All language subtitles for Simon & Simon s05e04 Enchilada Express

This has been the most romantic trip of
my life.

The music, moonlight, dancing.

Coco Nono. Yeah,

it's hard to believe that we'll be
leaving tomorrow.

Well, we still have tonight.

I think we better get used to sleeping
alone.

After all, we've only been divorced a
few hours.

When will I see you again?

Are you free for breakfast?

What is this?

What's going on here?

Hurry up. Put on your pants.

Lieutenant, look what we've got here.

Senor Mitchell.

In Costa Verde, we have very severe
penalties for those who choose to

our drug laws.

What?

This is crazy.

I never... Hey, I'm an American citizen.
I know my rights. I want to see the

American consul. It's been a big
mistake.

No, no pizzas. You have the wrong
number.

I thought you straightened it out with a
phone call. I did. We haven't had a

single phone call for a massage all
morning.

No charge, no charge.

See, look, this stuff, we found it here.

The people who have the laundry are not
here anymore. And we just found this

stuff when we came in. No, we do not
do...

Laundry. No, we do not do pizza. No.

Sorry. Wrong number.

Today.

We don't do laundry. Wait a minute. Hey.

Hello.

Hello. I want to order a pizza. Do you
deliver?

Hello. Hello.

Yes. Be glad to. Large with extra
cheese.

Extra cheese?

And mushroom.

Mushroom?

Sausage, got it.

All right, we'll have it there in 20
minutes.

Fine, dirty laundry, we don't need... I
told you we do not do laundry here!

My husband has disappeared.

You've got to help me find him. All
right, all right, just calm down now.

long has your husband been missing?

Ever since the divorce.

For five years, we fought over every...

he left his shaving cream in the
bathroom sink.

But I wasn't exactly perfect myself, of
course. I never could cook.

I like, uh, I had trouble boiling water,
you know what I mean?

But when Odell told me that my rigatoni
was al dente, I threw it at him.

And I always used to wish he'd get lost.

Oh, yes!

But you divorced him, Mrs. Mitchell.
Isn't that what you just said?

Yes!

Odell and I had the most wonderful
divorce.

Here,

look.

Costa, Verde, holiday divorce.

Great son, great sir, great divorce. All
for one great price.

Yeah. We hadn't had a vacation in years,
so...

We wanted the divorce to be something
special.

And it was.

Here's Odell and me at the singles ball,
right after the ceremony.

I was a date.

Isn't that sweet?

We won the limbo contest.

And Odell doesn't even like to dance.

Would you excuse us a moment?

Woman's nuts, AJ.

Oh, you just distraught that doll. Look,
this guy's probably just holed up

somewhere with a senorita until his
pesos and his tequila runs out. You're

projecting, Rick.

Let's just pass on this one, okay?

I am not going back to Costa Verde
again.

Back? What do you mean, back?

Well, to tell you the truth, there's
still an outstanding warrant for my

down here from the last time.

What?

You never told me that. You were too
young.

What happened?

You're still too young. Look, it's just
like Frank Sinatra in Australia or Bobby

Knight down in Puerto Rico. I'm persona
non grata.

Wonderful.

Our last picture together.

Is this the last time you saw him?

Uh -huh.

We were going to meet the next morning
and have breakfast together.

I think we were beginning to fall in
love again.

But he never showed up.

Well, I personally would like to know
more about this divorce junket racket.

Wouldn't you?

I mean, who in the world would ever
dream up anything like this?

I am sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but
the Department of Agriculture prohibits

importing exotic plants and vegetables
into the state of California. Please,

senor, your leg. Thank you very much.
Thank you. I'm sorry about that. Thank

you. Enjoy your trip. Thank you. Have a
nice trip.

I'm sorry, folks.

Did you enjoy your trip?

Oh, that's a beautiful name, sir.

Oh, it's in your hair. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

This is the

Costa Verde Holiday Divorce Group. All
right, everybody. It's almost time to

leave for your Costa Verde Holiday
Divorce.

