Original subtitles

Mousie, what's all the racket out there? Take a look.

It's a bunch of kids playing baseball, little kids.

Here it comes.

Hey, did you see a ball...

Oh, there it is!

You're out!

All right, all right.

All right, yes, it was very nice, and you're wonderful.

But if you don't please take that mask off,

- you're gonna break my whole head. - Oh.

Willard, you're my real hero. You're just the greatest.

- No, you are the best. - No, no, no, you.

No, you are. What's the difference? We're late, and we have to get going.

Oh, Willard, can't they wait?

No, not this time, darling. It's very important. Now, come on.

- I know. - Start unwinding. Let's go.

Today was the best game, I think, of all of the games, don't you?

Sure.

Yeah, I liked it the best, too. All right, down you go.

Come on, honey, we don't want to be late.

Okay, I'm hurrying.

Buttons, buttons.

There you are.

Get your gloves, honey.

Don't forget, pants.

After you.

You're looking divine, Miss Peyton.

Thank you, Willard. You're not so bad yourself.

A 10-year-old girl has got to pick a new father

- from a group of five nutty uncles. - They are not nutty.

Eccentric, maybe.

Why don't you relax? After all, it was his last wish.

Let's respect it and get on with it.

Now I have prepared some brochures on each one of the nutty uncles.

On each one of the uncles.

The information should give us some idea

of what we expect from each one.

- What about the money? - What about it?

He left her $30 million.

People can do funny things for $30 million, even brothers.

We shall be quite vigilant.

I find it hard to believe that any one of her uncles

would try to become her father just to get the money.

That gangster uncle, the one nobody ever talks about,

he'd boil her in oil for a roll of nickels.

Uncle Bugsy is quite dead.

Missing.

They didn't find the body.

And if my early law-school training hasn't failed me,

that makes him missing.

Bodies don't float when encased in cement!

That was only police speculation.

The police were after him, which was bad enough.

But the mob was also after him for his remarkable singing ability.

And that's almost as dead as you can get right there.

In addition to which, they found his bullet-riddled

and bloodstained car by the river.

Now you can call that missing if you want. I call it deceased.

Period!

- Yes? - Willard and Donna are here.

Send them in.

What under the sun are you doing?

The girl lost her father. Don't we show a little respect?

It's been months.

She's been at boarding school with her friends

and is quite used to the idea by now. Take that thing off.

Yeah, you might be right.

He bumped in...

Wait, I'll...

You could save it for later.

Maybe we could get it weaved.

They're hard to smoke when they're wet, so...

If you let it out... If you wanna save that part...

Here, I'll take it all.

Are you mad? Yeah. He's mad.

I'm awfully sorry, Mr Lyman.

Where you two been? You're late.

- Eating. Shopping. - Shopping. Eating.

- Who won? - We did.

Willard jumped the fence and got the ball and...

- How did you know? - Never mind how I know.

I guess you'll be glad to be out of school for the summer, right?

Yeah, I'm very glad about it because...

I was talking to Donna!

Yes, I am very happy to be out of school for the summer,

and I am looking forward to meeting my new father.

Very good, sweetheart.

I'm glad you're glad to be looking forward

to meeting your new father.

Well, Donna, I've taken care of all the details, and I see no reason

why you and Willard can't get started right away.

I think all of us know exactly how you feel,

and your happiness in this matter is our number-one concern.

Willard.

I will remind you once again.

Donna is to spend two weeks with each of her uncles, alone.

I don't want you influencing her decision.

Oh, I understand. All right.

Now, I've prepared a brief history on each of your uncles.

Willard can read them to you as you go along.

You can read, Willard, can't you?

Very funny.

Well, I merely thought since you hadn't mastered

the difficult task of dressing yourself,

reading might even become a bigger problem.

Well, I was in a hurry.

If I may continue.

Now, remember, Donna,

you will have to decide on one of these men.

It was your father's wish that you have some choice in the matter.

I know that you'll make the right one.

Willard?

- Yes, honey. - I meant to ask you,

why did we have to stop at a hotel tonight?

Well, we couldn't drive all night, honey. We have to get some sleep.

Oh, are you going to play some music?

Oh, yeah, I'm going to play some music.

- Good, I like music. - Good, you'll like bed, too,

because you have a very big day ahead of you tomorrow.

Oh, Willard.

Teeth.

Ears.

Neck.

Hands.

Lips.

- Good night. - Good night.

Scoot, scoot.

Willard, you're a hero.

I'm what?

It says here, right in the paper, in this paper right here.

Let me see.

It says all about how you fought a bunch of robbers

in Halloween masks who were trying to rob a bank truck.

Yeah, I see. Some hero. I didn't even know it.

And it's a good thing.

If I did, I would have been scared.

Hey, there's something about you here, honey.

- Really? Something about me? - Yeah, listen.

''Industrialist's daughter to pick new father.

''Donna Peyton, daughter and sole heir

''of the late Lloyd C. Peyton, millionaire industrialist,

''is about to visit the first of her five uncles

''for the purpose of picking a new father from among them.''

''The five uncles, who are located in all parts of the country,

''will have a chance to get to know the little girl.

''She'll spend two weeks apiece with them.

''She'll be accompanied on her journey by the family chauffeur and bodyguard.''

That creep!

