Original subtitles

and hereinafter shall be referred to as the last will and testament of Richard

Simon. To my beloved mother, Cecilia, I leave the contents of my personal

savings accounts and my $15 ,000 serviceman's group life insurance.

I also appoint her trustee for my military decorations.

To my dearest little brother, Andrew, and I think this is the only time in my

life I ever called you that.

What can I leave you that isn't already in your house?

My boat.

Now, I know you never thought much of it, but on the next page you'll notice I

bequeath all my tools and standing equipment to Carlos Escobar with my

request to make the hole in the water seaworthy for you, A .J.

You sure about all this?

Yeah, you're right.

Standing equipment ought to go to Gordy's wick. Do I borrow it, Tom?

What about him?

I was on his own when I found him. Besides anything I'd give to him, he'd

squander it on strays and old soup bones.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about your allergy. Next time, Marlowe stays at home.

Why can't we do this in my office?

I don't go to that neighborhood.

Remember the last time I got my windshield blown out? Hey, I validate

With what, a magnum?

I've got to be in court 20 minutes ago.

Geez, I'm sorry. I held you up.

That's okay. It's murder one. Guy roasted his brother -in -law. It'll

I'll redraft this sucker and get it back to you next week, okay? Sooner the

better, Mello.

What's the flea -bitten mutt doing here? I was just going to take him to the

vet. Yeah, I wasn't referring to Marlowe.

AJ, love to stay, but I'm way too big.

I thought we agreed never to take another case from him. He just happened

in the neighborhood.

Oh, he did not. Our neighborhood isn't zoned for that kind of plea.

Ah, ah, defamation of character.

Can I use your phone?

They told me again.

You'd think they'd leave a Studebaker alone.

It's a national treasure.

Anybody see him come in here? It's bad for business. Very careful. It's my

personal attorney you're talking about.

You're what?

Nah, he's just doing a little thing for me.

Rick, are you in some kind of trouble? No, not anymore.

You need a lift?

Nah, nah, they'll give me a loaner down there. Let me walk you out. There's one

little detail I forgot to talk to you about. Sure thing. It's your life.

You can cry if you want to.

What's going on here?

I know it's his death.

It's all right.

Well, well, well.

Either Rick is dying or he's growing up.

Don't tell me.

You've been drafted. Nope. This is bigger. Better.

This is nuts. Looks like your entire life decided to have a swap meet.

Well, oddly enough, that's pretty much what happened. Oh, no. Forget it. We are

not going to have the crazed swarm of cheap psycho bargain hunters that your

possessions will undoubtedly attract, not to mention your friends. Sit down, A

.J.

Where?

Uh, well, if you move this stuff off the ground... If this is going to be an A

.J., you better sit down. I'd rather stand up.

Okay. You ready?

I'm moving.

Where, when, and why?

Out now because it's time.

Is this the full moon again? No, that's got nothing to do with it. It's just all

of a sudden my life has become one big full moon.

Who is she?

It's just that little voice inside me saying it's time to pull the cord and

this crazy free fall.

Land someplace.

Someplace I can call my own.

Adriana. Forget it. She's not your type. You haven't even met her. She's still

not your type. Look, Rick, this sort of thing ends up with you somewhere in

Oregon waking up in the power wagon looking for your shoes. All I know is

something's shaking here, and when one of these life force things happens to

you, you've got to move on it. Go up to my room, take a nice, long, hot shower,

rub your neck.

This is not like the other times. Will you button up for just a minute so I can

explain to you why this is not like the other times?

Thank you.

I know this is going to be a difficult concept for you to grasp, at least to

begin with.

Here goes.

You ever heard of emotional aerobics?

Has he sustained any head injuries recently?

No, but he's been standing on it all week.

You're sure it's not that full moon thing again?

It's a tradition with him now.

No, symptoms are different. Rick wouldn't even dream of moving during a

moon. Well, he's not himself already.

Yesterday he came by babbling about some Filipino purification diet program.

The bow ties, of course. I didn't think anything of it at the time. A week ago

he went through some trunks in the attic. He left with a half a dozen old

ties.

I wonder if we could get him to see Dr. Gassner.

