Original subtitles

The guy we're looking for.

Mustache, heavy eyebrows.

Little scar like a hook on his cheek.

Don't look now. He's right behind you.

Do you believe in telekinesis?

You look.

I said don't look, and you looked.

What do I believe in?

Telekinesis. Got a little experiment going here. See if I can move that beer

without touching it.

Rick, is that him or not?

Who? The guy we're supposed to meet, Carlos' brother.

No, he's not even close. Carlos' brother weighs 310.

310.

310 pounds, and you've got me looking for little scars.

You know, man, My great -granddaddy Wixom shipped over here in a Packard

Then he claimed our farm in a land rush and then homesteaded the property to

keep the title.

Man, there have been Wixoms on that property for 116 years.

And there will be for another 116 years if I have anything to say about it.

Hey, you made it.

Tell the world, why don't you?

Okay. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it

We are here on a case.

Maybe a soft word on his behalf.

Excuse me.

Are you aware of the penalties for assaulting a member of the armed forces?

He works every time.

Shock Patrol, come on!

Guys, he was just assaulted.

Are you guys friends of his or something?

No.

We're private investigators.

My name is A .J. Simon. This is my brother Rick. We witnessed the whole

This one has a way of making people mad at him. Let's go, sailor.

No, let me go.

I mean, let me go, sir.

What have we got here?

The Iron Maiden thinks of it. Iron Maiden?

I thought that went out with the rack.

Not in an 80.

Lake of the Cedars.

I don't know, Rick. Sounds sort of like a resort condo in Lebanon.

You can probably get some good deals in Beirut right now.

Somewhat less than ideal for your mother's golden years, however.

Yeah, A .J. Simon's residence.

Collect from who?

Whom? Who?

Seaman Billy Wixom.

No. Yeah, operator, we'll accept the charges.

Hey, Billy, how you feeling, sailor?

Mad enough to bust, that's how.

They got me up for possession of cocaine.

Now, can you believe that?

I take it you're innocent?

Shoot, man, the dentist gave it to me once, and I couldn't even chew my food.

You're innocent.

I feel kind of funny calling on strangers and all, but, well, the

charge of this thing is a real bear, Lieutenant Wilk.

And I didn't know what to do.

Yeah. Hey, hey.

Remember, no freebies until the bills are paid. We shook on it.

Billy, can you have visitors there?

No. Well, sure, I guess so.

Oh, good. Well, we'll see you there this afternoon then. Yeah, bye -bye.

Hi. Now, Rick, got in front of Mom.

Hi, gorgeous.

Wish we'd known you were coming.

We just got a client over at the Navy base.

Great. Well, first we'll discuss the purchase agreement, right?

Uh... Actually, Mom, we do have some reservations about Lake of the Cedars.

That's all right. We'll compare notes.

As soon as we get back.

Let's go. This kid's probably some rich Texan who's afraid to let his daddy know

he's in trouble. You know, he'll be great. He'll be.

Uh -huh.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

I got a warning, fellas. I don't have a dime to pay you.

Rich Texan, huh?

No. No, I'm from Kansas. A little farm right outside of Garden City.

These last few years been been kind of rough on mom and dad and and I joined up

right after graduation Just so I could send my paycheck and keep the banks off

their back Rain on the scarecrow blood on the plow you got it Well, the farm

goes up for auction this month. Let's daddy can make the back mortgage And

I've been washing dishes carton trash anything just to scrape up a little

for him That what you were doing in the bar you bet and those guys would beat me

up. They work on the base here

Said they needed a driver to take some blueprints up to L .A. That was 50

Instead, they beat you up and plant cocaine on you.

Do you know their names?

Well, sir, I think one of them's named Smith.

And his good buddy Jones.

No, it's Baker.

Ah, Baker.

Good, Baker. Sir!

I mean, ma 'am.

I mean, lieutenant.

At ease, Taylor.

Who are you?

We're Simon and Simon Investigations. We met Billy at the... Well, if you're

considering getting involved with Wixom, I think you'd better hear us out. Yes,

ma 'am. Anson?

Yes, ma 'am.

Well? Well, what, Lieutenant?

Well, do you have anything to say for yourself?

