Original subtitles

Okay, we're really late, Mr. Tucker.

Good, come on, go.

Good. Come on, come on.

We got a good one tonight.

Hey!

No, you get away from there!

What do you people think you're doing?

Come on, get out of here.

Come on, move!

Let's go!

Last time you said 15 minutes, it was over an hour.

Sweetheart, I'm just cleaning up my desk.

I'll be in a good place before you can make some martinis and jump into your

black elastic teddy.

What was that last part? I didn't hear what he said about teddy.

I believe we're paying Artie 50 bucks a day for this stuff.

That's cheap for CIA quality surveillance gear.

If the CIA used garbage like this, we'd all be speaking Russian.

We ought to use some of the profits to make a down payment on Artie's whole

$10 ,000 includes the camper, mobile phone, the bugs, the recorder, all the

other goodies.

That is one hell of a deal.

Hell of a deal.

Oh, wonderful.

Bob and Ken Insurance.

I don't know. You get the ambulance, I'll get the bubs.

Yes, operator. I need police and an ambulance at the 4600 block of

There's been a shooting.

No, ma 'am. I didn't see it, but I heard the shot.

What do you mean can I hold?

Rick, police. Easy, easy.

All right, take it easy. You got the wrong guy. I just got here myself.

Yeah, sure.

Don't move. Look, I'm a PI.

There's a weapon in my other hand. It hasn't been fired. It's coming out slow.

Back up. Okay.

Move. Okay, okay, okay.

Here.

You're wasting your time, kid. He's dead.

Hey, Rick.

He's with me. He's with me.

Simon and Simon, investigations.

Here, look.

A .J. Simon.

See? We were doing a visual surveillance on that man.

In fact, if you'll accompany me to the window, I will show you where we were

doing the visual surveillance from.

All right?

Now, look.

We were right out here.

See, we were over there on that level. Which level?

There.

Did you see the perpetrator?

Uh, no, not exactly. But see the way these curtains are hanging?

Um, because the way the curtains were hanging, we couldn't see. What are you

doing? I'm using the telephone. I have to call my mother. Your mother?

Put the phone down.

If you couldn't see anything, how'd you even know the guy was shot?

Well, it's like what I was saying about the curtains.

Because the way the curtains were, we couldn't see the shooter, but we could

Mr. Kent.

Who? Mr. Kent.

The deceased.

The victim. The body.

Well, well, look who we've got here.

His name's Kent, sir.

He's dead.

I am talking about these two bunnies, the Simonettes.

Oh, Sergeant Lester, it's good to see you.

This must be top priority to drag you away from the departmental card game.

Homicide is always a top priority, Ed.

And I just hope that you two are so deep in this one that you're up to your

armpits. Take them downtown before they contaminate my crime scene.

Would you calm down? It'll be a piece of cake. We come in here dressed as

janitors. Tonight, we recover our tomato and we're home free.

Rick, the... It's a wall -to -wall cop. Okay, option number two. We leave it.

Serious?

Rick, it's only a question of time before Lester puts the thing together

comes up with your tomato.

Come on, you two.

Let's go.

Hey, wait. You're supposed to go to the interview room.

Wait. Don't go in there.

Hey.

Excuse me?

I've heard of undercover before, but this was ridiculous.

Where's town?

Lieutenant Brown is no longer assigned to this division.

Say what?

He was transferred quite suddenly as of 0200 last night.

Transferred where?

You'll have to ask the State Department.

Okay, where's Allenton? This is a joke, right? The town's pulling their chain.

I don't think so.

How do we contact him?

You don't.

Please forgive the eating.

I missed breakfast and lunch.

Look, look, Miss... Lieutenant.

Lieutenant Abby Marsh. I'm the new commanding officer, and you presumably

Richard and A .J. Simon.

Rick, I'm Rick.

Excuse me, Miss Lieutenant Marsh.

We have kind of what you might call an emergency here, and is there any way

you could help us get in touch with town?