Aren't we overlooking the obvious here? Doesn't Rick have a birthday coming up

soon? Oh, Rick's birthday isn't for another two months. No, but Tom's right.

Hormones can't read a calendar. The man is sailing right into a midlife crisis.

Without any navigational aids.

Man the lifeboats, we got one hell of a storm coming.

Well, maybe we better check out Hurricane Adriana.

Uh... I've been having this recurrent dream.

And it's always the same, except... Sometimes I'm wearing different foot

Anyway, I'm climbing this weird mountain.

Snowcapped peaks must be somewhere in the Himalayas, even though there are no

signs. But the guides that are with me are wearing those

sheep hats and the rotten woolly vests.

Anyway, I'm right up there on this high ledge overlooking what must be

Mongolia, I guess, and all of a sudden the Sherpas,

they wave at me and they say, goodbye, Mr. Simon, you know the way

down, and they're gone.

is a very special day for us.

I'd like to speak for the group when I tell Rick how happy we are for him that

he was able to open up like that.

I mean, that's third year stuff we're looking at. This is only your third day.

But we all move at our own pace. And what's good for Rick here may not be

for Vince.

Okay, like I said at the last meeting, we're going to move on to the exercises.

Mom, this is ridiculous.

I told you I'd pay for the rental. If I'm going to stake out my own son, I'm

going to worry about incidentals. No, no, no. I mean the whole thing.

I mean, why don't you just invite her over for dinner?

Dinner? Schminner, you can't tell anything across the table. You've got to

under it to get the real story.

There they are.

I don't know. Maybe I'm moving too fast.

Just thinking about everything I said to the group in there, I feel strange.

Huh.

Wouldn't you know it.

A blonde.

Always a blonde.

Good. Strange, you know.

Strange.

Hey, when everybody started talking about what the Sherpas meant, especially

that guy that said they...

represented my long -repressed hatred of short people.

It all started to make sense.

Yeah, I wouldn't be in therapy the rest of my life.

Oh, you're going to do just fine.

Don't take the others so seriously.

If they had any answers, why would they be in the group?

Okay, let's roll.

Mom, would you try and relax, please?

My son's off with a blonde bimbo and joined with some cult, and you're asking

to relax?

Mom, it's not a cult. It's part of the university curriculum.

Besides which, Rick isn't interested in the seminar. He's interested in the

blonde.

This isn't about Rick.

This is about you.

You've seen Rick with lots of women before. It's just the first time he's

moved in with one.

And you're afraid he's picked the wrong woman to spend the rest of his life

with. And frankly, I'm not so sure about Adriana myself.

But trust me, this is all going to work itself out.

We're all of us going through a difficult period of adjustment here.

I guess you're right.

I'm not going to overreact. I'm going to say... Oh, my God.

What?

Give me your gun. Now, Mom, that's overreacting.

You don't want to do anything. Oh, yes, I do.

There you go, Mom. Lee?

Hey, hey, hey. He's getting some ice. He's parking. Yes, he is, Mom, but I

realize...

You're

sure about that?

Then we'll go back to your apartment.

You're the one who's always laughing and talking about it. Yeah.

Let's confront your real feelings and see where they take us.

And anyway, I've got a roommate.

We got a roommate?

Oh, don't worry. Our spheres are beginning to part.

Let's go in.

Never been here before. It's all talk, huh? Just kind of horsing around.

Well, you better get off that saddle right now, mister, because your Bronco

isn't going to be bucking tonight. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Mom!

Good.

Don't be ridiculous. You can't file criminal charges against your own

even though she is trying to file them against you. What is it with you guys?

Last week you were a nice family, American Gothic. Now you're just Gothic,

disturbing the peace at an adult motel. Well, she started it. I was just there

minding my own business.

Risky business if you don't mind my objective opinion.

Objective? I will tell you what's the objective here.

I am the objective of a Puritan witch hunt.

Don't be paranoid.

All right, look, so I wanted to hit a few extra balls down the back nine,

stretch these old legs before they need support hose.

All of a sudden, I'm descended on by the wrath of Khan out there like some moral

leper. She's only trying to show you how much she cares, Rick.

Come on, a mother's love is far more satisfying than a romp in hot, sudsy

Well, it's better than a lot of things.