I, uh... I don't think our client knows what this is all about.

I went to your locker to get you some clean clothes and a toothbrush. I found

this stuff hidden under your dungarees.

Six months of the Navy's time and the taxpayers' dollars we spent to find the

pusher in this unit.

How do you plan to make that up to your country, sailor?

Lieutenant, you don't think that I... Think?

I know.

No.

When I first met Billy, I didn't think he was for real.

He was the first scrub in a long time. We didn't have to teach the word sir.

Still raising him right in Garden City, huh?

You can laugh if you want to, Mr. Simon, but I bunk with Billy.

I went to boot camp with him. And let me tell you something right now. What you

see is what you get. If he was dealing dope, I would know about it.

He wasn't, man.

Chief, did you have him tested for drugs?

Yeah, yeah, it came back clean.

Well, a lot of dealers don't use.

Well, yeah, that's what the court -martial will say.

And that Wilkes is a killer.

She won't hesitate to mention that every guy in his unit knew that Billy was

trying to raise money to save his family's farm.

Well, thank you very much. We appreciate your help. Sure, any time.

Iron Maiden.

Oh, I couldn't believe her.

I don't know, AJ, under all the brass and buttons there beats a heart. That's

solid ice. Yes, you gave me goosebumps.

Me too.

And don't come out until I can't smell you.

Whoa, easy there, ma 'am. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spook you.

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Well, I'm a friend of... Actually, I'm a client.

Well, I'm not really a client because I'm not paying him anything.

But they weren't in their office, so... I look in the book and there's only one

A .J. Simon in the book.

You must know them, too.

Intimately. You still haven't told me who you are.

Oh, Seaman Apprentice William Jennings Wixom.

At your service, ma 'am.

Everybody just calls me Billy.

You must be a girlfriend.

A .J.'s all bet.

If you could bottle that, you'd be a millionaire.

I'm Cecilia Simon, the guy's mother.

Oh, ma 'am.

Some foreigner is going to buy up that land for a song.

Hell, all he wants is the money.

It's American land.

That's my granddaddy's land. It took him seven years of drought and flood to

gain that title, and that gavel bangs, it'll all be gone in ten minutes.

You know, ma 'am, on that farm, we got this old hound dog named Mr. Harry

Barker.

Now, old Harry's blinder than Ray Charles and deaf than Helen Keller.

But you know what?

He gets around that farm like a spring lamb.

He does.

And you know why?

Because he knows every bump of ground.

Every door and step and every corner of that

property.

And I would sooner die than see him bumping into walls and smacking into

I could stick him in some apartment.

Couldn't make it longer.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm rambling on. That's all right.

Not to flatter you, but I haven't eaten like this since I left home.

You have my permission to flatter me all you like.

Come on. Hey.

Billy, what the hell are you doing out of the brig?

Guys, I just couldn't stay there.

This kid is not from Kansas. He's from Mars. Now, wait a minute. I knew I was

innocent. And so I don't belong there. And to prove it, I am to run down Smith

and Baker.

That's our job.

You have to go back.

It's ridiculous. If this boy ever sold drugs, I'm Ma Barker.

Well, that may be.

But the kid is AWOL, Mom, and aiding and abetting him is a federal offense.

Besides which, the woman that's after him, Lieutenant Wilkes, not someone you

want to mess around with.

Once we catch them guys that put me in this fix, we'll make them confess, and

the Navy will understand.

Won't they?

Wilkes was looking for a dealer in your unit, and she thinks she's found one.

Now, once a mind is closed, it's very hard to pry it open again.

A .J., she doesn't want me.

She wants Smith and Baker.

Now, if we go back on that base... Hold, hold, hold, hold. Time out. Did I hear

a we in there someplace?

Well, sure. We go back on that base and make them tell the truth. Now, excuse

me.

If anybody goes back there, it's going to be us.

Alone.

You are a wanted man. If we get caught with you, we all go to the brig.

But, A .J., how are you going to recognize them without me? How are you

know where to look? We've seen them. We will manage.

In the meantime, you do not budge one inch from here. Do you understand me?

sir!

Call me, sir. I work for a living.

Good night, sir.

I got one like that.

