Original subtitles

Simon and Simon Investigations will guarantee the safe delivery of this

even if the hounds of hell are after us.

Tonight on Simon and Simon.

Sergeant, who is this woman?

A thief and a killer.

Boy, that's a great old car, isn't it? First they want to steal her, then they

want to destroy her. Makes perfect sense.

According to this map, he did almost 100 pounds of pure gold.

AJ, I'm in a terrific mood, just don't spoil it, okay?

Brown, B.

Meisel.

Now, what do we got here?

Newspaper.

I wonder who it could be for.

Swayze.

He.

You don't budge an inch.

Do you?

Princess.

Sir?

Inmate Swayze requests permission to approach.

Well, haul it on over, sweet babe.

I think it's about time that you and I got to be friends.

You bet.

How's come it took all these many years for you to give old Ernie a tumble? Huh,

sweet thing? How's come?

You know, I can arrange for special delivery on that newspaper of yours.

Thank you.

It's more fun when you take your time.

Mom, it's not that we don't appreciate your trying to drum up the business for

us. Sophie Chalfan is a dear friend of mine, and she needs our help.

We already gave.

This isn't a charity case, Rick. She's perfectly capable of paying your fee.

But, Mom, we are not in the automobile delivery business.

We're private investigators, remember?

Now, don't get smart with me, young man. I know this isn't the sort of thing you

do, but someone tried to steal that car last night, and Sophie's worried it

might never get to San Francisco.

Would you at least talk to her?

Yes, ma 'am.

I never did see who tried to steal the car. When the alarm went off, I ran

outside, but the thief had gone.

What kind of car is it?

It's a very old Cadillac that my late husband had for years.

Howard, may he rest in peace, just loved that car.

He always said to me, Sophie, never sell that car.

Never.

And I wouldn't have, except that Howard died of a heart attack two weeks ago.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry to hear that.

Thank you.

It was so sudden and unexpected that he didn't get a chance to put his estate in

order. He had made some investments that... That's dunk. That's what they

Howard, may he rest in peace, was a very considerate man.

But he left me practically penniless.

So I took an ad in the paper, and I got a very nice phone call from a Mr.

Paxley in San Francisco.

He said that if I delivered the car up there, he'd give me a check.

Now, Howard always said that the car should never go more than 50 miles an

so I was going to hire one of those driving services until somebody tried to

steal the car, and I realized how dangerous it would be to deliver it.

you two would get that car safely to San Francisco, I'd be happy to give you 10

% of anything Mr. Paxley gives me.

Mrs. Chauvin, that's very kind, and we appreciate it. That's an old Cadillac. I

mean, how much could it be worth?

Oh, well, not very much generally, but this one happens to be worth $95 ,000.

It's in my house right now, if you'd like to see it.

I asked Myron to keep an eye on it.

Good thinking.

$95 ,000.

Good Lord.

It's a chrome eagle.

It's a what? It's a... Chrome Eagle.

I didn't think there were any of these left.

You know that car.

Do I know this car?

What we have here is a 1935 Cadillac Chrome Eagle Sports Phaeton V12 engine,

horses, one -shot lube system. And a partridge in a pear tree.

There are only six of these cars ever made.

I don't know who this guy Paxley is, but he's giving you a fair price.

Now let's see, 10 % of $95 ,000. Rick! Move it what?

In the presence of a work of art, we do not discuss commerce that is tacky.

Mrs. Chauvin, I think I speak for my brother when I say that Simon & Simon

Investigations will guarantee the safe delivery of this vehicle even if the

hounds of hell are after us.

All right, if I take her out for a little spin? I wouldn't mind at all.

No, no, no.

It's nothing like that.

It's just one of those last -minute things.

I am driving up there with my brother and spare me the cutesy remarks.

No, there's no girl.

Look... I'll call you when I get back, okay?

Yeah. Bye.

Mr. Simon?

Uh... Yeah?

My name's Rick.

I'm Eleanor Swanson, Rick.

