Original subtitles

Those are the dudes who left that pile of bodies down in Chinatown. Tonight on

Simon and Simon.

You go to Los Angeles, try to find him? You're not saying he's one of those

ninja assassins, are you?

Sit down.

Animal. Hammerman. Federal Reserve.

If that's your...

So you see, Mr. Simon, A .J., Brian and I are divorced, but I don't want

anything bad to happen.

What I mean is, I know he doesn't exactly jump for the phone when I call

these days, but I've left a dozen messages on his answering service.

Nothing.

It's just like him to put me through this.

He told me never to check up on him, but I'm so afraid. Oh, please, A .J., help

me.

Better.

May I?

Now again, please.

I'm not exactly sure about Brian's work. Something to do with importing.

He's always dealing with foreigners.

You know, the kind of people you wouldn't trust.

And now they're the car, the same car parked in front of my house for a week

with the same men in it watching me.

Please, Mr. Simon.

A .J.

A .J.

I know he told me never to check up on him like this, but I'm afraid.

I mean, we were married 11 years.

That's a hell of a way to avoid paying alimony.

Most of them are.

I'm just...

saying we've been down this road before, Eve. We sort of know the way by heart.

Then you'll take the case?

You'll go to Los Angeles, try to find him?

I won't just try. We will find him.

Import X building is dealing drugs.

Nobody's that up front.

Maybe he's just a plain old everyday...

Hey, how you doing?

Fine.

Is he in?

Is who in?

Mr. Harms.

No. Oh, well, you're going to be expecting him soon? Because I know he's

to want to take a look at this new line of forms and budgets.

Well, I don't expect him.

Not at all?

You could try back in about a month.

You're pulling my leg.

Hey, look.

We do more business.

with independent consultants in Hollywood than any other company west of

Rockies. Well, this is Los Angeles. Hollywood is a little further up the

freeway.

Your phone is ringing.

Well, maybe that's him.

Yeah, but that could be for you.

We have a service.

Look, why don't you just leave me a card and I'll let him know you came by, huh?

Tell you what, I'm going to do something even better than that.

Why don't you give me one of your brochures, some promotional material,

know, so that I know exactly what kind of training it is that you do. Well, we

don't have any.

Aha. Well, maybe you could fill me in.

Nice meeting you.

Okay, Taylor, I'm coming.

Take it easy.

Hollywood.

AJ, do me a favor.

Remind me this is not what I want to do when I grow up.

Uh, crete 702.

Well, right floor, but we're way down the hall. You gotta dig through the

curtain.

Uh -huh, what? What have you got?

Enter office member job if you didn't go to bed with me.

And I'm sorry you misinterpreted the nudity at the Christmas party.

I would greatly appreciate your staying late this evening to go over these

charges in detail.

Love, Herb. Love, Herb.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Ah, the blind pig.

Blinds the acorn.

Ah, yeah.

Over here. Let's dig down in this corner.

I got a... dog -eared copy of a gothic romance.

And an empty lipstick, too. What do you got?

Vaguely psychotic doodle.

Must be... Shannon.

I'd love to give her a Rorschach test.

Boy, somebody likes her style.

She's getting a thousand bucks a week to do her nails.

Payroll stuff.

Maybe it's time to dust off Art Hammerman.

It was a medical problem. But our actuarial computer considers you a poor

Quite frankly, we've had bad luck trying to get our money back from you home

dialysis unit.

Oh, excuse me.

L .A. State, Kelly speaking.

No, Mr. Waxman's at lunch. This is Ron. Again, I need you to verify one of your

accounts for me.

Number is 024364789.

Triple two.

It's Harms Traders Limited.

If it's less than six figures, they're good for it. Clear it.

Well, wait a minute.

I'll tell you what. Maybe I better wait until Waxman gets back.

Kramer, I'm giving you authorization to clear the check.

Harms Traders is one of our largest accounts.

