Original subtitles

What do you see?

Two heavily armed naked guys.

Tonight on Simon and Simon.

Before you go through that door, you have to get absolutely nude.

Sometimes you just have to take a little push to get into the swing of things.

Landry? Let's get this over with.

I'm not going to leave a half a million dollars out here without getting what

I'm paying for.

I want that documentation.

Hell, is this land remission impossible?

Maybe you're not so stupid.

If I could get my hands on you right now, I'd strangle you to death.

I've made a duplicate computer file of everything, so there isn't anything on

paper. It's on the main system at the shop.

It's safe enough.

Security has the only record of my password.

Just leave the money here.

You're getting away with this for now, Landry, but not forever.

I'll find you.

In Brazil, in the South Pole, I'll find you.

And I'll finish you.

You count on it.

Why can't we ever have an away game?

Oh, you think I like having a bunch of savages coming in here redecorating the

place with automatic weapons?

Look at the bright side, AJ.

The hand grenade didn't go off.

You know, actually, I mean, aside from the pyrotechnics at the end of it, it

a rather interesting case.

I have heard of group marriages before. I do believe this is the first group

divorce we've ever encountered.

Hell fogs.

Like to do everything together.

What do you think?

Absolutely wonderful. Is that how you spell investigations?

Great.

I'm sure that's going to inspire lots of confidence in all our future clients.

Don't worry about it. It's only going to be up for a few days.

Last I'll be back from Ramon's next week.

Ramon?

No, hey, hey, hey, hey. He's the guy that makes the little glass.

sculptures out of old cough medicine bottles?

Ramon is an artist of international renown.

Yeah, it means he's wanted in two countries. Three.

Hey, hey.

Hi, I'm looking for Simon and Simon Investigation.

You found it.

Come on in.

We're in here somewhere.

Watch out for the glass. Hi, I'm Rick. How do you do? My brother, AJ.

How do you do? Hello. Come on in.

Don't worry about all this. We're just doing a little redecorating. Well,

angrily, it seems.

Hey, if you guys are busy, I'll... No, no, no, no, no, no. We just had a little

bit of a, you know, a misunderstanding in here last night, but it's all under

control now.

Well, I guess I did come to the right place, then.

Beg your pardon?

Well, you're here, and they're not.

Look, I don't know if he's missing or not, but I'll tell you something.

This isn't like Ralph. I'm really worried.

Didn't you just say that the guy was going through some sort of midlife

Yeah, but he wouldn't get this far off the track. Ralph was a senior designer

Wellens Engineering.

We're developers. We build offices, condos, malls. We're everywhere.

Ralph has been with the company for ten years.

He was the first one there to really take me seriously.

The only one who didn't think I should be the engineer in charge of keeping the

coffee warm.

He really guided me. He gave me a lot of responsibility.

So how long have you guys been going together?

See, this is exactly what you would expect.

Girl gets guy, girl gets a head, right?

Well, it's not that way at all. Ralph was my best friend, period.

Sorry, I was just trying to make some connections.

And I was knee -jerking. I apologize.

Professional women are still a little ticklish in some areas.

Oh, yeah?

Which ones?

Getting back to Ralph, when did you say he was due back in town?

Yesterday. I called the hotel, and they said they'd take a message. Would not

confirm anything about him.

Said it was policy.

Now, just what hotel was this?

Sand Pebbles.

The place where all the rich weirdos go to get naked.

Rick, they are called physical culturists.

It's a nudist colony.

Look, it's been a tough year for Ralph, the winter of his discontent.

A few months ago, he traded his den at Old's Inn for a black Onyx Porsche,

started wearing cowboy boots.

Well, so the guy's hormones are kicking in.

Now, he's staring down the barrel at 40. He's trying to comb all of his hair

down toward the front, which I can understand. The only thing that gets me

why a competent by -the -book engineer gets canned after missing one day's

That's why I think he must be in trouble.

The personnel office said he was fired Friday before he even left for the

resort. And there's no trace of him.

His office has been cleared out, but why should his apartment be empty?

