Original subtitles

you know

Hey, Dory.

Permission to come aboard?

Not now, Cliff. I'm busy.

Well, I know.

I saw the Coast Guard towing you in. What's that, three times in five weeks?

You know you ought to rent that cutter from them for your tours.

Cut out the middleman.

Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

Now shove off, huh?

Come on, Johnson. Snap it up. Snap it up. I want the food on board before it

spoils. Yes, sir.

Rich kids.

They don't know what hard work means.

I'll follow in to cut the stern loose.

Cut it loose.

Hey, where the hell is she going?

I don't know.

Test run I guess.

wasn't any chance to save it.

I don't even know what happened.

It blew up.

There was nothing I could do.

Rick, you've had some crazy ideas before.

Why have this one again?

Hey, look, you were the one talking about our severe financial crisis. I

decided to do something about it. But handbills, I mean...

It's so degrading. Only if they don't work.

Besides, it's my name on there. I'll take the blame for it if it flops.

And the credit if it succeeds?

Yes, sir. Come on in.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a Rick Simon.

Aha. Well, I'm Rick Simon at your service. My name is Smithers. Mr.

have a seat, please.

I'm with the First United Bank. Ah, my favorite.

Well, what seems to be the problem?

A new security system?

Embezzler in the ranks?

No, no, no, no. I'm with the credit card division.

Ah, credit card fraud. Well, I can be a big help to you on that.

That's what I was counting on.

Now, if I could have your card, please.

My card?

Yes, your credit card.

The bank is confiscating it for non -payment.

Is another tough case solved?

No. No.

No, because I know that I just recently made a payment on this card. I mean, I

made a payment within the last... Six months.

...week. I made a payment on this card, so there's no reason that I can think of

for the bank to want to confiscate...

My card.

Oh, yeah. The Olympic furniture toss.

Looks like we got some new neighbors on the high -rent side of the building.

Yeah. Any idea where business is going? We better hope it's a loan company.

Hey, Phillips.

I see you found another target to rent space in this fire trap.

Arthur Dunnington, this is Rick and A .J. Simon.

All right.

Dunnington is with Triple I. Yeah.

You're joking. What's wrong with that?

Triple I stands for Interglobal Investigators Incorporated. We are the

private detective operation in this country.

PIs. Excuse us.

Phillips, would you like to have a word with you privately?

All right, Phillips. What the hell is going on here? You can't put two PI

companies in the same building.

It's against zoning laws.

Mr. Phillips.

Mr.

Phillips, what?

Let's think about this. Is this really a wise business decision?

I mean, consider, we are barely making it ourselves.

Now, there's no way in the world that two private investigative agencies are

going to survive in this building.

Good point.

Excuse me. I'm looking for Rick Simon.

Uh, hi. That's me.

Just step right this way into my office.

The triple I.

I didn't know you had offices in this building.

I just moved in. Could I be of assistance?

I've seen your commercials. That guy is really gorgeous.

Is he really a detective or just an actor?

He's an actor.

I can't believe I just wandered in and found this triple I office.

Well, you look pretty fully recovered.

Oh, hi.

It certainly could have been worse.

I feel a whole lot better when you replace my boat, though.

I know how slow you insurance guys can be.

So did you bring me a check?

Don't worry, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but mutual fidelity is going

contest the claim.

But my boat, thank you only.

The company's preliminary investigation indicates that the sinking...

May not have been accidental.

I was on that boat alone.

They think I sank it?

Oh.

I see.

Well, no, Sylvia, I was kind of hoping to get some leads from Benny right away.

I can't wait three years to time off good behavior.

Visiting days are on Tuesday. That's nice.

Well, make sure you take it. No, absolutely not.

Bye -bye.

I know we said we'd take anything, but she doesn't need a private investigator.

She needs a priest.

All right.

Bye.

Woman's convinced that Elvis is haunting her attic.

I'm sure something is.