When we leave here, I'm going to wake up Stan Zellman and have that moral leper

written out of the will.

Mom, things will look different in the morning.

Sure, it'll be in all the papers by then.

Simon family tears up adult motel.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

You've never been so concerned in your life.

Yes, I guess you're right.

I wonder just who is going through a midlife crisis.

We all are, Mom.

Sorry.

Sorry. She cut him out of will.

Good. Means he's not that serious.

I was worried I was going to have to book them both.

I'm Adriana, and you're Cecilia.

I just love all this feeling, don't you?

I've seen some flakes in my life, but she takes the cake.

Rick is obviously out of his mind.

Your mom's cute, Rick.

Yeah, I think she's beginning to like you, too.

Who are you calling?

Joe. Joe?

Joe Willard, my roommate.

Oh, Joe, as in Joanne.

Don't worry, Rick, it's nothing serious. It's just that.

And anyway, we'll get rid of him.

Oh, Joe.

Artie.

Come on in.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just stopped by to give you something.

Don't stop. I'm not really awake yet.

What's wrong?

I was just thinking about this Joe guy.

He'd walk in here any second.

I feel like I ought to talk to him or something.

Oh, Rick.

You're so sensitive.

I'm really proud to know you, Rick.

But Joe won't mind, trust me. Oh, well, I mind.

The more I think about, well, feel it, really, the more I'm sure that you and I

should cease all activity on a physical plane until you've met Joe.

Uh, that's, uh, not exactly what I meant.

Uh, what I meant was, um... Hey, Jay.

Hey, Rick.

Gotta find a missing person.

Name is Joe Willard. All right.

Let's go do the preliminary interview with the client right now. I'm the

I'll forego my usual fee and I'll pay you.

With what?

Come on, AJ. It's the first time I've ever been in love.

Really, in love.

Now, how would you feel if the one true love in my life didn't work out just

because you wouldn't give me a hand?

She says she loves me because of my mind.

Who is Joe Willard? What difference does that make? He's a human being.

And he's Adriana's roommate.

He's what?

He's Adriana's roommate.

Yeah, okay.

I'll see you at the office.

Well... Joe's?

AJ didn't find anything either. We checked out all the places you

Is there anything else?

I want you to tell me every little detail about him.

Well, he's really very sweet.

You'll like him.

Solid and responsible, just like you are.

It's not like him to go on vacation without leaving me a note.

And his gym shoes worry me.

His gym shoes worry you?

They're Merkle Zip Z -Cred sprinters. He'd never abandon them.

He takes such good care of his body.

Uh, so, Adriana, it'd be real nice if you could loan me, uh, Joe's address

His current bills, if they happen to be around, or any letters he might have

left, you know, anything like that.

You think he's dead, don't you?

Oh, no, no, not at all. He's probably just unavoidably detained.

Happens all the time.

Hello. Hi.

Miss Bessner?

Hi. My name is A .J. Simon. I'm a friend of Joe Willard.

Yeah.

Actually, I was wondering if you'd seen him any time in the last few days.

Oh.

Oh, that's great. Where were you skiing?

No, well, thank you anyway, Mr. Esner.

Aida.

Right. Nice talking to you, too.

My left ear is numb.

Well, all I've got is a receipt from Alberto's paper hangers and a Christmas

card from some tropical fish doctor.

But nothing unusual.

Well, according to his calendar...

He was supposed to meet somebody named Artie Kaufman at 4 o 'clock on Friday.

What makes you think this guy Kaufman is in any of our files?

We have looked under all the usual rocks. The guy isn't there.

The law enforcement's assistance administration didn't give us that

you could spy on Adriana's old plane.

Come on, town's the middle of the night. All that computer time's just going

away. Yeah, all those megabytes gathering dust.

All we need's an address and a phone number.

Come on. Right, all right.

See file number 8536214.

Is this guy in jail?

Don't think so. He was supposed to have met Willard two days ago.

It was a mistake, sir. Sorry. Computer glitch.

Yeah.

Anything wrong?

You don't want to know. Yes, we do. No, you don't. Yes, we do.

Well, we just stumbled across the file of a government witness who was killed

two days ago.

Artie Konofsky.

