Original subtitles

Hi, folks. All aboard for low, low prices as Straxler's announces its

great train wreck sale.

That's right.

A little engine that could, couldn't. And we've spent the whole month picking

hundreds of quality factory direct furniture off the hillsides of...

Long brought to you by Traxler Discount Furniture Warehouse. Hi, folks. I'm

Harold Traxler. I'm going out of my mind this month with Traxler's Temporary

Insanity Sale.

This month only, we're losing our marbles to give you the best buys in

furniture, appliances, antiques, break -a -backs, paddy wax.

Hello. That's okay.

How soon?

Tomorrow night.

Call me certifiable, but call me that, hey, we're the best values in town.

Living in Norfolk for the first 45 months down here, they will receive a

black velveteen original work of art.

Where's my newspaper?

The newspaper's not a community thing around here.

It's supposed to be on my desk every morning when I walk in.

You see what happens when you don't get your A .V. shot?

You, get me the file on Perkins.

And where's Stockdale?

And get me those copies I asked for yesterday.

Right away, Mr. Fowler. And get me Horace on the phone.

Yes, sir, Mr. Fowler. And get me some coffee.

Coming, Mr. Fowler.

All right.

I'll make the copies for you and let him get his own copy. Oh, thanks, Janet.

The copier's broken again.

It's funny. It was fun last night.

It's jammed now.

Daddy, were you in the filing cabinet again? No, why?

Just curious.

In 30 minutes, he won't have an office to come to anymore.

And for the last time, where's the coffee?

Are we waiting for special delivery from Brazil?

He's on a roll this morning.

Wait, Dad, give that about a three on the Richter. Oh, no, no, no. A three is

when one of his horses finishes out of the money. Now, this one, there's a good

base to the growl, but the endurance just isn't there. No, I give this one

tops. Well, I'd have to give it a 3 .3 in myself. He managed to drive Janet

right out of the office.

Oh, Wally. Good morning.

Daddy's on the warpath.

Hi.

Good morning.

We'll not only offer you political asylum, we'll even offer you breakfast.

No, thanks.

Hey, don't worry about him. He just got up on the wrong side of the bed this

morning. Of course, considering that it's Meyer and he sleeps on the wrong

of the bed.

If you could be serious for a moment.

I have got a problem.

One of Daddy's confidential files is missing.

Missing?

As in stolen from the locked filing cabinet in his office.

What kind of file?

Well, it's the kind you can blackmail somebody with. It's a rich client with

embarrassing personal situation.

It is Harold Traxler.

The guy with the awful discount furniture commercials?

Hey, he's a classic.

I stay up and watch Highway Patrol just to see him. He's got this one.

where he goes into this forest of sofa beds in this giant warehouse with this

half -naked girl, and he... Do you think it was an inside job? One of Myron's

hundreds of trained investigators?

Yep. I haven't told him yet. I want you to handle the case.

Us?

Well, would a brain surgeon operate on his own brain? Yeah, we're going to talk

about brains. Let's leave Myron out of this.

Okay, if you don't want the job, I'll just let my little fingers do some

walking. No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What do you think?

Well, I think I ought to disqualify myself from this case.

Why? Conflict of interest.

Well, the word of this gets out. My reputation's going to be ruined, right?

Over my dead body.

Daddy, be reasonable. It could have been anybody in the office. Now, come on.

You can't give that case to one of your operatives.

No, no, no. If you try to investigate it, you're going to get mad. You're

to fire everybody in the office. We will never get the file back.

A good attorney never represents himself.

I was right to go outside. You have to admit that.

Oh, Daddy, look, the way I've got it figured, whoever it was planned to copy

file and then put it back.

Well, now the copier broke down, so if he thinks that we haven't noticed that

the file is missing... They'll come back and try and return it.

Mm -hmm, and you two will be there to catch him.

Okay with you?

I want a professional discount.

Myron, we charge an honest rate.

Hey, come on. I'm practically family.

Adopt us. We'll talk about it. I don't want him involved.

We work as a team.

I want daily reports.

Weekly. I want receipts for all expenses.

Even bribes. A good investigator. Tell another good investigator how to do his

job.

Hello, Wally.

What the hell do you expect me to do?