And if he's still up at the resort, who cleaned out all his furniture?

I guess we'll just have to go ask Ralph.

A .J., it's a nudist colony. We can't just go parading in there.

A parade was not exactly what I had in mind.

Yes, yes, Lord Pabersham, we do have rock salt baths. And this season we're

adding Maltese mud treatments.

Oh, super.

Absolutely super, yes. I was wondering when California physical culture was

going to enter the 20th century.

Now, I'll be needing two rooms, of course, because I'll be bringing my

And will you require nudity of him as well?

I see.

I see.

Yes, well, that's quite all right.

No, no, no problem.

Ronnie is a trifle self -conscious about his tattoo.

A rather brutish one he picked up in Bombay, a small cobra on an unusual area

his anatomy.

I see.

No, no problem at all. Like a jaybird.

Now, about the fee.

You don't happen to have $10 ,000 lying around your boat, do you? It's a private

membership. $10 ,000 to join. Five a year dues.

Towels are extra.

Hi, Mom.

Oh.

Uh, yes.

Miss Klosterman, uh, could I get back to you, please? Um, I've got...

Zurich on the other line, yes.

Thank you.

Hi, Mom.

I'm returning your deep -sea reel and rod.

Oh, good. Did you catch anything?

Security's analyst from Newport Beach, but I had to throw him back.

What are you two up to now, or do I want to know?

Well, we're looking for a missing person who was last seen at the sand pebbles.

The problem is that we can't afford to go look for him.

Oh, that explains the nudity.

Do you know Buddy and Edie Krellman were members up there?

No, no, Mom. They drove a Plymouth station wagon.

That was before the divorce.

I wonder if Edie got the membership in the settlement.

No, no, their idea of really cutting loose was a little homemade muscadine in

the Ed Sullivan show.

I could always ask.

Maybe she can get you in. You know, a guest of a member.

Oh, thank you, Mom, but we're in a little bit of a hurry here. In fact,

Rick, I think it's time to break out the burned cork.

What do you see?

Two heavily armed naked guys.

Heidi wasn't kidding when she talked about security, was she?

Oh, great.

They got a dog.

He's naked, too.

Nothing to do but wait till dark, hit the office files, and find Ralph's

AJ, you know I'm no quitter, right?

I mean, I was right there on the Harmon case, right there to the end, even when

the garbage started flying.

And did you hear a peep out of me in the leather bar? No.

Not even when they brought the snake in.

Guys just gotta have limits.

You just can't handle the nudity, can you? I didn't say that. I can handle it.

Probably. It's all right, Rick. You can admit it.

You think nudity is dirty, don't you? No, I don't. Not if it's done right.

It's just nudity is something that ought to be done in private. You know,

between two people. The privacy of their own home.

Or magazines.

Rick? Yeah? If you weren't my brother, I'd be afraid to be sitting here alone

the bushes with you.

If there's any trouble, just give me the cat. Right.

That was a great

movie. I don't know why we haven't had that up here before.

A little too much nudity for my taste.

Say, listen, we should see if anybody's still in the office.

You know they didn't tell us what time the hike is tomorrow. Yeah.

Was that a cat?

Who cares?

Kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty. Come here.

Come here.

Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on, honey. It's

cold. We'll ask about that hike sometime in the morning.

in cabin number two.

What's the matter with you? You look like you've seen a ghost.

Two of them.

I'd say Ralph is going through more than a midlife crisis.

Maltese mud treatments. Does wonders for the complexion. Over at the health

club. Gotta try it. No wait.

So who was the girl? Maybe she and Ralph were, you know... No, no, no, no, no.

This girl was spending her nights with Tolstoy.

If Ralph is there at all, he's moved to another room.

Or been moved. I get the feeling that whoever erased him down here did the

thing up there.

Well, can't you just confront the hotel management, ask them what's going on?

No, because if they know what's going on, the chances are they had something

do with it.

No, I'm afraid the only thing we can do is go in undercover, so to speak.

I don't have $10 ,000.

Not to worry.

I've got somebody working on another way in.

