Original subtitles

I don't like this.

You're being vague, and every time you're vague, I end up in some kind of

trouble. Where are you? I'm not being vague.

Except that I didn't get a lot of details.

The deal includes an exotic foreign vacation.

There you go. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

You keep talking about an exotic foreign vacation, but you won't tell me where.

A .J., one of the things that really stands out in my memory is the way you

to like Christmas.

What? I was 11, gosh, maybe 12, and Mom said, you know, the reason little Andrew

likes Christmas so much is he just loves surprises.

What do you know? That must be our new client.

Yes? Mr. Simon? Yes.

I'm Elaine Bishop.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. Please come in.

I'm Rick Simon. This is the real brains of the outfit here, my brother A .J.

You'll have to forgive him, Miss Bishop.

He always exaggerates. He wants me to do something I do not wish to do.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

This is my secretary, Mr. McAdams. Ah, Mr. McAdams. Rick Simon, my brother, A

.J. Mr.

Simon. Please, sit down.

Thank you.

Well, I know you gentlemen are both on an extremely tight schedule, so I'll get

right to the point.

Do either of you know anything?

about Bradley K. Bishop?

Bradley K. Bishop. Let's see, that would be Bishop Mining and Engineering,

Bishop Pulp and Paper, Bishop Heat -Resistant Gaskets and Seals. All of a

sudden, we're not so vague anymore, are we?

One of my brother's amazing characteristics, Miss Bishop, is that

storehouse of extraneous information.

I have no doubt that he knows precisely who Bradley K. Bishop is.

But I would much rather hear it from you.

Bradley K. Bishop is my father.

When he was an extremely young man, he did something quite extraordinary.

In 1934, he actually discovered a gold mine.

And that is squandering it, as most people do.

He built a corporate empire.

Brick by brick.

Division by division.

Until now, we manufacture 28 products in four different countries.

He was around 20 when this was taken.

A very young man without a second of formal education.

He knew more about mining than any engineer alive.

Genius is the only way I know how to describe it.

Sounds a lot like A .J.

More of my brother's exaggeration.

Always regard that as a dangerous sign, Miss Bishop.

Call me Elaine.

Both of you.

Well, Elaine, I would be very interested to hear just how all this concerns us.

Why do I have the feeling he already knows?

What I want you to do is to accompany my father on the last great adventure

of his life.

prospecting for gold in the Sierra foothills of Mexico.

That may be your idea of an exotic foreign vacation. Now, until you have

the Sierra, you haven't lived.

Daddy has a map that he drew up 40 years ago.

Now, he's not positive that there's gold there, but it doesn't really matter.

What he wants to do is recapture his youth, the excitement and the adventure

prospecting.

I'd go with him, but I'm running the corporation now.

What I want him to have is companionship and protection.

That's why I've come to you.

Let me get this straight.

You want us to take an elderly gentleman out into the middle of nowhere and

babysit him while he pretends to be prospecting for gold. That is exactly

I'm saying, Mr. Simon.

And for whatever inconvenience it requires, I'm willing to pay you the sum

$20 ,000.

Pajamas?

You're taking pajamas?

Yeah, I'm taking pajamas. Why not?

We're going to be gone a couple of weeks, aren't we? A .J., you don't sleep

pajamas in the boonies. You sleep in your skivvy chores.

You sleep in pajamas if you don't want to ruin your sleeping... Take a wild

guess, Rick. It's a book. The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire? You're

to lug around two tons of book up in the mountains with you? Yes.

I can't put it down, as a matter of fact, because I'm at the section about

barbarians. And I've noticed a very interesting correlation between them and

certain individual to whom I am intimately attached. What is this for?

It's a snake bite kit. Are you kidding me? Do snakes in Mexico play handball

with these?

No, stay put.

I'll answer the door.

Did you pack the pate?

Not yet.

Hello. Hi.

Come on in.

Thank you.

I brought you a little going away present. Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

May I open it now?

Please do.

Hi. You're totally there.

1945?

Well, thank you.

I've been dying to try this.

Well, you see there, aside from everything else, the lady's clairvoyant.

Would the lady be kind enough to share it with me after we get back from

The lady would be delighted and very anxious to reciprocate.

Would you two like me to leave?

Well, maybe you both better leave or you're going to miss your plane.

I've got your tickets in here and a recent photograph of Daddy and a check

$10 ,000.

When you return, you'll receive a check for an additional $10 ,000.