I never thought I would live to see the day that there weren't enough...

bail jumpers and missing relatives and messy divorces to go around.

Utopia. Couldn't have come at a worse time.

Rick, AJ, sorry to disturb you. Would it be all right to make a couple of quick

measurements?

What kind of measurements?

What for?

Oh, uh, just a couple of contingencies.

In English.

Well, one of our...

guarantees for moving here was an option on the first available storage space.

And Mr. Phillips tells me that this should be vacant soon, so... In your

Artie, the only thing likely to be vacant around here in the near future is

space between your molars!

Perhaps we came at a bad time.

Fine.

There's plenty of time to do this later.

After you're evicted?

There is no way that blazer boy

there is going to put us out of business.

Time and time and investigation.

Lester! Yeah, what's up?

A repo?

We'll take it.

Um, we might be interested.

Uh -huh.

Okay, I got it.

Thanks, Lester.

What? What do you got?

It's a houseboat repo down at the marina from a guy named Popeye Duncan.

Popeye? Popeye.

That's kind of a weird nickname.

Why would you call a guy Popeye?

Job necessary.

Not if you want to surrender to Artie Dunnington.

Come on, Dunnington!

Nobody takes my boat!

Oh!

Hey, can I get a little help over here, huh?

Popeye, you disappoint me.

My mother hits harder than that.

They shouldn't call you Popeye. They ought to call you Sweet Pea. Come on,

one right here.

Come on, right there.

when he found his little spinach patch.

No wonder he was willing to kill to keep it.

Yeah, well, he gets bailed out before he gets his lock changed, and he may try

again.

Who's stopping you?

Hi.

Hi. Is this your boat?

Uh, well, uh... Uh... Not exactly.

Too bad.

Nice boat.

Nice boat.

Nothing.

Not one phone call all morning.

We got that repo yesterday.

Oh, whoopee.

The fee covered one week's back rent out of eight weeks due.

Some of the economic realities of being a private detective, not only staring us

in the face, but kicking us in the teeth.

So we'll kick back.

It's not that simple.

I do know I'm not going to sit around in this office waiting for the phone to

ring. Let's go.

Where?

I don't care.

Let's go fishing.

Let's go to a ball game. Let's go alligator wrestling. Just anywhere but

Went alligator wrestling last week.

Yeah, well, you lost.

Two out of three falls.

Come on. Wait up, AJ.

Does this mean you're throwing in the towel? Fight's over?

That's it? Over and out? Adios?

You know what they say about beating your head against a brick wall?

No. It feels so good when you stop.

Well, maybe we should stop.

Excuse me.

Hi, Rick.

Hi. Dory Wilson.

Dory. And you're A .J., right?

You remember Dory. Mom's club took that whale -watching cruise on her boat last

year. Oh, yes.

Yes, of course. And then, as I recall, you two took a few moonlight cruises of

your own.

We are friends, A .J.

Ignore him. He's an animal. So, how are... Ooh.

What happened to you?

Well, I got that during the explosion.

The what?

That's why I'm here.

I lost my boat last week, and now my insurance company won't pay.

And I need a good detective.

I see.

And you're on your way to see Triple I?

No. Triple I is representing the insurer against me.

I'm looking for someone to fight them for me, and I found one of your flyers,

so...

So, what you want us to do is take on Triple I directly.

Head to head, no holds barred. May the best investigator win. Is that right?

Right.

What do you say, AJ?

That's what I thought he'd say.

There wasn't any warning at all?

No, the boat was running fine.

I just shifted it into neutral and gone forward, and then boom! All of a sudden,

the engine compartment just blew up.

I was far enough away that I was blown clear.

It must have been a fuel leak or something.

And now Mutual Fidelity is claiming you scuttled the ship for the insurance

money?

I just wouldn't do something like that.

I mean, anyone who knows me will tell you I love that boat more than anything.

I'm down for that.

My father worked all his life as a commercial fisherman.