Well, I didn't ask you to clear the check. I would... To hell with it. Look,

forget it. I was just trying to save you a little grief. That's all. Wait a

minute. What are you talking about?

I am talking about the Hammer, and you can play with him all by yourself.

What? Art Hammerman from the Fed.

He sent us to the ringer all morning, and now it's your turn. But hey, look,

don't worry about it.

Maybe by the time he gets to you, Waxman will be back.

Kramer. Hello?

Hammerman, Federal Reserve.

If that's your wife, you can tell her you'll be late for dinner and quite

possibly breakfast.

Sir, I...

I'm only an assistant manager.

Mr. Waxman stepped out for some lunch. Oh, you'll do just fine.

You are aware that when a federal examiner puts his case on your desk, all

contents thereof become the property of the U .S. government.

That includes this.

I will want a computer readout on the account information card and all records

pertaining to the Harms Traders Limited account for the last six months.

Now, while this hummer is warming up...

I think you ought to reconsider this lady's loan application.

I would hate to think that you were refusing her on the basis of her age.

Be discrimination, wouldn't it?

So, Harms Limited does business with the U .S. government.

We've got Federal Prairie Management Board,

the U .S. Bureau of Eskimo Affairs, and,

get this one,

the Office of Railroad Rights of Way.

I mean, I know the guys in Washington are working hard to infuse the national

debt. Doing a heck of a job. But I never even heard of most of these places.

They don't even sound real.

Here's to us. Something that requires a fistful of dollars. But who always needs

that? Us?

Well, besides the two of us.

Guys in trench coats?

Yep. Now, take a look at these withdrawals.

Three months ago, there was a million dollars in cash.

Now it's gone. Nothing. Bye -bye.

So is harms. Mm -hmm.

Well, I think we better get ourselves together and start calling all these

agencies. Yeah, forget it.

Which one of those outfits got 50 ,000 employees? Every morning they pledge

allegiance to red tape. We could be put on hold or we die of old age.

Besides, if he's a spy, it's all just a smoke screen anyway.

I don't see anything dazzling coming off of your launch pad.

Well, we have lift off.

A series of rent checks for Brian Harms' apartment.

Hello.

What's the matter with that one, A .J.? Expired?

You really should see if there's any money in heck to put you in a new tax

bracket. Hey, I'm not heavy. I'm your brother.

You know, if this guy harms us so weird, he could be booby -trapped.

I once saw a guy in Saigon get his hand blown off a pair of dice.

Of course, you can rig anything. I mean, you can rig beer cans, bell buckles,

telephones. Doors are the easiest.

No thanks to the peanut gallery.

Anytime.

This guy.

Report to the Congressional Oversight Committee on Far East Deployment.

Journal of Strategic Studies.

This month's issue, by the way.

There's one written in Chinese.

Investigator, San Diego.

What are you doing here?

I'm doing the same thing myself.

We're looking for Brian Harms.

His wife is worried about him.

In San Diego?

Yeah. Just grab the woman who hired you.

Uh, 5 '3", 5 '4", blonde hair, blue eyes, very attractive.

Tall or not, 5 '4", 5 '5".

Freezing Chinese.

As long as you're in L .A., why don't we get together and talk?

No. I'm staying with friends, and I don't want them to know anything about

I couldn't find you to tell you, but Brian called me tonight.

He says he's in danger, but he wouldn't tell me why.

Believe him.

A .J. and I think it's time you brought the police in on this.

I can't. I promised that I wouldn't.

Please. You don't have to do anything more that's risky.

If you could just give me a start.

Please, anything to help me find Brian.

He needs help.

I'll agree with you there.

Eve, we're going back down to San Diego tonight.

There is one more thing I want to look into.

I'll let you know if it goes anywhere.

But no promises.

Thank you. That's wonderful.

I'll be waiting.

Well, I hope that does it.

I don't plan on making a career out of it. Of course.

Don't worry.