No.

And I think it's only fair to tell you.

that I've been warned about you two.

Because of your cozy little relationship with Lieutenant Brown, you took certain

liberties around here.

That's over.

Henceforth, before you even enter this office, you get permission, and then you

knock.

Lieutenant Marsh.

Yes. Why are you being so damned unfriendly?

I didn't think I was.

Obviously, you have been poisoned by one over -the -hill cop who should have

retired ten years ago when police work began to interfere with his card

Sergeant Lester.

He called in the Ken shooting, didn't he?

And while he was at it, he filled your head with enough garbage to sink a ten

-ton river barge. He said you witnessed the murder and you were already on your

way in.

I told him I wished he'd held you at the crime scene, which I usually find to be

the best place for an in -depth interrogation.

So, if you gentlemen would give me one minute, I'll arrange transportation.

What have you got, Sergeant Lester?

The guy was a pervert.

I found his little black book. He had the names of 80 different bimbos.

Just because someone writes your name in a book, it doesn't necessarily make you

a bimbo.

Or him a pervert.

This is it. You go over to Wendell and faint or something out at the pond.

Faint? Faint.

Now, gentlemen, if you would please repeat what she told me on the way over

here. Uh, yeah. He was here next to his desk, and then he shuddered violently

and went to the floor.

The only thing we could assume under the circumstances was that he'd been shot.

Well, according to this office... Would you come over here?

Sure. Both of you. Sure.

According to this officer, you were right about there.

And with the drapes in this position, you couldn't possibly have seen the

No, no, he's mistaken. Because actually, you see, we were more like them up

there. No, no, no, we were over here on this side. Really?

Yeah.

Well,

I'll bet you my entire next month's pay that you didn't see the shooting.

That quite to the contrary, you heard it.

Uh, we can explain that. Rick, tell her. I'll bet you can.

Sergeant Lester.

Take them downtown and book them on felony wiretap.

So, you were hired by Trans Republic Insurance Company to keep an eye on

Kent.

Yeah, a discreet eye, you know.

Watch, follow, sneak, peek, all very legal.

Then they also told you that we've had a lot of high -ticket auto thefts.

Ferraris, Jags, Rolls.

and Kent handled a suspiciously high portion of those claims.

Well, gosh, with a big crime wave like that, you don't want to be wasting your

time with a little trumped -up wiretap beef.

You're absolutely right.

I am?

So, tell me where the tape is, and we won't waste any time at all.

Tape?

Tape. T -A -P -E. Audio variety.

All right, listen, you two.

Forget the car thefts. A man's been killed.

If you force my hand, I'll teach you a new meaning to the words hard time.

That's nice, Lieutenant.

You put us in a hole and then you expect us to give you the shovel so you can

pour the dirt on?

What he means is if, if we had such a hypothetical tape and what we would be

doing is confessing...

It's a felony invasion of privacy.

Now, you are obviously a very sharp officer, so I think I may conclude that

you're offering us a deal.

I don't deal.

That's up to the DA.

Well, then, take your best shot. I think we'll let our attorney handle this.

It's a good idea.

While he's researching wiretap precedents, have him bone up an

justice.

Will you two guys relax?

The dame is bluffing.

I'd stake my professional reputation on it.

Oh, thank praise.

Ah, lighten up, will you? At least he bailed us out.

Come on, you guys are pros.

So I know that you wiped the bug clean of Prince before you stashed it.

No Prince, no case.

Rick?

Oh, please.

Tell me you wiped it.

I... Did.

Yeah, yeah, I did. Cleaned the hounds, too. Yeah.

Then it's a skating party.

I don't know.

You remember how Butch and Sundance kept running and that posse kept chasing

them?

I think this Lieutenant Marsh may be descended from one of those guys.

So what if she is?

You have at your disposal one of the sharpest legal minds in San Diego.

A man who was voted most likely to object by his law school classmates.