Well, young lady, I suppose you'll want to know all about me

and what I do and think and all of that blarney, huh?

Oh, no, sir. I already know all about you.

- You do, huh? - Captain, boilers are okay.

The boilers are okay!

At eight bells!

Hey there, fasten that mainsail and batten down the...

- How do you know about me? - Willard told me all about you.

Hoolard?

No, Willard. The man who brought me here.

You see, he has this folder with things in it about all my uncles.

And he's smart, too.

You... You like him a lot, huh?

Like Willard? I love him.

I wish he was one of my uncles. I'd pick him for my father.

I see.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Uncle James. I like you, too.

Maybe you'll be my father. Who knows?

Yeah. Who knows?

Maybe you wouldn't even want to be my father.

Oh, matey. Sure! I'd love to be your father.

But this is no place for a...

A little girl.

Gets awful rough and dangerous out here sometimes.

Dangerous?

Yeah, but not like the old days, like in the days of war.

- Were you in the war? - Yeah, I was in the war.

Oh, them were the good old days.

Could you tell me about some of the things that happened to you?

Well, there was this one incident during the early days of the war

on a North Atlantic run.

Our gallant ship took a torpedo just below the water line

in a hold full of high explosives.

But due to a faulty fuse, it failed to explode.

Being the only qualified man to handle such a task,

I shoved my fellow sailors aside and informed my beloved chief

that I, and I alone, would volunteer.

He smiled warmly.

I pointed out that this was one of the new Mark Nines

with an inverted coaxer, and that removing it was a job

for an experienced man with nerves of steel.

With a knowing grin,

the chief handed me my trusty toolbox.

However, my buddies couldn't let me do it.

They insisted on staying on with me. However, I stood firm.

And so reluctantly and silently, they walked out of that hold

to the comparative safety of another part of the ship.

I bent to the task of removing that delicate fuse.

The tools became literal extensions of my surgeon-like hands.

"Dexterity" became a watchword. The ticking continued.

How long did I have? A minute?

Suddenly, something gave.

A small door.

And then a discovery.

A small one,

but important.

It was a Russian torpedo.

Now, at last, I was on somewhat more familiar ground.

I suddenly felt the ticking mechanism,

and while holding the igniting lanyard screw,

removed it from its destructive housing.

The ticking became louder, but I was confident

that victory was not far off.

If I could get that fuse safely out of the hold,

where my buddies could throw it overboard,

the torpedo would be harmless.

Of course, there was a small charge of explosives in the fuse itself,

but no real damage could be done by that

once it was separated from the torpedo.

Carefully, I carried it up to the hatch,

and after looking briefly for the other men,

I put it in a safe and obvious place, where they would be sure to find it.

I debated for a moment as to whether I shouldn't warn them

that they may not have too much time to get rid of it,

but then decided that would be unnecessary.

Besides, as I said, it contained only a small charge.

I couldn't help thinking of the happiness and relief

that must be running through the ship at this very moment.

They had surely found the fuse by now

and would be running to congratulate me.

I didn't have long to wait.

There they were.

And I shall never forget the looks of respect

and admiration on their faces.

That's about all there is to it, child.

There was some leakage,

but I managed to clean it up with a sponge and some rags.

Every time I...

I think of it,

I live through it all over again.

It's just the most bravest thing I've ever heard.

Well, thank you, child.

Wow, everything's so big.

And you know something, Uncle Jim?

There's a man looking at me.

Let me see, dear. Oh, hold me.

There's no one there now.

Well, he was there just a second ago.

Never mind, Carl, I can get it.

How are you, Carl?

Where's your little girlfriend, Willard?

Oh, she's spending some time with one of her uncles.

- I kind of miss her, too. - I'll bet you do.

Oh, Willard, do me a little favour, will you?

Yeah, sure thing. What is it?

- What is it, Carl? - Oh.

Well, there haven't been three cars in here all morning.

Watch the place while I run down to the bank, will you?

Sure, I'd be glad to.

I doubt if you'll have any customers, the way things have been,

but just in case, here's the key to the cashbox.

- I'll be back in about 10 minutes. - Yeah, all right, fine.

Take your time, Carl. I'll take care of everything.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, young man, would you mind putting some water in the storage tank

right there on the side, please?

The water for that is right over in this area.

If you'll just bring it... Cut it, cut it. Bring it around.

You're going in that area. That's it. That's the area. That's... Straight.

Bring it in. Go to your right. Go to... Go to your right.

That's it. Cut it in. Cut it in. That's good.

Cut it! Perfect. Perfect. Right there. That's perfect.

- That was pretty close, the way you... - Hey, kid, where's Carl?

Oh... He had to go to the bank for a few minutes,

but he'll be right back.

His tank has gotta be empty. I missed one day last week.

Yeah. It should be empty, then.

You drove right up

and came close.

Young man, would you be good enough to get us

about six bottles of Bubble Up, please?

- Yeah, I'd be very happy to. - Thank you.

You're welcome. Watch my cans.

Yes, sir!

Young man, I think it's about time I changed my oil.

I think you could stand a complete physical.

No, I mean my car.

Oh, yeah. Well, I was fooling.

Yes, fine. Well, I'll change the oil.

I'll take it in on a rack and change it for you.