I just want you to get there fast.

Because as I explained, Daddy's already down there making preparations.

He's very headstrong, and that's going to be one of your biggest problems.

He'll fight you tooth and nail to get his own way.

That's why I selected men with the strength to deal with that kind of

temperament.

And in your case, A .J., the sensitivity to understand what this adventure means

to him.

How does it feel to be in love?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that you haven't said word one since we left.

You haven't opened your eyes. You haven't done anything but just sort of

there and go.

All right.

Maybe there's a certain mutual attraction.

A special sort of chemistry that happens ever so rarely in the lives of the rich

and the famous.

Looks run in the family.

Reigns, too.

I mean, I knew, like, that she was sensitive.

Well, no, sensitivity is one of your most recognizable qualities, AJ. That's

reason I paired you two up.

Elaine, baby, came by the office while you were at the dinner.

What?

You said she called. Well, called, came by, she communicated, all right?

Look, if I had told you what you wanted, you wouldn't have talked to me. You

could have mentioned the B. I didn't know the B.

I just had to operate under the assumption that the two of you were

each other. You know, Destiny, Kismet, one of those musicals.

Well, for once in your life, you've managed in your own devious way to do

something right.

I think I see my future father -in -law.

Get the bags, will you?

I'm going to go say hi to Dad.

See, Luke's running the family.

My mother's side.

Hi, Mr. Bishop.

I guess you're the gumshoes my daughter went out and wasted her money on.

Uh, well, my name's A .J. Simon.

This is my brother Rick.

I suppose you two think you're going to babysit me out there in the foothills.

Oh, no, no, it's nothing like that. It's just, you know, we thought you could

use a little help.

Partner?

Partner's a name you earn, mister.

It doesn't belong to greenhorns who came out here because they're getting paid.

Probably a lot more than they're worth.

And I don't suppose she told you what you were really getting into, did she?

Uh, well, uh, she said that part of the job involved sensitivity, and my

brother's real good at that.

You freeze all night.

By 10 o 'clock in the morning, you come fry eggs on a rock.

There's mountain lions out there the size of a Shetland pony.

Scorpions big enough to stop a diesel locomotive.

And, oh, yes, you've probably heard of banditos.

Well, they're for real, gents.

and some of them would cut your ears off for a bottle of warm beer.

That's all the more reason not to be alone.

Wow.

You don't scare easily.

That's a good sign.

All right.

Toss your gear up on here, and let's get going.

Uh, okay. Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Bishop, sir, we've been traveling now

about seven hours.

Don't you suppose maybe it'd be a better idea if we got a good night's rest, got

a fresh start first thing in the morning?

We'd better get something straight.

When I make a decision, there's usually a damn good reason.

You may not like it, nor even understand it.

Chances are it'll keep you alive.

Right. Yes, well, you get no argument from us, right, Rick?

Uh, Mr. Bishop, do you suppose we could put off leaving for about five minutes?

For what?

Uh, we gotta go to the bathroom.

Hey, hey.

The three musketeers.

Four for one and one for nobody.

Those two Americans.

They look very impressive.

Americans are a joke, mate.

They're bloody all of them, controlled by the petticoats of their women.

My dear, dear Lake.

I suggest you study the history of the United States Marine Corps.

It might change your thinking.

I'll make you a little wager, Herr Wormer.

I'll bet you a thousand Deutsche marks that I kill those two Americans myself.

It's a big adventure.

What?

Well, you know, all this. Being out here, man against nature, prospecting

gold. Elaine said that's how you got your start.

AJ, that your name?

Yes, sir. Short for Andrew Jackson.

Well, A .J., short for Andrew Jackson.

When we're on the move, you'd best learn to keep your mouth shut.

Saves energy.

Right.

Wonderful animals, Burroughs.

They haven't got the brains that God gave geese, but sometimes they're worth

more than the gold.

Call this one Truman, this one Eisenhower, and that one Roosevelt,

three favorite presidents.

I had a car I named Humphrey once.

Of course, it wasn't after Hubert Humphrey. It was a character in the

strips named Humphrey that I liked.

Roosevelt said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Eisenhower made the D -Day decision.

And when some music critics said nasty things about his daughter, Good old

Truman threatened to dupe the guy right out on the White House lawn.

I bet you'd have done the same thing for Elaine.

You keep bringing her up a lot, don't you, young fella?