Hi. My friends call me Ellie.

Well, Ellie.

What can I do for you?

You can take me with you to San Francisco.

I heard about the Chrome Eagle.

Oh, you're an old car buff, huh?

An old car rider.

I freelance for Autotrend, Road & Tire, and I think I could sell either one of

them an article about the journey of the Chrome Eagle.

Uh -huh.

If you'd let me come with you, I'd be happy to pay all the expenses.

Well, I really would have to talk to my brother about that, and right now he's

out getting the car gassed and oiled.

And the trip, I mean, we're going to take our time, you know,

going up there. It could be two or three days.

I'm sure we could work out some sort of sleeping arrangement.

Probably. Well, of course, you said she could come along. Of course I did.

I think if you refuse an approach like that, you're supposed to meet us here.

What do you fear? You'll understand.

I'm thirsty, fellas.

Myron, you're supposed to be watching the car.

Hey, lighten up, AJ. I got my camper blocking and it's going nowhere.

And there's also some foxy -looking blonde out there that says she's going

you.

Well, if that's what she says.

Excuse me, Myron.

You're taking golf clubs?

Certainly.

I know when you might want to do a little shooting.

Broads?

Golf clubs?

Hey, Jay, is that the way I taught you how to handle a case?

Mm -hmm.

Broads and golf clubs.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Mrs. Jalvin?

Yes.

Sergeant Dornigan, police officer.

You're from New Orleans?

Yes, I just transferred out here. They haven't issued me a new badge yet. My

husband and I used to live in New Orleans.

Oh, did you now?

Sergeant, haven't we met before?

Perhaps. In New Orleans about three years ago, after that trouble where my

husband worked?

Yes, that's... It's possible.

I think you're the one who searched our house.

With Howard's permission, of course.

He was never actually a suspect. At least he told me he wasn't, but...

what do you want?

I told the police everything I know about the break -in last night.

Could this be the person that tried to steal your car?

I'm sorry, but I didn't see who it was.

Miss Johnson, is it possible for me to see that old car of yours?

You'll have to hurry.

It's on Highway 23 right now, en route to San Francisco.

Sergeant, who is this woman?

A thief and a killer.

AJ, does Baby drive as good as she rides?

Well, aside from the fact that she seems to be missing on one cylinder, she is

superlative.

Okay. Hit stop.

Ellie? That's okay, AJ. I'm fine.

Okay.

Go ahead, Rick. I'll watch the car.

It's all right.

I can wait.

Boy, this is a great old car, isn't it?

Yeah, great.

I'm sorry, Rick.

About what?

That you and I don't have more time together.

That didn't take long, did it?

What? You ripped the seat.

I did not. You did.

Oh, come on. Look at that. What are you talking about? Look.

Well, I didn't do that.

Yeah, well, it certainly wasn't ripped when I left to go to the bathroom. It

to be ripped when you went to the bathroom because I didn't do it. I know

well I didn't do it.

I heard it ripped when you moved over. Maybe it just got caught on something.

Maybe I didn't.

I gotta go to the head.

Ignore him.

Huh?

Hey!

Boy, you don't fool around.

Define fool around.

Yeah, well, I mean... I know what you mean.

When I see something I like, I go after it.

Yeah, well, a moment ago, I saw you going after my brother.

Yeah, well, it didn't work out with us.

But I would really like to go someplace where you and I could be alone together.

Well, maybe some other time.

Whenever you say.

Oh, you write for Photo Trends magazine, huh?

Every chance I get.

That's funny. You know, I read that magazine all the time. I don't recall

seeing your name on any of the articles.

Oh, that's because I write under the name of Warren Pike.

Car magazine readers aren't supposed to like women writers.

Ah.

You get along okay with Pete Chambers?

Sure.

Well, you know, I've just heard he's a tough editor.

He was, until he got to be publisher.

You ever show you his car?

Which one?

He's got quite a collection.

No, yeah, I know. But I mean the Pope Toledo. That's my favorite anyway.