Art Kaufman was Artie Konofsky, the guy that got blown up in the plane?

I didn't say that. We were supposed to have met Joe Willard two days ago. Now,

what if they got them both?

Look, don't worry. I don't know much about this case, but I do read the

newspapers. They found one body, and they also found some ID.

Well, yeah, but two guys who were supposed to be together disappear on the

day, even if they've only got one body. Are they sure it was Karnowski?

Karnowski filed the flight plans, he gassed up the plane, and he also talked

the control tower after takeoff.

I thought we were going to see Men of La Mancha.

We are. We are, Betty. We're just picking up the tickets. Listen, we're

need three surgical gowns and some latex gloves. I don't want to know what

you've got in mind.

Not at all.

Ah, that'll be fun.

Thank you. I'll get the stuff.

Okay.

While we're waiting, would you mind just doing a little favor for us?

Just what do you think I am?

A very talented dental hygienist, Betty.

Look, see, these are x -rays of a guy that we're looking for, Joe Willard. And

we want to know...

Are these Joe Willard's teeth?

Well, is this one?

These x -rays couldn't belong to the dead guy.

These are riddled with cavities.

The guy in the bag has perfect teeth.

Federal agents, you're under arrest.

We were just here to pick up tickets to Men of La Mancha.

You guys are really something. Just how dead does Artie Karnofsky have to be?

If it had gone easier on the explosives, you wouldn't need dental records to

prove it's Artie Karnofsky. We are private investigators looking for a

person. We know your PIs. We checked that hours ago. But you also decided to

pick up a quick $50 ,000 and take out Artie Karnofsky.

Well, look at the file we took to the morgue.

It's Joe Willard's file.

What's it for?

To identify Joe Willard's body.

It's his dental file from his dentist, Dr.

Mitkin. Dr. Mitkin, I know.

Who's Joe Willard?

The guy whose body we're looking for.

You killed two guys with the same dentist?

Joe Willard and Artie Kronofsky had the same dentist.

Don't act surprised.

If this guy Joe Willard doesn't turn up, you're on the hook for his murder, too.

Hey, wait. Don't you get it?

There's only one body.

But two guys with the same dentist are missing.

Well, what if their files got switched somehow? That would be Joe Willard.

Records in a dentist's office don't get switched.

Three to San Diego, too.

All right, get out of here.

Damn.

I think they're right.

What if Karnofsky is still alive?

How's it going, town?

You guys started a little spark that set my pants on fire.

That's a very touchy about Arnie Karnofsky. Drop it. Hey, they think

men. We'll drop it if they will. Come on, town. We could spend all night in

Gulag Archipelago.

The least you could do is give us whatever you got on Arnie Karnofsky.

The only way we're ever going to prove Joe Willard is dead is to find Arnie

Karnofsky alive.

Your love triangle has turned into the Bermuda Triangle.

This thing is just too weird and touchy.

Town, we think the dental records got switched.

If you could just run a check on Joe Willard's teeth for us.

Number one, I'm on the verge of being suspended because you got too close to

remains of a murder federal witness. I did not. You did.

And number two, the computer doesn't do teeth.

You're going to have to eat twice as good pork, AJ. It's full of cholesterol.

Oh, come on.

Since when do you care about cholesterol?

You can have a sweet and sour shrimp too, AJ. The way I feel right now with

plain rice is all I can handle.

Maybe this will make you feel better.

It's a cashier's check made out to Simon and Simon Investigations for $50 ,000.

I know you.

You're, uh... Mr.

Agonistis from the East Coast. Hello again.

Uh, there's been some sort of wonderful mistake made here, see, because we don't

do the kind of work that you people pay $50 ,000 for. Well, Karnofsky seems dead

enough. And I heard they're doing a lot of looking to find enough to bury.

Ah, yeah, but we're not even sure that that...

was Karnovsky. We think that body belonged to a man named Joe Willard. No,

the government made sure for us.

I mean, if we can't count on them, why pay taxes?

You guys pay taxes?

Just a figure of speech.

The check is yours.

No, I really, I can't accept this. Look, I don't care who you thought Karnovsky

was, but you did the job and you're taking the money.

Now, if we put a price on somebody's head and we don't pay off, it'll erode

credit rating.