You know, somebody went to an awful lot of trouble to get this kit.

Hate these little hats.

They keep the paint out of your hair.

Sorry.

Now, think about it.

Smith and Baker pick their fight, and then they plant drugs on the kid just

moments before the shore patrol happens to arrive.

Kind of convenient.

We're not really going to paint anything. How am I going to get paint in

hair? Pay attention.

What I'm saying is that the setup took careful planning and execution.

Like more than you'd expect from a couple of roundies.

Exactly. Wear the hat.

It's too small.

Your head's too big. Hat's too small.

What'd you pack in the back?

Uh, brushes, a cup of coffee cans, some ladders, you know, just enough to make

it look good. One of the ladders just wiggled.

Never in my wildest nightmares would I have dreamed that you could be so...

Enthusiastic?

That was not the word I was thinking of. You can go.

Oh, AJ.

Rick. Hey, Chief. How you doing? Hi. How are you guys doing?

Never better.

Undercover, huh? Well, yeah.

I love the hat.

Listen, have you guys seen Billy?

You mean recently?

I mean like today.

You went AWOL. No.

Do you realize how bad this makes him look?

I was hoping I could get him off somehow, but now I don't know what I'm

do. Well, I'll tell you what. If we actually lay eyes on him, we'll be sure

tell him.

All right.

See you later, Chief. All right.

So long.

So long.

All sense of security.

Get that thing out of here!

Drop the gun.

Can we talk?

You got the wrong idea here.

My partner and I, we were in pursuit.

Hi, guys.

Tell them, Rick. You're under arrest.

Arrest? For what?

Discharge of a firearm within the city limits. 53 .10 MC.

No, no, no.

Look, see, we were firing at suspects.

Yeah. What the?

We're private investigators.

Do you have a permit for that gun? Of course I have a permit. It's right here

my... My other pants.

Carrying a concealable weapon without a permit.

1225A.

B.

Never mind!

Hands on top of the truck!

What's back here? Nothing. Oh, no, no. Nothing.

That's totally empty, like I said.

We knew that.

We knew that.

Hello? Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, darling.

Mom,

look, we're down at the police station, and we... No, no, town's

off on some undercover goose chase somewhere.

How about Billy? Is he there with you?

No, Billy's not with us.

Mom... Now, I don't want you to worry or anything.

Well, did you get him back to the brig?

No, not exactly.

Mom, Mom, you know, I hate to ask you this.

Well, where is he?

Mom, this is your son. Remember me, A .J., the blonde one?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

What is it you need?

Well, what we need... Just a minute, A .J.

She hung up. Drop your rubber hose, pal.

Miss Diamond.

I don't know how to thank you for all you've done.

You don't need to.

Pick up the phone.

Well, who am I calling?

Just pick up the phone. I have a surprise for you.

Hello?

Mama?

No, I'm okay.

Yes, ma 'am. She is a wonderful lady.

How's Grandma?

Bank what?

Saturday?

But that's the day after tomorrow.

All those bastards!

I'm sorry, Mama. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Mama.

Do you have any idea who might have handled

that harmonica before you found it?

Mills!

Wasn't he the guy with the machete?

Yeah.

I don't get this.

First, our naive, idealistic client does a disappearing act.

Then our own mother won't even listen to me.

Oh, well.

She's probably baking a cake right now with a file in it.

You heard the conversation.

She never even let me tell her what happened.

Besides, don't talk about food.

Yeah, okay, you're right.

Of course, in a few weeks, you'll probably start checking the usual

know, the beer and steer, the emergency room, the morgue. It's just a matter of

time.

Howdy, guys.

Well, our stay of execution finally came through, huh?

I just read the report.

This isn't funny, guys. If it's not funny, why are you laughing?

Okay, it's just a little funny.

I've got the right to see Father Feeney before he turned on the electricity.

Don't beg, it's unbecoming.

Now, how can you guys argue about discharging firearms when you've got a

gun in one hand and no permit in the other? It was in my other pants.

Look, just as soon as we get out of here, we'll straighten this all out.

We can't locate the arresting officer.

Well, pay a lot of sound, we'll locate him.

My job is to put him in here, not to get him out.

Besides, I don't have that kind of money.