Oh, fine. And you be very, very careful of this car, young man.

I've never put a scratch on it.

And there better not be one when I get back, either.

Oh, no, I'll take very good care of everything.

- Thank you. - You're welcome, I'm sure.

I'll take... Don't worry about...

Anything.

I'll take care of it.

I'll be right there with your Bubble Up!

All right, I'm coming! Hold your horses!

Oh. Could I... Well, I'd like to explain.

What... You see, it's really... It's not as bad as it might...

You imagine.

You see, you can shine it, and this really makes it sparkle.

Well, you might need seat covers, but...

You liked Uncle James, didn't you?

I certainly did. He would make a fine father.

Hey, it's a little early for decisions. We've got a few to go, yet.

We won't go anywhere unless...

Oh, I'm getting used to wearing them this way. It's good, let it...

Well, go ahead, read it, honey.

''Everett Peyton, age 49.

''Ran away from home when he was 16 years old.

''He's been with Caffey and Brown Circus 33 years.

''Occupation: Clown.

''No wife. No kids.''

I met your Uncle Everett, honey.

One night when I had to drive your daddy to have dinner with him.

What did you think of him?

Oh... Well, I can't say.

Remember, I'm not supposed to influence you.

It's okay, Willard.

Gee, to have a clown for my father. What fun.

I'll have my very own circus.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is it. Now don't forget everything I told you.

You brush your teeth every morning, brush your hair every day,

- and you gotta... - Oh, Willard.

You sound like an old mother hen. I know how to take care of myself.

Yes, I know, sweetheart. Okay.

Now remember, I'll pick you up in Oakland in two weeks.

You be a good girl and have a good time

and look him over very carefully.

Remember, he could be your future father.

- Goodbye, sweetheart. - Goodbye, Willard.

What about my kiss?

- Fresh. - You silly.

Well, peasants, this is it.

No more makeup.

No more ghastly one-nighters.

Best of all, no more squealing brats.

This time tomorrow night, I shall be on my way to Switzerland.

Switzerland? I don't understand. I'm curious.

Why Switzerland, Everett?

Boy,

I'll tell you why.

Because while you creeps were busy squandering your money,

I was putting mine in Swiss banks,

looking for the day when I might choose to retire.

That day has come.

And I don't have to listen to those squealing brats the rest of my life.

Those brats, as far as I'm concerned, are the reason for existing.

Hooray for you, sucker.

And as far as I'm concerned,

those brats were nothing but a means to an end.

And I'm there now, or at least I will be in a few days.

Oh, you'll be back. You'll miss your country, if nothing else.

No chance, sweetheart. I've taken care of that.

I've renounced my United States citizenship.

For a couple of reasons, one being no more taxes.

Boy, we're certainly going to miss you, pal.

Oh, Willard, wait for me!

Some clown.

At least I don't have to worry about picking him.

Oh? How come?

He's leaving the country for good. And that's good.

Well, who's next?

Oh, I'm not sure. I think it's your Uncle Julius.

Your great photographer uncle.

Photographer? What does he photograph?

They are very beautiful, aren't they, Willard?

Aren't they, Willard?

They always do.

They do?

Who do's?

I said, they're very beautiful, don't you think?

Oh, yes, they are.

Yeah.

You know...

- Willard? - Huh?

Are they as beautiful in person,

or is it just the photographer that does it?

Who cares?

Actually, Priscilla, you'll be feeding the child the cereal

when she gets here. Now, Lola, let me see the milk.

Now, just a little higher. No, that's no good.

Let me back the camera up a little.

I'll just... I'm going to back the camera a little.

Just back, that's all.

Oh, Rosemary, you come in.

Come... Come in to Priscilla.

More... More closer. Rosemary, come in, come in.

Come in.

Come in, come in.

My lady.

Now please remember, brush your teeth every morning.

Be a good girl. Have a nice time.

Remember I love you, and I'll see you soon.

- Willard? - Yes?

My kiss, please?

Fresh.

You silly.

Mr Peyton?

Mr Peyton?

I'm awfully sorry about this, but you see,

you must have been a little too close to the door when Willard opened it.

Yes. Well, that's...

Well. Oh, well.

We'll... Don't worry.

Just... Yes.

Sit down there, and we'll get...

You're late anyhow. Sit with the girls, and we'll fix this.

How could I have ever...

Sit right there, child, and we'll be ready.

I've actually... Sit right there.

Now, just relax and look...

Are you going to take my picture?

No, I'm gonna oil your skateboard. Naturally, I'm gonna take your picture.

What did you think you came here for, you silly child?

I didn't break the glass, but...

Let's get...

All of the film...

Some of these holders stick occasionally.

Good. Good emulsion.

That's fine.

Just sit. That's it.

Oh, these have... I took these already anyhow.

Look. No. Not at... Just look... In there.

Right... In here.

That's where we are.

We'll have a face full of fingers from the way...

You get...

I have to check another shot. Just... Wait, I'm...

But it shouldn't...

And then I'll return.

Gotta get those lights set on there.

Got those two sets out.

Get those two big bulbs...

Now, just lean...

We'll be ready.

Just prepare your head, and then we'll get...

Yes, I think that we can make this one now.

Just... Tip your head closer to her.

That's just fine.

Get that f-stop...

Should be about 7,000 foot-candle with two leaks.