Oh, yeah. I love that one, too.

Yeah. Oh, God. Isn't that a beauty?

Wow. What is that? Is that a 1916 or a 1917?

Oh, I don't remember.

Probably a 17.

Lady, they made the last Pope Toledo.

In 1909.

They never made a 1916 or 1917, and anybody who knows anything about

knows that.

Now, I don't know who you are or what you want, and I haven't got time to find

out. I've got a very expensive car to deliver.

But there is something definitely scary about you.

Something that smells like trouble.

You can get out right now.

There's a little town half a mile down the road, so it's not like we're

abandoning you in the middle of nowhere.

Out.

Rick?

Let's do a lunch.

Now what do we do for entertainment?

Sing

Come on now, Eleanor. Put that toad sticker away.

Since when did you get to be a killer?

That's not your style.

You're not taking me back, Donegan.

Okay.

I'm not taking you back.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing out here? This isn't your turf.

I've retired.

I come out here for the sunshine.

I knew the old geezer Chalfin was in on it. I don't know what you're talking

about. You help me get the car, Eleanor, and I'll split 60 -40 with you.

And maybe we can mix a little pleasure with the business.

Done again.

You always were the crookedest cop on the go.

Well, I try.

That was you trying to steal the car the other night, wasn't it?

We split 50 -50.

Thank you. Thank you.

Any idea what kind of an alarm?

Yeah, it's an auto -worn Model 20.

Would be the cake.

Just keep the engine running.

Looks like Eagle's got another admirer.

Ugly one, too.

Yeah, I better go warn him before he touches it. Wait a minute, wait a

Don't see what happens when he sets it on.

It's a terrific alarm system.

Watch this, watch this.

That ugly son of a gun's gonna jump a mile.

Everything looks okay. I don't think he hurt anything.

Was that Ellie driving?

Yeah, I think so.

Who was the guy?

I don't know.

Somebody wants the chrome eagle off the bat.

Even badder than you think.

Say, look at this. You remember this? Yes, I remember that. That's the rip you

made. The rip you accused me of making. Yeah, well, all I know is... Just knock

it off for a minute, will ya?

Not a rip at all.

This thing goes all the way through to the back seat.

What?

Look.

Like somebody sitting in the back seat made it.

Maybe somebody with something like a knife.

What are you trying to tell me?

Do I have to spell this out for you?

You mean... Yeah, I mean...

Go ahead and pass her.

She's got plenty of power. Just keep it under 50.

Okay.

I see what you mean about missing on one cylinder. It's a good thing she's got

11 more. Yep.

Thought they'd never leave.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Doesn't it seem to you like they're trying to destroy the Chrome Eagle?

Oh, destroy might be too mild a word. Try annihilate.

Doesn't make any sense.

First they want to steal her, then they want to destroy her. Makes perfect

sense. Not to me, it doesn't. They don't want the car. They want something

that's in the car, something hidden.

Oh, come on. Gold,

cash, diamonds.

Whatever it is, you can bet that it is spectacularly valuable.

And it's all ours.

Rick. And Sophie's.

Satisfied? We've been searching for two hours and we haven't found a thing. What

do you mean searching? We haven't even started searching this thing yet. What

are you talking about? I'm talking about 113 miles at 22 cents a mile plus 50

bucks. Myron, you can talk about that later. Will somebody tell me what all

is about?

Yeah.

Be glad to.

And that's why we think there's something valuable hidden in the car.

Well, what do you want of me?

Sophie, when you lived in New Orleans, what did your husband do?

What are we playing here? This is your life? Howard was a bookkeeper for a

company called Oriental Traders.

They were very big importers.

They did a great deal of importing rare books, antique furniture, jade,

emeralds, gold, diamonds.

While he was there, was there ever an unsolved theft?

Yes. Yes, there was. A big robbery.

But it was kept very secret. Howard didn't even tell me what was taken. But

know somebody was sent to jail for it.

