Original subtitles

I want to take you to a dirty movie. Tonight on Simon and Simon.

One of the girls from Vampire Cheerleaders showed up today with two

detectives. Keep us out of it. We'd like some information on your next

attraction. A not -to -miss cornucopia of passion. Former astronaut Christopher

Ahern produced porno movies using minors. Let's keep a real low profile

We're probably committing high treason.

What is it we're going to do again, Mrs. Donald?

It's called a field trip, Denny.

What is it we're going to field?

No, not field.

Field. A field trip.

No, you see, that's just an expression, honey. When we go out of the

classroom... A street trip.

I'll bring that up at the next teacher's conference, okay, Lila?

Denny, come on, get away from there. You don't want to... Gee, Mrs. Donald, she

looks an awful lot like... Of the nymphomaniac owner of a Hollywood

daughter... of an escaped Nazi war criminal who has left her a home...

New York Times bestseller list.

Why am I surprised?

20 -megaton nuclear peacekeeper?

Courtesy of the daycare center.

Damage reports are still coming in. Ah, well, not to worry. They may be ahead of

us in land -based toys. We have a... Mr. Simon? Yes.

You probably don't remember me.

I'm Catherine Donald.

Killer freeze between your kids enough. Nobody wants to see this thing escalate.

I'm sorry. I left Terrible Two several months ago.

Look, I need your help.

I'm in very serious trouble.

What can we do for you?

I want to take you to a dirty movie.

Behind their pom -poms beat the ravenous hearts of demons lusting to be set

free.

Let me explain.

You see, five years ago, I was working my way through college as a waitress,

then I lost my job.

I was down to my last hundred dollars.

So I answered an ad in the paper, and I did a nude part in a movie.

Kathy, I know how embarrassing this must be, but after all, you did take the

money. I took the money because I thought I was in a campus comedy.

And the nudity was brief. It was in silhouettes.

In fact, they still needed three takes because I was flushing so much.

But believe me, it wasn't a hardcore sex film.

Well, it is now. This place doesn't show.

How can they do that? A producer hires some doubles, shoots sex scenes, and

inserts them into the movie.

And so it makes it look like I'm the one doing all the acrobatics.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I'm just about to finish my internship.

The school board is meeting next week to consider my application for a full

teacher's position.

Have you spoken to an attorney?

Yes. You see, I was only 17 when I made that film. The producer knew it. He just

looked the other way.

I suppose I could bring him up on charges for exploiting a minor if he

ahead with the film's release, but I don't know where to find him.

Produced by Howard... I suppose that's his real name.

We could call all the hunks in the phone book.

Tell him we're going to be a little late for choir practice, Harvey.

All right, Harvey. Okay, bye.

Three? Uh, no, no.

Uh, we'd like to see the manager, please.

Bicycle, right?

No.

Then I'm the manager.

You run the Ecstasy Theater?

Fred Astaire Pictures don't sell tickets anymore, Sonny.

What can I do for you? Well, we'd like some information on your next

Vampire cheerleaders?

A not -to -miss cornucopia of passion.

On the Marge and Harvey Hallbecker scale, ten being highest, this is

Uh, no.

No, not exactly. See, we're trying to find the producer of the film. Howard

Hunt?

Well, in the trade, he's known as Mr. Gross Receipts. That's him.

But I've never met the man.

Most of those guys keep a pretty low profile.

You might check with the distributor, Night Owl Films, over on 3rd Street, but

don't think they'll tell you anything.

Well, thank you very much.

Excuse me.

I was hoping you might help me.

My name is Alfred J. Crumset, and I'm a science teacher at Belmont Junior High

School. I attend wrestling. We're a little understaffed this semester.

Are you sure you're in the right office?

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, absolutely. You do distribute educational films here, don't you?

Oh, well, I guess we do, among other things.

I'm trying to contact the producer of a truly wonderful film that we had in

class recently.

Some really remarkable shots of amoebic cell division in a study of African

fungi. I'm sorry, I don't think we have the African fungus one. Well, you

wouldn't happen to recall the name of that, would you, by any chance?

No. Well, it doesn't really matter because I know I would recognize it if I

it. Could I perhaps take a look at your roster of films and their producers?