That'll work out to diffuse. Just got to...

Oh, that is warm.

Just tip... So that we see... It's a hair ad.

Would you put your arm though... Just... Drop that.

That's it. Now, put your arm through his and pose so that...

Right to the...

Oh, 1,600 feet is nine f-63.

Couldn't...

That's...

Well, it'll work out fine.

May be a little hot, but they'll process it.

Here, young lady. Now...

No, the colours...

Let me just...

Now, they can blend with your neck. Actually...

Now they're ready. Just pose. Just look off that way. This...

This is gonna be...

Boy, f-17 could be...

Just... All right, look straight here. Now just pose.

Right, the colour is still...

I should fix that gobovulum.

Green? No.

Once I get the right colour... That's it.

The white wall. That'll be marvellous.

This light...

We need more light for this...

Now, just look straight in to the camera. Hold it right there.

I'll get this light.

Hold it. Now I'll be right back to shoot that.

All right, now...

- Priscilla, dear. - Yes, Juli, love.

Oh, yes, of course.

We're going to do the ad for the cereal, the loving cereal, naturally, Brackles.

Now, young lady, just...

She's going to feed you, this young lady here.

She's going to put the cereal in your mouth. No, just a moment.

No, that's... No, you see... Let me... If you'd make...

Priscilla, you don't mind. Would you mind standing over there?

Let me show you, child.

You see, in order... Actually, in order for us to...

You see, reality is so very important.

And without the milk, I suspect that's why...

Would you just mind? Thank you, darling.

Now, I'm going to show you that we get action pictures.

We have all these marvellous lighting systems so that we can get

these films in action, you see.

Now, you just open wide for the camera, you see?

No, you don't understand. Let me just feed it to...

No, wait. You see, you're getting... No, just... No, no.

May I just explain? Look, just listen. Pay...

No, you have to pose. Just try...

- Will you just... - Uncle Julius!

Uncle... Uncle?

I'm... I'm Donna Peyton, your niece.

Didn't you get word that I was coming?

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Oh, yes. Well, actually, yes. I'm...

Oh, my... Yes, my brother's child.

Donna, my niece. Yes. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, my darling child.

I thought that it was the model I was expecting.

And, you see, actually...

Why don't we clean you up, Donna, dear?

I'm awfully sorry.

Why don't you just go out here to the ladies' room and get cleaned up

and then come back, and then we can have dinner, dear?

Yes, Uncle Julius.

I'm terribly sorry.

I thought that it was a model, and... Oh.

Oh, this might be too warm. Let me just...

Yes, I...

You may have to dress again.

I'm gonna have to get this door fixed. Someone's bound to fall out of this car.

Continental Airlines Golden Jet, flight 13,

now departing Gate 1 for Chicago.

All aboard, please.

Good morning, Captain Eddie.

Good morning, Captain.

Good morning, handsome.

Yes, there it is, the big bird. That's her.

The trimotor monoplane, carrying gas fuel.

Seating capacity, 12.

We have prop port, prop starboard.

We have dead-centre prop.

We have an area for luggage for carrying, and off she goes.

She wings, and she takes the wind, steady as she blows,

with the wind to her back. Listen to the sound of that.

There she is. There's that bird. Monobird.

Who in the world, or what in the world, is that?

- That's Eddie Peyton. - Who's Eddie Peyton?

He owns that plane and the property it's sitting on.

- Yeah. - He owns that?

- Is he putting me on? - No.

Nobody goes up in that thing, do they?

- Not yet, but he's got a licence. - A pilot's licence?

And he's been out here ready to go every morning now

for almost three years.

Well, child, good heavens. What do you think of her?

Well, I just think she's just beautiful, Uncle Eddie.

- Will it fly? - Will she fly?

Kind of. No... That is, I mean, yes.

She flies, golly. She flies like a big, big bird.

Tell me, sweet niece, how would you like an aviator for a father?

Oh, I'd love it. Could I go with you on some of your trips?

Only if I'm not too loaded. Certainly.

Uncle, when is your next flight?

The next flight, yes. Well, that's a good question.

Next flight, never know.

Captain Eddie, you're wanted at your ticket counter. Really!

Golly, that's me, hon. Yes?

Here we are, ladies. Here we are.

Just one second, as soon as we park the little luggage right there.

Hold it, dear. And can I help you lovely ladies?

You certainly can, young man.

Yes, you see, we've missed our plane to Chicago.

And we simply have got to get there for the grand ball this evening.

Does this plane go to Chicago?

Chicago? Golly, yes. Oh, Chicago. Yes, we certainly do.

Oh, he's cute.

We mustn't be late.

No, we mustn't be late. It's our annual convention.

- We have one every year. - Are you married?

No. Convention? Convention?

Yes, the Scavengers' Motorcycle Club Annual Convention and Hootenanny.

Oh, we wouldn't want to be late for that.

Tell me, what time does this flight leave?

Time? What time? The flight? What time? Oh, yes.

Just about when you ladies get your luggage, we'll all get loaded.

That is, gassed up. I mean, we'll climb aboard

and soar off to the wild blue.

- Oh, that's wonderful. - Good. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Your tickets. Your tickets, ladies. Let's not forget the tickets.

Here we are. Here's your ticket. That's round-trip or one-way.