Mwah!

Marvin, Ken Insurance.

Are you alone?

Yeah. Something wrong.

We have to talk. I'll be right up.

This makes me sick.

She's right, you know. She really is right. Oh, come on. Come on, A .J.

We are withholding evidence of a murder. And she could have had it. She blew it

coming on like Elliot Ness.

You know, as well as I do, if this were town, we'd have turned over the tapes

and we'd walk away quietly.

Nice try, but just because town skated around the rules for us doesn't mean she

has to. What is the point of sending us to San Quentin? We are not the problem

here. Look, it doesn't make any difference how you paint it. Two wrongs

make a right. What do you want to do? You want to turn over the tapes, put

head in the noose?

Well, you got any better suggestions? I'm open. We keep doing what we're

We listen to this thing until doomsday, if necessary.

We ID the killer. We nail him. We turn him over to Marshall, tie it up nice and

neat in a little ribbon, and then we pray for mercy.

Marvin, get insurance.

It's me.

Oh, you know what that is. That's got to be the red car they're talking about.

Yeah, we got it, but it came with a lot bigger problems.

Jeez,

I'm going to ask Arnie for our money back on that.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let's listen to that again.

That's not just static.

That's her.

That's her. Get out of here.

Out? Yes. Where?

I don't know. I don't care. Upstairs.

Oh.

Just a minute, please. Open up right now.

Yeah, I'm on the phone.

Police, with a warrant, Mr. Simon.

I'll call you right back, Mom.

Nixon, check the bedroom.

Say, come on in and make yourself at home. Clearly you've already done that.

Where's your brother?

It's a big city, Lieutenant.

Was there anything solid on the tape?

Uh, what tape?

Still warm?

Uh, I was using that to keep the pizza warm. I know your brother was here. I

heard voices.

And don't tell me it was the TV.

Not upstairs, sir. I mean... Gotta be here.

Carson, did anybody cross the bridge?

Not this way, Lieutenant.

You know, I don't know how you did it, but I know he was here, and I know he's

got that tape.

You listen to me, Lieutenant.

I resent these specious accusations.

Unless you have some further equally ridiculous charges to bring, I wish you

vacate my premises at your earliest convenience and take this bozo with you.

What's funny? Nothing, nothing.

What is funny?

Promise you won't get mad?

I won't.

I had 50 with Nixon, you wouldn't get the tape.

Congratulations.

I would have made the same bet.

They're good, those Simons.

They're also very nice people.

You know, it might help things a little if you grease their skids.

Not yet.

Not while I'm still living under a microscope.

One or two bad decisions, and I can say bye -bye to this command.

We have got to come up with something, Lieutenant.

I haven't even come up with a tailpipe yet.

I'll tell you what.

Tomorrow, I want you to team up with Homicide.

The Marvin Kent murder definitely ties into these facts.

I'm also beginning to think this Carlisle case in missing persons is

wind up there, too.

Carlisle. Oh, oh, oh, the ad exec with the classic roles. Yeah, yeah.

All right, I'll be here at 0800.

Please, will you go home? You look like a dragon.

Hey, Jake.

Thanks. Oh, go home.

Now, when the SNR is raised and we roll off the white noise above 40K,

we'll be ready to transfer the digital.

Artie, it's 4 a .m. Don't explain. Just do it.

Hey, you don't rush an artist.

Got so much clean talk on here, why do you care about background news?

Because if we can figure out what it is, we might know who's calling our guy.

That's why.

Oh, that's wonderful, Artie. Sounds like it's been filtered through tar.

Ah, yes, but listen to this.

Whoa.

Just backwards.

Dig.

Just talk to her company.

Geronimo. Ding bull.

Hey, Jake.

Oh, wow.

At least you got you guys dressing better.

Very funny. Look, Jake, pay attention. We need to ask you a big favor. Are you

crazy? You guys are persona non grata around here. Jake, it was an impound.