I grew up on the docks. Dad always used to tell me that I had to get my own boat

and not work all my life for other people the way he did.

Four years ago, after he died, I found out that he kept up payments for years

a large life insurance policy so I could buy my boat.

Let me get this straight.

Arthur Dunnington is claiming he can prove that you sank your own boat?

I got enough money to pay you for a few days.

And if we win, there's a bonus in it for you.

So, will you take the case?

We already have.

Look out, Arthur Dunnington.

Come on, Mixon, we've been cooling our heels for 35 minutes here.

Why don't you buzz down or let him know nap time's over?

Like I told you, he's in a private meeting. No buzzers, no calls, and no

interruptions. VIP time, huh?

Wonder who it is.

Judging from the size of that heater Nixon's sucking on, I'd have to say it

Fidel Castro.

Listen, close.

Listen, if you ever decide to take your pension, we can always use a good man at

our Honolulu branch. I'll keep that in mind.

Nice talking to you.

And, uh, thanks.

So he's not a big spender. You meet Artie? Heck of a nice guy.

You don't like Berman.

Guess you meant him.

Towne!

How could you let yourself be taken in by that self -promoting charlatan? I

haven't been taken in.

I know he's 80 % businessman and 20 % investigator.

But even you have to admit, the Triple I's been doing a lot of business.

Well, gee, thanks, Towne, for your support during our life and death

I suppose you spilled your guts about the Dory Wilson case.

Hey, guys, lighten up.

I haven't sold any secrets to your enemy.

I don't have any to sell.

All we know is that the circumstances were suspicious.

In what way?

Well, we know she was alone on the boat when it went down, and we know she's a

few hundred bucks away from bankrupt city.

What's suspicious about that? So are we.

Have a cigar and get out of here.

Uh, no, thanks.

There was gold everywhere.

There was gold all over the floor of that ocean. There must have been at

200 bars down there lying on that ocean floor. Harry, you told me this story the

last time I was here.

You couldn't mark the spot because there were other divers in the area? That's

right. Yeah, and then the big storm blew up and covered everything up. Heavy

storm we've had in 40 years.

I've heard it before, Harry.

Rick, all we need is a few thousand dollars. We could form a little

There's millions.

Time. Me and you. Time. You and me.

This is Rick.

I don't have a few thousand. I don't have a few hundred.

I don't have a few.

Look, if you can photograph Dory's boat for me, maybe I can help you out a

little bit.

Oh, that's Bill, didn't you know it?

All right, all right. You got a chart.

Now, Dory marked the spot.

I would have given this a shot myself, but she says the currents right along in

here are real tricky.

Oh, there.

She's right.

That is very tricky.

I'm going to have to have something up front on this.

About 50.

That's tricky, huh?

Very tricky.

And a lot of cameras in the hawk.

For investors in a treasure hunting expedition, I think we should talk.

Yeah, I haven't had a good talk all day.

Just how many drinks did you have, Harry?

Mm -hmm.

No, Harry.

Harry.

Harry, forget about the gold.

Just tell me, what did your old palsy -walsy look like?

Mm -hmm.

I got it.

Okay, Harry, go sleep it off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bye.

Somebody got Harry hammered and relieved him of our film.

Guess who?

Dunnington.

Bingo.

Now, would you like to help me prove that?

I'd love to.

Are you sure you're going to be able to pull this off?

Absolutely. All you've got to do is shim the door with a credit card.

Security Systems McKenzie 220. I just happened to notice that when they were

installing it, so... Well, that means you've got 30 seconds to deactivate the

alarm once you get the door open.

Piece of cake. Now, just step back, watch your master at work.

First step is to shim the door with the, um...

You've got a credit card on there.

Sure. 43 seconds.

Fifteen seconds.

Ten.

Five.

What are you standing around here for? Let's get burgling.

So to try the dark room?

That seems like a good place to look for photographs.

These are Dory's boat.

That's interesting.

What? These are all the same brand of film.