Uh, well, my brother, Andrew Jackson, gets his mind stuck every once in a

Right now, I think his problem is he thinks I'm getting to the age where I

to be an uncle.

This will come as a real shock to you.

My daughter hates my guts.

Mr. Bishop, the sole reason that we're here is because Elaine is concerned for

your safety.

She spoke of you with nothing but love and respect.

She wants me dead.

Finny, caput.

When I tell you something else, it's a package deal.

When I go, you two follow.

Mr. Bishop, what are you talking about?

I'm saying that if you're really here to protect me, you better work out some

sort of rotation for standing guard.

I'm also saying good night.

Look, there's no way you can just lay something like that on us and then roll

over and go winky -bye.

All right, look.

Don't you ever poke me like that again.

I've said everything I'm going to say tonight. Now, you can stand guard, you

go to sleep, you can go to hell for all I care.

Look, I'm tired. I really need some rest.

I'll tell you everything you need to know in the morning.

Nothing's going to happen tonight.

We're too close to town.

Well, I like the way you handled that.

Fast, decisive, and to the point.

Well, we got three possibilities here.

One,

he's trying to get rid of us because he just doesn't want us around.

Two, he's nuts.

Uh -huh.

Three, he's not nuts.

Look, there's no way in the world I'm going to believe that Elaine's trying to

kill that old man.

Just on the outside possibility that there might be a grain of truth in what

he's saying.

I'll stand afoot. Watch.

What, Rick? Are you nuts? Are you trying to tell me you actually believe? A .J.,

the man has given us some information here tonight we can't just ignore.

Now get some sleep.

Don't blow my head off when I wake up. I'd like to live long enough to be the

best man.

What have we got?

Company.

It's a friendly -looking bunch.

Suppose there could be hunters?

Head hunters.

I saw those four check into the hotel.

One of them is a German.

Another sounds like he's from down under.

I guess maybe we'd better be hearing that explanation you promised us last

night. Let's do it on the move. We've got to get to higher ground. They'd

cover up there.

Let's do it right now.

My daughter wants me killed.

Do you think that's easy for me to say? She wants me dead because she wants my

corporation, and I won't let her have it.

That's garbage.

If your daughter wanted you dead, you'd give me one good reason why she'd have

hired us to protect you.

Because it would make a much better story to tell at the funeral.

Senile old fool runs off to Mexico.

Daughter hires two detectives to feed him pablum and see that he brushes his

teeth. Bandits kill all three, steal their designer jeans, and leave the rest

the coyotes.

Grieving daughter mourns and wonders how she's ever going to bear the burden of

running daddy's $400 million company.

That's pretty touching stuff.

Who'd ever suspect a wonderful person like that?

I don't believe a word of it.

You will when Fritzie and his boys start spraying you with lead.

Hey.

We'll go to higher ground.

And I'm keeping an eye on them.

But I'm saving one for you.

Hello!

Hello!

What are you doing?

Trust me, partners, I'm calling their hand.

Here! Here! Hey, who are you looking for?

You, Mr. Bishop!

Emergency!

Your daughter wants you!

Tell her I'm in a meeting!

Pretty good shot for a senile old fool.

Jay, just thought of something.

What? You know that Jack Elaine baby gave us?

Ten thousand?

Yeah.

Bet it bounces.

scared rabbits.

Thanks for letting us know you were going to open fire there, partner.

Never mind that. We did it.

Don't find shooting, fellas.

Well, well. Here comes my daughter.

We spoiled her party, boys. When she got here, we were supposed to be buttoned

up in canvas bags.

is going on here, lady. Why don't you tell me that?

I thought I hired professionals. I thought I hired you to protect my

Yeah, your hitman missed him, Elaine.

Your father's still alive. So are we.

That is not my father, you idiot.

Daddy's back at the hotel in town.

What? No, no, no. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to hear your

excuses. Now, a man has been shot.

Someone I sent.

And if he dies, then you're both murderers.

Now I'm going back to town and I'm going to report this to the proper

authorities. And I hope you both have the pleasure of rotting in jail for the

rest of your miserable lives.

Crazy? Okay, you're not crazy.

Neither one of us is crazy. It's just we've been had by so many people, I

even know where to start.

Oh, boy, I wish I could have seen you guys' faces when you found out about

Elaine.

I would have been in sight for sore eyes.

Oh, I guess I owe you an explanation, don't I?

We travel a thousand miles.

We meet some crazy who names donkeys after dead presidents.