I am really pleased to see so many
unhappy couples here today.

Oh, is this your first divorce,
sweetheart?

Oh, aren't they darling?

Let's give them a big hand, folks, for
the lovely couple. Yes, yes, indeed,

you are. Oh, by the way, I have some
announcements to make before we board.

Like I said, this is the Costa Verde
holiday divorce group.

Oh, yes, anyone who has a good, well
-adjusted marriage.

should check their tickets before we
board. Ha -ha, little joke, folks. Yes,

yes, yes. Oh, ladies, I have arranged
for an internationally renowned jewel

expert, myself, to appraise all wedding
rings during the flight. So if some of

you need extra cash while in lovely
Costa Verde, I am prepared to trade hard

cash for worn -out sentiment.

I know a reptile when I see one. This
guy's a definite belly crawler. Now,

before we take off...

and you relax with one of our
complimentary margaritas, please step

sure to read our standard accidental
death and dismemberment policy. It's

available at a special rate this month
in the unlikely event of any unscheduled

stops. Be sure to stay together and...
Pardon, senor. Oh, sorry. We're not good

to go.

We're in the green seats close to the
tail section. Step right in. Step right

in. Relax.

I would hate to see you folks fighting
over the last few bottles of safe water

before you go home.

Yes, before you get it. You don't want
to do that. Jerry.

Oh, good heavens. These drivers in Costa
Verde.

This is our rental car?

Yeah.

I thought you called ahead for a
reservation.

I did.

I called the 800 number. I asked them
for the best they had.

All right.

Let's move in.

Marco, move along.

Enjoy your divorce.

Love you all.

You're beautiful.

He didn't seem to have any trouble
finding a car.

A couple of minor problems.

The accelerator kind of sticks, and
sometimes the engine doesn't quite work.

think it needs a little bit of a tune
-up, but I can fix that on my own. Get

some tools.

Okay, this way, this way.

Hello?

Okay, everybody.

Box lunches are by the pool.

bikini contest at two.

Divorces start promptly at five.

I can't say I'm really thrilled to be
back.

I'm thrilled to be here. Remember, don't
be late or you'll keep your mate.

So be there.

Aloha.

Excuse me.

You know, I'm betting that one of Raul's
sidelines, matching the occasional

volunteer to work on the local banana
plantation.

This guy is unbelievable.

He's got an angle on everything.

I wonder if Carmen still works out
there.

Hey.

It's full of soap.

It's a little...

Let's hope you get to the hotel.

I think so.

the money I wasted training you guys.
This is how you repay me, huh?

Pardon my precaution.

Oh, um, Raul Gutierrez, counselor at
law.

At your service.

That's the, uh, Flatbush area of Costa
Verde, if I'm not mistaken.

Hey, everybody's got a right to start a
new life.

What have you done with Odell Mitchell?

Connie Mitchell hire you?

Uh -huh.

Look, I'll help you out any way I can.

I mean that. I mean, I know how worried
she is.

That's awfully deep, Navier, especially
considering that some people might think

you had something to do with it.

Wait a second. I'm a businessman.

I'm not a kidnapper.

I hate violence.

Look, I have only... Wait a second, wait
a second. I've owned this gun for ten

years. I never fired it.

It's not even loaded.

Now, believe me, guys, this is bad for
business.

And my life.

See?

Now, fellas, look. I make my living
making people happy.

Really, I send my customers home happier
than I found them.

Sometimes I even send a couple home on
the mend.

Which is how Connie and Odell Mitchell
should have been.

Have you been to the police?

Well, unfortunately, there's a bit of
bad blood between me and the current

Presidente. But I've been asking every
other lowlife I know in Costa Verde.

Look, guys, if there's anything I can do
to help, just name it, huh?

We will.

Now, let me handle these guys. You don't
know them, like I... You're a wanted

man.

So where is the last place they'll
expect to see me?

A .J., people go in these doors and they
never come out again.

I'm not letting you go in there alone.