Yesterday, 1730, Hicks and Balboa. We need to ID the tow operator.

If Lieutenant Brown's replacement found me collaborating with the enemy, I would

be lucky to land a solo radio car in Chula Vista.

No, I just want you to picture me trying to put this body back into a street

uniform.

Disgusting image.

Top page.

Oh, swell.

What?

Oh, there was a Phil Collins concert last night.

Mob scene.

50 impounds, at least a dozen different tow companies.

Thanks, Jake.

Mm -hmm.

On a sweat thing.

Hey, whose funeral are you going to?

Lieutenant Marsh, I show you People's Exhibit 1, a surveillance microphone.

Do you recognize it?

I certainly do. It was recovered from the office of Marvin Kent in the search

that followed his murder.

Since you were in charge of the investigation, I presume you

Yes, but it had been deliberately wiped.

We were unable to lift any prints until we tried some unconventional means.

Now, Lieutenant, I want you to be very clear about this.

Could you please elaborate for the court?

Yes, we phoned LAPD and we borrowed a new laser photo device that they'd been

using for just a few months.

Using it, we were able to photograph and identify a thumbprint.

To whom did that print belong?

It was the right thumbprint of A .J. Simon.

No more questions, Your Honor.

Any questions, Mr. Corliss?

I'll send them for superior court, Your Honor.

Thank you, Lieutenant. You're excused.

You're very thorough.

Defendants will please rise.

It appearing to me that the within name felony has been committed, and there is

sufficient cause to believe the defendant's guilty thereof, I order they

bound over to trial in the Superior Court.

And further, gentlemen, the court on its own motion is increasing your bail to

$50 ,000 each.

Garage isn't four hours. My stomach says it's time to eat.

Your stomach never shuts up. Hey, how much time is eating two burritos going

cost us? It's not the eating that worries me. It's what comes after.

Can I help you, buddy?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking for my Beetle.

Yellow, 71, down in the right front.

At this blonde, we decided to have a drink together, you know.

Came out, my car's gone.

Sign said no parking, 6 p .m. to 9 a .m.

Sounds like you had more than just a drink, huh?

Well, you know.

The charges and the points.

You crazy.

Fouts will blow him out of the stadium.

What do you got in that skull of yours?

Flies? Honest to Pete, I don't know why I put up with fuzzballs like you.

Excuse me, may I use your phone, please?

Huh?

Shut up, you sorry bit of flea food, or I'll make a rug out of you.

Cross the street.

What?

Cross the street.

Payphone across.

the street. You wanted a bow, didn't you?

Yes. What do you want, a dime, too?

No.

Thank you.

Got a 68, but that wouldn't be yours.

Here's one that's blue.

Hey, look, I'll make you a nice deal on a four -wheel that's been sitting here

for a month, okay?

Who's that guy? You know him?

Oh, yeah, the blonde I told you about. That's him.

I wasn't sure you'd tell them.

You can't resist a challenge.

AJ.

Go ahead.

Okay.

I'm sorry about the way things turned out.

You got what you wanted, didn't you?

No. No, that's just it. I have no interest in seeing you in jail. I am

trying to get you killer.

So are we.

We would have liked to be working with you. Unfortunately, you've made that

impossible. Look, ever since I was a green -eared rookie, this is the job

wanted.

Seven years.

So, I came to work Monday morning, all chipper for my first day on the job.

Somebody had set up one of those bright light makeup mirrors at my desk.

Left me a whole array of face cream, nail polish, the works.

It's just somebody's idea of locker room humor.

Well, the joke didn't bother me.

I mean, every profession has its initiation rituals.

It was probably one guy's idea of fun.

But because of who I am, every head in that department was watching to see how

I'd handle it, including my superior.

What exactly are you trying to tell me, Lieutenant?

Just this.

A .J., every move I make is being scrutinized.

And if that's not bad enough, my first big case is a murder tied to the

auto theft ring in San Diego history.