You've played your final scene in our little drama.

And quite brilliantly, too.

I'm telling you, AJ, we ought to drop this one right now.

Professionals should not let a man turn himself into a small furry animal right

in front of their eyes.

Sure, Bill.

Whatever. He disappeared, didn't he?

Yeah.

Not the way you mean.

What other way is there?

You feel how he disarmed us? I mean, it was effortless.

Yeah, quite too.

I didn't even see him coming.

He used karate, judo, aikido, a move I've never even seen before, and I

I'd studied everything.

I'm not at his level, obviously, but very few people in the world get to be

good.

The only one I know is back in San Diego.

What's wrong?

I... I don't know. I just had this weird feeling like someone was watching us or

listening to us or something.

I have to be in a helicopter. We've got 20 floors up.

Let's get out of here. Yeah.

Hey, James, pick the tape.

How's he going to know one guy in Los Angeles?

Well, to those guys, it's sort of a small community. I mean, there's not

many real masters around.

I don't know if I have one.

Well, if it's like fraternity, even if he knows, what makes you think the boat

is going to sell you?

Because he owes me one, that's why.

Last time we sparred, he broke my hand on his nose.

He said he'd be here around 10 o 'clock.

Where'd he

go?

Not far.

Where?

Yeah,

yeah. Okay, I got it.

Sensei, this is what Ninja used.

Uh -huh.

Ah, yeah, Carlos, go ahead.

Okay.

Got it.

Uh, sure, you can use the house, no problem.

What? Well, as long as it takes us to figure this thing out.

No!

Okay.

Adios.

She doesn't live in San Diego.

She rented one of those little weekly studio apartments two days before she

to see us. Cleared out the day after.

She left one of those little automatic telephone things, you know, to forward

your calls. That's how we were able to reach her last night in L .A.

Carlos got us the address.

I figure besides our fee, she owes us an explanation.

So do I.

You want to be careful. Rick, Rick.

Two, three, four, five, six.

You want to be careful with that stuff.

It's called Hokure no Mikura.

Say what?

Well, it means sort of like dust of the blind.

It's a hypnotic powder.

It stuns you when you inhale it. The ninja use it. They make it out of herbs,

who knows what all.

Brian Harms knows what all.

I think we met his druggist last night.

You're not saying he's one of those ninja assassins, are you?

I will soon know how she likes surprise parties.

find does for a living, AJ.

What?

She's an actress. But younger than the last time we saw her.

It's a great makeup job.

She was good.

I guess technically this means we're off the case.

You can call the police.

But Mr. Hearns doesn't think we killed his ex -wife.

He does.

Before you start kicking, you just listen.

All right.

You put the guns away and I'll listen.

She's not your ex -wife, is she?

No, fortunately.

My Ava's in New York for visiting friends.

What did this one tell you? You wouldn't return her messages.

You were involved with dangerous people, which is certainly not stretching the

truth.

You stupid morons. You led them right to me. No, not us. No.

Now, we took cabs. We took three rented cars.

We changed all of our patterns. We changed our clothes twice. No. I mean,

this all the time. We are professionals.

We know what we're doing.

Almost. Almost what?

Changed almost.

Welcome to the big sound of station R .I .C .K.

Broadcasting to you from high atop Rick's head.

Terrific.

Remember when she came to the house, she was pacing back and forth going through

all of our stuff.

We made it real easy on her. Look, it doesn't have to be easy. Just say when.

You know, you're awfully calm about all this.

I mean, shouldn't we grab the first badge we see and start yelling bloody

murder? Well, the locals are good, but on something like this, the cops would

look like toddlers in a sandbox.

Better for the big kids to handle it.

These big kids you're talking about, they dress up in cloaks and play with

daggers?

Able to topple small governments in a single bound?

Seeing guys like you toss the B .C. out of helicopters.

You're with the company. You're a spook.