Be okay. Trust me.

Good morning, gentlemen.

How may we be of service?

Yeah, we're private investigators from
San Diego, and we're looking for an

American named Odell Mitchell.

No one like that in custody. His wife
filed the missing person report on him,

but we haven't heard anything. Let me
run it down to our computer.

Thank you.

Okay, Rick.

Problem with Sergeant Buendia?

You're still too young.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm sorry, senor. There's no
unidentified Americans at the hospital

morgue. Okay, well, we're going to get
him back to the hotel. Yeah, I've got to

do that. We'll keep looking. Thank you.

Consulate Dearborn will see you now.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Please forgive the delay in making this
appointment.

Oh, please, be seated.

It in no way shows a lack of concern
about this, uh... Very serious matter.

We're not exactly Versailles.

We have a very small operation here.

You've heard of the deficit?

Budget cutbacks. Well, we were at the
top of the list.

Mr. Dearborn, as I said in our telephone
conversation, the Custer Verde police

have been friendly enough, but they
frankly don't seem very concerned about

Mitchell's disappearance.

Oh, why should they be? He's an
American.

Even with all those petrodollars, buying
fancy offices and machinery, Some

things don't change.

The manana syndrome.

Uh, to be perfectly candid, the American
consulate is the last stop on our list.

We've checked all the logical places.
We've been to the jails, hospitals,

morgue. We've been to every hotel, bar,
and tourist chat in the place.

Where do you suggest we go from here?

Well, gentlemen, without diplomatic
status, there's really not much more you

do down here. But please, don't worry.

I'm going to make this a top priority
matter.

After all, in this crazy world of ours,
if we Americans can't take care of each

other, who will?

I told you not to park on this side of
the street. You never listen

to me.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

What are they saying? I don't know.
Something about kicking butt and

Oh, wonderful.

Look,

Rick, I don't care what you've done. I
think now is a good time to check.

Right.

Mitchell! Who?

So

anyway,

they left us out there chewing on their
bullets. Five mile walk back to town.

Don't worry, it's just the first round.

How did you get all those missing
persons reports?

Oh, well, there was another attempted
coup yesterday, and I will manage to

liberate these during the festivities.

Not that it's doing us any good, though.

All right, Rick.

Yeah.

Macondo. Hey, pardon?

M -A -C -O -N -D -O.

Okay, give me a hint. Am I looking under
parts of the body, going shopping, or

tourist diseases?

I thought you said you were fluent in
Spanish.

I am fluent in Spanish. It's a weird
dialect. It's more like Portuguese.

Not that word.

Okay.

Now, look.

There's got to be some kind of a pattern
here. I mean, there are hundreds of

recently divorced men. That's too many
to make sense just by itself.

What else do we know about Odell?

After we argued, he always brought me
fresh flowers.

And he gave wonderful back rubs.

had fresh flowers in the house.

Nails it down for me.

Right.

Okay, Odell was self -employed. I saw a
lot of the other people. That narrows it

down to about 50 of them. Okay?

Okay. And that means that nobody would
miss them from work.

Now, add to that no children, no
immediate next of kin. We've narrowed

down to about 20 now.

Mm -hmm.

In each case, their hotels filed
reports...

looking for payment on a Golden West
bank card.

All that's just like Odell.

What happened to them?

Well, they all came back safe and sound
after about six to eight weeks.

Look at this.

Subject remembers nothing.

Subject claims amnesia.

Subject saw and heard nothing.

Sounds like a lot of people don't want
to talk.

Why? There's only one way to find out.

Here's a guy who lives about a mile from
here, Jim Crenshaw.

Hi. Howdy.

We're here.

How you doing?

I'm Donald. Let's hear it for you.

We just moved in up the block. Thought
the tough life would be friendly. Oh,

boy. Good day for barbecue.

I'm Big Jim, and this must be Sally.

Hey, darling.

Boy, you know, you're all real popular,
man. Yeah.

Everybody calls you the newlyweds.

Yeah. There you go, darling.