Look at the options you've given me.

I could break your legs and fire you.

Or I could break your legs, fire you, and call the police.

Or I could just break your legs for starters and then work my way up the

your body.

Wally, do you want me to turn you over to those two monkey grips out there?

Come on, Myron.

I've played good cop, bad cop. You taught me.

Then what the hell's got you running so scared that you're trash?

20 years of trust and friendship, and you don't even have the guts to tell me

why.

Wally, please, talk to me. You playing the horses?

You're the loan sharks, the mob?

Why?

It's worse.

What could be worse?

That's your life, Wally.

I'm putting the word out on you today.

You're never going to work on this business again.

He wouldn't tell me.

He wouldn't tell you anything?

Nothing. And you let him walk out of here, Meyer, and we could have broken

Somebody already broke him, Rick.

Somebody pushed all the right buttons and took his manhood away from him.

I saw it happen in Korea.

While he's scared to death, I've known him 20 years.

I want you guys to stick on him like cheap cologne.

I want to know everywhere he goes, everyone he sees.

I want to know who did this to him.

He's a friend of mine.

Power, Wally. You know what I'd do?

I'd go to Hawaii.

Be packing my bags right now.

Always wanted to be on a stakeout in Hawaii.

I think we better move.

What are you talking about?

Sun's right, nice breeze. Can't you just hear the soft rustling of dollar bills

every minute we sit here? Yeah, but that little old lady over there has been

watering the same rows for the past 20 minutes.

Yeah, so?

So she's made us.

So she's going to call the police.

So we're going to have to answer some very awkward questions.

So Wally's going to find out that we've made him.

So Myron's going to fire us. So I'll take care of it.

I'd just like to introduce myself. My name is Rick Simon. That's my brother A

.J. out there with our attack -trained security animal.

We're part of Community Watch.

That's a citizens' action group that was formed to discourage burglary and other

neighborhood crime.

You are?

Yes, ma 'am. I just wanted to let you know we're going to be operating in this

area on a trial basis this week.

Well,

it just so happens that last...

is proud to announce our It's a Boy sale.

Come in for your free cigar and a look at the biggest bargain since our Damage

in Transit sale.

Hundreds of dinette sets, sofa beds, three -piece sectionals. Hold it. Honey,

she's laid on the queen's sleeper again.

Okay, cut it.

Let's pick it up again at the dinette set.

Carolyn, want to walk it again?

And while you're at it, better let her work out on that rockery clatter so that

we don't have to call the fire department again.

I'm glad you called me about the missing file, Myron. Do me a favor. Sure.

Forget all about it.

Pretend it never happened. What are you talking about?

Harold, is somebody putting the arm on you? No.

It's personal. I can handle it.

Anything you try to do to help will just make it worse.

Understand? No, I don't understand.

Then trust me.

Myron, I'm your best client, right?

So, I get in trouble with the girls every few months. It's money out of my

pocket into yours.

What's wrong with that?

Just drop it.

That file was stolen out of my office. You trusted me and I betrayed that. I

still trust you. Trust me. Stay out of it, please.

Ready when you are, Mr. T.

Okay.

Be with you in a minute, Barbara.

and had their kind of excitement since Barnaby Jones went off the air.

Well, most of our work is just a routine precaution. I'd kind of appreciate it

if you didn't tell the rest of the neighbors about this. Oh,

was he like a brownie? Oh, yes, ma 'am. You know, it made me so mad.

He was the one thing that we seniors could relate to.

It is very good. What do you put in here?

The usual thing.

Flour, sugar, chocolate, fifth of gin.

Call them my happy hour brownies.

Well, they're very good.

Why don't you take one for your friend? Oh, thank you very much. And one for

later. Okay, thank you a lot.

Oh, and... No, no, no, I don't want to take all your brownies, Miss Mitchell.

Thank you.

Very good.

Thank you.

Bye -bye.

Bye.

Here you go, Marlowe. A little reward for being so patient.

How about punching one into your computer there for me, okay?

All right, it's California, 284, Yankee, Bravo, Victor.

Okay.

Yeah, Frank what?

Frank Kim, let me write that down.

All right, got it.

Yeah.

Well, of course I remember your hot tub.