Oh, I'm sorry. That's all confidential.

Oh, dear.

How in the hell is responsible for this? That's what I want to know.

Are you looking for someone, sir? I don't know. I have a whole fleet of...

That's true. Do you think you are? I'm Ralph Kelly's brother. That's who I am.

At least that was his name before you people turned him into this.

You know him better as Smokey Lane. That's how you build him in your

dust mulch.

Now, wait a minute. How'd you do it? Drugs, hypnosis, brainwashing. Look, I

think you've got the wrong guy. You people produce this, Bill.

You take a very scientific approach to wrestling at Belmont Junior High.

For example, do you realize, sir, that by applying a few additional grams of

pressure, I could paralyze the entire right side of your body?

Now, why don't you apologize to this nice lady?

It's just you're reminding me of somebody I once killed.

Now, let's get up on our feet.

You can do it.

You can do it.

That's it. Now, let's be on our way. We have an appointment somewhere else,

don't we?

That's it.

Most unpleasant fellow.

Look, officially, I can't show you the roster of our clients, but don't.

National Commission to investigate insatiable phenomena.

Cooperstown.

This one's going to make it by word of mouth, gentlemen. Word of mouth. Thanks

for coming by.

I'll be looking forward for your orders.

Gary Passman, alias Howard Hunk.

That's right. Can I help you? Well, not us exactly, but our client.

Vampire cheerleaders.

All right, come on in. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

What a surprise.

That's what I've been saying lately.

Ever since I saw that poster.

Oh, you mean the changes? Yeah, well... You two gentlemen must be lawyers, huh?

Private investigators.

But Miss Donald is represented by counsel.

Oh. Well, I really am sympathetic, Miss Donald. But try to understand.

I had an unreleasable picture sitting on my shelf for nearly five years.

Now people are willing to spend money to see it.

I had no intention of embarrassing you or anybody else.

In fact, well, some of the kids in the picture have gone on to become big X

-rated stars.

That doesn't make me feel any better.

No, of course not.

And that's why I'm willing to offer you some compensation for your

embarrassment. Say, a thousand dollars?

Look.

I just want to be out of the film and off the posters.

Well, that's not possible. You see, the picture opens in 50 states next week.

200 prints have already been struck.

I'll tell you what.

I'll make it $2 ,000.

Mr. Fassman, you don't seem to understand.

Our client was 17 years old when she made the film. She was underage.

By employing her, you committed a felony.

You're absolutely right.

Cutting her out of the film is the only decent thing to do.

Now I have some partners I'll have to consult with, you understand.

But I'm sure we'll work everything out.

Meanwhile, give me 24 hours, and I'll let you know then.

Mr. Fassman, don't try to leave town.

I'm too successful for that, my friend.

Call me tomorrow.

Ground Star Aerospace, Mr. Laughlin, Zombies.

Yes, my name is Fassman, Barry Fassman. I'd like to speak to Mr. Laughlin,

please. May I tell him what it's regarding?

Well, I'm sure he'll remember me, but if he doesn't, you don't have any choice.

Unless you want to see the name of your heroic Colonel Ahern dragged through a

scandal. What are you talking about?

One of the girls from Vampire Cheerleaders showed up today with two

detectives threatening to sue.

Keep us out of it.

I don't think so. If she sues, I'm taking down the Colonel with me.

And when he goes down, so does your corporate image.

It doesn't have to go that way.

I'm glad you agree.

But I'm just a guy who knows how to make movies.

You guys know how to play hardball.

Besides us and Fastman, nobody else knows.

Am I right?

Just the Colonel.

What about this girl and the two private detectives?

Well, if Fassman didn't tell them, there's no way for them to find out.

They'll be all right, Ed.

Gonna be all right.

Got a light, buddy?

And in night airspace.

Let's meet the man right now.

Colonel Christopher Ahern.

Morning. You're more at home these days in a Senate hearing room than an Apollo

capsule.

But you took the long way home after being the last man to walk on the moon,

right? Well, you could say that I was one of the last. You see, people tend to

remember the first and remember the last, but in between there was a dozen

us, practically anonymous.

So you began drinking?