First of all, we're going to go over to Welland Engineering and talk to the man

who fired him.

Good luck.

Al Wellands is a tough nut to crack.

At least he'll be wearing clothes.

Seven miles, Doug.

Don't... Don't touch that, please.

You don't realize it, but this is the 21st century.

You're looking at a whole new way of life.

You're going to eat here.

You're going to shop here.

You're going to go to the movies here.

Gee, I can hardly wait.

Thanks, Doug.

I'll take care of this.

Yes, sir.

Okay. You're investigators.

You have three minutes.

Investigate.

Uh, fine.

Watchfire Ralph Landry.

That's between him and me. Company policy.

Well, see, it's a little hard for us to talk to him about it.

He's missing.

Who says?

That's between them and us.

Company policy.

Fine. I guess that covers it.

Covers it up.

There's no cover up here.

I'm trying to protect everyone concerned, both Ralph and the company.

Ralph was in charge of some important projects. I don't want the transition to

be disruptive.

Now, gentlemen... Disruptive? Gee, that'd be awful.

You know the man that showed you in here? He's my head of security.

Now, he can be as disruptive as they come.

Look, Mr. Wellens...

We're not trying to cause trouble. We just want to find Ralph Landry. Now,

you've got to admit it's a little peculiar.

I mean, you fire him one day and he disappears the next.

What's peculiar about it?

Maybe he took a trip.

Listen, I don't know anything about his disappearance.

But I can tell you why I fired him. He was distracted.

He was unproductive. And he was generally doing a lousy job. What was he

on at the time?

You want to know anything more about me and my company, read that.

Can we have another one of those?

No, that's all right. We'll share.

I read over his shoulder.

Let's go.

Don't break his machine.

You hear all that, Doug?

Yes, sir.

I don't have anything to worry about.

Landry's good as gone.

I'll get off the circuit now, sir.

Don't lose tabs on those two.

I don't think they're through with us.

Hi. May I help you?

Yes, please. I'd like to check in.

Do you have a reservation?

No, we're friends of Edie Krellman.

Edie Krellman.

Ah, yes.

All right. Would you fill this out, please?

Okay. A friend of ours, Ralph Landry, came up here on Friday. I think he said

was staying in cabin number two.

I'll take care of these gentlemen.

I'm Heidi Klosterman, camp manager.

Hi, Rick Simon.

How do you do? AJ Simon.

So you're friends with Mr. Laundrie?

That's right.

I thought you were friends with Mrs. Krellman.

Friends first, too.

And of buddies.

Too bad about the divorce.

Lots of our friends come up here.

So, uh, where's Ralph?

I'm afraid he had to leave sometime Saturday.

His office called.

Ah, great.

Al Wellens come up here, too?

I'm sorry, that name is not familiar to me.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear.

Before you go through that door there, you have to get absolutely nude.

I understand.

He understands, too.

Very well.

The changing rooms are that way.

Okay.

See you later.

Rick?

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Oh, I'm glad to see you're finally getting a little relaxed about all this.

I'm talking about the case, A .J. We came up here to do a job. Remember, you

just keep your eye on the ball. Don't worry, I will.

Good. I can smell some rotten wienerschnitzel around here.

Ryan Mayton's holding out on us.

She said Landry checked out of here on Saturday. We're here Wednesday. He's

still on the books.

She said he got a call from his office.

He was fired before he ever got up here.

This place did something.

This place could currently do it.

May I ask?

Well, I...

Oh,

what is this? Mr. Nude. volleyball in 1984.

Standard undercover procedure.

Socializing with the natives. Did you find anything in the bushes?

I wasn't in the bushes. I was in the employee's parking lot.

Guess who's driving a brand new black Onyx Porsche?

Who? Omar the Hun.

Did you get a look inside?

No. There was an alarm system.

Now maybe later on we can get our hands on a key.

Any leads from the volleyball net?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I happened to track down the couple who stayed in the

cabin next to Landry.

Grouse Landry.

Hmm.