It was worth every splinter of it.

Thursday at 8?

All right.

Yeah, listen, Nadine, should I bring my snorkel and fins?

Absolutely.

All right, bye -bye.

We belong at the same health club.

I went out to teach Raxler.

And what did he say?

Nothing.

Nothing, as in not much, or nothing as in what we got from Wally?

He said I just would have forget it ever happened.

Forget whatever happened. Myron, what is in that file?

Harold keeps getting in trouble with those girls he does those commercials

It costs him a lot of money to keep things quiet.

Well, if he's not afraid of blackmail, what is he afraid of?

Not what.

Who?

Traxler wasn't scared as Wally was.

Maybe more so.

Whoever stole that file has got two grown men absolutely terrified.

What kind of a monster are we dealing with?

Well, at least we know it's federal.

Now, what the hell? I'm a veteran.

You can't park here.

Why not? They parked in my space for two years.

You sure it was an honorable discharge?

Barely.

How's everything going up on your floor?

Got a lead?

We do.

You better come in, Myron, and shut the door.

Good news, isn't it?

Yeah, it's great news, just one little problem.

What's that?

You were asking earlier who could possibly strike fear into the hearts of

otherwise strong men.

Yeah? We found out.

Yeah? It's worse than we thought.

That's what Wally said.

That's what Traxler said.

So who is it?

The IRS.

No, it couldn't be.

Now, why would the IRS want to steal a file out of my office?

I filed my tax return on time this year, didn't I?

I don't know, Danny.

Are you sure? The IRS?

We will be sure by this time tomorrow.

Mr. Simon?

Yes? Mr. Campbell, see you now.

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Yes, yes.

One moment, please.

Yes, you're Mr... Simon, A .J. Simon.

Yes, Mr.

Simon, you're here to be audited for what year, 19?

Oh, actually, I'm not being audited at all.

In fact, this was my idea.

Mr. Simon, if you're here to protest a disallowance, you're wasting my time and

yours. I could recommend an excellent tax attorney.

No, no, it's not that.

Then why are you here?

Well, this is rather embarrassing.

My conscience won't let me forget it. It was 1977.

What about 1977?

I made an error on my income tax return.

I'm amazed, actually, that the IRS didn't spot it. What happened, see, was

I forgot to include it under income.

I was left with stocks by my father, and, you know, the dividends never

amount to all that much.

$148 .37.

You're telling me that you forgot to declare a stock dividend for $148.

Yes. And you were in the 30 % bracket that year, which would mean that you

owe an additional... $44 .51.

What interest?

Four years' interest?

Ah, of course. I forgot about the interest.

You do seem to have a memory problem, Mr. Simon.

We met at the Peerless Christmas Party last year, remember?

Oh, sure. How are you? I'm fine, I'm fine. Listen, I just came by to say

to Wally.

Well, he left for Baltimore this morning.

Baltimore? My brothers live there. My family's in the meatpacking business.

yeah, that's right. Wally, he said something about going into a different

of work.

Listen, guys at the office, we were just, you know, wondering, is everything

okay? I mean, Wally picking up steaks so quickly and everything?

Everything's fine.

You sure now? No problem, like a medical problem or anything like that?

No, really, thank you. Okay. All I know, it seems like a sudden decision, but

Wally said he'd been thinking about it for months. And then the tax audit

out to be nothing.

Audit? Yes, we were audited for 77, 78, and 79.

Wally was very upset about it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Wally mentioned

something about that, yeah. Yeah, he hardly slept for two weeks. But then

you went to see the auditor, it turned out to be no problem at all.

None? No, we didn't even have to pay anything extra.

Oh, that's terrific.

Well, listen, tell Wally I said hello and goodbye, okay?

Okay. Bye. Bye.

Mr.

Simon, you've claimed a deduction for dry cleaning?

Yes, well, in my line of work, appearance is very important.

You're a private investigator?

Yes.

Well, Mr. Simon, there appear to be a few discrepancies, but nothing worth

into detail for.

We'll be sending you a bill, Mr. Simon, with the proper interest calculated for

you.

Right. Thank you.

Oh,

we got a real winner here. Threatened to blow up the First Lady's new china.

First Lady of China.

