Original subtitles

Gee, I wonder why people think she's cracked. Tonight on Simon and Simon.

Three wheels from the big vermin, K -R -A -T.

I saw Terry Hudson get the daylights beaten out of him.

What do you two guys want? Well, we're looking for Terry, you know. Get out of

here, will you, before I have to have this place fumigated. Well, I want those

two detectives to stop breathing.

Hit it!

Road and Rock, San Diego.

Oh, I'm telling you the sound of that man's voice does things to me I cannot

begin to describe over the air. I bought his latest album and I took it home and

played it for my cat.

She started sleeping on the turntable.

Eight weeks later, yeah, she had kittens.

I'm not kidding.

Marsh coming ashore to tell you once again about the Marshland, K -R -A -T,

giveaway bonanza. We're going to give away one car a day for the whole month.

Now, you won't want to miss this golden opportunity.

Hey. Hey. Stop this job and go pound down some pancakes.

Hey, I can dig it.

You're never up this early, so you must be up real late, huh? You get lucky?

I will.

You want to?

I'm going to get the flapjacks to go. Oh, come on, Terry.

You didn't roll out at 4 a .m. just to cook up something weird with maple

I've been shooting the bull with Zimmerman.

You know Zimmerman, don't you?

Zimmerman? Uh -uh.

Sure you do.

Look, I gotta get something out of the backup studio. Why don't you finish your

shift and let's talk?

Okay. It's kind of serious.

I'll fill you in over the cakes, okay?

Okay.

This is the captain speaking.

Over and out.

Not a bad deal, free wheels from the big vermin K -R -A -T.

And speaking of wheels, personally, I've never made it a secret that raw

horsepower turns me on like a crazy.

And you know what else turns a girl on? Listen up now.

Furniture. But it's got to be hip furniture.

Remember that old couch that you got at the garage sale or that table your mommy

gave you?

Well, those will never do.

You're going to have to jog on down to Weevits where they're... Oh, my

God.

Two weeks down in Baja, fishing, drinking beer.

Hallelujah. I do believe it's vacation time. Here, one of those books. Give me

those books. Hey, hey, hey. No books allowed on this trip. What are you

about? Okay, fine. Two books. You can take two books on the trip. How to Mix

Perfect Margarita and How to Pick Up Women in Ensenada. You need the second

when you're in trouble. Big crowd. Hello.

Hi there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

I'm a terrible driver, just the worst.

You're lucky you didn't end up in the canal back there someplace.

We really should be more careful, both of you. We?

I'm looking for Rick and A .J. Simon.

Never heard of them. Don't know them. Can't help you. Oh, no. They're supposed

to live here.

Here? Uh -huh.

Oh, yeah. One kind of blonde.

One has dark hair and a mustache.

Gee, I don't know anybody like that, Fred. Do you?

He's Rick. I'm A .J. Way to go, Fred.

So the police came down. Bill Freeman, the station manager, came down.

came down.

Nothing.

Nobody saw a sign of him.

Nobody saw me. They're coming or going.

Nobody but you.

Yeah, that's right.

Nobody but crazy Susan.

Everybody started looking at me like maybe I was crazy.

Maybe I am.

Well, I've heard your show, and I guess somebody wanted to make a case that you

are, say, slightly eccentric.

Slightly eccentric.

I like that.

Who is Zimmerman?

I wish I knew.

I mean, Terry never mentioned him before.

Never mentioned anybody.

That's typical, though.

I mean, when you work a mic for a living, you move around too much to make

friends.

And he was about to move on again?

Yeah.

That's what Freeman told the cops, that he'd fired him yesterday afternoon.

It whacked me out.

I mean, Terry worked afternoon drives. He just had his third up book in a row.

He had what?

Ratings, you know, numbers.

Terry was hot.

I don't care what he said.

Whatever he was into couldn't have been heavy enough to get him fired. No way.

You're sure about this?

I mean, about he was going to tell him something heavy, Zimmerman, the whole

thing? Look, I'll admit to being a little flaky, okay?

But that never happens at the mic.

Work is the one place where I've got everything under control.

I saw Terry Hudson get the daylights beaten out of him.

Okay.

One more load, that's it.

Hey, Jay, we're ready to go.

