Original subtitles

You're slipping, Riker.

I smelled your aftershave.

Lieutenant Malloy, please.

Malloy, this is Tanner.

I got Riker.

He's here in my office. He's sleeping off an overdose of five -finger

hospitality.

You want him, you come get him.

You don't, I'm going to dump him headfirst into the nearest sewer.

Cotton print.

Very good, Jack.

Okay, Jack, that's a wrap for you. Your call's 4 .15 Monday morning.

Oh, great. In the middle of the night again. Thank you very much. Wait, Jack.

We should discuss your wardrobe for next week. Look, I told you. Wade Wimbrick

is fine. You can handle the rest.

Jack, I almost forgot. Your agent's on the lot. She wants you to wait for her

your dressing room.

Look, I can't deal with it right now. Look, tell her you haven't seen me.

I left an hour ago.

Mom, there is absolutely no way that I can get you into the convention.

All I want is to meet Jack Rayburn. He's the sexiest man on television.

Last year, you said the sexiest man on television was Andy Rooney.

Don't confuse the issue, Rick. You know Tanner P .I. is my favorite show, and

Jack Rayburn is my favorite hunk.

Mom, the only way that you can get into our convention is if you are a licensed

P .I. and a member of the association.

Is Jack Rayburn a member of the association?

No, Mom, but that's the idea. We're making him an honorary member.

Then make me one, too. You and your brother are on the committee.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr.

Jack Rayburn and my mom.

Mom, how about an 8x10 glossy? Would you be happy with an 8x10 glossy?

Only if he autographed it. Consider it done.

Edie Krellman, eat your heart out.

Goodbye, Mom.

Behaving like a teenager.

Have him write to Cecilia from your P .I. hunk and tell him he looks better in

his suede windbreaker than that trench coat he usually wears.

Bye.

I don't believe her.

Well, don't act so surprised. I've never met a woman yet who didn't think that

Jack Rayburn was a hunk.

What are you doing?

Research. For what?

I'm just... I'm going through some old case files.

For what?

I'm just doing some research for a Tanner P .I. script.

For what? I am doing research for a Tanner P .I. script. I don't believe it.

You're actually going to approach Jack Rayburn, our guest of honor, and try and

sell him the true -life adventures of Ricky Simon.

A .J., it could be fate. Don't be surprised if a year from now I'm sitting

big office at a Hollywood studio and you... See

if you get a drive -on.

Every half -baked PI at that convention is going to try to sell me a story.

You wait and see.

You're going to hear enough ideas to last ten seasons. And all of them will

stink. Why do it, boss?

I mean, why go?

Because that lady back there, that barracuda agent of mine, she books me

everything and anything just to get ten cents worth of free publicity.

Then if I back out, I look like a conceited, irresponsible jerk.

Would you listen to me?

Would I sound?

Would you listen to how I sound? I mean, I sound like a conceited, irresponsible

jerk. You're tired, that's all.

I mean, everybody's always grabbing at you, wanting this or that.

It would drive anybody nuts. Look, that is no excuse.

Because I always told myself when I made the big time, you know, I wouldn't

become a prima donna.

Now look at me.

I can't stand being like this.

Come on, A .J., we're going to be late.

Hi, guys. What's shaking?

Ace?

Ace, Brad Street, I don't believe it. How the hell are you, man?

Still bagging the bad guys, Ricko, son. Right.

Well, last we heard, you'd retired to Arizona.

Yeah, Bullhead City.

But I still take a few specific cases.

I just got back from Toronto when I saw the ad for the convention.

Toronto?

Wait a minute. Don't tell me you busted that Canadian spy scandal.

Mama's worried, Rick. You know, top secret and all that.

That's interesting.

Well, you know, I wouldn't have thought the Canadian government would hire a P

.I. on a case that involved national security.

They didn't hire a P .I. They hired Ace Bradstreet.

Man, I wish I'd known you were coming. We could have planned a tribute or

something. Oh, that's not my style, guys. I just stopped to check old Tanner

.I. Yeah, well, everybody knows the character's based mostly on you.

Yeah, it's the same old coat.

Look, it's just like old friends. You want to keep them around.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, hey, here, why don't you sit down? Yeah, yeah, take a load off. Thank you.

Well, so, what's it going to be? You going to stay at the Cotton Plaza?

I don't think so.

Every time I stay at the convention hotel, I never get any sleep.

Phone's always ringing.

Guys wanting to buy me a drink, discuss old cases.

It's generally making my life miserable.

So I figure I'll flake out in my van.

No way.

I'm on a houseboat again. You're going to stay with me.