Well, in a generally destructive way, yes, but fortunately I managed to pull

of the tailspin.

Well, let's talk about that. Your present position, you are the spokesman

Ground Star Aerospace, correct?

That's right. In 1971, you said, history shall judge the military exploitation

of space the ultimate corruption of what should have been one of mankind's

noblest endeavors.

Now, how do you reconcile that with your present position, which must, I

imagine, entail the selling of military satellites and weapons to the

government?

Now, those were different times, Temple. That was before Afghanistan, before

Poland. Now, nothing new. They're still putting it down as senseless violence.

Rick keeps saying that it didn't have anything to do with... Well, it didn't.

Look, even if it did, it doesn't make any sense.

I mean, why kill Barry Fassman just to keep him from editing you out of a

Aha!

What, I hear you cry, have we here?

Why have we here? I thought you'd never ask.

A flowchart.

Of the late Mr.

Fassman's business holdings, he does not own Vampire Cheerleaders.

Well, he sold it off.

Yeah, typical sleazy business practice. Or he could have laundered it through

these in here. He could have sold all of it, part of it.

Anyway, he owned at least 51 % of these corporations here, which in turn... Wait

a minute. You mean to tell me Fassman had all these film companies?

Well, he had part of them.

But they're not all film companies.

This one right here.

Hippodrome Limited of the Grand Cayman Islands.

That makes those little porcelain hula dancers that Rick likes to collect.

Who owns Vampire Cheerleaders? I don't know. Look, it could take me weeks to

untangle all of this.

Look, it doesn't matter now. The man's dead.

Maybe I can make a career of those films.

Look, Captain.

Maybe Fassman's death does have something to do with your film.

We won't know what until we know who owns the film now.

And when we find that out, we can call the law down on them.

You said it would take weeks.

They'll be showing it by then.

Well, this is only one way to go.

And if it doesn't pan out, we can check up with some of the actors that you

worked with. One last question, Colonel.

That sense of purpose that you spoke of and lost, have you found it again?

Purpose?

Yeah, yes, I definitely have. I'm working to keep America strong.

Colonel Christopher Ahern at Ground Star Aerospace. I'm Temple Hill.

Gee, it's hard to tell.

Bob was never dressed like this on the set.

He usually wasn't dressed at all.

Do you have interest in our group, my children, or merely wish to make a love

offering? Actually, we're looking for Robert Davies.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Robert Davies was but a symbol imposed at birth by corrupt culture.

The symbology has been discarded, freeing the incarnate soul.

You got any idea where we can find the incarnate soul?

It resides within us, in love and harmony.

Unless, of course, you're from those deprogramming people, in which case you

all go suck an egg.

Look, I'm an old friend, acquaintance of his, and I really need his help.

Please, can you help us find him?

I sense your need, sister.

He's but a short distance from us, physically speaking.

And should you have any errant thoughts of kidnapping, with enlightenment comes

a thorough familiarity with deadly force.

Oh?

I am Kahana.

He who shed the mortal lie that was Robert Davies.

How may I help you, sister?

Bob, I mean Kahana.

Hi, I'm Kathy Donald.

We worked together about five years ago on a film. A film?

I'm afraid I cannot isolate that energy, sister.

Perhaps you have the wrong entity.

What's the name?

Vampire cheerleaders isolate any energy for you?

Not so loud, please.

I take it you do recall the film?

That was part of a previous incarnation. I have shed

the temptations of the flesh. I have taken a vow of celibacy.

Well, look, Mr. Kawhi. Kahana.

Yeah, whatever.

We don't give two hoots about your sexual inclinations. We're just trying

track down Barry Fassman's business partners. Now, did you have a contract

his company?

No, no, no, no. It was all verbal.

And he paid me from checks from his personal account.

I don't know anyone who would have had a contract.

Except maybe somewhere in La Jolla, I think. I don't know.

Please, look, I don't know anymore.

Honest. Will you just leave before someone overhears? Well, what difference

would that make? I mean, even if some of these people did know about your past,

doesn't forgiveness kind of come with a package?

Forgiveness? Hell, I made ten of those films.

As far as material illusion goes, I'm loaded.

If his holy oneness finds out, he will bleed me dry.