We were supposed to meet him up here last night. Now we can't find him. There

was this one guy who had a tattoo of a kangaroo on his chest. You know what I

mean? Did your friend have an accent?

No. He's a real coarse guy.

I was thinking about registering a complaint with Hike. His name was Hank.

was making a passage.

He pinched you right on the tennis court.

Getting back. Ralph Landry. He had the cabin right next to yours. Now, you sure

you don't remember?

No, I'd remember.

I know all the men around here.

Well, almost all.

This seems strange to me that he virtually never left his room. Doesn't

seem strange to you?

Maybe he wasn't having a good time.

You having a good time?

Unexpectedly so.

Well, he might have been shy.

Sometimes you just have to take a little... push to get into the swing of

things. Yeah, he's probably not feeling very well, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I gotta tell you, you don't look too good yourself.

A little too much sun this morning, huh?

Yeah, AJ, you feeling okay?

I... I'm sure he'll turn up. We've taken up too much of your time.

No, no, no, I'm in no rush.

Let me think.

Maybe it was at the camp dance Saturday night.

Do you have dances here?

Of course.

We dance cheek to cheek.

That's a little nudist colony joke, you know what I mean?

When

we're

very, very old and you're writing your memoirs, leak me out of this chapter.

Are you kidding?

You're the best part.

Oh, we're getting real close to Landry. I can just feel it.

You're going through a second puberty. I'm sunburned in places where the sun

don't shine.

Well, maybe we'll have better luck at dinner. Oh.

I can face 300 naked people eating spaghetti.

I am so sorry, gentlemen.

Nobody told you that we always dress for dinner?

Sorry, this one's already taken.

What are you doing here? With your clothes on?

Heidi, I think it's time we had a serious talk.

Well, I assure you, I had nothing to do with Mr. Landry's disappearance.

I checked him in myself on Friday night, and I never saw him again after that.

Heidi, mein liebchen, the water's boiling.

Omar, not now.

Excuse me.

Okay, then why the big silence? Why not just tell people he split?

Listen, this whole thing could become very embarrassing to the hotel.

I'd be glad to pay you myself to find Mr. Landry.

But I can't afford to have the police prowling around.

We have a very discreet clientele here.

I'll help you with anything I can.

All right, well, let me ask you a few questions about Landry.

When you saw him, did he look well?

Yes.

Well, I only caught a glimpse on his face. He wore dark glasses.

But when he entered the camp, I noticed his body was in good condition.

He looked strong to me.

Sunglasses in the middle of the night?

Listen, I found a black Porsche in the parking lot this afternoon. Is that

Landry's? Yes, we put it there for its protection.

Well, well, well. What do we got here?

Got tire tracks.

Footprint.

AJ.

How long does it take for a body to get in that condition?

Cover it up, Fishkin. Out there in the open, not more than two days.

Mostly it's the animals.

The body was stripped naked, Mr. Kaufman, which would normally conclude

believe that whoever killed him took all his clothes.

Except they left his sandals.

Fishkin, these two tell me you're missing a man since last weekend.

So I figured he might be one of yours.

These woods are full of people.

Campers from the Cleveland National Forest.

It could be anyone.

Except we found this man in Cold Rock Canyon.

Right at the coordinates of his own map.

Seems pretty conclusive.

Why do you say he was killed?

No guesswork about that.

Gunshot wound through the head.

That's okay. We've already seen it.

I don't suppose you've had a rash of senseless murders around here? Anything

convenient like that?

No, nothing convenient.

I guess, uh...

The man driving that big car knew our man here and didn't like him much.

Well, you got a good set of tire tracks out there. I mean, you know, maybe they

tie in, maybe they don't. Well, you got a good cast, but the trouble with tire

track evidence is you got to have another tire to compare it with. So,

somebody brings me one of those, I guess we'd better confirm this man's

identity. I think we can go past the photographs and loved ones.

Fishkin.

I'll do a dental impression and a chart.

Can somebody get me this Ralph Landry's medical records so I can compare old

scars and breaks?

Yeah, well, our client might know who his dentist is or his insurance records.