Much obliged, Rick.

I spend so much time in that van, it's like my second home anyway.

All right. You're still going to need a place to shower and shave. My place is

as good as any. You park right there at the marina. All right. That's a deal.

And if you guys are ever up in Bullhead City, you're welcome to crash at my pad.

Thank you. That's very kind.

Excuse me, guys.

There you go, bud. Good seeing you.

What do you say, troop?

Where's our Hollywood detective?

I guess he hasn't checked in yet.

Well, I'm getting to him first.

Funny, he hadn't ever figured you for a fan.

Who says I'm a fan?

I just want to show him a book I wrote, that's all.

A book?

Yeah. About all those years as an MP in the Army.

Hey, it's great material for Tanner P .I.

I've got enough stuff to last the whole season. Yeah, don't you think that's

just a little bit tacky? I mean, the man is our guest. How's it going to look if

you walk up to him like you're selling dirty postcards?

Yeah, Bradstreet, I'm here.

I've got the other half of the Ben Franklin for you.

You got the location and the room number?

South side, 504, got it.

I will meet you at the bell captain's desk.

Oh, God.

He's gorgeous.

Down, girl, down.

Hey, Tanner, let me buy you a drink. I got a lot of great stories for you.

You are embarrassing me. Shut it up.

Listen, I'll be right back downstairs. I got to go upstairs in just a minute.

I offered to buy the jerk a drink. He don't even blink.

He doesn't look happy.

Well, why should he be happy? He only brings home a couple million a year.

up, Ed.

Makes me want to cry. Ed, shut up.

in his shoes, and what have you got?

You.

Miss Greenwald. Get Jack.

Look, Miss Greenwald, I can't do that right now.

Jack's got a killer migraine.

I don't care if he has a coronary occlusion.

I am his agent.

If you don't get him out here right now, blood will spill, and it won't be mine,

buster.

Sid.

If you have something to say, say it to me.

Testing.

Testing, testing, testing. One, two, three, four.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Testing, testing, testing.

Testing. Those things could get you in a lot of trouble down here. You better

believe it, because a couple of hours from now, they're going to be around

Rayburn's pretty wrist.

Oh, keep dreaming, girl. Keep dreaming.

I already know his room number. He's in 504.

How'd you find that out? I'm a pro, baby cakes.

And I can pick my way through any lock. You wouldn't dare.

Oh, yes, I would.

I'm going in there when he's sound asleep, putting these on him.

Not coming back out until I've sold him the story for Tanner P .I.? That's

disgusting, Diane.

That is absolutely sick.

You have dinner plans?

I hope you're not into humiliation.

No, I get plenty of that at home.

You don't have the guts or the decency to tell me, do you, Jack?

Tell me to my face that you didn't talk to those rats at CMI.

Talk to them, yes.

Sign with them.

No. And if I had...

Hey, Troop, when the hell's the show getting on the road?

Have another martini there, Ed.

This kit, 15 .5 millimeter, 20 exposures, and just in case.

Thanks, sir.

Rick, look, we're running a little late here. See if you can find out Rayburn's

room number and give him a call. Okay.

504.

How do you know that? Oh, pro baby cakes.

Pro.

Baby cake?

I didn't tell him to say it.

Give me Jack Raven, please.

Mr Rayburn?

Good evening, everybody.

My name is A .J. Simon. I'd like to welcome you to this year's convention.

Why don't we start by going over the schedule of the weekend's seminar.

Hey, where the hell is, what's his name?

Tanner. Tanner, P .I. Yeah, he'll be coming right down.

The seminars are going to begin tomorrow morning at 9 sharp.

We'll be starting, thank you, with my own workshop on how to write an

report. Oh, I can hardly wait.

We have a slight problem, folks.

Well, until Jack Rayburn can get down here, why don't we enjoy him on the

in a little something that we've put together, which is great moments.

from Tanner P .I.

Luther,

Luther, would you roll the film, please?

This better be good. I felt like I was taking a couple of doublings down there.

Picture's worth a thousand words.

Hi, guys.

What happened here?

What hit this place? Who hit him? And where's Rayburn? Hey.

Just relax.

If I were a betting man, I'd say we had a kidnapping on our hands.

Oh, no.

Boy, it looks like they sure did a job on his bodyguard.

That's putting it mildly.

Looks like he might have a broken jaw.

Said he opened the door, took a shot in the face.

That's all he remembers.

Now, Tan, he better get some medical attention.

Just as soon as things quiet down. If I take him through the lobby now, 50 PIs,

100 sheets of the wind will be up here trapping over all the evidence we've

Well, Jones, looks like we're going to need a cover -up.