No, well, either ticket. It doesn't really matter.

Oh, Diana, I'd like you to meet my little niece, Donna.

Donna, Diana. Diana, Donna. My little niece, Diana.

Donna, I'm taking the big bird up. I've got this flight,

and I was wondering if you would be good enough

to guard over this precious little body until I return this evening.

Not at all, Captain. Who in the world...

I mean, who's going to take the trip with you?

- Some elderly lady motorcycle riders. - Oh.

Yes, she's right. By golly, she knew. Good, good head.

Well, I'm off. Off to the blue yonder. And take off ballast tanks...

Off to the blue yonder, gang.

Watch out for that first step. It's a son of a gun.

Isn't that beautiful? Oh, I never saw anything so wonderful.

Oh, this is gonna be terrible for me.

I'm not gonna be able to make it. I just can't make it.

You'll make it. I'll help you. I'll help you.

Will somebody take this?

- Give me your hand. - Oh, my.

- Yes, that's fine. - Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

There you are.

There you are. That's marvellous. Look at these darling curtains.

Would you mind if I sat in this chair?

You know, I didn't think I'd ever make that. Oh, look.

Well, well, here we go, girls. Fasten your seat belts.

No smoking here, please.

- No smoking, if you don't mind. - I'm sorry.

Would you mind fastening my seat belt for me, dear?

No, not at all. There's nothing like safety.

- There you are. How's that? - That's fine.

- Thank you, dear. - Good.

How about a little kiss?

That is against regulations. Terribly sorry.

Let me get this luggage for you, ladies. If you don't mind, I'll take care of this.

I'll just put these in the luggage compartment. And then off we go

into the wild blue yonder. Just fasten all of those...

- Just be careful out there. - Oh, isn't it gonna be wonderful?

- Let me just get these... - Oh, I'm so nervous and excited.

Get these in the luggage compartment, and away we go, ladies.

All right, folks, just sit back and relax. We will be leaving in just a moment.

Captain? Captain, would you mind turning that music down a little?

Yes, please. We can't hear ourselves talk, can we?

- No. - Not a word.

Why, heavens, no. No trouble at all.

Guys.

Say, guys, would you...

Could you hold it down?

Heaven's sakes! Golly.

Oh, Chicago, here we come. Golly.

Now for the checklist. ''Altimeter,'' yes. ''Controls, joystick,'' beauty.

''Fuel selector injector,'' good.

''Mixture ignition,'' ignition on.

''Wallet, driver's licence, rabbit's foot, keys.''

Keys. I must've left it on the dresser this...

Oh, no. Oh, there they are.

Yes, sir, we'll be going in a moment, girls.

Yes, all set for that. Golly.

Hello, Los Angeles Tower. This is Eddie's Airways,

the airline for the birds. Little pun.

Flight 132774 ready for takeoff.

LA Tower, this is Eddie's Airways. Ready for takeoff, I say.

LA Tower.

LA Tower, I'm ready for takeoff!

The devil with them. We'll go without clearance.

Engine one.

Two.

Engine three!

Isn't it wonderful, girls? An hour ago, we missed our plane

and didn't know what we were gonna do,

and now here we are on our way.

- And he's such a cute pilot, too. - And he looks like

- he really knows his business. - That's right.

I'm so excited.

Take over a second, Mike. I gotta see this.

- What is it? - It's a guy chasing an aeroplane.

- Oh. What? - I'm not kidding.

A guy's chasing an aeroplane down there.

Wait a minute. He caught it.

Let's get out of here. He might try to fly it.

LA Tower, this is Eddie. Am I clear for takeoff?

- Yes. Please! - Oh, goody-goody.

Good morning, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome aboard. We are on our way to Chicago.

We will be going by way of Colorado Springs,

New Hampshire and Erie

and a bunch of other places.

While we are in flight,

we will be serving sandwiches and refresher-ments.

Good!

We will also be showing our up-to-date, in-the-clouds movie.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the trip. Golly, here we go!

You lose, Charlie. He made it.

Good evening. Good day.

Well, we've come to the time in our trip where we're happy to present

our up-in-the-clouds movie, friends.

A current, first-run, major-studio re-reissue of an original release.

You will notice the screen coming down.

Eight degrees, 43 knots up to 12,000.

Frontal conditions from Colorado Springs to Erie.

And extreme turbulence here and a bunch of other places.

Just gonna have to avoid this mess.

Well, here we are. Welcome to Chicago, ladies.

We made it.

- Uncle Eddie, is everything all right? - Why, yes, child. Marvie, marvie.

Well, what are you doing here in Chicago?

Chicago? What are you doing back here in Los Angeles?

Oh, well, I...

You see, what it... The map...

Gang, the map...

Well, what's wrong with just a try?

''Skylock Peyton. Detective, criminologist,

''scourge of the underworld and the twin brother of Julius Peyton.

''He is a confirmed bachelor

''who lives with his old and trusted friend, Dr Matson.

''He spent many years in England following his education there.

''Unlike his other brothers, he loved tea,

''so to England he went to have some and has been there ever since.

''He came back to America four years ago,

''lost his passport and decided to stay.''

Twin brother? Julius Peyton's twin brother?

- There couldn't be two of them. - Well, apparently there are, honey.

