Original subtitles

One of the victims in Death Boat is a young private detective.

You mean you took the case and you haven't read the book?

I was getting around to it.

Tonight on Simon and Simon.

Two of the murders have actually happened.

Exactly as you wrote them?

Wouldn't know how it happened. We have a homicidal maniac running amok in this

town. How many will there be for dinner?

None. You are dead.

Who was that?

You didn't recognize him? No.

Rockwell Stark.

Ah.

Just wrote the hottest bestseller of the year.

Death Boat.

Right.

So what does he want us to do?

He's having a family reunion.

Wants us to find a long -lost cousin.

How long? How lost?

Ah, let's see. Well, last seen, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 1953.

Postcard from Abilene, Kansas, 1956.

After that, nothing.

Great, just my kind of case. Look, I got tickets to tonight's basketball game. I

got Charlie's tickets, the best ones. What do you mean, no? I can count these

things for 50 bucks each.

I promised Stark we'd find his cousin for him within 24 hours. He didn't

me. Neither do I.

That's why he's giving us a nice bonus. Do you know what that means? That means

24 hours looking through old newspaper clippings, old telephone books, calling

all... No, I passed.

What do you mean you passed?

This is a partnership.

Oh, really? Did you consult with your partner before you took the case?

Well, no, but I mean, if I could find... Fine, then I'll take Jenny to the

ballgame. Well, hey, come on. She doesn't even like ballgames. Yeah, I

the tall guy's turned her on, so you have a nice one.

Hey, Rick!

Rick!

Thank you.

I'm next.

I know it.

There's no doubt in my mind. I'm marked as the next victim, and you've got to

protect me.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Well, you obviously haven't read my book.

Well, you're among the very few who haven't. It's practically a bestseller.

Death Boat.

Rockwell Stark.

The story takes place aboard a luxury cruise ship.

Four celebrities are murdered by a homicidal maniac.

Now, so far...

Two of the murders have actually happened in real life.

Exactly as you wrote them? Close enough.

The first victim in my novel is a politician.

Now, three days ago, Senator Joseph Palumbo was kicked to death by a horse.

Kicked to death by a horse?

And you had that happen to a character on a cruise ship?

It was a racehorse.

Ah. In the hold of the ship.

And it was completely credible.

Now, victim number two in the novel is a fashion designer.

Yesterday, Marie Delman was drowned in her pool almost exactly as I had

All right, well, so far we've got two people who've died just like two

characters in your book.

Ah, but victim number three in Death Boat is a well -known popular novelist,

Now, I'm willing to put my money where my life is, on the line.

Now, this should retain your services for a reasonable length of time.

$10 ,000.

Well, that, yeah, ought to... Yeah.

Well, looks like you've got us for the next 28 .57 days.

Um, Mr. Stark, you mind if I ask you a pointed question?

Of course not.

Why aren't the cops protecting you?

The police think the deaths have absolutely nothing to do with my novel.

They say it's just a coincidence and that I'm after publicity.

Publicity. Two people murdered and I'm next and I want publicity?

Yeah, I understand.

Just out of curiosity, how did the third victim die?

It was by electrocution.

Shocking.

Mr. Simon, are you really certain that's necessary?

Just want to make sure that the juice coming into the house is no higher than

normal. Looks okay.

I still wouldn't watch TV in a bathtub, though.

You live here alone?

No, no, no. With only a housekeeper.

Uh -huh.

Wanda's been with me over 12 years, and I trust her with my life.

You keep a dog on the place?

No, no, no, no. Wanda doesn't like dogs.

I think it might be a good idea, you know, just temporarily.

At least till the killer's nailed.

I'll arrange for it. No, it's a charge.

Thank you.

Where's your brother? I thought I'd hired two bodyguards. You hired two

investigators.

There hasn't been two murders. There has only been one murder, Marie Delman.

Now, Senator Palumbo's death is still being ruled accidental. Wait a sec.

Palumbo was an expert horseman. He rode in the Olympics. Now, there's no way a

guy like that is going to accidentally get stomped to death by his own horse.

Well, that's what the police say.

That's because they haven't finished the autopsy. On Palumbo?

No.