We get shot at by mercenaries.

And now we find out that the man you're supposed to be is back in town. Why

should that call for an explanation?

Plain truth is, I'm not Bradley Bishop.

No kidding.

Now, my name's Carter.

Justin Carter.

My friends call me Judd.

Well, we certainly wouldn't want to count ourselves in that select group.

On delay.

Where? Back to town.

Are you crazy? Boy, they'd bushwhack us before we got anywhere near that place.

Sure gives a person something to think about, doesn't it?

Sure, boy. Move!

You better start saying things that make some sense.

Let's go!

Are you feeling all right?

Gold. I know. It's too late to start today, Daddy.

It's a good map.

I know it's a good map, and I promise you we'll start first thing in the

morning.

You muffed it.

You blew it.

They're both alive, and they know everything. They had a tactical

Those things happen.

My chief concern right now is getting medical attention for our wounded man.

have an aircraft, so that becomes your responsibility.

All right, I'll get him to a doctor.

But I still expect you to fulfill your end of the contract.

The contract's changed, hasn't it?

We have an extra person to contend with now, don't we?

Maybe that's something you should explain.

He's an imposter.

That's all you need to know.

Just someone who tried to take my father's place.

Did take your father's place?

Yes, he did.

So now he has to be eliminated along with those two detectives.

They know the plan, I'm sure of it.

Okay, all three of them have to go before we can take the final action.

By go, you mean die.

And by final action, you mean kill your father?

Yes.

Everything's clear.

You sure?

I almost checked the perimeter for half a mile around.

If anybody were out there, I'd know it.

Well, then.

Now that we're all nice and cozy, Mr. Carter...

I suggest you start filling us in.

I guess you'll never understand this unless you know everything.

Bradley Bishop's the best friend I ever had in my life.

He and I grew up together in Bloomington, Indiana.

Just a couple of scatterbrained kids looking for excitement and an easy buck.

And then, one day, one of us read an article about...

All the gold that was lying around waiting for those who were dumb enough

be scared of having their heads blown off.

That is a requirement in certain professions.

For the next five, six years, we drifted all over Mexico and California learning

how to prospect, which is a course only offered by the College of Hard Knocks.

We graduated.

With empty pockets, a couple of bullet wounds, and some god -awful good times

I wouldn't trade for the world.

Anyway,

for one reason or another, we decided to break up.

And believe it or not, in less than a month, that son of a gun made a big

in Peru.

He got rich, he built his empire.

He ended up the father of a bad seed daughter.

Your man's receiving medical attention.

We found a doctor in Hermosillo.

You'll be relieved to know he's in stable condition.

You're an angel of mercy, Miss Bishop.

If I'm ever wounded, I hope you're close.

Look, if you want extra money, it's no problem.

Such a mess.

Messes happen.

And there's no extra charge.

Maybe someday you'll recommend me to a friend.

It's time for my father's pills.

I assume you'll be starting early in the morning.

First light, Miss Bishop.

That's my favorite time of day.

I'm sorry to say it, Mr. Carter, but your story has one gigantic flaw in it.

Call me Judd.

What's the flaw?

The packet that Elaine gave us didn't have her father's picture in it. It had

yours.

That was my nephew put it there. He's that woman's private secretary. A young

fellow named Doug McAdams.

Guy's name is McAdams.

It was Doug who found out about the whole scheme.

He told me, I told Bradley, and Brad would not believe one word.

So, I jumped his claim, so to speak.

I figured that taking his place, playing it through, was the only way I'd ever

get it all out into the open.

Using us as live bait, so to speak.

I'm sorry, but if you and Mr. Bishop are such good friends...

Why didn't he believe your story?

Well, you might say we've had our differences through the years.

He got rich and... Truth is, I got jealous.

He offered me jobs I always refused.

He thought I was ungrateful. I thought he was arrogant.

Put us in a room together, we'd be at each other's throats in two minutes.

But that doesn't mean we still aren't best friends.

I would die for Brad.

And I know he'd die for me.

About two miles away from here.

Obviously looking for us.

Which leads me to believe I didn't know where we were.

That's a brilliant deduction.

Yeah.

So, what do you guys say we hit the trail?

Seven o 'clock.

Ah, they'd be sitting ducks if we had a bloody sniper's rifle.

Wishes aren't hoes, this lake.

And besides, let it ruin all the fun.

Listen, fellas, am I the only one feeling naked around here?