Well, if nothing else, I guess it'll be fun.

Well, you'll find out for yourself, honey. Come on. Let's go.

Who is it?

Oh, it's Donna Peyton.

Hey, with a voice like that, you must be pretty cute.

Well, thank you, I...

No, I'm not Donna Peyton. She's standing here alongside of me.

Well, send her in.

Oh, yes, all right.

Goodbye, darling. I'll see you in two weeks.

Goodbye.

Oh, I do believe we're going to get it, Matson.

Are you scared?

You are, huh?

There's nothing to be scared of. It's just this mask.

Take it off. There.

Say, who are you, and what is this all about?

I'm your dear Uncle Bugsy Peyton.

I don't remember seeing your name on the list.

Oh, you couldn't, 'cause everybody thinks I was knocked off.

See, nobody knows I'm alive. I'm a ghost.

By Jove, Matson.

I say, do you recall what you did with my magnifying glass?

Magnifying... Oh, yes, yes.

It's in my hip pocket, I think.

- Well, that should make things easy. - Oh? Why?

Well, let me see if I can just get one hand out.

Oh, this is strenuous, you know, Matson.

It is, sir.

- Where is your hip pocket? - Oh, behind me, old boy.

- Behind me. - Yes, I suspect it would be, Matson.

- Oh, hold it, Matson. Don't move, now. - All right.

Right, old boy.

Do you have it?

- Yes. - Oh, good show.

You see, what gave me the idea, Matson, was that beam of light

- coming through there, you see? - Oh?

- Warm. - Yes, it is warm.

Wait till I get a pinpoint on it. You'll really feel it.

By Jove, I must say, we had good times together, old boy.

Oh, they're not over. Not yet. We've got another three feet, yet.

Hold it there, Matson.

So you see, honey? This is a kidnapping.

And if you don't know what kidnapping is, I'll explain it.

I am about to collect on that 30 million beans of yours.

A little phone call to that stupid chauffeur of yours

with some instructions and a reminder of what'll happen to him

if he blabs to the cops, and we'll be swinging.

Don't call Willard stupid, you...

You fink!

I'm no fink.

I'm a rat, but I'm not a fink.

There, now try.

Good.

- We'd best hurry, Matson. - Yes, I'm doing my utmost.

By Jove, that was a brilliant idea of yours.

Yes, I must admit.

- There you are. - Just get...

There we go. I say,

it's simply fantastic how your mind operates under pressure.

Yes, it was good, actually.

- There we go. There we are. - Oh, yes.

- By Jove. - Oh, yes.

Oh, I say, Matson. That was rather close, actually, don't you think?

- I say, actually, is this cab taken? - Yeah, for 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes I've been waiting for this broad.

- A fare's a fare. Hop in. - Oh, good show. Yes. Oh, yes.

Splendid. Splendid, indeed.

Oh, I say... I say, driver, did you by chance...

Did you see a car leave about 20 minutes ago

- with a little girl and two men in it? - Yeah.

Well, do you think you could catch it?

- I can give it a try. - Oh, here's an extra 20 for you if...

Would you see if you could catch it?

You will drive, won't you, Matson?

Oh, of course, Peyton. Yes.

Thank you.

Oh, now...

All right, youse guys.

Here's the plan.

We knock over that dame and grab the loot.

Take that filthy cigar out of your mouth. What are you, crazy or something?

Kids don't smoke that.

Hey, Joe, keep a sharp eye.

Yeah, Joe.

Watch out, or the boogeyman might get you.

- Hey, ain't you scared? - Oh, no.

'Cause I know that Willard will find me.

And when he does, you'll be sorry.

Willard? Who's that, the chauffeur?

- He looks like a creep to me. - Well, he isn't.

He's a sweet, kind man.

Yeah.

- Uncle Bugsy? - Yeah.

- I'm curious. - Yeah? What about?

- Where are we? - It's for me to know

and for you to find out. He ain't gonna find out.

It doesn't make any difference. He'll find me.

I'll bet he's looking right now.

Nobody finds where I hide out.

And when I... When I...

They ain't gonna...

'Cause I really hide.

You'd have to really look to find...

Donna's nana doll.

I better take it to her. She can't sleep without it.

Donna!

- Hello. - Listen to everything I'm gonna tell you

and do like I say, and nothing will happen to the little kid.

Now she's perfectly all right,

and she'll stay that way

if you follow my instructions to the letter.

Follow them verboy-tim. That's right.

Now, you stand by the phone. I'm gonna call you

to tell you how much money to get from those two shyster lawyers.

You understand?

Then I'll call you and I'll tell you where to bring the money.

Oh, one more thing.

If you don't want nothing to happen to this kid,

don't go to the cops and keep your mouth shut,

or we'll fit her for a cement swimsuit.

That's it.

Creep.

Kidnapped?

What am I gonna do?

I can't call the police.

Donna's uncles. Maybe they'll help me.

- Operator. - Hello, Operator.

- Would you... Hello? - Operator.

Yes, Operator, would you please get me 297-392?

Oh, gorgeous. Contest winner, contest winner.

Yes, hello?

Yeah. She's what?

My niece, Donna... Oh, that's terrible.

Well, something's gotta be done right... Yes. Well, thank you. Thank you.

I gotta take a... Oh, I hung up the camera.