I mean, there's never an alarm reported.

There's never any witnesses.

No parts are showing up in garages or chop shops, and we've rated more than

You,

A .J. Simon, are my best lead.

So, I guess I'm asking for your

help.

Lieutenant, my heart says yes.

Hey, Poochie, I'm stealing this truck. You're going to bite me, attack Trina in

my foot.

I've got an idea.

You go pull drunks out of the ditches, and I'll spend my life chowing down and

sleeping. How does that sound, huh?

All you do is chow down.

Sure this is going to work?

Have I ever let you down before?

How

long

is it supposed to take?

500 mils of red.

Ox would be jello in five minutes.

Okay, go ahead.

What?

Go ahead.

What? Who?

Me? Yes, you.

Why me? Because we don't have time to argue about this. You're not afraid of

Laffey down there, are you?

Yeah. Go.

Go.

Easy. Easy.

Easy we go.

Keep him busy. Keep him busy. Yeah. He's keeping me rather busy right now.

Okay. Easy.

Easy. No biting.

Now,

you look like the successful type to me.

Eyelids are getting very heavy.

You have no eyelids.

Okay, now, down, down.

That's up, down, down.

I'm going to begin counting backward from then, okay?

It's all right, it's all right.

Ten, nine, eight, seven.

Eureka.

Please, Margaret, call me again if you need anything or just for someone to

to. Oh, Lieutenant, thank you.

You've been so kind.

Miss Simon.

What are you doing here?

Consorting with the enemy, I think.

Cecilia Simon.

I'm Abby Marsh.

Why don't you come in?

Please.

I appreciate your seeing me.

Considering the charges filed against my sons, I didn't think I could say no.

I don't feel good about being here.

I understand.

But I've heard how close you are with your sons and...

Mrs. Simon, I met with A .J. this afternoon.

I tried to reconcile our differences.

By asking them to trust you with evidence they could send them to prison.

If they have that evidence, I'm going to get it.

Because that's my job.

But if I'm forced to confiscate it or otherwise bleed it out of them,

then there's no way I'm going to be able to help them.

What you're saying is if I were to convince them to play ball, I might have

reason to believe that you let the D .A. know they cooperated in your

investigation. You might, yes.

I just can't.

Promise anything.

Neither can I.

Well, well, well, look what we got here.

Breaking and entering. It has such a nice ring to it.

Abigail, I gotta tell you, you came in here like a world -class cat burglar. I

didn't know they taught lockpicking in lieutenant school.

They didn't have to.

Where'd you get that?

From the woman who lived here.

The wife?

Then why all the cloak and dagger?

Nosy neighbors.

Suspicious husband.

She also gave me a signed consent to search.

Saved a lot of time getting a warrant. Where's yours?

Right here.

The man's business card with his home telephone number on the back we found in

drawer in an impound garage.

Oh, come on, give us a break. If we had found any evidence, we were going to

call you. Then I take it you haven't.

That's what I thought.

So, it is very...

Very lucky for you that I have.

No, thanks. We never drink on the job.

That's funny.

It's called a spirit chest.

It came from the red rose of a man named Stephen Carlyle.

Up until now, he was considered a missing person, but I am beginning to

is just as dead as that insurance broker you two were bugging.

Allegedly bugging.

Guys, what is it going to take to make you wake up?

You're holding evidence that could convict a double murderer.

All right.

We'll give you the tape on one condition.

I told you, I am not empowered to deal.

No deals, Lieutenant. A simple professional courtesy.

From now on, it's the three of us together or it's nothing.

My first gourmet steakhouse.

Goat cheese croissant.

What is this, Jamaican roast coffee?

All it takes is a little imagination.

I can just imagine you've been over a hot stove for hours.

Are you kidding? The only reason I cook is to keep from starving.

Yeah, you're going to find yourself an eligible man.

Oh, so far it hasn't been too much of a problem.