This one, however, is something called EconoPix.

Well, that's hairy for you. Never one to waste good beer money on fancy film.

Okay, why don't you get out of here and I'll start making up some prints.

Okay.

I'll go check out Artie's place.

AJ. What?

We have a little problem out here.

What? Well, there's an alarm out here that got tripped somehow.

Belongs to Sendrek Security.

Any roving patrols in the area? No.

Of course, this time of night, their office is only about six minutes away

here.

Any idea how that alarm got tripped?

Not a clue.

Right.

No, it's got to be the stepdaughter. And you call yourself an investigator?

That big old battle axe that claims to be a distant cousin.

It's really a long -lost brother who disappeared to have a sex change.

Hey, it's Artie.

These are the men who broke in. I'm sure of it.

I don't know what you're talking about, Arthur.

But you really shouldn't go about making unfounded accusations.

We know you don't like us. Otherwise, you'd have invited us to your jammie

party.

You know, that really is a nice top.

I had no idea that polyester could be so, uh...

So sensuous, so macho, so... Go ahead and make your little jokes.

But I'm warning you.

You're messing around with the wrong person.

I'll use every resource that Triple I has, and we have plenty to close you

You want to play hardball?

Well, gentlemen, I'm your man.

These are incredible.

Where did you get them?

Well, a reliable, uh...

We have sources. Yeah, and anyway, we showed the pictures to a friend of ours,

the marine surveyor.

And he pointed out, if you look at the hole, you'll see that the direction of

the explosion is all wrong for a gas leak.

So these prove that my boat was deliberately sunk?

Afraid so.

But who? I mean, it just doesn't make any sense.

That's why you hired us.

Now, who would profit from scuttling your boat?

Well, my only real business competition is Cliff Everett.

I bet he's got three boats and 80 % of the customers.

Maybe he wants 100%. Well, you should also consider the possibility that it

isn't business.

Maybe somebody has some sort of personal vendetta against you.

You mean someone was trying to kill me?

No. That's impossible.

I don't have enemies like that.

Hey!

Are you selling the boat?

What? Are you selling the boat?

What?

Are you selling the boat?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I talked to Lester. If I can come up with a $3 ,000 in

delinquent payment, Popeye's boat is all mine.

You're moving? Yeah.

You're actually, honestly, really, truly moving? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't try to

talk me out of it. I know it's going to be rough on you, but I just, I've got to

have my own space. Oh, absolutely.

I couldn't agree with you more. Yeah. Good. Then you won't mind co -signing

lease.

And how much is this little slice of paradise going to cost?

You're going to laugh when I tell you. The whole enchilada, slip fees included,

is only $950 a month. You ready for that?

That's what I'm supposed to laugh at? Yeah.

We're almost out of business, and you're going to pay $950 a month in rent?

Perfect. Think about it. This is the perfect time to make this move. What?

A .J., think of all the incentive I'm gonna have to go out and hustle up new

clients.

Your logic leaves me speechless.

See?

Fine.

It's your problem.

I'm gonna go see if Cliff Everett is really as prosperous as it claims to be.

Oh, you have worn some hideous disguises before, but this one, all that takes

the cake.

When Cliff Everett sees this, it's instant cooperation.

Uh -huh.

Mutual fidelity handles his insurance, too.

I'm going to call town, see if they've developed anything new.

Yeah, hello.

Yes, it is still available, although a couple of buyers are looking at it right

now.

Ten minutes.

Well, I suppose I can't wait that long.

Okay, fine.

Bye.

Yeah, all you got to do is take one look at these lines and you know she's a

classic. Hi. Hi.

Yeah, you're going to get a lot of years of boating pleasure out of this baby.

And the price, well, price is a deal.

Hi. Hi.

Of course, I'm not saying she's perfect.

No problem.

Well, I haven't had her in the water a lot recently.

No problem.

Hell, the truth is, she's been parked back here for two years. She puts this

boat in the water, it's likely to sink like a stone.