If those guys are any kind of marksmen... Look, they're carrying Uzis

-10. Be lucky to hit us at 150 yards.

Up here, we can see them a mile off.

It's a lovely theory. I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel.

Here you go, Daddy. It's time for your pill.

When?

When what?

The gold.

It won't be long now.

I have to make sure it's safe first.

Do you understand?

Safe. Yes.

Base to mobile. Over.

This is mobile over I'm delighted to tell you we've cited our objective

When can I expect some good news we have to get in close, but believe me you'll

be the first to know I

Don't alarm anybody, but I just

saw a flash being watched through binoculars Exactly one o 'clock

The brown grass at the bottom of the rock face.

Uh -uh.

One of them is having a little trouble.

Well, I guess there's one less to worry about.

Yeah, I doubt it. Life is never quite that simple.

I'm going to head back to town.

Take one of the Burrows.

Why?

Burrow will know his way back better than you do.

Yeah, he's right, A .J.

Take Roosevelt.

Why Roosevelt?

Because he said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

I bet you don't know the single biggest error that's been made in the entire

history of warfare.

Being sober when the shooting starts.

Division of forces.

It's as fatal as taking cyanide.

And you're seeing a perfect example of it right now.

Rosie, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings here, but do you really know

you're going?

None of this looks familiar to me.

Let this be a lesson to both of us, Rosie.

Never.

Never get yourself into a situation that every instinct tells you is wrong just

because of a pretty lady.

Good afternoon.

I was worried about you when you threw this away. I thought you were a goner.

Death from dehydration is not a pleasant experience, my friend.

Much better a quick jump into eternity, which I'm prepared to help you with and

make absolutely painless.

That's very kind of you.

I, for one, have never been quite that considerate.

So much for your separation of forces theory, Herr Vollmer.

What's the plan now?

Numerical superiority.

If my mass serves me, we are holding more weapons than they are.

Judd, you remember back there in the mountains where you shot his hat off?

Yeah.

I'm looking at the hole right now.

Aim about six inches lower than that. If he so much as twitches, create hole

number two.

It's still three to two.

Oh, that's no problem.

See, because while he's dropping you, I'll take out your two pallets there so

quick it'll be mind -boggling.

If it's all the same to you, Herr Vollmer.

I don't think I'm going to put this one to a test.

Just doesn't feel right.

All right, back away from him.

Let's move.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Rick, I must say I'm glad to see your leg heal so fast.

I just had an instantaneous healing, A .J.

Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

We're finally going to meet the real Bradley Bishop.

Excellent. Gentlemen, drink up.

I don't know what you ever saw on him.

Well, I'll tell you the truth, Rick.

I talked it over with Rosie, and I've sworn off blondes that are taller than I

am.

Here, you take these.

I never did like pills.

Judd! Judd!

Of course, I thought she had you fooled. I knew it. She was planning long before

you knew anything about it. Well, why didn't you say something when I told you

about it? I thought you'd ruin everything, and you almost did. Ruin

That hadn't been for me yet. I got yourself killed, you senile old fool.

The man has $400 million.

His company manufactures 28 products in four separate countries, and this is

what he gives us for saving his life.

Wait a minute, Rick.

If this guy struck it rich, prospect for gold, this map could be worth a

fortune.

I agree.

It sounds like something I'd like to do. Mom, you have no idea of the hardships

out there. I mean, it could get so hot you'd fry an egg on a rock by nine in

morning. Ten. Don't exaggerate.

Well, there are mountain lions out there the size of Shetland ponies and

scorpions that could kill a diesel locomotive. How exciting.

I'm in for a share.

Who asked you?

We could make it a family affair.

You could bring Temple, and I'd be put in charge of finding the rocks to cook

the eggs on. I have never seen people so quick to horn in on something in my

entire life.

How's the bank?

Lane Bishop's check cleared.

Great.

It cleared?

Cleared.

Then what's wrong?

Well, her personal corporation has filed for bankruptcy.

They're paying ten cents on the dollar.

Oh.

Well, at least we get a thousand.

Not quite.

I forgot to tell you that the airline called this morning, and we owe them for

two round -trip tickets to Amosillo. It came out to exactly $947.

Wait a minute. You're telling me we went through all this for a lousy 53 bucks?

Not quite.

There were also the bus tickets.

We already paid for the bus tickets.

Well, I paid for the bus tickets.

44 ,000 pesos.

Give me $10, we'll call it even.