That's not Landry.

What makes you say that?

In my business, you notice somebody's health before anything else.

Ralph Landry was a muscular man, well -built, vigorous.

That can't be his body. I'm sure of it.

Maybe I'm partly to blame.

There he was, perfectly contented to be Mr.

Bowtie, and I come along ten years younger.

I should have been able to try and stop him from being something he wasn't.

But he was having such a good time.

I hope when I go, I leave more than the junk that's left on the floor of my car.

Who stapled these together?

Oh, um...

I did. I was going to tell you about that.

I noticed that he went out to the Caldale Mall three nights in a row last

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Look at the date.

Is that worth noticing?

Well, maybe for two reasons.

First of all, Ralph hated to shop.

Especially at malls. All his new silk shirts, I had to buy those for him.

And second of all, we built this mall.

Well, Wellens Engineering did.

Just opened.

Well, if Ralph went out there, it probably had something to do with his

Well, if he hadn't come out here three times, I'd say he was just curious, but

this wasn't his project.

Ralph dealt mainly with public work, state and federal agencies, that kind of

thing. Ah, wait a minute. I think I got an idea. Mary, let me have the picture.

Those kids hang out at these shopping malls all the time. That's Ralph.

Okay. Oh, wait a minute.

If I let me handle this, you do it, they'll think you're a pervert.

I am totally zoned.

I mean, this place is mondo awesome, you know. I mean, to the absolute max.

An absolute poindexter. Way beige.

Totally tubular?

You know what this guy's talking about?

Well, I see you struck your usual responsive chord.

Obviously these young ladies don't seem to fit the banal stereotypical notion

you have of today's teenagers. Hi there.

I'd say they were trying to pick us up, but nobody's this bad at it.

Excuse me.

We're looking for somebody who might have seen this man here last week.

Oh, yeah.

Really strange.

I saw him go through that door three days in a row.

Thank you.

Gentlemen.

Whatever happens to for sure?

I'm really concerned about... The degeneration of the English language,

you? Really?

This is an access tunnel. Well, at least it wasn't all the other malls we built.

Ah, it's locked.

Yeah, but look.

Ah, someone picked it recently.

Amateur. Now we get to watch the pro.

That's pretty impressive.

Proof of a misspent youth.

This is the physical plant for the entire mall. Your air conditioning,

elevators, that sort of thing.

Well, maybe Landry found some kind of a technical problem down here.

Well, everything seems to look okay.

I better check it out, though. Oh, and I better advise company security.

Huh? I said I better advise company security.

Ah.

Security, Donna speaking.

Hi, Doug.

This is Mary D 'Angelo. I'm over here at Caldale.

Would you have any idea why Ralph Landry was looking over the elevator system

out here?

I don't know, Mary.

Is something wrong?

Well, I don't know. I'm going to pull the Caldale files tomorrow and run a

complete check through the computer.

That's a good idea.

I'll start asking some questions around here and see what I can come up with.

Then why don't we get together late tomorrow morning and compare notes?

Sounds good. Thank you, Doug. Bye -bye.

Come on in. Have yourself a drink.

Mr. Donner, it's after midnight.

Now, I, for one, had very definite plans about going home and getting a good

night's rest. So maybe you could tell us why it is so vital that we come right

over here.

Because hopefully there will never have to be a record that we even ever had

this conversation.

I had Landry's dental records sent up to Borrego Springs.

This came back tonight.

They match.

That body up there is Landry.

And now all of a sudden you know a whole lot more than you did, right?

Look, Willens and I weren't completely honest with you the other day, but

believe me, I never would have gotten on this bus if I knew that he was talking

murder.

Last Thursday, a day before Landry went out to Sand Pebbles,

Wellens told me confidentially that Landry had left the company abruptly and

that I was to disappear him, if you're familiar with the concept.

You mean murder Landry?

Of course not.

Just expunge his records, you know, shred his files.

Kinds of things that a security officer can do with less notice than, let's say,

a chief executive officer.

But when you fire a man, is it customary to also clear out his apartment?