All right, now, look, don't get me wrong about this, but is there any way that

maybe Howard was, you know... That Howard was involved?

Uh -huh. To my knowledge, he was never a suspect.

But that man was such a rascal. It wouldn't surprise me if he was involved.

Wait a minute.

And you figure that whatever was stolen, he hid in the old car?

Yeah.

Maybe. Well, that settles it. We're going to have to tear it apart.

Tear this car apart?

Hey, look, if we're going to find what's in there, we're going to have to go all

the way with this thing with a cutting torch if necessary. A cutting torch on a

chrome eagle? Are you out of your mind? What's the problem? It's just an old

car. Just... Myron, this is not just some

bucket of bolts that falls off the assembly line by the gross. No way.

This... is a 1935 Cadillac Chrome Eagle Phaeton.

This is a precision system lovingly assembled by old

world craftsmen. And if we take it apart, no

one, no one will ever be able to put it back together again.

Billy Bob Bayshore.

What? Billy Bob Bayshore, an old Marine buddy of mine, had the motor pool in

tonight. You met him. He's got a little chop shop down in National City.

No matter what we do to this baby, Billy Bob will get her back together again.

I don't believe a word of that, and neither do you. All right, then, fine.

just leave it up to Sophie. It's her car, after all. Sophie, do you want to

for the gold or no? All right, now, Mrs.

Chalfant, forgetting entirely that the Chrome Eagle is an artistic creation.

The car, as she stands, is worth almost $100 ,000.

thousand dollars to you now do you want to risk your entire life saving not to

mention destroying a work of art on some harebrained off the wall treasure hunt

where you will probably find nothing

Doesn't seem to be.

Anything here?

What have we done?

What am I going to tell Mr.

Paxley? This is Sophie.

We'll look around. Maybe we can find another old car we could sell him. Rick,

are you sure your friend can put this car together again?

Positive.

Why don't you take the engine apart?

What? What?

Well, go ahead. It's the only thing left. Take the engine apart.

Besides, I've never seen the insides of a V12.

Why didn't I see that?

Why didn't you see what?

It's in the engine.

Rick, there is nothing in the engine but the engine. Get there, AJ. There's too

many moving parts. I don't care for moving parts. There's too much heat and

would be destroyed. AJ, you said it. I said it, but it wasn't quite right. This

engine is not missing on a cylinder. It's missing a cylinder completely.

There's a piston gone. That's got to be it.

You!

All right, get out of the way. Come on, get out of the way. You've got to be

able to take this off, don't you?

Okay.

Here we go.

Hold that.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

It's got to be diamonds, right?

Emeralds, at the very least. Well, maybe pearls, huh?

I hope it's not some controlled substance.

Here, here, here, here. Give me that.

We got it now.

Okay, okay.

We got it now. Hold your hands out. Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait

minute. Hold your hands out. Okay.

We don't got it.

What is that?

Give me that.

Some kind of a map.

And he had it right at the beginning.

Certain in Chinese.

Sophie, you got any idea what this is?

No. Where are we going to get that thing translated?

U of L. U of what?

University of Lompoc. There is no University of Lompoc. Oh, yes, there is.

what's more, it's very close.

Our friends are back.

Is there a back door to this place?

Yeah, right back there.

Do you have a car we could rent or something?

No, but I'll drive you wherever you want to go.

Terrific. Come on, let's go.

They've been in there over four hours.

You've got to learn patience.

I ran out of patience in prison.

They found it.

I know they found it.

I told you we shouldn't have waited.

Take it easy, Eleanor.

Incredible. What?

Absolutely incredible.

And what is it?

It's a 17th century treasure map.

I'm almost positive this map was drawn by Hobson Lee.

Hobson Lee?

Not many people know about him.

He was thought of a Chinese Marco Polo. He explored the Pacific about 300 years

ago.

According to this map, in a natural cave somewhere along the California

coastline, he hid almost 100 pounds of pure gold.

Be still, my heart.

100 pounds? What, was it ever found?

Not to my knowledge.