You're gonna like this. This is interesting.

It's what?

It's very interesting.

Private detectives?

What does she go and do that for?

She works for you. You tell me.

Look, you swore that no one would give a rat's patootie about some flake of a

disc jockey. Usually that's the way it is. Disc jockeys come and go on a

moment's notice and nobody cares.

Where is Hudson, anyway?

Susan said he was getting cream.

Oh, I had Tony and Jack rough him up a little.

They were just supposed to lean on him. Look, forget about Hudson. We still have

to find the list.

Hudson didn't tell you where it is? No.

You still know where Hudson is, don't you?

We know where he is, all right. Well, then force him to tell you. We've got to

find out what he did with it.

Well, you sure changed your tune in a hurry.

Look, chances are anybody finds Hudson's list, they're not going to know what

the hell it is anyway.

Can we afford to take that risk?

You started this thing, finish it.

It's already finished.

At least as far as Terry's concerned. See, Jack and Tony went a little

overboard.

You

know,

we could be hooking a big model right now. You know that. Uh -huh.

Hook Terry Hudson first. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look out, Lear.

For what, rats?

but I'm not going to argue with either one of them.

Hey, what's going on here?

The door. What happened to the door?

The furniture.

Where's all the furniture?

Well, more importantly, where's Terry Hudson?

He ain't here?

I don't believe it.

Don't believe what? The nerve of this guy. He must have skipped out and took

my furniture with him. Your furniture?

This is a furnished apartment.

Wait till I call the cops on that creep.

Excuse me. I take it that means you haven't seen him?

Seen him?

I could kill him. Look at this.

I understand that.

She will give you a make good on that, don't worry.

You got my word as program director, one free commercial.

I love you. Now go on, get out of here, will you?

I hate him. I wish he'd go on and get out of here permanently.

What do you two guys want?

Those suits aren't wet, are they?

Oh, no, no, not yet. Look, we're, you know, like, well, we're looking for

you know.

I mean, Terry hasn't been around, so, you know, like... Well, we're looking

him. You friends of Terry or what? Oh, yeah, yeah, you know, like he owes us

some money.

Right.

Terry owes everybody money.

Yeah, him and Zimmerman.

If you say so. I don't know this guy Zimmerman.

As for Terry, that sleazeball had an IOU list as long as a surfboard.

He owes us one, too. He borrowed one from my friend Mojo here.

Yeah.

Well, do you know where we could find Terry, Mr. Freeman?

Not since I fired him, no. He's out of here for good. He may be on a flyer to

Mexico, for all I know.

Well, why do you say that?

I mean, you know, like, except for, you know, like the money thing, you know?

Terry was a cool dude.

Cool dude.

Yeah.

I love you guys. You spend so much time on the beach, when you finally do come

inland, it's like you're on a safari. Huh?

Well, why'd you fire Terry, Mr. Freeman? I mean, he spun some groovy sides, you

know? You guys know they closed the Fillmore, right?

No.

What am I sitting here justifying myself to you guys for? Get out of here, will

you, before I have to have this place fumigated.

If you fired Terry, maybe you got it.

You got a spot open, and, hey, I could fill Terry's sandals, you know?

Please, go back to the beach and snort some sand, will you?

Okay.

That's cool.

Like in Cool Jerk, you know, huh? Hey, take Mr. Music with you, will you,

please? Oh, hey, yeah.

Come on, Joe.

Did you get it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it, but what did he tell us?

He's a sleazeball.

In this case, it takes one to know one.

Come on, let me get him up.

What am I supposed to think?

The door was open. Whoever does your house... You don't have to shout. I am

shouting. Come on, AJ, you're not dying. It just seems like that.

All right, come on, get your face under here. Come on, get up.

All right, now breathe real slow.

Deep breaths, deep breaths, real slow.

to find myself to you guys for. Get out of here, will you, before I have to have

you... Is that true?

About Terry owing everybody money?

Oh, not really.

Nickel and dime stuff, you know. He owed me maybe ten dollars.

You know, this could all just have been burglars.

Yeah.

What's so funny?

There's a heck of a sunburn you got there, pal.

I do?

Wonderful.

You're the one who said you believed her.

When's your shift?

Midnight till five.