You're Campbell F., right?

You want to stick around? That's fine by me. I'll work around you. What do you

think you're doing?

It's all in the memo.

What memo?

What do you mean? You didn't get the... Oh, those jerks in dispatch.

Hey, look, can I borrow your pen here, pal? I left mine down in the truck.

May I see some identification?

What are you, Jack Webb?

Here, hold the end of this up against the windowsill over there, would you

please?

Right over there against the windowsill. Right down there at the bottom. That's

it. You wanted a bigger office, right? We're going to give you a bigger office.

Knock out a couple of these walls, give you a lot more room. You'll be happy.

It'll be wonderful and terrific.

There you go.

What about the window?

Window?

Nobody said nothing to me about no window, but, you know, I'll check with

supervisor, see what I can do.

I don't see no problem with that. Window there would be nice, yeah.

Window.

You've disturbed anything.

You'll never work for the civil service again.

Is that a promise?

Why is his mark no action taken?

Traxler's is marked pending.

Tampering with government documents is a federal offense.

Gentlemen, if I were you, I'd put that back in the right place.

Blackmail, extortion, and fraud are not federal offenses, Mr. Campbell, but I

think it did not put you away for a little while.

So Traxler hired himself two more private investigators, a very unique tax

shelter. Well, it's only going to get him into more trouble.

You're the one that's in trouble, Mr. Campbell.

I am? Oh, no, I don't think so.

Not at all.

This is Frank Campbell, room 507C. I need a security guard.

Emergency.

No, no. Please come at your convenience.

Thank you.

I should have realized.

You and your anguished taxpayer routine.

However, I must admit you had me fooled.

Now, I don't think you realize just how serious this trouble is, Mr. Campbell.

Now, we can prove... You can prove what?

That I asked Wally to do me a favor?

In return, I would overlook a few discrepancies in his income tax return?

You can't prove that.

Wally won't help you.

Wally's in a lot of trouble lately.

I'll reopen his case.

More than likely, he'll end up in prison and his family penalized. I don't think

Wally would be too eager to testify.

Now...

You tell Harold that all of his expensive accountants and lawyers aren't

to save him.

And you two are going to wish that you'd never been born.

What do you think you're doing? You come into my office and you threaten me?

Who do you think you're dealing with? Some petty bureaucrat with a GS -9 who's

afraid of his own shadow?

I'm in trouble?

Oh, no.

You just don't know where you are.

You and poor old Harold.

Well, let me tell you where you've landed.

You've landed right here.

And you're going to be sorry.

Very, very sorry.

Do you have a problem here, Mr. Campbell?

A problem?

Oh, no.

No, these two gentlemen were trying to find the way out.

All right, this way, gentlemen.

He's my boat.

They say I didn't even file a tax return last year. Do you believe this? They

can't do this.

You want to bet?

Check that one out.

Well, how could you owe $5 ,180 in back taxes?

Oh, simple, Campbell. Just move the decimal point. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I have ten days to pay it.

Otherwise, they freeze my assets. They seize all my property. Are you kidding?

It'll take ten days to get an appointment just to straighten this mess

got to freeze his assets.

Myron. It's not going to do any good, but it'll make me feel better. I'm going

to kill both of them.

Myron being audited too?

with a couple of guys with a tow truck.

What?

Hey!

Harold, I'm telling you this thing isn't private anymore.

It's happening to all of us.

Campbell is insane and he's got to be stopped. Look, a man is using the United

States government for his own personal motive.

Now, he is making a mockery out of everything that this country stands for.

And you're letting it happen.

If you don't tell us...

Why Campbell is after you, we can't stop him.

Harold, what'd you do to him?

We were partners 20 years ago in Des Moines.

I drove a truck door to door asking people if they had any used furniture

wanted to get rid of.

Frank was a whiz with the books.

See this woman standing in the middle?

Harold, you didn't.

I did.

You know me, Myron.

It was her idea.

I wanted to tell Frank. She convinced me to go to Reno that night.

It was all over in a month. The divorce, the marriage, and the divorce.

Now, wait a minute. How did you manage two divorces?

She left me for a track -to -part salesman. I was luckier than Frank,

At least she didn't take my shares in the business.