100 pounds of gold, that's 14... No, A .J., that's a million dollars worth of

gold.

Can you tell from that map exactly where it is?

Yes, I think I can.

She thinks she can.

There we are, right there.

The cave is only about 45 miles from here. 45 miles.

Yeah, Rick, that is in an area labeled Mid -California Water District to no

trespassing. There's no sweat. We'll figure out a way in there. This is the

wackiest story I've ever heard in my life.

Miss Chen, couldn't the coordinates have changed in 300 years?

This is Hobson Lee we're dealing with, and his coordinates wouldn't change in

300 million years.

So there.

Have a good trip now.

Thank you.

You guys are crazy. You know that, don't you?

Hey,

look. Looks like our friends are gone.

Yeah, what makes me think they'll be back?

Thank you.

Well, let's go.

Your buddy Billy Bob Bayshore is rushing up, I presume.

Do you know any good motels here?

Oh, yeah, sure. Over to the... Hold it!

Rick?

I want you to tell me why Billy Bob is not coming up.

Well, see, he... Rick!

Don't pick at it. Just yank the bandage off. Okay, okay.

Billy Bob was busted with a shop full of hot Porsches, and he's doing 15 to 20

in Quentin.

You wanted it brutal.

The one person who could reassemble the Chrome Eagle is completely out of reach.

Wait a minute.

Got an idea.

See, what we do is we just take all of this stuff, we crate it up, and we ship

it right in there to Billy Bob.

They got this great occupational therapy program at Quentin's, and he can start

to... Cab's here. Cab's here.

Thank you very much. This should cover everything, I think.

We'll be back for her.

Now, I just want you to know that I am violently opposed to this whole cockeyed

treasure hunt.

You're going to fool me.

Mr. Burns, I just hate to see those pink Okami agitators, you know, telling the

mid -California water district how to run its business. You guys have been

a terrific job all these years.

Well, thank you, sir.

So let's just not give them any more ammo for their slander. You know what I

mean? Let's just make sure that there's no water coming out of that Tioga

outfall for at least the next two days.

Well, we hadn't planned on it, sir.

But I'll make total sure it doesn't happen.

All right. Terrific, Mr. Burns. That's wonderful. I'll be sure to mention your

name.

Who was that on the phone, Burns?

A TV reporter, sir.

He's going to be covering some demonstration by those pure water

Demonstration?

I don't know about any demonstration.

It's supposed to be this morning, sir.

At the Tioga outfall.

The Tioga outfall, huh?

Yes, sir.

How long have you been working for us, Burns?

Eight months, sir. That figures.

Get on the phone, call the police. Have them send an off -road unit to the Tioga

outfall. The police.

Just do it, Burns, please.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Ben.

Ben, this is Al Colley over at Central.

All your valves working today?

looking place I've ever seen.

That's got to be the cave right up there, right where those bushes are.

100 pounds. Now that's 1 ,400.

Troy, I'm supposed to go.

Don't get your hopes up. Hey, it's got to still be here. Otherwise, why would

those people be after it? Hey, hey, are you sure they're not planning to pump

any water? I'm sure, I'm sure. Well, I mean, just because they said that, AJ,

I'm in a terrific mood. Just don't spoil it, okay?

There it is.

The cave entrance.

The gold's got to be inside, just like Hopson Lee said.

Rick, that was 300 years ago. Josh, shut up and let me enjoy this moment.

AJ, get in here.

It's here.

I can feel it.

I can smell it. A hundred pounds of gold. You got any idea how many grams

is? Oh!

Don't ever let me talk me into this.

All right, pick a spot. Any spot.

You get to choose where we start digging first, okay?

Rick, can we just please get the several... All right, right here. We'll

digging here.

Hang on to that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What?

What's that sound?

That's just the echo from the digging.

No, no.

Something else.

Earthquake?

No, no, no. It's not an earthquake. It's more like a raging time.

Sure there was gold there.

It was discovered about 50 years ago by the Army Corps of Engineers when they

laid out the water district.