And what time does Freeman leave?

Oh, he's usually gone by the time I get there.

Why don't we go to work with Susan tonight? Check out the backup studio.

Terry had to be after something.

Is this true?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Not particularly.

You! Oh!

I'm sorry!

Oh, I'm sorry!

Into the jacket, Susan.

It's time to go back to the farm.

We've allowed you to run free.

Hey, I wonder why people think she's cracked.

Oh, I can't imagine.

I give the image a little rest, don't you think?

That's what I'm going to give me.

Want some coffee?

Yeah.

Bob Dylan, Highway 51, Revisited.

There's no...

Madness.

Windfall.

What's Dylan doing in here?

Wait a minute.

Bob Dylan, real name Bob Zimmerman.

Hello.

out again.

Rick, you all right?

Yeah. You sure?

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

What happened to you? I got punched. What happened to you?

Why did you let them put this on my head?

You were bleeding.

I bleed real easy.

Easier than I can grow that hair back.

Forget about your hair. There's nothing there to worry about.

Try and remember the list, okay?

How many names were on it? Come on, Rick, concentrate.

I've been out for the last six hours. Right now I've got to concentrate to

my eyes from crossing.

Let's see.

Must have been 50, 60 names on the list.

Okay, first name.

Harold.

Harold. Wrong.

Howard. Howard. Howard Messner.

No.

Messinger. Howard.

I can't remember.

Look, you know, if you saw the list, even if it was only for a second, my

should be able to help. What does your friend do?

Benny's a hypnotist. He does a matinee.

Yes, folks, they will do whatever I tell them, and they won't remember a thing.

The marvel of hypnosis.

Craziness without guilt.

I see.

Mm -hmm. Good news. Very good.

Oh, this breakfast looks wonderful. Hi, hi. Please, just look at that. Hi, how

are you?

Don't, shh, be quiet. Don't wake them up.

Okay. Well, I think they've eaten about enough, don't you, folks? Is it time

to... Yes, that's right. It's time to work off all those breakfast calories,

right? Ready, go.

We love Jane Fonda. We love Jane Fonda. We love Jane Fonda. We love Jane Fonda.

And they're all registered Republicans.

We love Jane Fonda.

Thank you. Well, that wraps up my matinee show. If you liked it, I'll be

here again at 6. Please join me. If you didn't, like this gentleman here, then

please be somewhere else. Thank you, and remember, you're all awake and feeling

fine. Thank you very much.

Some people will sit still for anything.

Yeah. Which album did you find the sheet of paper in, Rick?

Bob Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited.

You're taking the sheet of paper out of Highway 61 Revisited. Can you see it?

Yes.

Good.

Can you tell us what's on it?

No.

It's folded over.

Did you unfold it?

Yes.

You're unfolding it now.

What do you see?

Names. List of names.

Can you see the names clearly?

Yes.

Tell me the first name on the list.

Harold L. Messinger.

Very good, good. You're doing just fine.

Am I?

Oh, yes. Good.

Now, tell us the other names on the list after the name Harold

L. Messinger. Harold L. Messinger.

Lucy Erin Usher.

Gregory D.

Civello.

Todd McElhaney, no middle initial.

McElhaney. Stuart Pites.

Pites. Cindy B.

Gitterman.

Uh -huh.

Still don't believe it.

It didn't make me do anything embarrassing, did it? Like, think I was

or something like that?

No. Made you howl at the moon and scratch leaves. There's nothing you

normally.

He's kidding, right? Tell me he's kidding. He's kidding. No, he's not.

Did you recognize any of the names?

No, not at all.

When I don't want you to get rid of somebody, you get rid of them.

When I ask you to get rid of somebody, you blow it.

Hudson was an accident.

I don't give a tinker's damn about Hudson. It's those two detectives.

I want them out of the way for good before they figure out that list.

How are they going to figure it out? All those names are history.

Hudson figured it out, didn't he?

Yeah, but all the winners were announced on Hudson's show.

Is that it?

No.

I want those two detectives.

And I want them to stop breathing in a very abrupt manner as soon as possible.

Today!

Yeah,

voter registration was the ticket.

Good thing you had the full names.

Everyone in the Southern California area.

Not just San Diego?