No problem.

No, look, you don't understand. See, this boat, put this boat in the water.

Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

Mr. Pagama, I think you're absolutely right. You put a fresh coat of paint on

her, stick your name on the sign, and she's going to make a great sign for

salvage yard.

Aye. Aye.

Aye. Bye.

Yeah, I got it.

Okay, town, thanks for the info.

Got you later.

Bye.

How'd it go?

We should have Everett's bottom line.

Dory sure wasn't hurting him financially.

What did town say?

Well, the police lab reconstructed the detonator. It wasn't your basic

flashlight, battery, alarm clock, timing device.

They think it worked off the number of revolutions the propeller made, some

of a microchip control.

Boy, somebody went to a lot of trouble.

But who?

Can you do me a favor?

Sure.

Take that jacket off.

Sorry.

There's little point in going on with this little charade, Miss Wilson.

We know you scuttled your own boat, and we can prove it if we have to. So if

you'll sign this quick claim absolving mutual fidelity of all responsibility

your loss, I will do my best to try to convince them not to press charges

against you.

I did not sink that boat, and I'm not signing that or anything else.

So look who's here.

Yes, sir.

What are they shooting at us for? Because they're stupid.

It's getting any brighter.

Just keep your hands up.

I knew you were desperate, but an assassination?

Are you people nuts?

If you knew your business, you'd know that was a rifle shot.

Rifle shot?

Rifle shot, Artie. Keep pointing this thing at me, and I'm going to make it a

permanent part of your anatomy. If I wanted to assassinate you, which I am

seriously considering, you'll be the first to know.

All right, Dory. What happened?

There was some sniper over there somewhere.

The Rambo Brigade here put down enough firepower to scare away a Panzer

division, so he's gone.

We were just defending ourselves.

And I'm planning on making a complaint to the authorities about your part in

this. Our part in this was to be clay pigeons for you and your posse.

I will be happy to cooperate with the authorities and inform them just how

mindlessly incompetent you were.

Wilson Tours.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Bradford.

Yes. Did you get your deposit check back?

Good.

Oh, I'm so glad it all went well in spite of the... Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

Oh, what a nice lady.

Can you imagine having your daughter's wedding all planned and then finding out

the night before that the boat you chartered sank?

What? What did you say?

You had a charter the day after the boat sank?

Yeah, but I had to cancel it.

Why didn't you tell us this before?

Well, it never happened. What difference does it make?

Maybe a lot of difference.

AJ, you have that inspired look again.

Remember the detonator?

It wasn't a simple timing device. It was primed by the number of revolutions the

propeller made.

What would have happened if Dory hadn't taken her boat out for a test run?

It would have sunk the next day.

With the wedding party on board.

Do you have a copy of the guest list?

Yeah.

Here.

It all fits.

The sniper wasn't really after Dory. Just trying to cloud the fact that he

trying to kill someone on that list.

Now what we have to do is call town.

Find out if anybody on that list really was murdered. That would be the easy

way.

No, I really would prefer to do this the hard way.

Oh, I couldn't agree with you more.

Looking good, guys.

Watch out for the pigeons.

I just eat this up with a spoon.

It's going to work.

A company like Triple I has access to databases with millions of records.

Incredible. reports, police files, insurance files, anything you can think

Can you get my credit card back?

Never mind.

Okay.

Now the only trick is going to be getting into their system.

Would you consider Dunnington an egotistical man?

Okay.

Now, let's see if anyone on that gets the kind of violent death since the

Well, hold, hold, hold, hold. There's one.

Johnson? Yeah, Charles Franklin Johnson.

We got a Charles Johnson on the list here.

Auto accident.

Okay, well, let's see if I can bring up the accident report.

Here we go.

Alone in the car, went and took a swan dive off of Bryce Point.

Moderate alcohol level in his blood, classified as accidental death.

Could be our man.

Get anything else on him?