Capisce?

Oh.

It's what the Pentagon want.

Now, this is something we're all very excited about, Chris.

It's an orbiting solar collector in geosynchronous orbit. The same for a

domestic program.

As I said, a tight -focus laser capable of impacting enemy missiles at a

distance of several thousand kilometers or of blinding Russian spy satellites.

Damn it, Neil.

I mean, you've got something here that can free us from this ridiculous

dependence on fossil fuels.

Unhovel us strategically in the Mideast, and you, you want to use it as a space

weapon. The money's already allocated.

Besides, you may think fossil fuels are ridiculous, but there are an awful lot

of oil companies out there who don't agree.

You never look past your own noses, do you? Just grab what you can while you

and to hell with anything else.

You're awfully bloody righteous for someone who was lying in the gutter

we found you.

We picked you up, Ahern.

We dried you out. We made you a celebrity.

We bought you, Colonel.

You're bought and paid for. The hell you did.

Easy, Chris.

Maintain the strain.

You don't need this now. None of us do.

It can get messy.

Why don't you just get with the program, you know?

Ed.

Ed, I was 24 and as green as could be the first time I saw you in that rocket

sled at Edwards.

And after I climbed aboard, I threw up my guts.

You remember what happened?

You push me right back aboard.

Go ahead.

Follow your conscience.

Tomorrow, the New York Times will come out with a juicy page one account of how

former astronaut Christopher Ahern produced porno movies using minors. I

knew about that. I just needed money.

You just needed a drink.

All right, Neil.

Go ahead.

Expose me. All we lose is a lobbyist.

You lose a life.

Your damn slides.

Anyway, the plan calls for six satellites.

Three active.

Mr.

Loosman, Ben. All right, number 16.

Excuse me, Mr.

DeMora.

Your office said we could find you here. My name is H... I don't care what your

name is. This whole Mr. March over reality thing, that's a cliche.

It's history.

Yeah, but look, uh, Mr. Moore... Okay, okay, you're aggressive.

All right, I can't fault you for that.

Besides, you do have a quality.

I need a preppy look for a specialty bit.

You into rubber?

Uh, I'm allergic. Ah, that's too bad. You know, maybe if we lose the hat.

Okay, let's see the merchandise.

Tomorrow we are not actors. Tell me something I don't know already.

We're detective.

Okay, let's take ten, everybody.

Look, I don't know anything about any partners. The only guy I ever dealt with

was Fastman, and he was bad enough.

If you had a contract, who was it with?

Oh, God, it's been five years. Oh, yeah, I think it was Nymph.

Nymph Productions, that's right. I remember they had their checks that this

little Greek thing printed on them.

Okay. Now, did you ever have any dealings with the head of their business

affairs or their lawyer?

Are you kidding?

To most of these guys, business affairs is a checkbook and a roll of stamps.

Now, it seems to me with this outfit I had to threaten to sue before they came

across with my directing fee.

In fact, I think they had to go to a bank to get out a loan to pay me.

You remember the name of the bank?

Come on. It's been five years.

I think it was... I think it was Golden West Bank.

That do you any good?

More than you know.

Thank you very much.

Okay, hey, and listen, if you ever change your mind about being in the

just let me know.

I'm like the Marines.

I'm always looking for a few good men.

Come on, kids, let's get back to it here.

Well, for them to get the loan, they either had to do a lot of business at

bank... Or the bank ran a credit check.

Yeah, but either way, I mean, they had to have collateral.

You want some ice cream?

You know, one of those little nut fudge congee you used to like?

You remember?

Well, sure, I remember.

You said dribble of... I didn't look. I distinctly remember.

The unions get marginalized.

You okay?

Yeah, thanks to a great piece of American steel, I'm just fine.

It's nice to know you're getting close to something, isn't it?

Yeah, it's these little validations. You were assaulted by a rogue ice cream

truck?

Yeah, it's also got a bad humor, man, wouldn't it? Yeah, you're right.

I think the last time you and I went fishing, we were at the Cape.

That's right.

Indian River.

Indian River.

Said today to you.

Forget it.

I don't think so.

I just stood there like a lump and let loose my rough you up.