Kidnapped?

Who? What? Well...

Well, I'll be there in a wink.

Ahoy!

Man battle stations.

Avast...

Full speed. Where's the horn? Why...

I see.

What? Well, this means war, gang.

I'm on my way. I'll clear the skies. Geronimo!

Why don't they call?

If anything's happened to her, I'll die.

Now, I'm gonna tell you. I told you before.

I sent Joe out for the books, right? That's 'cause you're my niece.

We're sitting here two hours, right? 'Cause I want you to be smart.

If you wanna make a heist, you gotta know everything about

sky and air and numbers and things.

So I'm gonna just read it to you once more.

See if you can remember it.

Five sevens is 35. Ten fours is 40.

Fifteen twos is 30.

Add them, which is adding, is 105.

Right, now, try it.

Five sevens is 35. Ten fours is 40.

Fifteen twos is 30.

Add them, which is adding, is 105.

This is it, Matson.

The Waterfront Pool Room. The Waterfront Pool Room.

The best place in the world to gain illicit information.

- But surely you're not going in there. - No, we're going in there, Matson.

And while in there... Hear this, now. While in there, you see, actually,

I will allow myself to fall prey to one of the pool hustlers, as it were.

And in the interim, I shall gain all the information

regarding Donna's disappearance.

At the same time, I might add, I'll take the bounder in a pool game.

Oh, but, my dear Peyton, you've never played pool in your life.

That may be so, Matson.

But I never played golf either, you recall?

I knocked down more caddies that day

than anyone in my group all put together.

Oh, dear me. I do indeed recall that. It was simply incredible, old chap.

Thank you, Matson. Then off to the pool courts, eh?

- Pool tables, I think, Peyton. - You're being impertinent, Matson.

Oh, sorry, Peyton.

Quite all right. Here we are.

What do you want, Mack?

Oh, yes. Actually, I was just wondering if there was anyone in here

that would be interested in a rousing round of pool.

And were they interested, if they might like to make

a small wager on the outcome.

I have a few quid here.

You see, I've never done this before.

Did I hear somebody say they was interested in a little game of pool?

No, we were just...

- Oh, Matson. Matson, please. - Sorry.

Well, yes, I... I would...

I would deem it a privilege if I might as to...

Well, yes.

I'd like that.

Name your poison, pal.

Oh, well, I should like to consider you my host in this strange place.

You name the stakes.

Well, how about a fever a point, five a blitz, call your own shots

with the eight-ball poison, and no slop?

Is that amazing? Did you hear that, Matson?

It's exactly what I was going to recommend.

Yes. Do you have a... No, I suspect I should have to get one.

I'll get... Oh, I love that ''slop'' part.

- I'm going to... - Peyton. Oh, no.

That's a little light.

This should work nicely.

Guess I actually have this.

- What's the matter, buster? - Oh, nothing.

It's just fine. Perfect.

Excuse me. I'll just...

Do you mind?

I'd just like to...

Just... Excuse me just a moment.

There, that's...

Excellent.

Just...

Oh, I say, could...

Yes, would you let me, please... Thank you.

I need new bifocals.

I'm awfully sorry, but you're gonna have to go back, Uncle Bugs.

I have to go back?

Why? Just 'cause you say so?

Better be a better reason than that.

Well, there's a perfectly good reason.

There's a perfectly good reason to order me around?

It better be a good reason. What's the reason?

You stepped on a line.

Oh. I didn't know the rule.

That means... That means I go back, right?

So I have to... I have to go...

- Start over, right? - Yeah.

Hey, Bugsy, what about the ransom?

And what about the call for that chauffeur?

Hey, shut up, Joe, will you, when I'm playing?

We're playing for money.

What I got now? A sixie?

You upset me, Joe.

Didn't I tell you 100 times, mind your business?

Next time you open your mouth, I'll push you right out the window.

- Don't butt in! - Okay

- I'll make the call. - Okay, Bugsy.

I'm gonna make the call in my own good time.

- Just look out the window, Joe. - Okay.

- And don't aggravate me! - Okay.

Just look out the window. Don't even talk.

- Okay, Bugsy. - Would you do me a favour

and just shut your mouth? 'Cause I'm gonna rip your lip

and stick it behind your ear, knock you right out the window.

I'll tear up your arm, hit you with the wet end.

- I warn you. Just look out the window. - Okay.

Mind your business, will you, Joe? 'Cause I'll crack you in the mouth.

I'll rip off an ear. I'll make you another van Gogh.

Stick your head out the window.

Will you do me a favour? Shut your mouth. Don't answer me.

Don't talk, Joe, okay? Is that clear? Is that clear?

- Well, answer me. - Well, you told...

Just look out the window!

I say, Peyton.

Ask them about the girl.

Patience, Matson. If you don't mind, patience.

- Yes. - Good show.

Hello?

- Uncle Bugs? - Yeah.

Aren't you gonna tell me where we are?

Never mind where we are.

You'll find out when we get the ransom money.

I hear boat whistles every once in a while.

I'll bet we're near the waterfront.

The Waterfront? Of course.

She's trying to tell me they're at the Waterfront.

Don't worry, Donna! I'll be there in two minutes!

Ask him about the kidnapping.

What kid? Oh, yes.

In due time, Matson. In due time.