Nixon, leave the room.

Very funny.

I want to keep this mess under wraps at least until the weekend.

I want everything to appear normal.

How is it going to appear normal without Jack Rayburn?

He's sick. He is?

Yeah, he's sick. He's got the stomach flu, and he's confined to his room.

Works for me.

Now you're going to get to throw those jackals downstairs.

No way.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Hi, folks.

Due to an unexpected bowel with the flu, Jack Rayburn will not be able to be

with us tonight.

But we are fortunate to have with us Lieutenant Marcel Brown of San Diego PD,

take it away, Towner.

Thank you, Rick.

of becoming a private eye myself a few times, but I just can't stand to get gum

on my shoes.

Okay, I guess my delivery's a little rusty.

You got that right!

Yeah, my subject for tonight is an important one to PIs and the police

It's the wonderful world of forensics.

So, why don't we start by discussing blood spatter patterns?

How you doing?

I'm fine, I think.

God,

it feels like they hit me with a baseball bat.

I can't believe I blew it.

I never should have opened that door.

The night's been hard enough. Don't make it any worse on yourself.

No, you don't understand how much I owe Jack Rayburn. When I got dumped by the

police department, nobody in the world but Jack would hire me.

You were a cop?

Was, yeah.

Santa Monica.

Until some lowlife shot me three times.

What, they dumped you on a medical disability?

Right into the gutter.

Until Jack heard about it.

God, how could I have let that man down?

Hey, hey, hey, easy.

There's a rear exit right off the lobby.

You gonna be all right?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

Whoa, you all right?

They'll give you something for the pain at the hospital.

Hey, uh -uh, no way. I gotta keep a clear head for this.

Oh, uh, hold on.

You got some trouble here.

Might be bigger than I think.

I'll get back to you.

One of the most interesting forensic questions is how to deal with a

body. A decomp, as we call it, is a smelly, bloated...

It's smart.

Too smart, maybe.

I wouldn't worry about it. He'd take care of himself.

I don't know. The van was locked. He wasn't in it. Well, maybe he got lucky.

He's an old fox, you know.

Easy, guys.

He's in a lousy mood.

You know your problem, Nixon?

You just don't know how to handle him.

One side.

Morning, town.

Morning, hell, it's almost noon. Don't you ever get up at a decent hour?

Uh, well... Never mind the excuses. Just sit down and shut up.

I enjoy your handle on that.

Take a look at that.

Million dollar ransom demand.

Hell, they should have asked for five.

Rick.

Jack Rayburn we're talking about.

Mr. TV, Mr. PI.

Have the newspapers gotten a copy of this ransom demand yet?

No, the studio just got it about an hour ago. They've agreed to keep it quiet

until we figure out what to do.

First thing I do is get Ace Bradstreet to help us out.

Ace Bradstreet, the legend?

You gonna tell me you believe in Santa Claus, too?

Hey, Ace is for real, all right, and he's right here in town.

Rick, I'm sorry to say this, but I think Ace has lost it.

Are you kidding me? Ace Bradstreet's forgotten more than you'll ever know

the P .I. game.

That's what I'm afraid of.

For the time being, let's handle it ourselves.

I'll take care of the investigation.

You cope with your convention.

Okay, uh...

Listen, Tam, I'd like to see Berkson help secure Rayburn's room.

I don't like using amateurs.

He's not an amateur. He was one of L .A.'s finest.

Yeah, that's him.

Why would I ever figure a guy like Ace would go like that?

You know, one time he crashed in the Amazon rainforest.

He must have been 50 at the time.

He walked out carrying the pilot on his back.

What did the coroner say?

Nothing special. Single stab wound punctured his aorta.

No sign of a struggle.

Theories?

I'll tell you one thing. It was no coincidence.

Ace was too good an investigator.

No, my hunch is he got onto the kidnappers.

Got himself killed for his trouble.

Well, here's another little bit of information for you.

Ace Bradstreet was here to spy on Jack Rabin for the National Informer.

Scandal sheet?

Who told you that?

The editor. He called here hoping for an exclusive on the murder in return.

No.

No.

Doesn't make any sense.

Ace is a legend.

He's a legend with worn -out sleeves and probably an empty bank account.

Rick, the man was human.

AJ, better check for an alarm. Are you kidding?

On this hunk of junk? Give me a break.

Look at this stuff. No wonder you had an alarm.

Uh -huh. I told you he wasn't down and out. Look at all this stuff.