Being a danger to the community runs in a big box, you know.

So why don't you just rest and enjoy our comforts?

Enjoy comforts? Town, I don't suppose you've got any other ideas?

Oh, I'll try and think of something.

Try and think of...

Would you play something else?

Anything else?

I just wish there had been some other way to get out of jail. Like what?

Dynamite? Bronco's not my favorite person either, but he did make our bail.

It's just, I feel like washing my hands after I talk to him on the phone. We

need to meet a better class of bondsmen. Other bondsmen don't let you deal in

barter. Just some barter. Now we get to chase Bronco's slimy bail jumpers and

alimony cheeks for the next six months. Don't blame me. Blame Monty, the one who

hung up on you.

Hi, Mom.

The reprobates are here.

We just thought we'd drop by to thank you for leaving us to rot in prison and

ponder the error of our ways.

What's wrong?

It's Billy.

He's here? He was.

He learned the auction of the family farm was set for Saturday. He was

desperate. I gave him the $5 ,000 for my condo deposit to wire home.

He's been gone for over two hours.

That little...

Mom, I hate to say this, but I'm afraid that poor little farm boy from Kansas

has pulled the wool over all our eyes.

I just don't believe that.

Think it over, Mom.

First, he hires us just before he gets charged with a very serious crime.

Then he goes AWOL, comes straight to my house, puts us all on the spot.

Then, despite everything we tell him, stows away on our little trip to the

Disappearing just in time to leave us twisting in the wind for the police.

Of course he rushes back here, relieves you of your money, and then vanishes

again.

He had a logical explanation for everything he did.

Greed. He may have, Mom.

But I don't think the Navy's going to see it that way. They're going to spend

some life in prison.

If we don't kill him first.

Can I help you?

Yes, ma 'am, you surely can.

I'd like to send some money to my mom and daddy.

Five thousand dollars.

And you can count it.

Somehow I don't think that'll be necessary.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Listen, I'd like to send a message along with that, if it's not too expensive,

that is.

For you, today only, no charge at all.

Dear Mama and Daddy, if you asked me how this money got to you, I could only

answer it one way.

Straight from heaven.

You guys get the hell out of here.

You know, a little creep who arrested us said you were working undercover.

Isn't that lying against the policeman's code of honor or something?

It's no lie.

It's a crack deal to work in this park. So if you don't mind, would you, uh...

We're here on official business, pal.

We're looking for an AWOL sailor by the name of... William Wixom.

How'd you know that?

The Navy put in a special request for this kid.

Said you ought to shoot him on sight. What do you do, kill an animal?

Oh, it's a long story.

Yeah. They also asked for the warrants of two local PIs recently released from

custody.

Oh, boy.

You guys are hotter than a $2 pistol.

Hey, you in the back there.

Either get into the class or get out of it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't. Every time I get the exercise,

I just lie down for a few minutes. It passes.

Oh, you can't take it, huh?

I gave Lieutenant Wilkes your office address.

I would also avoid your house and your boat. As a matter of fact, who's after

me? I consider Ensenada.

Hell, I consider the Antarctic. Everybody keep saying that.

Okay, everybody, double time.

That's it. That's good.

You got to help us.

The kid is innocent.

We're innocent.

We're dying.

No way, guys.

We're talking federal case here.

This is a long, long arm of the law. I can't stop. As a matter of fact, come

sundown. I'm going to start thinking where my friendship ends and duty

Thanks for the warning.

Guys, birthday's done.

We want to see your pretty legs.

Back up your mind.

Then oxygen.

Hi, Mom.

Edie. Darling, it's you.

Edie? Does Edie call you Mom?

Oh, of course, honey.

I can't... Talk now. I have company.

Mom, I think your company can wait. It's kind of important here.

Speaking of important, have you seen Rick and AJ?

There's a woman here from the Navy. She's looking for them. I think they're

lot of trouble.

All right, I got you.

Look,

Mom, can you meet us at the Brig Tavern on Front Street in about an hour? We're

kind of desperate.

Oh, Edie, you know I wouldn't miss one of our bridge games.

If you see the boys, will you tell them to turn themselves in?

Bye.

Where are they?

