Original subtitles

Mrs. Simon, how does it feel to learn your son's our international thief?

Tonight on Simon and Simon.

Maybe this will finally put an end to this private detective foolishness. I'm

gonna make you an offer which you cannot refuse.

You got an agent? They made him blow a bugle for his uncle Sam.

They really brought him down because he could not jam.

AJ, we gotta get out of this place. If we stay here, something terrible's gonna

happen.

Well, what do you think?

I think you must have been up for hours. What are you doing, restraining the

patio?

Yeah. Well, I promised to after Carlos spilled that jug of Don Diablo over

and ate through to finish.

That was in the Nixon administration.

Carter, maybe.

In any case, there have been dozens of broken promises in the years in between.

I shouldn't complain.

You shouldn't complain.

You ought to get yourself dressed.

We got a 9 .30 appointment. Oh, come on, AJ. We need a day off. We need a payday

is what we need.

No, that's all right. I'll tell you what. If you want, I'll fly solo on this

one. Okay.

I'll just finish up on the porch here. Who's the client?

Oh.

Who?

Allison Long, the movie star.

She waited since Nick's making a little while longer.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, sorry to be late. I'm convinced they're the right men for the job.

Has Greg filled you in on all the sordid details?

Well, just that you need bonded couriers to hand carry some negotiable

securities from here to a bank in Mexico City.

Well,

Peter's been terribly nasty about it all.

And who's Peter? My fourth husband.

Fifth.

My fifth husband.

You see, we've been going through this rather messy divorce.

As Allison's personal manager, I've counseled her to move certain negotiable

securities out of the country, at least till this is settled.

I think we can handle that.

Well, there is one thing you should know.

Peter has made several threats.

And he's in a position to carry them out.

You see, his background is... Well, I... He comes from a well -known family.

Local? Vegas.

A well -known...

Vegas family.

Well, I can't help it if I have this tendency to be attracted to men with a

certain aura of danger.

I've been in therapy for a long time.

Really? I hope you're not a Scorpio.

It's likely that some of his friends will try to stop you.

No problem.

Well, then it's settled.

You can pick up the documents this morning at Harding Cats Investment

Okay.

Wonderful. I feel so much better about all this now that I've met you.

I hate to run, but I promised to donate my old wardrobe to an auction to raise

money for Jerry's kids. Oh, that's nice.

You be sure to pay them generously.

And I'll thank you personally when you return. Okay.

You too.

Wow. I'm telling you, A .J., there is a notch on her bedpost with my name on it.

Rick, the woman is a renowned carnivore. She will exploit you for her own

pleasure. She will use you.

We both just sign and date it here.

Mr.

Katz? Hey, Rose.

Don't drink the water.

Gracias.

Hey, wait.

I can take you there. You just meet us at the bank in about half an hour, Phil.

There you go.

Yep. Black sedan, we got two to beat. Two plus two.

Great. We'll just be a few minutes.

Oh, boy.

Now it's time to stop and ask them.

Dirección Federal de Seguridad.

U .S.

Customs. U .S. Treasury.

Richard and Andrew J. Simon, you're under arrest for transporting stolen

securities out of your country into Mexico.

Hey, hey, a couple hours, we'll be laughing about this. We got reputations

this town.

I know, that's what worries me. I'll let you know when we've got a serious

problem. I know when we've got a serious problem. It's generally about the time

you take a drink with somebody. All right, quiet down.

Number three, step forward.

Turn to your right.

Face us again.

Number four, step. Step forward.

Put the hat on.

Yes.

That's them.

I'm sure of it.

Has anybody questioned Allison Long or Greg Paulson? There is no Greg Paulson.

What? And Allison Long has been in Morocco for three months working on a

picture. No, she hasn't. We were with her in Paulson's office.

She walked off the Tonight Show last night because of Joan Rivers.

Four months ago by the Mexican federal rally.

The minute that they were taken, the suspect slipped through the net.

They never ID'd you until today.

October 31st, Halloween.

AJ and I had tickets on the 40 -yard line for the Chargers -Redskins game.

knew we were going.

Any witnesses who saw you there?

I'll prove it. Well, what do they have so far?

They know hundreds of thousands worth of securities were funneled out of

Harding's and Katz by Mayrose.

We've got an APB out on him. They've been closing in on a gang for several

months now.