Not anymore. I'm semi -retired. Yeah, yeah. Semi -retired? You put $450 ,000

into your bank account last month, and you call that retired? You must have one

hell of a pension plan. Not my money, not all of it. That office is a

clearinghouse. The whole Southwest is right out there.

You run the Southwest?

No, not me, Shannon. I told you I'm semi -retired. I shook my hand like we're

saying goodbye.

I'm going to go down here, at least to an alley. They'll follow me, but they

can't take the car more than 50 yards.

There's another entrance from Sunset. It'll take you exactly 30 seconds to get

around there. We'll catch him between us.

Indicator.

Femi retirement.

Look, we were there when he was killed and we already gave a statement to the

cops. I know, but now he's scheduled for a post -mortem. We'd like to get a

second ID before we cut, you know. It's the man that we still get shot.

We can't swear it's Brian Harms.

Uh -huh.

Would you sign this, please?

Oh, yeah.

AJ, you okay?

Could we have a moment alone,

please, to say our final goodbyes? It's a very private thing.

Of course.

I understand.

There you go.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, because I felt your... Well, I didn't feel it because you

have... How do you do that? Oh, anyone can control that.

Pull straight. It's just six years of practice.

What's got me with a soft little shot in my shoulder?

Well, I'll tell you what. You might as well just lie back down there if you

don't see a doctor.

That's where you're taking me. That's where I'm taking you. Here, put this on.

Another one of those bodies can get it over here. Put this on another one of

meat? The only way I'm going to stay alive is if I stay dead a little while

longer. Makes sense to me.

Come on, you guy. You want to make this my permanent residence?

Well, I'm not going to do it. Come on, Town. You're a make -a -call kind of

All we want you to do is make a call.

Just start extradition proceedings on Arnold Papa Papadopoulos.

Who is a missing dead man, right?

No, not exactly. He's in the morgue right now. He's wearing somebody else's

tag. We borrowed his.

Well, put it back.

Come on, town.

You just told me you caught the monkey house flasher. You've had a good day to

share the wealth, will you?

Yeah, well, look, I'll tell you right... Hey, stop that. Stop that.

Stop.

Sit down.

Animal.

I'm really missing.

Town, trust me, this one is important.

Oh, okay.

I have my hands full of important things to do around here.

Plenty of important things.

Put this on you under the paint.

Well, you're covered for about six hours anyway.

Okay. Well, you tie a nice bandage. Yeah, well, I've had plenty of practice.

Look, do you want me to get you anything? That local's going to wear

no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

What time is it?

421. 419.

Okay, Shannon, Twix, D .C. Murphy will still be there.

We will attack the reviewing stand at this intersection, which gives us four

escape routes.

The People's Republic delegation will be here.

Hong Kong reports that your fingerprints are making the rounds of several U .S.

agencies.

I realize we all saw Mr. Harms die in front of our eyes.

But as we all know, these human perceptions are so easily deluded.

Execute our contingency immediately.

Murphy, no cover is perfect. I forget how they found me. Where do we go from

here? We got a preliminary ID on that prince. Belongs to Shen Feng Li.

Stolen car involved in a minor traffic accident.

Asia deaths figure he's there for a hit.

Who's Shen?

Only as a last resort.

Only if he misses you.

Keep Shen out of L .A., then. You know this trip is a showpiece for the

president and the State Department.

Oh, come on, Murphy.

Ground his damn plane in Kansas City and divert it to Alberta. You know the

routine.

I can just stop Zen from coming to LV. At least send some extra people in here.

I can still give them backup.

Zen is skittish as a coat. He'll smell trouble if we bring in more manpower.

You'll have to reassure him, Brian, or he's going home.

We got him this far. Let's not blow it.

I'll bring him in, and you stroke him.

Immersion... Oh,

God, this is all I need.

Shannon, can I have a Kleenex, please?

Who is this guy? Crazy is something you win. You can hardly move.

Who is Zen?