Oh, no, wait a second. I didn't do that.

Wellens did that.

This afternoon, one of our engineers called with a story linking Landry to

possible trouble at the Caldale Mall.

She's still looking into it.

Must have been pretty big trouble.

If you think Wellens murdered Landry, why don't you just nail him?

Fellas. I may be a team player, and I like my job, but if anything has

to Ralph, I don't want to get burned with murder conspiracy.

Why don't you talk to us, Donna? Tell us what you want.

Look, all I know is when the two of you started looking for Ralph, Wellens

decided it was time for spring cleaning.

And it isn't even spring.

I don't know, but maybe there's something in there that might help you

why Ralph was murdered.

Why doesn't he ever record on the B -side?

Well, besides being guilty of writing very dull letters, he's also guilty of

wasting tape.

That's weird.

I didn't think you could record in reverse on one of these cassettes unless

fiddled with it.

Well, maybe it was recorded as full track on the other side originally.

Yeah, like on one of those pro machines.

And if you re -recorded it on one of these home jobs, you'd only erase half.

There you go.

I've now got 11 of these carbons, all dated from last Friday,

totaling close to half a million dollars.

I mean, I've heard of getting walking around money for the weekend, but this

ridiculous. All the withdrawals made from the same bank?

No, let's see. We've got a personal account, a joint account with a wife,

a corporate account.

I've been an engineer for a long time, and I've never seen so blatant an error.

This is no oversight. It's fraud.

The Caldell Mall is a ticking time bomb.

You think that's Landry?

Yeah.

And I think it's blackmail.

I think Landry found out that Welland somehow fiddled with them all and he's

holding them up.

Could be.

Could very well be.

I mean, if this is walking around money, I'll bet Landry's the one who wanted to

be walking around with it.

And you can walk quite a long ways on half a million dollars.

It's on the main system of the shop.

It's safe enough.

Just leave the money here.

Well, that's Ralph, but blackmail? I just can't believe he would do something

like that. I just can't.

That's the third and final tape.

Classic example of an extortionate setting his victim up for the payoff.

Andre had well and snail and was offering to sell him the proof.

Well, it's just so outrageous.

But Ralph did have the proof.

I'm following the same computer trail he probably did, and it looks like some of

Caldell was never inspected so the mall could open on time and Wellens

Engineering could avoid paying penalties.

That's big money, but is it worth murder?

I want a project this big.

Thousands of dollars every day.

Well, I guess we're going to take Annie to report and go back up there and talk

to Heidi Costa.

Quit hiding. She's at the badminton court.

No, no, no. Come on, you guys.

You know the rules.

Rules are made to be broken.

Why are you two dressed?

Don't worry, we're not staying.

Look, you said you got a glance at the man's face when he checked in here at

Ralph Landry.

Do you recognize him again if you saw him?

I think so. He wore dark glasses, like I told you, but I was very close to him

for several minutes.

Is that the man?

No. No?

You sure?

That's the man that was here.

Donner? Yeah.

Excuse me.

really made it out for us, didn't he?

With tapes and Wellens on us, the map to lead us to the body.

Landry brought it all to Donner on tape.

Donner saw his chance and killed him.

Then came up here to wait until he got paid off.

He didn't count on it.

Hit the dirt.

Get down.

One, two, three.

He's alive.

No key.

Give me a minute.

Rick, this isn't an armored vehicle.

Well, it'll do. You can't shoot what I can't see, right?

Well, you can't drive it if you can't see.

The old mirror gag. Would you remove it for me, please?

Put it down.

Don't try it.

The mall was closed this morning and safety inspections are underway.

Was there any real danger?

Oh, sure. There was a potential there for hundreds of people to be hurt, even

killed.

Wellens has been indicted along with 10 or 12 trade inspectors. Good.

Hey, Jay, a little help.

Got some new glass out here.

Hey, all right.

Well, maybe I misjudged Ramon.

No. He did a nice, quick job.

Yeah, well, he just fell in love with work.

I think this is his best work ever. What do you think?

At least it says we can speak English.