Got close a couple times.

The scam had to be really getting dangerous.

What about the others?

As far as the feds are concerned, you are the others. Oh, that's absurd!

Your names were salted all through Mayrose's files.

Looks like you've been involved from the beginning.

He's trying to hang us. Yeah.

Oh, I don't think you'll get the death penalty.

20, 30 years tops.

It's what you think.

Mom finds out about this, she's gonna kill us.

I almost had to mortgage the house again to raise bail this time.

Sorry, Mom.

Oh, if you'd become a lawyer, you wouldn't be sorry now.

Mom, we're innocent.

Innocent? Oh, you found time to be innocent between your black bag jobs and

shootouts?

Sooner or later, something like this had to happen.

I'm just glad you weren't found dead in some back alley.

Maybe this will finally put an end to this private detective foolishness.

How bad is it?

Bad.

Is there any reaction, any truth in the rumor that you've already started plea

bargaining with the DA?

Mrs. Simon, how does it feel to learn your sons are international thieves?

I just made my mistake.

What is that supposed to mean? When have I... Hey, hey, hey, hey. Get easy.

You want some coffee?

Yeah.

I've been squeezing the street.

Not only do our phony Allison Long and Greg Paulson yet.

They had to be recruited out of town.

Whoever's behind it played it all alone. No mob connections.

Still convinced of the revenge motive?

That's the only thing that makes any sense, AJ.

You know, just look at the yellow paper.

Most of our enemies still have their mail delivered to state -owned

institutions.

You realize, Rick, we could be sharing the zip code with some of them, and I

they'd be very little glad to see us again.

Well, for the time being, I'm betting that our man or woman is on the outside,

and it had to be somebody who was capable of executing something this

complicated that narrows it down to three old cases that might come back to

haunt us.

Helen... Well,

if it isn't the Hardy Boys.

Heard you got your butts in the federal fling.

Well, if you want any favors, you're on the wrong street corner.

Sounds bitter, Helen.

Why shouldn't I be?

Somewhere there must be an honest career with dignity.

You want to know what my first job was when I got out of the slammer?

Selling DeLorean car.

That's right.

Yeah.

Then I got real lucky.

Landed a job as a stewardess.

Sounds dignified.

Branded.

Company folded. They fired everybody.

Oh, then there was some guy hanging around from Playboy, wanted all the ex

-stewards to pose naked. Call that dignity.

But then I got my big break.

Went into marketing video games.

I got a warehouse full of them.

And I almost got involved in the cultural channel on cable TV.

Yeah, that folded, too, when the punk rock station bought it out. See what I'm

saying? No dignity.

There's only one thing worse than being straight, and you guys are going to find

out about that real soon.

Not sure I follow you.

Not sure I want to.

Ain't no dignity in prison, fellas. None.

Tough life, bad food, bad company.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but, you know, I'm going to laugh every

time I send you a postcard.

Oh, you bet. I'm bitter.

Eladio Sanchez, alias The Architect.

You wanted more from me, but it's an honorable way of life.

I'm also a run -of -the -mill career for cum laude graduate of Caltech.

Well, I've always been interested in planting and... I know.

Very impressive.

Until you graduated and... Turned crime to finance your research?

My research might have led to a solution of world hunger.

And some of my colleagues thought I was a leading candidate for a Nobel Prize.

Well, I guess we can't put a damper on your ticket to Stockholm.

Yeah, well, now I watch the grass turn green and the flowers bloom.

And as long as my parole continues, it's a good place to be until I can get my

bearings.

I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

Some friends of ours are looking for a gardener, you know, in case she wants

more. Was arrested, do you recall?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do.

Maxwell Maguire.

Give me a chance to surrender.

I was the one who chose to jump from the train.

Some people wouldn't be so understanding about losing their sight, Max.

I try not to think about that part of my life. The accident may have even been a

blessing in disguise.

It all changed for me one day when a sparrow flew through the bars of my

And another, and another.

Like Burt Lancaster in The Birdman of Alcatraz.

They used to call me the Birdman of Lompoc.

Oh, my goodness doodle, you're getting plump.

We met some friends of yours.

Greg Fulton, Allison Long.

No, no, you must be mistaken. These little creatures... I am. I'm working on

now.

I guess my old friends don't like guava.