Should have said something.

It's not your fight.

I know, but that's a hell of a note.

It ought to be.

Who knows?

I mean, you got Groundstar to offer me the job, but I took it.

I already knew the score.

At least I should have.

You know, I remember that moment precisely when I was standing on the

moon and I looked up off the horizon and I was afraid.

Afraid nothing would ever be that beautiful in my life again.

Yeah, can I help you? The securities and banking fraud task force. I didn't see

that. Look, Hadley, we can do this the hard way or the easy way. That's

completely up to you.

I think I've got a family. You want to keep this OTR?

OTR?

Off the record, and it's out of the question, I'm going to do this strictly

the book.

Okay.

Mr. Hadley, in 1978, your bank authorized loans to a Barry Fassman of

Nymph Productions.

Well, we're a very large bank. I don't recall every transaction. He's dead,

Hadley. Think about it.

That the loan officer in charge of this particular transaction was receiving,

shall we say, compensation for his part in proving the loan.

Kickbacks. He knows.

I know nothing of the sort. I can't believe any employee of this bank would

such a thing. This is absolute...

It's Phil Padley.

Of course I still work at the bank.

Yes.

They're right here.

Certainly.

And Inspector Escobar. That'll be for me.

Yeah, Carlos.

Well, the guy seems to be cooperating. Over here, please.

Carlos, a complete review. You know that's going to require closing down the

bank for three weeks. Well, I don't know whether that's going to be necessary.

Look, Carlos, look, why don't I just call you back when we know a little bit

more, okay?

Fine. Fine.

Yeah, I'll update him.

Bye -bye.

Where were we? I was about to show you all the records on the loan in question.

Yeah, I told you we wouldn't have anything to worry about. Carlos, the

was right on.

Well? DeMora was telling the truth.

$85 ,000 loan at 12 .5%. Well, here we go.

Limited partnership.

And principals are Barry L. Fastman, Richard K. Wells, Lester T.

Bolton, Christopher J. Ahern.

Wait.

Ahern.

Why is that familiar?

Let's see.

Christopher Ahern, Colonel, United States Air Force, retired.

The astronaut, remember? He was on one of the last Apollo flights.

Why would an astronaut be making porno movies?

Ahern? Yeah?

You can A .J. Simon. I'll see you for a minute.

Well, I'm sort of late for a meeting. I really have to go. I just wanted to ask

you a few questions about your involvement with the new productions.

Are you guys from Groundstar?

Where?

No, sir. We're private investigators.

We're working for a young lady who was a lot younger when she starred in your

film.

I think maybe we'd better talk about it.

I was drinking.

Really drinking.

You know, not for courage, but for oblivion. I retired at half pension.

Wasn't working.

Divorced.

I was really primed for Fassman. He promised me I could double my money, and

didn't really care how he did it.

Underage porno?

Yeah. He called it adult entertainment ventures. Even flew me... Neil Loosman.

Who is?

My boss.

Chairman of the board and chief executive officer of Ground Star

Satellites and skin flicks.

Guess that's what you call diversification.

An old friend of mine from the Gemini days, Ed Laughlin, he got me into Ground

Star.

It looked like it was a road back for me, a forum for some of the things that

still believed in, like the peaceful uses of space.

Wait a minute, aren't you the guy who's always chomping at Congress for these

monster laser robots and killer satellites?

Would Luzma buy the contracts to use them as a club?

Fassman needed money, came to Luzma with a proposition. Two weeks later, I was

in Washington selling space weapons.

I was real good at it.

See, I just didn't want to hit the skids again.

Luzma owned me.

He gave me a car and this house that I live in.

Well, now we know why Fassman was murdered.

Murder? What murder?

Barry Fassman, didn't you know?

No.

We went to Fassman, threatened to expose him.

I suppose he went to Luthman, and Luthman decided that was one risk he

eliminate. That's right, same thing with us.

Well, he threatened me too, but I... I didn't...

I don't know what I thought.

Well, it's easy now.

Sort of.

All you have to do is get us into Groundstar, and maybe we can get the

before Lucifer realizes you better burn them.

Oh, no, come on. You guys got to give me a break. I mean, I already decided to

leave Groundstar. I'm not going to get hung with a murder and a child

pornography rapper.