What did Karnovsky do?

He took an awful lot of money that he hadn't earned, and he told some people

things.

Don't suppose you could just sort of take this as a favor, you know, kind of

want on the house?

No.

Well, that's nice.

We're caught between the United States government and the mob.

And Artie Konofsky is the only ticket out.

Town, we gotta know more about Artie Konofsky. He does well as our best shot.

Are you crazy?

This is the first time he's been in here without handcuffs. Well, who knows more

about computers than he does? The federal agencies, they've all arrested

Seems to me this is a federal crime.

Oh, give me a break. You're a San Diego police officer using a San Diego police

computer to solve the murder of a San Diego resident. Who cares if some

electrical impulses zap back and forth across the state line?

Come on, baby.

The public wants to know.

You can't get access to the witness files without setting off little traps

alarms. It's like a minefield. We'll have to go in in disguise.

As what?

As a systems operator, the man that runs the computer system, his password

overrides the traps.

I knew that.

Secret is, the SysOp always has the most time charged against him.

There you are, you rascal. Gotcha.

What now?

It's up to you.

This password overrides the traps.

Okay.

Well, they supported Karnowski. Why don't you tap into the expense reports

the case?

That since Karnovsky was killed, new files on him are being created, even as

speak.

Yeah.

File dies in one office and is reborn in another, maybe a thousand miles away.

Adriana would like hearing this.

She likes this kind of stuff.

Does any of yours make any sense?

It's just dates, places, purchases.

It's going to take a while to go through it all.

I moved around a lot, though.

They rented cars in Ohio, Florida,

Montana.

I got a bill here for 700 bucks worth of candy

for a two -month period.

I got one for a stenographer for his pretrial statement.

Why, Karnofsky must have been the DA's entire case.

What would you do if Mr. Agonistes were out looking for you?

Well, I'd do exactly what he did. I'd become very close personal friends with

the Justice Department.

Yeah, except that Karnovsky is a high roller with exotic tastes, and the

Department kept him on a short leash.

So he died.

He killed Willard.

This guy killed my roommate.

Well, let's not get sentimental about it. You never even met the guy.

Yeah, but I wanted that pleasure for myself.

Hello.

Lay down.

No kidding.

Okay, thank you.

Minoski's sister is in town.

She came for Artie's funeral.

Come in.

Real sorry to hear about Artie, Miss Konowski.

Family is so important. Yeah, yeah.

At the funeral, you said there was a little business matter, too?

Yeah.

Maybe this isn't the time, you know, with...

Artie's so fresh in the grave and all. There was nothing left of him. It's a

figure of speech.

If you could give me a minute to pull myself together. Yeah, sure. You go

ahead.

You know who's here?

Two of Agonisti's boys, just like you said.

How long will you need?

Ten minutes?

Happy to.

Life has to go on. Yeah, yeah, it does.

Right now, we got a little problem of our own that maybe could help take your

mind off your own grief, you know what I mean?

What's that?

We have this little casino.

You know, 60 tables, craps, roulette, blackjack, the works. It's right there

the beach in Rio.

Yeah, to take was around 75 ,000 crucieros an hour.

We got a local man set up as the owner of the record, you know, the usual.

So? Well, so, uh, we had this little problem.

You know, we can never go back to Brazil, ever.

And? And we need somebody who knows how to run a casino. You know, somebody who

can keep the help in line.

If only Artie were alive.

Yeah.

This is just the sort of thing he did best. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, look.

I'll pass this on to my brother Frankie.

Well, let's hope the late Artie is as greedy as we think he is. Oh, he'll get

touch. Gets him out of the country to a glamorous casino doing what he knows how

to do best.

Chief's party.

There he is.

That must be Agonese's guy.

Get out!

One of my men saw the Simon brothers at the Karnovsky Hotel.

They said the guy they killed wasn't Artie.

They must be still looking for him.

Cancel my plane.

Up your chair.

Washington just came up with an old dental record from a reform school where

Konofsky did time as a kid.

So what? The teeth don't match.

Karnovsky is definitely still alive.

I want a watch on all the families. The Donatellos, the Costas, the Agonistes,

and the Simons.

Especially the Simons.

Mom?