I don't know what you expect to accomplish here, A .J. We have to check

everything, Rick.

Oh, they were here after it was abandoned. We are the only ones who were

before. So maybe we saw something.

Something that didn't register, but that means something. Okay? Now, come on.

Okay. Okay, now look. We were sitting here talking to Paulson. He was at his

desk, right? All right. Look around her. Look behind her. What do you see?

All right.

Let's see.

Some abstract prints over here on the wall and over there.

Some umbrella right here next to the door. Right, right.

Over here, there's an old chrome statue of Bambi. Yeah, Bambi? A deer.

A leather coat. There's no label on it or anything. We just want to keep things

going. Okay, she came in. She came in. She came with Kitty. She wanted a drink.

She wants a special Bloody Mary. He goes over to the bar.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it.

What?

Yeah, there's a book of photographs. Ah, there was a photograph right here.

Yeah. Um, Paulson and Marilyn Monroe, she signed it. Something about their

to the Oscars. Okay.

Picture was taken in front of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.

Isn't that where they always hold the Academy Awards? Yeah, now it is. But

Marilyn Monroe died, the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion hadn't been built yet.

So that picture had to have been taken with the double.

Marilyn double, Allison double. No, no, no, no, no. This was... Alice, take a

ride after Holly, will you?

Yes, sir. My eight pounds, no matter what. I'll give you a million dollars

of talent for every store, okay?

Let's do lunch and firm up the deal. Good. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Bring a pair of those shoes, will you? Uh, 9D.

I gotta get some media with the merchandise we're selling, right?

Okay, hey, ciao, love you.

Nice salad!

No, she don't work here anymore.

And instead of a bum, which is what I am, I mean, let's face it, I am.

I'm going to make you an offer which you cannot refuse.

Steam room.

And my streetcar broke all BO records in a Pease Crossing, Louisiana, dinner

theater. I mean, people always told me I look so good.

Go home, kiddo. Go be a cop.

No, wait a minute, Mr. Blander. You don't understand. Look it, look it, look

I'm down on my last 20 bucks here.

Brando. Brando. That's it. Tom and Brando. Yeah. I'm telling you, it's

Isn't it?

The resemblance, the way it creeps up and grabs.

Something to do with the jawline here, you know, when it glances up.

Turn to the light a little bit. Oh, gee.

I'm in the right light. It gives me the willies. It gives me the creeps. Hey,

you got an agent, Kenneth? No, I don't. Congratulations.

You got one. My handshake is my contract. I got to get some videotape on

my file.

Come on. Come into the video. Is this what they call a screen test? There's

something that you got to hit it. Get some good dome on you. Because I've

performed. Leftover. from yesterday's Queen Elizabeth audition.

Just throw it anywhere. Okay.

Here's your mark. This is called a mark. Stand right there and don't move.

You are perfect. All right. All right. Okay. I can hardly wait. Let's go.

Well, right now, just give me that great Brando pow, okay? All right. Go down.

Hit your mark. Okay, give me another pow. Give me a Brando pow. Yeah. That's

great. That's great.

Okay. Ratchet on.

Good.

Ratchet on.

It's frightening.

What? You are better than the original.

I got a big win in here.

You sure

this

is the right address?

What's this?

And massage.

Emporium.

Okay.

Well, hi, fella.

Did anybody ever tell you you look just like a... No, no, wait. Let me guess.

Um... Cary Grant, right?

No, no, no, no, wait.

Oh, I saw her on TV just the other day.

She giggles a lot, right?

I give up.

Goldie, hold on.

Come on in.

Just stumble onto the home for wayward celebrity pebbles.

That's right.

All right, ladies. All right, ladies. Let them breathe.

Let them breathe. Let them. Let's get out of here. Charlie, let them breathe.

Let them breathe.

Well, no wonder they're so excited.

Well, actually, we were hoping to find an Alison Long type.

The Alison Long type. Well, that's like Chinese food. An hour later, you're

still hungry.

I hate to see a man go hungry.

Yeah, but we heard that you did have a... Yes, we did. She was very popular,

she left us a month or so ago. Okay, now, what about Marilyn Monroe? See, I

always want to meet Marilyn. Marilyn's tied up right now.

But if I say so myself, you look more the Dolly Parton type.