She took Campbell to the cleaners?

She modernized him. She fiddled with the books and took his shares and left him

high and dry.

He was destroyed.

Frank left town one week before Cheryl left me. I didn't even have a chance to

tell him. And he's held a grudge against you for 20 years?

I wrote him one every year.

All returned unopened.

Then I lost track of him. I didn't even know he was in San Diego until I got

into this tax problem. He audited me for 76 and 77.

I was clean. So I guess he got frantic.

Hey, I got good accounts.

So he threatened to use the file he stole from your office to get me to

the rulings on 78, 79, and 80. I had no choice.

I lose my business fast because of the girls, or I lose my business slow

of the IRS.

Harold, uh...

You're just going to have to help us out.

If you don't, this gamble will squeeze you to death. If I fight him, he'll only

get me sooner.

That's wrong.

He's beaten you because you've given up.

How can you fight the IRS?

Well, we may have a plan, but we're going to need your help.

than he is on those commercials.

Is it him?

on a nervous breakdown before.

Thanks for coming, Frank.

At least now we can talk face to face, man to man.

You're about 20 years too late for that, Harold. You know how many times I

tried? I can't take this anymore.

You've got to give me a chance to make things up to you.

I'll give you anything you want.

You don't have anything that I want anymore.

Cheryl would have left you anyway.

She was no damn good.

She left me after a month, ran off with some salesman.

An executive vice president, Harold.

It lasted four years.

Then she married a computer technician.

That lasted five years.

She's single now.

I see her returns annually.

She's having a lot of trouble with her taxes.

When is it going to end?

When are you going to be satisfied?

Haven't you had enough?

Well, if I had my way, it would never end.

Of course, sooner or later, you'll be ruined.

The way you ruined me.

Then it will be all over for you, Harold.

Now, now, Harold, that's a stupid, stupid move.

You could kill me, but you can't kill the federal government.

You're on the list.

Yes, even if you killed me and got away with it, Uncle Sam would never give you

a moment's peace.

I thought I could reason with you, but I was wrong. You're insane, Frank!

I'm not gonna let you... Did you torture me?

Is he dead?

He killed him.

AJ, call the police.

No!

You think he'd want it? I will if you will.

Hey, hey, hey, slow down. We don't want to lose them. Oh, yeah, right.

Is he over that way?

Nope.

I think we've lost him. Ah, nuts.

Yep.

Uh -huh.

We've got him. He's right behind us. Okay, I'll go right. You go left.

At least it'll be here by now.

All our batters on time is trains.

How many shots did you fire, anyway?

Six.

That's all right.

Ooh, we would have bought the farm with that one.

I would eat cat -like reflexes, come on.

Goodbye, Mr. Simon.

The United States government will miss your annual contributions.

You okay?

Yeah.

You want to get up?

Yeah. Okay.

Don't move, mister.

Get his gun.

Hold it. Oh.

I didn't mean to kill him.

I'll show you.

I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it.

It was self -defense.

I didn't kill him, I swear.

You shot Traxler? Yes.

No, I... His body is... It was... It was right here.

I mean...

And they saw him.

He shot himself.

Right here. Who?

Traxler.

What's going on?

No.

No, it can't be.

You're supposed to... What's he talking about?

I don't know. He's got this crazy idea that you're dead.

Dead? Me?

I never felt better in my life.

Oh, I see.

You're trying to get me to think.

Well, it won't work.

Nobody's going to hurt you, pal.

Now, come on.

Time to go.

No, no, I saw it with my own eyes.

It was self -defense.

Ask them. They saw it.

Oh, no, no. I saw it.

It was self -defense.

He shot himself.

You've got to understand.

Please.

Tell me you understand.

Sure.

Don't worry about a thing.

Everything's going to be okay.

We're going to go to the car. We're going to take a ride to the hospital.

can tell the doctor all about it.

Who is he?

Frank Campbell.

He works for the IRS.

I don't think he's going to be working anywhere for quite a while.

soap operas.

I don't know how you can stand to watch them. Who cares about tracks where it

happens and I'm a furniture lover.

Just look at that match set.

Yet everybody we know knows we're more than brothers, we're best of friends.

We may not look or think like one another, and there are times when we

each other.