No, you give me a break, Colonel.

You're not the first person on Earth ever to come home from something

you were a hero, only to find out you were on unemployment.

Let me tell you something.

I had the choice between coming home from the moon and coming home from

I'd take the moon every time.

Now, there were a few hundred thousand guys who went through a hell of a lot

more disappointment and anonymity than you did. And they didn't all just give

and sell out.

What do you guys want?

Always knew I was officer material.

A well -kept military secret.

Afternoon, sir. Afternoon, sir.

Let's be real low -profile here. We're probably committing high treason.

Nah, not yet.

We fight or jock, you know? High -tech swashbuckler. Oh, that's great. Just

remind me to refuse the blindfold when we're in front of the firing squad.

How are you, Sarge?

The gate says you're driving Colonel Ahern's Jeep. Right. That's right.

Who are you two?

Bacon and Marlowe.

Staying out of Chris' place for a few days.

Let's see here.

Oh, yeah, here we are.

I guess they heard you in place of Hooper and James.

Right. What happened to them?

Yeah, they dug a hole with their F -18.

All got right into China Lake. They always did enjoy lighting a candle.

Yeah, yeah.

Good men.

Excellent men.

What are you testing?

We're taking out the big one in the morning.

What's the big one?

What's the big one? Come on, Sarge. The big one?

The one the Joint Chiefs are coming out for?

Yeah, you know, you got a police area around here, Sarge. This isn't going to

look good at all. Good place to start right there. We're talking Tip O 'Neill

here, Ed Meath, maybe even Nancy from the White House. We have an image to

uphold, you know what I mean? The First Lady is coming here tomorrow? The big

one is the big one, right, Sarge? The big one.

You guys are going to test fly the invisible.

You didn't hear it from us. I didn't think they were going to test that for

least two years. Well, when Ronnie called up, said he didn't want the first

pilots flying the invisible.

Uh -huh. If it be named Boris and Yuri, how could we refuse?

We've had a blackout in the clean room. All the monitors are down. We can't

clear the area without contamination.

All security is involved. I want you to sweep the sub -basement for your non

-critical personnel.

But, sir, I haven't heard any alarms.

I'm not authorized. You are now. I just told you it's a blackout. The entire

security web is down. I'll hold you both. Come on. Move it, mister.

Yes, sir.

I can only guarantee you guys five minutes. We may need more. Sorry.

That guard I just sent on the sniper on this one will want to blow the whistle

unless I can talk him out of it.

You might not even get your five.

Well, do your best.

Should have done that a long time ago.

Let's hope Luzma thought he didn't have very much to worry about.

He knows his alphabet.

Move, warhead.

Ah,

here we go.

Ahern. Nymph production.

No, it's no bother at all. I'm awfully glad you checked.

I thought you should know.

Well, I'll handle this for the colonel.

Sorry for the show of force.

Colonel Ahern and I will vouch for these men, gentlemen. You can return to your

posts. But, Mr. Lucema, Colonel Ahern... Return to your posts.

Yes, sir. We'll just go that long way.

Certainly not before your accident.

Wouldn't want to miss that.

Hey, Jay?

Yeah. You all right?

No. Glad to hear it.

Give you a hand.

I think we got ourselves a situation here.

Where are the contracts?

Bruce McFarlane took them back.

Why don't we ask him?

Peace out.

I'm going to max blow.

Thank you.

First person move, you got a dead body.

It's over, Ed.

Call the police.

These men have proof.

Looseman's been blackmailing me.

I'd like to see this evidence.

Well, I can't show it to you.

Probably shredded it by now.

Then what do you plan to show the police?

Say Leavenworth.

I owe you two my career.

Thank you. Hey, that's all right. Come on in, come on in.

Well, in fact, you've done so much already, I hate to ask you for anything

Hey, whatever you want, just ask.

This afternoon, Colonel Ahern asked me to be there when he burns the prints,

negative.

But I was supposed to take the kids on a field trip to Balboa Park.

And since I can't explain to the school why I...

Are

you

guys really detectives? You don't look like a detective. You look like a

gangster.

Glad to.

Give me that.