof of a map. They draw borders between people.

But if I can turn the cosmic tables and get karmic revenge on Bo...

So yes?

Big yes.

And then he said we were never friends.

What a jerk.

Yeah, I called him a jerk -a -list.

You know, because he's a journalist and a jerk.

Oh, yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, thanks.

Anyway, he said that he's not going to leave Dad and Beth alone.

Jerk -a -list.

Oh, no.

Vince is making her totally paranoid.

Coffee. Let's go. Quick.

Okay, Beth, who's in disguise for some reason I don't care about.

What? Leave me alone, Vin.

Um, that was the door.

Hey, wait. You forgot your change.

And your coffee.

Oh, well. More for me.

We gotta do something.

Now. We need a plan.

Okay, so the plan's called Project Don't Let Cress Become Just Beth and Craig

Again. Wordy, but gets the point across.

Agreed. And just pitching instead of Cress, maybe Cray -Beth?

I don't hate it, but no time to discuss.

We need to focus.

Yes, ma 'am.

Aw, so cute!

Step one, plan a covert date for Cress.

Yes, a secret date will give him alone time. Step two, create a diversion for

Vince.

One of us will dress up as my mom and send Vince on a duck -duck goose chase.

Isn't that the game where you sit in a circle?

A wild goose chase.

Yes, that's it. Okay, I'll play your mom.

Hi, I'm Beth.

I like animals and... other stuff.

Wow, you've learned so much about us.

I think I'll play my mom.

Step three, terminal time for Vince.

Terminal? As in... Exactly.

The Star Falls Bus Terminal.

Oh. That's a lot scary.

Anyway, we'll trick Vince into boarding a bus to Pittsburgh.

You'd have to be tricked into going to Pittsburgh.

I've heard it's lovely, especially in the summer. They have nice rivers and...

Anyway, once Vince is on the bus, he'll be whisked to the Steel City and out of

our lives forever.

It's the perfect plan!

So, a bus leaves Star Falls for Pittsburgh at 4 o 'clock today.

And a train leaves Boston at 6 o 'clock tonight, going twice the speed. What

time do they pass?

10 a .m. tomorrow.

Wow, really?

No!

Now let's get to work.

Project Don't Let Cress Become Just Beth and Craig Again starts now.

We should work on that title.

Totally.

Aha! Now I've got you.

Stop moving around, you beast.

Hey,

you blew my shot.

What? I did?

I'm sorry from the depths of my soul.

Would these make you feel better?

Yes.

Hi, Craig. It's Beth Mil - I mean, it's Beth.

You know my last name.

I'm going to the bus terminal at the back of the Star Falls gas station.

Then I'm going to take a bus to Pittsburgh to meet you so we can avoid

Okay, see you there, Craig.

Bye.

He's gone. He totally bought it.

What's wrong?

I liked being tall. Come on.

Quick, here he comes.

Yes!

We totally tricked him!

Now our parents can have dinner alone without anyone bugging them.

Want to spy on their date?

You know, just to make sure no one else spies on them.

Totally.

Okay, Fuzzbucket, here we go.

Hey! Sorry, thought I saw a fly.

All right, you overgrown gopher.

Ow, what are you doing?

Oop.

Got the Sasquatch in my sights.

And no Phoenix.

Happy birthday to you. Oh, come on. Happy birthday to

you. Happy birthday, dear.

Bye.

I had that coming.

To Novin. To Novin.

Sophia said they had a plan. I'm just not sure what they did.

Best to not ask questions.

Yeah.

Oh, it's going so well.

We are awesome. Yeah, we are. Oh, sorry, we're not coat checkers. Don't draw

attention to us.

She was saying we're not not coat checkers.

That's a double negative that kills each other out.

So to be clear, we are coat checkers.

I'll just take your coats.

Wait, a 30 -cent tip?

Not cool.

Oh, here comes the food. I'm hungry. Do Coach Icarus eat for free? Would you

shh? Here we are. Hey.

Hey. Hey, what are you... Bitch!

Perfect!

She did it again!

And he really likes garlic bread.

Hey, shouldn't you be on a bus? Yeah, I was until Beth's head fell off and

rolled down the aisle.

I should have known that was a dummy from the cheap red hat.

That hat wasn't cheap.