It's safe to think it was all bought and paid for by the national informer. Damn

it, there you go again.

Look, Rick, believe it or not, I'm just as interested in finding Ace's murderer

as you are.

Hey, look, I don't care who you are. No one's allowed to see Mr.

Rayburn under any circumstances.

Doctor's orders.

Huh.

You know what I'm thinking?

If Ace had slipped far enough to spy for that rag, maybe he'd have gone a step

further.

Which was?

He heard the kidnapping.

Maybe he tried to put the squeeze on the bad guys.

Oh, great.

First he's a welfare case, now he's a blackmailer. Rick, I'm not judging the

man. I'm just trying to consider all the possibilities. You're forgetting one

thing. Steve Erickson said none of the kidnappers said a word.

So how would Ace know who to hit up for blackmail?

Steve was beat up pretty bad. Maybe he's unconscious part of the time. Where are

you going? I'm going to go talk to Steve Erickson because if he was conscious

and nobody did say anything, you're full of it.

You're full of it anyway, but I'm going to go talk to Steve.

Hey, I used to box.

I know the difference between being dazed and being out.

When I got hit, I saw a lot of stars, but I could still hear.

Nobody said a single word.

So much for your blackmail theory, Sherlock.

And nothing's come back to you about what happened?

Yeah.

Maid? Fresh towels for Mr.

Rayburn? We didn't order any.

I know. I forget to leave them when I clean your room.

If my boss finds out, I will be fired.

Look, AJ.

Another scalp from a belt.

Hi. It's Diane, right?

That's right.

And, um, as long as I'm here, I might as well say hi to the sexiest P .I. in

America. Hi, Diane.

You know damn well who I mean. Now, where is he? Sorry, Diane.

No visitors.

Mucho enfermo. And he's not buying any story ideas.

Hey, if he's really sick...

I can make him feel a hell of a lot better than any of you.

No kidding.

Yeah, really.

Well, you know, as a matter of fact, I'm feeling a little under the weather

myself. Oh?

I hope you die.

Nice, friendly girl.

Has it been like this?

She was number nine, I think.

Any of them get through?

No.

They all make the same mistake.

When I frisk them at the door, they've always got some script or silly story

idea.

What a pathetic bunch of clods.

Trying to peddle their insipid little case histories.

Happens to Jack all the time. No kidding.

Poor guy. Nobody ever leaves him alone.

You know, I've got an idea that might make your life a lot simpler.

Excuse me. Excuse us. We've got a sick man coming. It's all right.

Excuse me? Yeah, he'll be fine. He'll be back in a little while.

How'd I do? You make a great stiff.

Definitely Emmy time.

It's Artie.

What the hell are you doing here? I gotta talk to you.

Look, I'll talk to you out here, I'll talk to you in there, and I'll make up

your mind.

What a thrill.

Drinking Jack Rayburn's booze.

You know, I bet you that bottle costs more than you paid me.

Come on, Artie.

I paid you a hundred bucks to do this to me.

That's a lot of bread to bust up somebody's faith.

All right, look.

I can probably come up with another 50, but you're going to have to wait until I

cover a check.

Why don't we wait until you cover one for a thousand?

See, when I heard there's a dead P .I. sticking up the place, I came and I hung

around the bar.

You want to find out?

A lot of folks think something happened to that hotshot boss of yours.

Will a thousand really do it for you, Artie, huh?

Once and for all?

Why don't we make it two, Steve, and I'm yours for the rest of my natural life.

Don't do that.

Story on license plate.

Along some major musclehead who just waltzed right into Jack Rayburn's suite.

Steve led him in, which is why I got the number. I want town to run it for us.

You know what you're saying, don't you?

Of course I know what I'm saying.

I'm saying Steve Erickson might be faking some of that remorse he's

He might be in this up to his eyeballs.

to say is i decided to come home but boss you can't not now what

i mean is you just got there listen you were a mess when you left you need some

time off look i've made up my mind steve uh in fact i'm on my way back now but

jack i don't understand i thought you were going to go down there for at least

week you know disappear take some of the time off pressure off relax

Yeah, well, you know, after 12 hours of sleep, I couldn't think of much except

all the people I was messing up. And, you know, then we've got the crew

and the air date.

Then you're definitely coming back today.

Well, I was until my rental car broke down.

All right, I'll come get you.

No, no, it's no problem.

I'm just going to need some directions.

Right.

Right, I know exactly where that is.

Okay, listen, give me two, two and a half hours, all right?

Well, Towner came through for us.

The guy's name is Artie Pike.

He's an ex -boxer, low -level leg -breaker.