On the horse.

Oh, wait a minute. They are doing an autopsy on the horse? Yes.

If the horse was drugged, it means Palumbo was murdered.

A .J., did it ever occur to you that maybe Mr. Stark hired you and Rick as a

publicity stunt to promote his book?

Sure, that occurred to us. It also occurred to us that he's scared to

Have you read this thing?

That? No, certainly not. The reviews were dreadful. Everybody says it's

just like everything else he's ever written.

Right. Nobody likes this stuff. Well, except the public.

All right, you know the novelist that he thinks is himself.

Listen to this description.

He's described as...

a highly skilled writer who has elevated the simple mystery story to the heights

of classic literature.

Now, that description might fit Raymond Chandler, but not Rockwell Stark. I

mean, talk about wishful thinking.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. Leave that here.

I haven't finished it yet.

A .J.?

Yes? Hi, I'm A .J. Simon.

How do I know that?

Well, I just told you I was.

It's okay, Wanda. That's the other half of the team. Say hi to my brother.

Mr. Stark is due at a TV interview in precisely 38 minutes. Yeah, I know,

darling. We're on the case.

I'll tell the master you're here.

Very good.

Master?

It's hard to find good help like this these days.

There are many ways to electrocute a man.

Good thinking.

Up or down? Up.

Which floor?

Three.

We're stuck between floors. Well, now look here. I'm due in Studio C. I'm

to get you there.

It's dead.

You don't suppose that... No, I don't suppose anything.

I think it's just an accident.

Yeah, these things happen all the time.

Well, maybe one of us could crawl out through the top of the car.

There's usually a removable panel.

No, no, try closer to the center.

That's it. That's it. I think you got it.

No.

What was that?

Oh, my God.

I'm sure there's some perfectly logical explanation for this. No, no, no. I'm

going to die.

Just calm down now. We're not going to let anything happen to you. Probably

happened. Was a workman, left it on... Well, everybody's reading it now, you

know. Yeah, everybody.

Just calm down. We're going to get you out of here. Here, hold that.

Give me a boost up, okay?

I'm going to go get some help.

You are dead, Mr.

Stark.

There's someone up there.

Coach, mine's not heavy enough.

All right, I got you. I'll do it.

What?

You okay?

You all right, Mr. Stark?

Hey, you still up there? I think one of us better go check.

I'll cover you.

Okay. Let's be fair.

Tails.

Oh, whoopee.

All right, ready?

Okay.

One, two. Two and a half?

Three.

There's no one here. Do you see anything?

Nope.

Yes, I sure as hell do.

What?

There you go.

You all right?

Here, give me a hand.

Can you get it? Yep. All right.

What the... Look at that.

Electronic.

The killer could have been anywhere.

He heard us get into the elevator with this thing.

The stalling of the elevator, the cable coming down. The whole caper could have

been triggered from half a mile away.

Gentlemen, I salute you. You performed magnificently.

I owe you both my life.

I'll get you to the hospital.

What are you doing?

I'm scheduled for a TV interview, and I plan to keep that appointment.

Two, one.

You're on the air. Go.

Good afternoon, and welcome to Words with Writers.

I'm Keith Berwick, and our special guest this afternoon is Rockwell Stark, whose

latest novel, Death Boat, is rapidly climbing the bestseller charts, despite

severe lambasting by the critics.

Mr. Stark, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Mr. Stark, it's come to our attention that Death Boat is apparently infighting

some individual to commit certain acts of violence.

I would prefer not to talk about that.

But so far there have been two deaths that bear a striking resemblance to

certain... Please, please, I must insist. I don't want to be accused of

exploiting these terrible crimes.

I see.

Mr. Stark...

What do you consider an author's responsibility to his readers?

To give them their money's worth.

The people that are incited to violence by a work of fiction... Hi. Hi, sweetie.

How you doing? Okay.

Are you sure?

Yep. Fine. Thank you for coming.

You're welcome.

He seems fine.

He is.

He's refusing to talk about the killings. Well, good for him.

Oh, A .J., you were right about Palumbo's death. It is starting to look

murder. Aha.