One foot, you know.

Ten hut!

Double time!

Clear!

Right of way.

Left turn!

Forward, halt!

Turn right!

Right, one turn!

Left! Right! Right side!

All right!

What's my number now?

- Eight. - Eightsie.

It's on the line, so it's no good.

Forgot the...

And the...

Turn left! Hut!

To the rear, march!

Interchange, part.

Oblique left!

March over that...

Hut!

To the rear...

Company, halt!

About-face!

Review!

Good.

Vote for Abner Theft, ladies and gentlemen.

Remember, Abner Theft has never stolen a thing

in all the time he has held office.

All he's asking is a chance.

Vote for Abner Theft, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, pull over! Pull over!

Hold it there!

On behalf of the United States Army, I'm commandeering this truck.

- Are you kidding? - No, I'm not kidding.

You and the guy on the microphone, out of the truck!

Come on, Harry, the Marines have landed.

Out of the truck. Out of the truck!

Get going.

All right, you kidnappers, we know you're in there.

Come on out!

Bugs, quick, come here.

All right, you kidnappers, we know you're in there.

You guys haven't got a chance, so you'd better surrender. Give up!

You guys haven't got a chance, so you better give up?

You better give up!

All you guys better come out, or we're gonna start blasting!

What do you call that?

What's that? The militia? I had no idea they were...

All right, now hear this.

You guys haven't got a chance, so you'd better surrender.

Give up!

Make it easy on yourselves, guys.

We got the place covered.

Then we have a wager, do we?

Okay, you've got my IOU. We'll go for the whole thing.

Splendid.

Uncle Skylock, I've escaped.

Not now. I'm busy here.

But I am the one who was kidnapped, remember?

Not when I'm playing for money, little girl.

''Little girl''?

I'm Donna Peyton, Uncle Skylock.

Not now, little girl. He's winning. Sit there.

Well, then I'll just call the police.

All right, you guys.

I'm gonna start counting.

If you're not out in 10 seconds with your hands up,

we're gonna come in after you!

One!

Two!

Three!

Four!

Five!

Seven!

Nine, ten. You've had it!

We're coming in!

Gentlemen.

I should like to remind you

that the decision Miss Peyton makes today is final.

The terms of your late brother's will are quite specific.

Her new father is one of you.

And as per the instructions that you received by letter from this office,

your appearance here today means that you will abide by her decision.

- Donna, may we have that decision? - Yes, you may.

But first, I would like to say a couple of things, if I may.

Indeed, you may. Yes, of course.

You have all been so wonderful that it has made it very hard for me

to pick one of you over all the others.

Uncle Skylock.

Even though we didn't get to spend too much time together,

you were magnificent.

Your efforts to rescue me

proved to me that you would be the kind of father

who would watch out for me.

Uncle Julius.

You are very smart and very nice that I know life with you would be

interesting.

Who knows? I might become a model myself.

Only, I wouldn't model bathing suits.

And my dear Uncle James.

For a girl to live on a great ocean liner with the Captain

is too good to be true.

And my other great Uncle Captain, Eddie.

Or is it ''Captain Uncles''?

However you say it, life would really be exciting with you.

And I guess that chair is for Uncle Everett, the great clown.

I can't honestly say I expected him to be here.

And Uncle Bugsy.

You and I know, of course, that you're not near as bad

as you and everyone else think you are.

I think we could find a way to make a new man out of you.

But I must choose only one. So to all the rest of you,

let me say that you're beautiful and my favourite uncles.

Please come and see me often.

But my choice is for the one I love the most,

and that is

Willard.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen, please. Just... Just one moment.

Donna, I think all of us know exactly how you feel,

and your happiness in this matter is our number one concern.

However, this just cannot be.

The will states specifically that your choice must be made

from among your father's brothers.

Now Willard, although a fine boy and an old friend of the family,

just doesn't qualify.

But you don't understand.

Willard!

Oh, how can I make all of you understand?

I love you. I love all of you.

But Willard has always been like a father to me,

even when my real father was still alive.

I spent most of my time with Willard.

It's not right that he should be my chauffeur or my bodyguard

or something like that.

He should be my father.

And if he can't be my father, I won't have a father.

I'll go to a home or run away.

That's it! I'll run away.

What's your hurry, sweetheart?

Oh, you must be Donna.

Aren't you going to consider your dear Uncle Everett?

I'd make a good father. Come on, I'm in a hurry.

I've got to get back and do another show.

- Well... - Come on, come on.

Those little brats are waiting.

Okay, sure.

Here's my choice. I pick Uncle Everett.

Him. He's my new father.

Smart move, baby.

Counsellor, I'll call you in a couple of days

and tell you where to send the money and the papers.

After you, sweetheart.

You did good, Willard.

Willard, huh? Okay, how'd you know?

When I squeezed your hand in there? Is that when you knew?

I didn't need that, silly. Look.

I was in a hurry this morning.

That's okay, Daddy.

Next week, I'll even teach you how to dress yourself.

''That's okay, Daddy.

''Next week, I'll even teach you how to dress yourself.''

Hey, pal, it looks like I didn't finish the job.

Oh, on the contrary. You did a perfect job.

Not quite.

If you please.

That's cute.

Yeah? What's it say?

Read it.

I can't see... Oh.