I do? Yes, you do. And for a slight extra fee, I will throw in Barbara

Streisand's double, and they will do a duet that you will never forget.

Uh,

uh, just...

Curiosity, what are your rates?

Special on our Joan Collins double, $449 .95.

But you've got to take her as is.

Look, really, all we want is we want to talk to the Alison Long double. Would

you happen to know where we could find her? Wait a second. What is this? You

guys cops or something?

Hey.

Hey. Hey, come back here.

Stop them, boys. Stop them.

Hey, did anybody ever tell you that you look exactly like...

I don't have time for this, man.

Don't you understand what it means to be out on bail?

There are all kinds of restrictions. You guys have broken every one of them in

less than 24 hours.

Well,

he didn't report to his parole officer yesterday and his place is deserted.

Well, that means he took off as soon as he realized we suspected him.

My Maryland double wasn't any help. She thought the whole thing was a gag.

Well, he's probably out of the country by now.

Yep.

Mexico.

Esquinappa. Are you sure?

No. Well, that's where he was living when he was working out his principal

cytogenetic.

Well, I read his research paper.

Go down ourselves.

What is that Jetson is saying?

You're talking about sneaking out of the country, man. Fugitives from Jetson.

Your mother could force it all to bail money.

Town, it's the only way.

It is no way.

And even if you found him there, you couldn't do anything to him? There's

nothing to hold him on yet.

No, you can't hold him.

Officially, we can. We can hold him upside down and shake him until

falls out of his pocket.

As your friend, I'm telling you, you're dead wrong on this. Some protection.

Try me.

I can barely hear you.

Operator, this is a terrible connection.

Yes, are you sure?

It's Bette. Two men were there, the same ones.

They know I'm with you.

But she said she didn't tell them we were down here.

Yes, Bette.

I'm glad you called.

I'll be in touch.

I don't think anyone can find us down here.

I underestimated them once.

And they hung me up to twist slowly in the wind for the world to see. They'd

never leave the country while they're out on bail. They'd be crazy to risk

Maybe.

But I'd feel better with some additional help.

I don't think we should bring in anyone new.

Should be someone we can trust.

Someone you've worked with before.

You're right.

You're not seriously considering going down there yourselves.

Will you?

Are you asking me to approve?

Take care of AJ, you old nut.

What are you doing?

Why are you up?

I heard you come in.

AJ, I have a better shot alone.

Don't let Mom worry. I'll be in touch as soon as I know something.

You...

You were going to leave me here? All right, now look, it's the smartest thing

do. The two of us together makes it too easy for town. Now, I can make it on my

own. Big bravado move by the older brother.

Forget it. Take the back way in there. Forget it. I am going.

Damn it, A .J.

Mom was right.

You couldn't survive on the run. I can if I have to.

I'm going to assume that all this is because you are suffering from utter

exhaustion and you shut up!

If you want to go it on your own after we play out this hand, that's fine.

But my neck is on the block here too and I am going down to Esquanapa whether

you like it or not.

Hi. Is he still following us?

Still following us.

Hey, the school bus.

Okay, we've got him right where we want him.

Right on our tails.

Yeah, but his confidence is up. I can understand why.

We're going to take him, Rick.

A little help from Carlos' car wash.

They found us.

There's nothing to worry about.

I had them under surveillance since the end of the time this morning.

We're ready for them.

They're here.

They just came over the north wall. You can intercept in the front room.

Are you sure you have the right costumes on?

Good.

I can't go through with this.

I wish they'd hear something terrible's gonna happen.

Rick.

It's locked.

And as we're here, we don't know how to try it now.

AJ!

All right, just relax. You're going to be all right.

You're going to be okay. Just check out.

I had a shot at him.

Well, why didn't you shoot him?

I don't know.

Well,

don't forget I owe you one. Anytime, anytime.

One hand or not. Oh, Rick, don't be in such a hurry. I want to say something

before we begin.

We've come through a very difficult time.

And we've had some harsh words. Now, Mom, no need to apologize. I have no

intention of apologizing. None of this would have happened if you weren't

private investigators.

But I've been thinking, and I realize that you two are doing what you want to

life. And if that's what you want, that's what I want, too.

So, I think the occasion calls for a toast.

I feel very, very lucky.

that I'm sharing supper with my family tonight.

Safe, happy, together.

Hear, hear, hear, hear.