Hey!

You don't have to cook them if you don't
want. They make great pets. Yeah, watch

out for that one. He does bite. Yeah, he
sure does.

Here we go.

I tell you, Jimbo, you treat your women
like you treat your car, you'd both be

happy. You know what I mean?

Sure. I didn't win through a nightmare
of a divorce down in Costa Verde.

Whoa!

Slam her right back on there. Costa
Verde? Yeah.

Ever been there?

You cut?

Yeah, for both of us.

And you're a writer?

Uh -huh.

I guess that means you're home
afternoon?

What happened to you two, huh?

Just last year.

How'd you get out?

How do you think?

Dearborn, the American consul? American
consul. Look, I'm keeping my mouth shut,

just like Mr.

Dearborn said.

You're the first person I've told,
except Sally.

I ain't even told you.

Yeah? No.

For the past five days, Councilman
Hopkins has refused to grant an

even leave his expensive suburban home.

At the time of his arrest, the
councilman admitted to police that he

However, he could not explain his
nudity.

Come on, guys.

What is this?

It's only tape, Temple. You can start
again.

Besides, we're here to offer you an end
to all your rubber chicken lunches with

the Chamber of Commerce. Promise of
adventure.

Salvation from supermarket
groundbreaking ceremony. Story of a

Network's waiting.

It's all yours.

Interested?

Possibly. There is one little problem.

You have to get divorced.

Divorced? Don't you have to get married
first? Not necessarily.

Who is it that I'm supposed to be
getting divorced from?

Is this a gag?

I don't ask just anyone for a divorce.

I'm flattered, really.

Then you'll do it.

On something like this, I have to
consult with the feds first. We're

international conspiracy here, Brown, at
the highest levels of both governments.

We don't know who to trust.

That includes you, Nixon, especially
you.

Not next time.

Whatever.

How did you get your hands on something
like this?

Reveal confidential sources.

You know me better than that.

Well, first of all, I'm going to have to
draw up a profile, see how we both fit

the bill.

One gold card.

$50 ,000 line of credit, thanks to the
TV station.

Your new name, Kenneth Weston, financial
consultant, no living relatives.

With any luck, you should end up right
with Odell Mitchell.

Oh, goody.

Did you do all this by yourself?

Don't underestimate me, Brad.

Right. It could be dangerous.

Hey, Mitchell, the American consul's
here.

Are they thanks?

With luck, you might have a trial within
a year. A year?

Now, more troublesome, and I'm sure
you're aware, are the severe penalties

drug possession if convicted.

In this case, probably 10 or 15 years at
hard labor, building roads in the

mountains. But I didn't do anything.

No, you don't.

There is another way.

With $20 ,000.

I might be able to convince the local
authority that, well, a mistake has been

made. What?

I don't... I don't have that kind of
money with me, of course.

What about a credit card?

Well, I've got a Golden West bank card,
but the police took my wallet.

Well, that shouldn't be a problem.

This way, ladies and gentlemen. Look.

Oh, wonderful.

Please, come, come, come, come here.

There we are. Yes, of course. Come,
señor, señor, please.

Follow us down.

This way.

Oh, of course. That's perfectly all
right. No, no, no, no.

That's right, that's right. Let's keep
driving around here. Now we're getting

together. That's right. Beautiful,
beautiful, beautiful. Oh, and ladies and

gentlemen, before you get to enjoy the
limousine service of our luxurious ride

to Costa Verde, I want to say on behalf
of the holiday visitors... Nice.

Señores y señores, welcome to Costa
Verde, land of romance.

Bus passes, by the way, will be extra.
Yes, but before I go any further, I want

to introduce you to your two holiday
hosts for this trip, Rick and Andy.

knowing you two were behind this.

Anyone else on the trip a likely victim?

No, we screened all the other couples
with Raul. You're the only one who fits

the profile.

Lucky me.

No guarantee he's going to go for bait.

Just relax.

If nothing happens, consider a victim.

really don't recognize us.