And it never really involved cooking.

Whoops. Heads up.

What's going on?

First team is moving out.

Check in at least every five minutes.

Thank you very much, Rebecca. It was a pleasure. I hope we can do it again

sometime.

Listen, pea brain, an 82 Chevy looks about as much like an 82 Dodge as Dolly

Parton looks like Marlon Brando.

No customers in here, lady. You have to talk to somebody outside. I have to talk

to you.

Matter of fact, ma 'am, you are going to make a phone call for me.

Come on.

Straight back.

About four feet.

you my goat cheese croissant, but that's where they're hiding the red rolls,

Royce.

You can't bet your goat cheese croissant. I ate it.

The second son.

The spoiled one.

Mom's golden boy.

That's right.

Uh, this is golden boy to sugar plum.

Over. PJ, I beg your pardon.

Don't make me sick. What's your location?

Uh, we're at warehouse number four at the Normandy docks.

We think they're moving the red as soon as they make a move. We'll check back

in.

um

You ready, baby?

Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it.

You bet.

No wonder they never found any of the stolen cars. They're shipping them all

overseas.

It's brilliant.

In a sick kind of way.

You make us the right kind of deal, we'll drive this one right off the

floor.

Well, A .J., I think we found Mr.

Carlisle's car.

I think we also found Mr. Carlisle.

You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?

I thought sure you guys would back off after you got busted by Her Majesty, the

new lieutenant.

Couldn't do that, Jake. You ought to know better.

Ripley, get that piece and drop him in the soup.

I mean, why did you have to stick your damn P .I. noses... Oh, hey.

Oh, stop looking at me like that, A .J. For over half my life, I've been

protecting the rich and the privileged, wiping their noses, cleaning up behind

them. And you know what?

I like bouillabaisse, and I like swimming pools, and I like green lawns,

much as those folks who live in Rancho Santa Fe.

Was it worth two lives, Jake?

Carlisle had a heart attack. That wasn't my fault.

Huh?

And Kent?

Kent located cards for me. Names, dates, locations, habits.

But once Carlisle died, that was it.

Kent would have blabbed his guts when the first cop came knocking at the door.

But now the question is, vous avez vu?

You got the tape, Jake. We're not stupid. We're willing to deal.

No, you won't.

Not you two. Come on.

And that poses a very ugly problem for me.

Ripley, I'm almost sorry you called me. What are you talking about? I didn't

call nobody.

You set me up. You're wired.

Freeze, Jake.

Drop it, Jake.

You know who you're aiming at, Lieutenant?

Yourself in 20 years. And believe me, when you get there, you'll have a wider

perspective. Not the kind you're talking about.

You'll know that Santa Claus only comes down the chimneys of very large and

expensive homes.

Stop stalling, Jake. You know that all the risks you've taken and all the

sacrifices you've made won't buy you the porch on one of those places.

So let's make a little deal, Lieutenant, huh?

I'll put my piece away.

I'll get in my car.

And I'll drive on out of here, okay?

Not okay.

You put it down, and you do it now.

You won't shoot me, Lieutenant.

Not a fellow officer.

Am I right, boys?

I don't know. Personally, she looks pretty steady to me.

No, I don't think so.

You want to put it down now?

Please?

A motion by the district attorney.

All charges against Richard and Andrew Simon are hereby dismissed.

Bail is exonerated. Court's adjourned.

She had to dismiss?

We'd have killed her with my motion to suppress, huh?

Right, Ralph.

Just thought I'd say thanks.

We wanted to know if you'd like to join us for lunch at the Del Coronado.

If you two think you're going to manipulate me like Lieutenant Brown,

living in the ozone.

From now on, if either of you takes one step into my squad room, you had better

have a valid, legal, compelling, and necessary reason.

Get the picture, guys?

I got it.

Did you get it?

I'm a mom.

Where are you going?

Lunch, honey.

We're lunching at the Dell.