She coming?

Well, that depends.

You play bridge?

You're a strange person, AJ.

I'm returning from AWOL status, sir.

Oh, hell it is, kid.

Why the devil did you make it so tough on yourself?

I had to bail out my mom and daddy.

That's the only reason why I left.

Now I'm turning myself in.

Do you know how much trouble you're in?

Yes, sir, I have some idea.

All right, well, I'll see what I can do for you.

I'll make sure that your report reflects that you came in willingly with a good

personal excuse.

I appreciate that, Chief.

I really do.

Well, you can thank your lucky star as a dragon lady. She's still out looking

for you.

If she were here, she'd carve you up and have you for dinner.

Sorry, Billy.

How do you manage to find these colorful little places?

Rare talent, but years of practice.

Grasshopper, please.

Or what?

I don't think they have grasshoppers here, Mom.

No, no.

Roach's made it, you know, grasshoppers. Bring her a beer.

White wine.

Okay. Wayne.

Any luck finding Billy?

Not yet.

How'd you make out with the Iron Maiden?

Oh, dirty Harry, look out.

What'd you tell her?

The truth.

I didn't know where you were.

What do we do next?

Well, I must admit we're getting a little discouraged.

Ben, the more we hear about Billy, the worse it sounds.

The boy was in a desperate situation, and he made some desperate moves. I'll

admit that.

But he didn't want to cause anybody any trouble.

I seem to recall something about the road to hell being paved. Oh, stop that.

If there's one thing you boys aren't, it's quitters.

You went into this business because you were good at helping people, because you

cared.

Now, that boy has reached out to you, and you can't let him down.

She's giving us pep talk now. I know.

Is it working?

As in always.

I'm going home. He came there once, and if he comes back, I want to be there.

I better warn you, Mom.

We only have till sundown. After that, Billy's on his own.

And the wolves are howling.

But we will do our best.

I sure could use a square meal.

Well, I'll see if I can't scare something up before Wilkes puts you on

in seawater.

Why are we going to the brig?

Oh, well, you know regs, Billy. Right this way.

Once you go AWOL, you gotta go to BMSIC.

BMSIC.

At the base maximum security incarceration compound.

Don't worry, I'll get you released to normal custody just as soon as you're

finished with your IROH.

Huh?

Your internal review officer's hearing.

I don't think you'd be too uncomfortable in here.

This is Mack.

Good.

Now, when he wrapped up in a frame so tight, he'll never get out. Not even if

lived.

There's only one thing doing here that makes any sense at all.

Yeah, I agree.

For the noose of the guillotine. Come on, A .J.

My hands are tied completely unless we get Wilkes to drop her warrants.

Oh, good idea.

I suggest we drive little bamboo splinters under her fingernails until

exactly what we want. Everybody has got this woman all wrong. Now, I vote we

just go in there and we make her understand. We tell her the complete

truth. Are we talking about the same person? The Iron Maiden scourge of San

Diego?

I'll take the noose.

There you are.

I've been trying to reach you guys all day. Have you seen Billy?

Well, I haven't checked under any tarps lately, but right offhand, no.

Well, I just saw him a minute ago right outside of here.

In handcuffs.

The closed -ups will be right back.

Remember the whole truth.

Leave it to me.

We did our best to subdue Billy, but the kid was like a whirlwind.

I've never seen anything like it. I mean, he used martial arts stuff on us.

mean, complicated stuff I've never even seen before.

That Navy basic training does it every time.

I guess it must.

Anyway, before we could do a thing, the kid was on a motorcycle and out of

sight.

I don't believe a word of your story.

You don't? Of course not.

And I don't like private detectives.

You don't? No, I don't. I think they're an undisciplined, greedy lot of

mercenaries. Maybe you just have the wrong mind. Who have nothing else on

minds but lining their own wallets at their clients' expense.

Lady, if you didn't have the power to have us arrested, I wouldn't stand here

and... But obviously you're not that way.

We're not?

We're not.

No, of course you're not.

There's no money in Wixom.

If he's guilty, you'll never get paid. And if he's innocent, he's broke.

We knew that.

We knew that.

Of course you knew that.

And you know what?

I like you for it.