And how do you wish to pay for this,
sir?

My Golden West card.

Yes,

Mr. and Mrs. Weston, rooms 303 and 305.

I hope your stay is pleasant.

And, uh, have a wonderful divorce.

Thank you. Yeah.

to Kenneth West, our next contributor.

Fine, but he's the last one.

My comandante's been asking too many
questions since those Americans were

here looking for Mitchell.

We close up shop temporarily as of
tonight.

While we're at it, we had better shut
down Raul.

That divorce mill's the only connection
they have to us.

Where is the judge? We're going to have
a riot on our hands.

Relax. It's occasionally detained by
important matters of state.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about a big
round of applause for your judge, Ron

Viejo.

Gracias, gracias.

Un gran dia para los divorcios.

Relax, everybody. There's plenty of time
before the rum and fun dating game

tonight. Relax.

And now for our first holiday divorce,
Mr.

and Mrs.

Kenneth Weston. Come on down.

Okay,

okay, calm down, everyone. You'll all
have your chance. And now, Mr. and Mrs.

Kenneth Weston, your time is up.

It's a shame.

You make her a friend at the bar?

Nah, you can bet that he's not the
social editor for the Costa Verde

By the power invested in me?

Quedan divorciados para poder ser
felices. Y amar otra vez.

I pronounce you free to love again.

You know, was that animal?

Maybe you can do it again.

Count three.

Two uniforms, one from this afternoon.

Yeah. Come on, town. You've been in that
rum and fun dating party for hours.

Probably doesn't want to make a move too
soon.

Thought it was going to look as natural
as possible.

Natural? If he does anything beyond the
call of duty, he's going to catch hell.

No, no, I'd love to see it, but I've got
to go. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the traffic brings it out. I'm
highly contagious right now. Thank you.

Well, here we go.

Okay, everybody outside.

Come on. You three, stop right there.

Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it.

You're under. arrest. The charge is
conducting 373 illegal divorces.

Well, unhappy maybe, but illegal?

Señor Weston, I'll tell you the
embarrassment.

Take him down the back stairs.

As you well know, this man is not a
judge.

Un momento.

Really, really, officer, there really
must be some mistake.

Look. Those fine people, they will vouch
for me.

Won't you?

No.

Oh, you're all under arrest.

I'm Odell Mitchell, American, Santa
Barbara.

My name is Brown.

Lieutenant, San Diego Police. I've been
looking for you.

Thank God.

I was set up, you know. Yeah, I just
played out that same scenario.

By the way, they think my name is
Kenneth Weston.

Can you get us out of here?

Well, that's hard to tell.

It's just possible when I found you, I
got lost myself.

Then we'll just have to depend on
Dearborn. He's the American consul.

He's been working on this for weeks.

Mr. Mitchell, I think it's time I tell
you the facts of life about your friend,

the American consul.

Mi capitan, I just operate a simple
tourist business.

I'm a sergeant, and you're running a
divorce mill and impersonating officers

the court.

Oh, no, no, no, no, mi coronel. Look,
look, look, look. The judge and I are

members of the bar, and in good
standing, I might add. But not in this

Because of you, over 700 people are
still married who think they are

Mi general, is that so bad?

I mean, divorce is...

It's for the hard -hearted.

What are you two doing back here? We're
still looking for wherever it is you've

got Odell Mitchell stashed. What?

Look, pal, we also know you've got
Weston. He's a friend of ours. Who? The

American your other officers arrested in
the hotel room last night.

He's not here. We know he's not here.
Where is he? If he's not here, it's

because you've transferred him to one of
your other facilities.

Which one?

The last person to transfer was
yesterday.

To five different facilities. The next
one won't be for a week.

Sorry, I'm afraid you'll need an
appointment.

I can't let you go in there.

All right, the scam's over. Your last
victim's an American police lieutenant.

Can I help you?

Yeah, where is he?

Where's who?

Dearborn, the American consul.

I'm Dearborn.