The Army found a million dollars in gold?

Nah. It was less than 30 ,000. You know, in 1933, gold was only worth about

what? $20 an ounce.

Oh. It never fails.

At least once a year, somebody gets a copy of that old Chinese map and catches

gold fever.

And you get to drench them, huh?

Yeah.

But nobody ever gets hurt.

I want to bet.

Mr. Burns?

Yes, ma 'am.

I'm the attorney for Rick and A .J. Simon, and you're holding some evidence

need to study. It's a map, a rather old map.

You mean this?

Yes, thank you. I'm sorry, ma 'am, but I'm inventorying this evidence for the

police, and I can't release anything without proper authorization.

Of course. I brought some authorization with me.

Will this do?

Yeah. That's the guy who tried to rip off our car.

And run us off the road.

Supposed to be suspects?

Nope, the garage owner cleared you. The only thing you can be held for is

trespassing on government property. Oh, come on. Pauly, some woman just held me

up at gunpoint. She said she was their attorney.

What? Was she beautiful?

Blonde? Yeah.

You know her?

Yeah, we know her. She took that old map of yours. Oh, good.

Joke's on her when she gets here and finds out there ain't no goal, right, A

.J.?

Right, A .J.? Oh, no.

I get real nervous when he acts like this. A .J., what's wrong?

It wasn't the car they were after.

It wasn't the car they were after. It wasn't the gold they were after.

It wasn't the gold they were after. All along, all they ever wanted was the map.

Are you kidding me?

Authentic 17th century calligraphy. Handwritten by Hopps. Sun Li. The

Marco Pal. That thing must be worth a fortune. All the time we had it right

there in our hands. Now it's gone. And we don't have a clue as to where it

That's wrong.

We have a clue. What clue? We have a name.

Can we get out of here?

I see.

Thank you.

Yes. Thank you very much.

Mr. Paxley is not a classic car dealer.

No. Mr. Paxley is not even a classic car collector.

Uh -huh.

Would you believe Mr. Paxley is a philographer?

Shame on him.

No, a philographer happens to be a person who sells rare handwritten

parchments, scrolls, maps.

Isn't that interesting?

Uh -huh.

And Mr. Paxley is presently out of town, but he is due back early this evening.

Mm -hmm.

Well, he's got a good head start on it.

Probably going to get to him first.

Oh, not necessarily.

Hi.

My name is AJ Simon. I'd like to charter a plane to San Francisco, please. Oh,

what?

You were going to cut me out of the deal completely, weren't you? Of course not.

You'd have gotten your share.

I swear you would. We agreed to wait until I got out. I took the fall for

caper, remember?

Eleanor, please, try to understand.

When I heard that Chalfant had died and his wife was going to sell the car, I

had to move fast.

I mean, you were still in prison.

What else could I do?

Give me the money and let me get out of here.

The money!

You don't have to count it.

Sure I don't.

Who is it?

I didn't order a pizza.

Put it down! Put it down!

Drop it!

Step away from it.

Eleanor, how nice to see you again.

Mr. Pax, I presume?

I should have killed you both when I had the chance.

Does this mean our lunch is off?

Well, the map belongs to this museum in Boston and there's a $50 ,000 reward for

the return of it. So you ought to be getting a check in a couple of weeks.

Well, 10 % of it belongs to you and your brother, dear.

Not this time, Sophie. We want you to keep all of it. If I hadn't gotten cute

with a chrome eagle, you'd have a lot more money.

Well, your friend Billy Bob can put the car together again, can't he?

But... It might take a little while.

Well, when he does, and when I get another buyer, you and your brother will

in for 20%. Well, thank you, Your Honor.

Bye -bye.

Sure ain't bare to go look at all those pieces.

I tell you what, you go grab yourself a brew and I'll load the truck. No, no,

I'll do it with you. It's just... I feel like we desecrated a shrine.

Howdy.

Oh.

Went together easier than I thought.

They sure don't make them like they used to.