I also really believe that you don't know where he is.

Because you do, right?

You have him in custody.

What gave you that idea?

Well, just my respect for your competence and your persistence and...

The fact that somebody said they might have seen him here.

No, we don't have him. Our search is ongoing.

Look, if I get the police to drop the bench warrant against you two, will you

cooperate and call me if Billy comes to you?

Word of honor. As Boy Scouts.

Yes.

Okay, you've got a deal.

I said snort it!

Snort it!

You keep making it tough, I'll just use a needle, kid.

It's your choice.

Why are you guys doing this to me?

Why?

Because you're going to have an accident.

The shore patrol is going to find you in a stolen Navy vehicle rode off the

beach road.

And the autopsy report is going to show that you were hired in the corn on Labor

Day.

Well?

Sorry, Wally.

She doesn't have any more idea where he is than we do.

She's lying.

I'm a gunner's mate. I have 20 -15 vision, and I saw him come out of that

with Chief Hansen.

Hansen.

He was holding down the fort while Wilkes was out searching.

He was also right there when we went after Smith and Baker.

He was also the one who just happened to find the drugs in Billy's locker.

Hansen's not in this office. Do you have any idea where he would be?

His quarters over there.

I thought the ninth kid Billy was the entire time. In fact, they're not.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I'm going to mail this to E .J.

There's got to be some proof around here someplace.

I think we just found it. I don't care how careful they are, sooner or later

they make a mistake. Richard Simon's law of criminal mental action.

What? I said I just found it.

Speak up, man.

Continental Telegram. $5 ,000. Why, it's going in.

I can read for myself.

Could have fooled me.

Yeah, it's Mom's money, all right.

Time stamped 0915.

At least it proves that Billy actually sent it home.

And it proves you really saw him with Hanson.

Oh, boy.

We better find you fast.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. He could be stashed anywhere. This is a very big base.

I think I know why.

Security, Chief Hanson.

Yeah, Chief, I'm sorry to disturb you. This is A .J. Simon.

I promised Lieutenant Wilkes that I'd call if I had any sign of Billy Wixom.

Yes, what is it?

Well, I'm at my brother's boat, and Billy showed up here. He looks like he's

been in a fight.

What? I say he looks like he's been beaten up.

He's incoherent. He keeps muttering.

Muttering what?

Look, he's in pretty bad shape. I'm going to call an ambulance for him.

No.

I mean, that's not necessary.

We're just down the coast from you. We'll come down and get him.

There's a hospital here on the base.

Well, chief, he's hurt pretty badly. I think time is of the essence here. All

right, look, I'll send a shore patrol boat. That'll even be faster.

Now, don't try to move him. Just stay where you are.

Okay.

How the hell could you let him get away?

Oh my God.

Pardon the expression, chief, but you're sunk.

You hot dog.

You gonna blow the smoke out of the barrel?

You're dealing with pros.

But they're getting away.

No, no, calm down. Watch this.

Telekinesis.

May I?

Oh, be my guest.

Ah, ah, ah.

Thank you.

$48, $49, $5 ,000, and a country boy's heartfelt thanks, ma 'am.

Mortgage is paid, first corn is in, and now you can buy that new condo.

Oh.

Cheers.

My goodness.

Lieutenant Wilkes, is this you?

You look absolutely stunning.

Thank you.

May I call you Yvonne?

I like it a lot better than sir.

Good. Lieutenant Wilkes and I were just going over the fine points of

criminology in the context of the armed services.

Ah, well, that sounds like a barrel of monkeys, but I'm sure Yvonne would be

more interested in art and music, the theater.

Things you know all about, of course.

Well, as a matter of fact, A .J. has a really interesting theory about evidence

and procedure.

Which I taught him all about. Which you taught, I say.

Eleven more units in criminology and I get a second degree. Those who can do,

those who can't take classes.

Spoken like a true Neanderthal. Come on, why don't we go someplace where we can

have an intelligent conversation. Perhaps Yvonne would be interested in

your former opinion of her. When I make a mistake, I gladly admit it. You're

making one right now. I don't think so.

Yvonne, are you busy for dinner?

Yes, she is busy for dinner because she's having dinner with me. With you?

me!