The interesting part was a footnote on his file.

It used to be a street snitch for Officer Steve Erickson.

Erickson's beginning to smell like last week's mackerel. He just got a phone

call from somebody who made him very nervous.

He's on his way right now to meet that somebody and pick him up.

Like somebody we ought to meet.

Have a transmitter in the truck.

Don't leave home without it.

I need to get to both. I know it's got at least a two -hour drive.

Looks like he's heading to Mexico.

It's fine by me.

Pick up a couple quarts of Don Diablo.

Why? Stripping the decks on your boat again, or is there another contest?

Kent, we're going lost back here.

No,

we're not.

Hang on.

Are you turning around?

Once you're turning around, you almost killed him.

Okay,

here's where we lose you.

Get serious. How are you going to lose anybody in this heat?

Eighth wonder of the world, four -wheel drive.

Oh, God, I'm not for long.

Bye -bye.

Great timing.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, buddy.

What happened to you?

Just a little too much partying, that's all.

Now look, boss.

You sure you want to go back, huh?

I mean, you were a basket case when you walked out of that hotel.

Why don't you just take the rest of the week off, huh?

Hey, better yet.

How about the two of us do a little deep -sea fishing? How's that sound?

Oh.

After the season. It's work time.

You know what they say.

A man has got to do what a man has got to do.

Yeah.

I guess you're right.

I think he's coming back to us.

That means he's picked up his friend.

Those cops have given up on us. Let's go check it out.

Where are you going?

A little shortcut.

It's going to save us about 20 minutes.

Hey, don't worry.

I know this area like the back of my hand.

I used to go camping here when I was a kid.

I think he's turned off somewhere.

Why don't you look for a side road or a turnoff or something?

Here's one.

Take it.

I think you better take another look at the back of your hand.

This is definitely the end of the line.

You're right, Jack.

I'd get out of the car.

What are you doing?

I said get out of the car.

Hey, all you had to do was stay in Mexico a few more days and everything

have been just fine.

I could have collected your ransom and been long gone.

But no, not you. You and your damn conscience.

Well, now I've got to make sure nobody finds your body for a long, long time.

I swear to God, I don't understand it, Steve.

I treated you like a brother.

Yeah, Jack, you're a real prince.

All right.

Tell me why.

You've traveled all over the world with me. We've dined in the finest

restaurants. Yeah, you showed me the good life, all right.

But I don't want the crumbs from your table. I'm not your lapdog.

I want my own.

I'm going to get it.

This is real life, Jack. Remember?

Who are you hit?

I'm not hit.

I am going to damn thorn bush.

Why did you kill Ace Bradstreet? I don't know what you're talking about.

I said why did you kill him?

He ain't got to tell you nothing.

This is Mexico, pal.

The only Miranda they've heard of down here wears bananas on her hat.

I could just leave your guts for the coyotes.

Okay,

okay. Take it easy.

That old jerk.

Just relax.

The guy had the room miked.

He heard Jack leave. He knew the kidnap was a scam.

So can you believe it?

He tried to run me in.

I guess he thought he was Tanner P .I.

No, Steve.

It's just his last hurrah.

His last grab for the moon.

Funny thing is, he was Tanner P .I.

Yeah, but you don't try to arrest someone when you're so old you can't see

feet in front of your face.

Ace would have.

He knew the odds better than you.

Hey, look.

Why are we standing here talking, huh?

If you've got any brains at all, my friend, you must realize I can make you

very wealthy man.

What about me?

Three into a million?

Why not?

I'll tell you why not.

Because Ace Bradstreet wouldn't have approved of it.

And I owe him and my brother an apology for doubting it.

I'm very flattered. I really am.

And I want to thank each and every one of you. I recently learned from...

personal experience how well you all do your jobs so it is with renewed respect

and humility that I become an honorary member of your illustrious organization

thank you

He's always took real good care of the evidence.

Well, I want to thank you both for everything you've done, rescuing me,

my life. If there's ever anything I can do to help you, please don't hesitate to

ask.

Rick, don't. Well, Jack, as a matter of fact, you know, this whole incident

reminds me of...

of a Mexican kidnapping case that I was on a couple of years ago.

And I was just thinking, you know, it would make the basis of a good Tanner

P .I. episode.

You do watch the show, don't you, Rick? Hey, never miss it.

Well, then you must know that we covered that arena the second season.

Here's the story, Jack.

Carol.

Beautiful.

May I talk to you for a minute? Excuse us.

There goes your big career in showbiz.

Just as well.

You in Hollywood, I don't think the world could take it.

I know I couldn't.