You talk to anyone who knows Red China and they'll tell you that Hussein is

in line for the party chairman.

I agree.

Hussein is a friend of mine, more or less.

We worked together when I was in the field.

I'm confused. I mean, who is this guy Tao after? You or Zen?

Oh, both, really.

Zen only agreed to visit the U .S. after I offered to come out of retirement and

supervise his covert security.

And you heard Murphy.

Zen would.

Pack his bags in a minute.

Yeah.

He thought I was neutralized.

What do you call having the Howlin' Tunnel on your shoulder?

Down but not out.

Come on.

What choice do I have?

Or do we have?

You heard Washington.

They are not going to duck while he gets a clean shot.

And if you two don't stop Tau for me, we're going to have a lot of dead people

all over that street.

Excuse me.

I'm Eve Brandt. I just returned from New York and there was a message waiting

for me in San Diego.

The police told me Mr. Harms was here.

Deceased.

But now I guess there's some confusion.

No, Miss Brandt.

No confusion.

If you'll come with me, please.

Amazing how far you can get with one fingerprint.

Mr. Tao, all right.

You owe a certain lieutenant detective in San Diego a bottle of tequila.

He likes it in a gallon jug.

All right.

Now, I'm not sure this is any help, but... The guy ran away from an

right? Minor fender bend. Now, that's not unusual.

If he stole the car.

Owner claims he didn't know the car was stolen until after the accident. But

again, that's not unusual.

It's only gone for a few hours.

So where does that lead us?

Well, good question.

But, you know, maybe the owner lied.

Maybe he's tied up with Tao somehow.

Here's Rick with a vehicle check.

The guy who reported the stolen car?

Guess what else he's got in his garage.

72 Volkswagen convertible.

And a van leased to the Hangzhou Meatpacking Company. I think we'll get

Go.

You like the dust, huh?

I know, but I want to fall asleep straight.

Glenn, I can't.

Tell me something. Why don't your teeth chatter?

The speed of my pulse rate is restricting the blood flow out of my

That's an easy way I can show you that, isn't it? I wish there was a way to get

you out of here tomorrow.

I have to wait until they think we're two weeks removed.

I don't know about you, but I am almost there.

Look, I've got to do something to stay warm. I might as well be cool, Hardy.

Rick, give me a lighter.

It's only going to make you think you're warm.

Not for me, idiot, for this time.

It's about time you showed up. This poor woman is freezing to death in here.

What are you trying to do, kill us or something? It's cold in here. Am I

through to you?

Ding -ling, wong -si -tang.

Ni -min -tong -ge.

Wong -shang.

Rick. Yeah. You want the three men to move to the far wall?

I wouldn't just say so.

It's okay here. Everything's going to be fine. I'm going to go down here to the

far wall, okay?

Quiet!

Fast. I know where they're going to make the hit.

No.

Anything? Oh, I've missed the hits of Bandits 12 o 'clock.

Okay, I'll take the Outriders. Okay. Do you remember... Sorry, keep going.

Uh, Rick?

I'd let go of him now. Right.

Police, hold it. Hi, guys. I said hold it. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, how are you guys?

He's down in Chinatown.

Look, fellas, I'm sorry.

It is a pleasure to meet you. I've been filled in on your involvement, and I

wanted to thank you in person.

You'll be receiving a check from the Federal Registry of Bridges and Canals

token of our gratitude.

Uh, Mr. Murphy, what about Harms?

Who?

I think we all understand the situation.

We've started the wheels turning, and I think there's a good chance that

everything will be shift shape in about a week. In the meantime, let me know if

there's anything I can get you.

A reading material, candy, tobacco.

Don't hesitate. Hey, hey, hey, now wait, wait, wait a minute.

You're not going to do anything about getting us out of here right now?

You know the bureaucracy.

I'm afraid you're victims of a couple miles of red tape.

But such is life.

Hey, wait a minute.