It was the most expensive thing at the dollar store. Well, see you guys later.

Oh, and here.

There's your tip. Ew!

That guy's the worst. So the worst.

I am the best!

This is just too much.

I know it's annoying, but I promise you'll get used to the paparazzi.

I don't think I will.

What do you mean?

It's just... I'm not sure I want to keep dating.

So our parents seem mad.

Yep, pretty mad.

I'm grounded.

Me too.

I blame Vin. Totally. He's ruining their relationship and our lives.

Our lives. You know, the grounding.

Yes. Grounding ruins lives.

Now let's figure out a way to stop him fast.

Oh, we got it. No buses to Pittsburgh.

Cincinnati? I'll keep thinking.

Wait. That's it.

Thinking. We just have to think like this.

What does Vince want?

Garlic bread. True. But that's not enough.

Oh, a big story.

But right now, let's crash.

Then we need a bigger story.

Something Vince can't resist.

Okay, but like what?

Hey, girls.

Strange.

Agreed.

Wait. I know that voice.

And now I have an idea.

Finally. All alone.

Time to find me that hairy beast.

I wonder if his name is Harry.

That'd be weird.

Looking for me?

Wait, do you speak English?

Or do I speak Sasquatch?

Phoenix? What's going on?

Although this has been immensely reinvigorating for me, I think he's had

Gotcha! Wait, what?

I tricked you into taking pictures of Star Falls from my map.

Angel Bro helped me, so thanks.

Wow. Well played, boys.

Well played.

So if I could just download the pictures from your drone? Sure.

Ten bucks.

That's fair.

Maybe that'll teach you not to use your drone for the powers of evil.

Yeah, right.

Guys, we need your help.

Okay, I just posted online about Dad and Beth going on a picnic.

Vince will be here any time. Good. And I linked it to the local paper. There's

more than one newspaper in Star Falls?

There's the Starfall Gazette. It's three pages long.

And then there's Ginger's weekly newsletter, which includes town gossip,

Ginger's current rants, and a bacon -themed word jumble.

I also brought some garlic bread to lure Vince.

Yeah, while I know he likes garlic bread, I don't think that's what makes

magically appear.

Well, I can't argue with results.

You're not Beth.

What was your first clue?

You're a kid.

That's all right, I'll just...

Shoot you until Crest gets here.

What on earth is that?

Ah!

I think it's the shortfall of Sasquatch. Yes, the mythical woodland beast.

Sasquatch? This is a huge story.

I can finally become a real journalist.

More like jerk -list.

Get it? Because he's a jerk? Yeah, you told me.

I'm going to win the Pulitzer Prize!

Sasquatch is big news. It's all over the papers and online.

Even made my newsletter.

Right above the rant, which is about your witty banter.

Hey!

So!

Admiring my work?

Yep. Too bad it means you've delayed Starfall.

Why would I do that?

Sasquatch and Kreth are here. I'm not going anywhere.

Things are finally looking up for old Vin. You're gonna leave because of this.

What? You've got the hat!

It's just a mask.

Yep. Sasquatch is fake. It's just our friend's name.

But if you leave Star Falls forever, we promise not to tell anyone you were

tricked by a bunch of kids in a fuzzy Halloween costume, which will tell

in your new career as a serious journalist.

Diamond, I thought we were friends.

Yeah, we're not.

Ginger, we're not friends here, Vince. We'll take the bill.

Thanks again for getting rid of Vince.

Not that I condone blackmail. Of course not.

But with Vince out of the picture, now you can keep dating Craig.

I guess.

Maybe. But even with Vince gone, there will always be more paparazzi.

True. But when you love someone, like someone, you put up with stuff.

Like how I put up with you crying over cat food commercials.

Excuse me. And your complete lack of athletic ability. And how when you

you say,

All right, enough.

But I love you.

And in relationships, you put up with things.

Okay, good point. Slightly hurtful, but good point.

And I do like Craig.

Maybe enough to put up with a few pictures.

That's my girl.

After all, I put up with you and your sleep laughing and how you put your

directly in the peanut butter. It isn't about me. It's about Chris.

You know, I think that name's kind of growing on me. Me too.

Oh, no.

Don't look now, but... Please don't say paparazzi.

Oh, no.

The squirrel!