Cross -check all the other databases.

Why don't you cross -check all the other databases?

No.

Woo -hoo.

Checked that one out.

Million -dollar insurance policy.

Mutual Fidelity, sole beneficiary, Dan Johnson's son.

If you can get an address, I've got a sudden urge to go visiting.

Now, Blister, I'll check the end of your directory.

That's what I love about our modern technology.

Blister does the easy stuff and then leaves it to us to track down the guy's

address. On the bright side.

Johnson's. Johnson's. How many Johnson's can there be?

Under Johnson's.

Daniel, Dan, or Dee might say, well, only about 50 of them.

All right, Elmore. This better be worth getting me down here at dawn.

I was making my rounds this morning. I noticed the light on your search

suppressor was on. It was off earlier.

So I checked the computer time codes, and someone made several inquiries

4 .30 this morning.

The Simons.

I better check everything that they called up.

You Dan Johnson?

Yeah. You're a hard man to find. Mutual fidelity says it. You might be here.

We're with Interglobal Investigators Incorporated. I'd like to ask you a

questions.

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

Mr. Johnson, are you aware that private detectives are investigating you? Just a

minute. Let me turn this off.

Yeah. I know why you're all after me, so you can drop the act.

I need you to finally figure it out.

What are we up to?

Well... This is D. Johnson, number 19.

You ring the bell on this one. I rang the bell on the last one. No, no, no.

Dee Johnson turns out to be Denise Johnson in a filmy negligee, that

count. When Dee Johnson turns out to be a longshoreman or a truck driver or a

professional wrestler like my last three did, then that counts.

Somehow I don't think we're going to have to ring the bell.

What are they doing here?

Stealing our case.

Give me 30 seconds to get to the front door.

And you play Mr. Postman.

I could have just gotten you people off my back.

But you wouldn't give up, would you?

You had to keep hounding.

Our company car is in the driveway. If someone doesn't answer, they're going to

get... Shut up!

Yeah?

Messenger service from Mutual Fidelity. Special delivery.

Just leave it.

You got a sign for it.

the lowest human being with handcuffs I have ever met.

I really

hope there are

no hard feelings, Arthur.

No, I mean, I hope we didn't interrupt your operation.

Yeah, he's right. I'm afraid we did, AJ.

I mean, look at it, Artie's just... Standing here, handcuffed with a

tissue, waiting for one of his computers to show him how to escape.

Don't get carried away, Rick.

You've managed to offer some assistance in one minor case.

But Triple I is still dedicated to putting you out of business.

And we'll be right across the hall, day after day, until Simon and Simon goes

belly up.

We'll just have to see about that. Now, won't we, Artie?

Boy, this is living.

I never knew you loved the sea so much.

Hi, Rick. Hi, Betty.

Lorraine.

Oh, yeah, he's just a regular John Paul Jones.

I love the sea.

I think it's lovely, Rick.

I was wondering about the mirrored tiles in the bedroom. Yeah.

Oh, those.

Well, that's for space, see, because the room is so

small, and the mirrors make it look bigger.

It's your life, but I don't think you'll find some of your angles very

attractive.

Well, I just can't thank you guys enough.

Maybe this bonus will help.

Oh, thank you.

$2 ,000.

Thank you.

I see that's a month's rent on the boat.

A little trip down the Mazat line.

Care to join me?

No. I wasn't asking you.

That two -month back rent on the office plus utilities, after which it's all

yours, should come out to...

About $46.

I'll call my travel agent.

Oh, well, what the heck, I didn't do it for the money anyway.

Did it put Artie in the toilet?

Speaking of toilets... Yes?

Artie called.

He called to say thank you. You're kidding.

I didn't think he'd have the class to do something like that.

He doesn't. Ah.

Mutual Fidelity paid Triple I a fee for avoiding payout on the Johnson policy.

Ten percent of value.

One. hundred thousand dollars.

Let's hear it for justice, folks.