Yeah, I was just going to make sure you'd left.

Okay.

Have a safe trip, all right?

Bye -bye.

She leaving?

Taxi pulled up while I was talking to her.

Ready? Yep.

He's real cranky.

Look, I heard that Rick's bromance started World War III.

Yeah, why do you think we called you? For protection.

You got it. Problem is, there's not a whole lot I can do. This case belongs to

the feds, and they think you're the link to Arnie Karnowski.

So he shows up. Wait a minute. They believe us? They think he's alive?

In no years.

If you want to, you guys can hide out at my place.

No, thank you, town.

It's one of the first places Karnowskis would look, if they ask around.

Well, hope you find a safer place till this thing blows over already have

I can see why this kind of therapy appealed to you.

I'd like to thank our dance therapists, Ann and Pat, and welcome you to what I

hope will be the most intense experience of your emotional lives.

That's right.

We'll be locked in together for 48 hours. You won't sleep.

You'll hardly eat, and you'll never stop talking about who else?

Yourself.

I thought you said this was a quiet place to study the Karnovsky file.

The other kids just couldn't appreciate Clark Kent.

Okay, okay. So Superman could squeeze a piece of coal into a diamond or

something. But it was Clark who would type up the story at five, maybe even 6

,000 words per minute. We all know we each move at our own pace.

Now let's hear from Rick.

Since he was open enough to bring his brother, I'm sure we'd like to hear

their relationship.

What Rick loves about his brother, what Rick hates about his brother.

Rick?

Oh, maybe later, all right?

Well, the group feels it's time to share, Rick.

The group wants to know about those papers.

Actually,

we're working on something rather important right now, and it's not

that we can share with anyone just at the moment.

Gators. We're working on a case right now. That's why we're here. It's this

uh, Hardy Karnofsky. Everybody thought he'd been blown out of the sky.

So, anyway, until we find this Karnofsky guy, I, uh, I can't be with Adriana.

And people will still be trying to kill us.

Yeah.

I am a sensitive person, and I... And I just want to say that I feel your

pain, Rick.

And, uh, Well, A .J., I think that I speak for everyone when I say that your

love for Adriana is just beautiful.

Oh, no. Well,

I was wondering, I mean, as long as you brought the files on this Artie

Karnofsky with you, I mean, why can't we just all pitch in and help you and your

brother? That's a very productive idea, Estelle.

Well, let's get at it.

Who's got page 87 in the printout?

Okay.

All his relatives live in New Jersey.

And his friends... Oh.

Form says none.

Look at this.

We got another whole page of bills for candy sent out from New York.

Our tax dollars at work.

See that?

They're all... Pierre Chocolates. Who on earth is getting Pierre Chocolates now?

Oh, there's only one place to get Pierre Chocolates in San Diego.

La Bouche Chocolates on Encinitas Avenue.

Well, I should know. I'm in Chocoholics Anonymous.

Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you very much for your help.

I thought we were supposed to be locked in. We were, but having the key helps my

claustrophobia.

Thanks.

Sooner or later, his sweet tooth is going to drive him crazy.

Good old sis.

Party's connection.

That's right, Artie. It's time for a ride.

We're sorry, but we really can't let you do that, sir.

We got company.

Listen, you got our address in case you need us to testify, right? Right.

All right.

Mr.

Agonistes, I hope you're not the sort of person who holds a grudge.

We invented it.

That was a joke.

I just came for the money.

You have the money.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we've got the money, don't we, AJ? Absolutely, yes. You bet.

Right here.

Funny man.

Adriana.

Sweetie Bear is finally home.

I was just contemplating Joe.

And time and fate.

Joe and I had a beautiful friendship, Rick.

And you and I had a beautiful relationship.

Had? But... But?

Now I feel that it, our moment in time, is over.

That moment was Tuesday.

Fate put us together, and now fate wants us apart.

You can't argue with fate, Rick.

It's not the same without Joe, is it?

No, I guess not.

I need some time alone.

I needed some time alone.

Here, alone.

I'm sorry, Rick.

You remember that receptionist we met on the green case?

You still got her phone number around here?

I don't think she's even 21 yet.

I wasn't going to take her voting.

Welcome back, Rick.