No, no. Some are in Los Angeles, some in Riverside, a couple in Redlands, one in

Anaheim, one in Long Beach. Well, how many in the San Diego area?

This group here, 18 out of the 60.

Well, anything else today, or anyone?

That's it.

Thank you very much, Julia. You know where to send the bill. I can't carry

guys much longer.

You mean he didn't pay you?

All right, what are the damages?

$457 .31.

Hey, come on.

We're good for it. Relax.

I'm relaxed.

Hey, look, all I have to do is tap a couple of buttons here and you can kiss

your credit goodbye.

That's illegal.

So is that.

Okay.

Ah, Julius, one little thing, okay?

These 18 people?

Still in town, right?

Yes, except for one thing. You see that little symbol there next to their names?

Yeah. That means they're deceased.

All of us.

Dead.

What is it?

Weird is what it is.

All these people bought a new car right around the time they died.

Not only that, they bought the exact same make and model, financed through

same bank.

Where'd that computer come from?

Let's see.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh what?

All right, now look at this.

People that died in 81, about that year's make and model.

People that died in 82, about that year's make and model.

Look at this. They all died just about the same time during the year, the fall.

I'll show you something else that's weird. Okay, fine.

Each of the cars was registered a few days after they died. All right.

Gee, I never realized there was such a large market for automobile among dead

people. Well, maybe the stairway to heaven is actually a freeway to heaven.

Well, I'll tell you.

I'd die happy if I could find just one thing about this case that made some

sense. What do you got?

Okay.

All of these people must have died broke because the county provided burial for

each and every one of them.

Cremation? Yep.

Well, that means no friends and no relatives.

Take a look at the address. It's strictly Skid Row.

All right.

Let's put this thing into perspective.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, okay?

But this is the way I got this thing figured.

What we have here is a whole bunch of people with no money who go out and buy

brand new cars just after they die.

Is that pretty much the way you got it figured?

That's pretty much the way I got it figured, yeah.

And what, I ask myself, has Terry Hudson got to do with all of this? If he's

dead, he probably just bought a new car.

There you go.

Or else you just won a new car.

Of course.

The big giveaway bonanza.

Marsh and K -Rat get a scam going. Terry finds out about it. He gets greased.

But what a nice little scam.

Isn't it, though? They pick a card every day for a month. The winner gets a

brand new automobile, courtesy of Owen Marsh. Yeah, except the winner's already

dead.

Well, you figure he forges the pink slip? Yeah, sure, of course. I mean,

he gets the tax write -off, and then he gets to turn around and resell the car.

Freeman's got to be in on it.

So what? Still a nice split.

Certainly is.

30 cards.

That's, uh, oh, what do you think, 10 ,000 each?

That's a little sideline.

So there's the end of the line.

Keep sending those cars to K -R -A -T.

You, too, could be the lucky winner of a brand new car in the marshland. K -R -A

-T. Giveaway Bonanza.

This is Captain Marsh signing off.

Still doesn't add up.

They give away 30 cars, but there's only 15 names on the list for each year.

So? They're not as greedy as we thought.

15 cars go to real winners.

15 to the stiffs.

Sounds right.

You're going to need something a lot more solid than that to nail Mark.

So something, I don't know, sales records, something good.

Maybe these guys behind us can help.

Uh -uh. Could they be any more obvious?

We'll see.

Making it awfully easy for us.

They know we're back here.

I know.

They know we know that.

You okay?

Yeah, you?

Yeah, I think so.

Great. Yeah.

What color is the truck on your side?

Red. You know it's red.

Not on this side, it isn't. What?

Ah!

Damn it! I'm all out of that color, too.

What about that paint you bought? Oh, that's no good. You have any idea how

money it's going to cost me to get red lead paint, repaint this? Relax. They

going to pay for it. You bet they're going to pay for it just as soon as we

our hands on a sale receipt.

What time is Marklin closed tonight?

About the time Susan goes on the air.

All right. I'll ride shotgun on Susan. You hit the good old cap.

Oh, hey, this is getting close. You got to do the... Here, one up, one down.

Okay, I'll... You got it? Yeah. Here's the list of winners so far this year.

Oh, good.

Where'd you get this?

Oh, they put them on the bulletin board.