Okay, the other American consul. There
is no other American consul. Yeah, there

is. We had a meeting with him in his
office, and right now he's got a friend

ours locked up somewhere.

There must be some mistake.

That's me with the president at a State
Department dinner.

Second row from the back.

The guy with the hat.

Are you sure you're in the right office?

Yeah, we're in the right office. We sat
right here and he busted up chairs. We

talked about deficits and budget
cutbacks.

And Odell Mitchell.

A missing American.

When was this?

Thursday noon.

I was at a lunch with the Minister of
Tourism.

The meeting took most of the afternoon.

How well do you know your secretary?

Hi, it's me.

Those two guys, those two investigators
looking for Mitchell, they were back.

They saw the real consul.

No, that's not all.

That guy you grabbed last night is a
lieutenant in the San Diego police.

Believe me, things would go much easier
if you cooperate.

I'll cooperate when I talk to the
American Council.

You have the right to tell me what I
want to know or you have the right to

suffer pain.

Maybe I'll talk. Let me think about it.

Maybe you'll explain why a San Diego
police lieutenant has identification

calling himself a financial consultant.

Yes.

We know.

I'm not telling you anything.

Go. See if you can persuade the
lieutenant to be more cooperative.

Have no fear. Raul is here.

Two revolvers. That's all.

All right.

What is this, a joke?

What? These things are rusted clear
through.

Did you get these at the bottom of a
well? Rusted? What are you talking

They're new.

Well, almost.

It's just that the salt there rots
everything down here.

It's amazing how fast a girl can get
packed when she has to.

All right, Raul.

Get out. You go to the police.

Bring Tim to that room. We know where
you're heading out.

He's our man.

Want to bet any words with the bank?

We can catch up with her later.

Looks like the council's got one more
going on this afternoon.

Too bad. You'll just have to die a hero.

Been over 30 miles. Where's he taking
us? Tierra del Fuego?

Don't just stand there.

Get the keys. We're getting the hell out
of here.

In here.

With this uniform, I may make it to the
front gate.

Not a chance.

It's too late to back out now.

You hide here as best you can.

I'll bring back help.

Okay, Temple, you're on.

So it looks like our latest guest won't
be going home after all. I want to talk

to the American police.

We must find out what he knows, and who
else knows it.

Then you can do whatever you want with
him.

Never know when the right man's gonna
come along. Can you help me? It's...

You don't speak English? My car. Auto.

I don't know what's wrong.

You go get help.

Bring back as many people as you
possibly can.

Winston and Mitchell are gone.

Go get everyone out here. They can't be
hard to find.

What are you two doing here?

Came to save you.

Wonderful. Now who's going to save you?
You.

Where's Mitchell?

Tell you what, you make it for the go.
Ready?

One, two, go!

O'Dell Mitchell.

Meet A .J. and Rick Simon. How you
doing, O'Dell? Nice to meet you, O'Dell.

They're here to save us.

How long can you hold them off?

I've got one in the chamber.

I've got three left.

Not long.

Look, the next time you guys suggest a
vacation, why don't you pick somewhere

safe like Lebanon?

He said some ammo.

Ammo? There's a tent full of ammunition
behind the shed where they kept us.

Okay, you guys cover me. I'll go get it.
No, I'll go. No, no, no. I'll just pop

over there. Get it. Rick, damn it.

All right.

Feet apart.

Hands up.

Beautiful ceremony I ever heard.

I know.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you know, you really didn't have to
get married again.

But, uh, I'm not really a minister.

I promise, honey. Hey, you know, I just
want you to know, I thought you made a

lovely couple. Tails!

Okay, you get to tell our barbecue
buddies not really divorced.

All right, you get to tell 372 other
lucky couples.

Think we'll ever get to use these again?

I don't know. It depends on how hard you
try.

Oh, by the way, in all the excitement,
you probably didn't get a chance to

about this, but I also have honeymoon
packages.

Heart -shaped tubs, waterbeds, the
works.

All right, well, I would like to propose
a toast.