Um, do the winners come down here and pick up their cars?

No, they go out to marshland after we notify them.

Uh -huh.

Here.

Recognize any of them?

Hmm, uh -uh. No, uh -uh.

Who picks the winners out of the drums?

Freeman. And does anybody from the station go down there to Marshland to

congratulate the winner?

Yeah, sure.

Freeman.

Hey,

you're worried about AJ.

I think I'll be okay here.

Yeah? Really, yeah.

You forgetting what happened to Terry?

Harold L.

Messinger.

Well, well, well.

Lucia, I'm sure.

If you two hadn't bought this this afternoon, we wouldn't have to be

about this.

Well, we're getting a little over our head right now, you know.

Surprise!

You mean I don't get a free car?

No!

He isn't back yet?

Can't reach him. Come on. Go on. Hungry.

Hungry? Hungry.

Hi. How you doing?

The music's on, too?

You called your mother at this hour just to join us for breakfast?

No. Join you for breakfast.

Thought you could have some company.

Well, I hope she doesn't mind getting up at dawn.

Huh?

Up with the rooster.

Hi. All right.

What's so terribly important?

Breakfast. What you always say, right?

Here? The only place open at the crack of dawn.

Oh, Mom, I'd like you to meet Susan Sackwell. Susan, I'd like you to meet...

The greatest mom a guy could ever even hope to meet. All right, just save it.

Just what kind of trouble are you in?

Gee, you're a little grumpy this morning, aren't you?

I didn't disturb you and Mr.

G. I am handsome even if I do dye my hair, did I?

I'm sorry, Mr. Simon.

Look, I think maybe we'd do all your mother an explanation, Rick. Hey, what's

explain? I'm buying.

Hey, come on. Certain circles.

Enrique's Roach Coach is considered a gourmet's hot night out. Or morning.

It's all good, but I recommend either the chili side or the jalapeno poached

eggs. Hey, Enrique, my mom over here. You take good care of her, okay?

See you later.

Love you.

How you doing, Rick? Hey, Bubba, keep an eye on them, all right? Yeah, right.

Hey, there's another check.

All right, hold it right there.

Get over here.

Bang that key.

All right, turn it on in reverse.

All right, get down here. On the ground, face down.

AJ.

I think I'm glad to see you. You ought to be. You're about 30 seconds away from

starting life over again as a beer can.

No, get me out of here.

Huh? Get me out of here!

You're here off the early.

I thought we weren't leaving for Baja till around noon.

Sit down.

I am sitting down. Oh, yeah. I want you to listen to something.

How long you been here?

All night. Well, since about one o 'clock in the morning anyway.

Why? You know how you're always complaining we never have enough tax

at the end of the year?

I wouldn't call that always complaining. The fact remains we could use a few

more tax deductions. Some besides these matches we're always leaving in bars and

hotel rooms in the back seats of squad cars, right?

Right? Is this where I hold my breath?

Don't hold your breath. Just listen.

arrows yet found yourself at a dead end friends relatives you can't confide in

them or you do confide in them and they stop returning your calls what will you

do what can you do who can help you with your problem who can you depend on

us that's who we're simon and simon confidential

investigations discreet efficient professional

We solve problems that don't seem to have solutions, and your consultation is

always free.

So, next time you're in trouble, call us. We're in the phone book.

You

did

that all by yourself?

Yep. Well, I borrowed some of the effects tapes from Susan's radio

But I figure, oh, I figure 10 plays a day, K -R -A -T, and they got a special

rate going right now. Absolutely serious. Come on. I thought you were

Does this sound like a joke? Yes.

Look, we're going to put this on the air, even if I have to use my own money.

Yes, we are.

No, we're not, and I'll tell you why we're not. Why?

You remember Benny, the hypnotist? Yeah.

Well, I lied to you about him.

While you were under, he left a little post -hypnotic suggestion.

Oh, he did not.

Oh, yes, he did.

And all I have to do is say one word, just one particular word, and you

will, well, it is highly probable that you will be removed from society.

What will I do?

I'm going to make some coffee. Hey, come on, A .J., what will I do? I mean,

anybody could say that word any time, any place. Come on, what will I do, huh?

That's right, good idea.

What will I do?