The medical examiner found traces of amphetamines in the horse's blood. Now,

were you able to find a connection between Palumbo and that woman who

What's her name?

Marie Delman. That's her. No. Well, only a rumor. About four years ago, there

was some talk of her having an affair with Palumbo.

Rick, he was married at the time.

Anyway, I haven't been able to verify it.

The sort of thing they say about politicians with half of the starlets in

Hollywood.

Thank you.

I will return them to you as quickly as possible. And if you get caught with

them, you will say you stole them, right?

Say Rick stole them. Right.

Okay. Oh, by the way, now that the police believe Stark's story, they've

assigned a couple of plainclothes men to guard him.

I want to tell you again how much I appreciate... Oh, no, no, no. We were

doing what you hired us to do. Well, these days, that almost seems a lost

Look, Mr. Stark, now that the police are on the case, maybe you'd like us to...

I'd still like you and your brother to stay on the job, if it's all right with

you. It's what we do.

I'll lose my dog, woman.

If this scruffiness creature belongs to you... He was on duty. You leave him

alone. The master is not kindly disposed toward canines. Well, this particular

canine is a highly skilled attack -trained animal, and he happens to be

the team.

If I see that mongrel in the kitchen or the pantry or anywhere near my living

quarters... And where were you this afternoon?

I beg your pardon? Just where the hell were you when your boss was being

attacked? You have the effrontery to interrogate me. You bet I do, lady. Now,

where were you?

Not that it's any of your business, but I was at my parole offices.

Oh, did anybody see you? Can you prove that you... Where?

I'm certain you heard me, Mr. Simon. I speak very distinctly.

You mean to tell me you're on parole?

It's a matter of public record.

What'd you do?

Murder.

Multiple murder, as a matter of fact.

I poisoned a family of eight.

I assume you'll be taking your meals out?

All dead.

You put me on write -down. How many will there be for dinner?

None.

Tonight we're, uh...

We're taking the master to dine with his number one fan.

Wanda certainly does have a rather bizarre sense of humor.

The housekeeper who poisoned the family.

Wasn't that a character in your first book?

Murder a la carte.

I didn't think anyone besides myself had read it. No, Mom's read all your books.

Have you now?

All nine of them.

Well, now, I'm flattered beyond measure. And I like each one better than the

last. I can actually see the growth in your art.

Art? Well, now, that's a term that I've never heard applied to my work.

Oh, I don't care what the critics say.

It's a real art to be able to hold someone's attention glued to the page in

after book.

Well... I just finished Death Boat, and, oh, I'm sorry the young private

detective had to die. He was my favorite character.

Uh...

One of the victims in Death Boat is a young private detective?

Why, yes.

Victim number four.

How come you never mentioned this little tidbit before?

Well, I... I didn't think it was important.

You didn't think it was important?

You mean you took the case and you haven't read the book?

I was getting around to it.

Well, if some maniac is going around killing people according to the story, I

would think the book would be filled with clues. Mom, if you wouldn't mind,

please.

I'm just trying to be helpful.

This young private detective, victim number four, how young is he?

Didn't mean to scare you.

Stark asleep?

Yeah, he's asleep.

House is all buttoned down. Cops are outside.

You check the alarm?

Yeah, nobody's going to get into here without waking up everybody for miles.

Good.

Did you get to that part yet where the young private detective gets killed?

Not yet. Wouldn't know how it happened. No, I would rather find out.

Burned to death?

Incinerated.

Thanks. Anytime.

and to the North American Book Award. Two years in a row. Many more to come.

Thanks, Jerry.

Look, Alan's silent friend has won the award.

Maybe the universal deal... Oh, Derek, I know what you're going to say.

You write the books. I'll sell them.

Fair enough.

Telephone, Mr. Thorne.

Long distance.

I'll take it here.

The caller said you'd want privacy, and he suggested that you take it in my

office. I asked his name, but he wouldn't give it.

All right.

Be right back. This way, please.

Will you be staying much longer, Mr. Thorne?

Oh, Lord, it's almost two in the morning. I'm sorry, Andre. I lost all

time. As soon as I finish the call, I get right out of your hair.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Hello? Mr. Derek Thorne?

Yes? This is Geneva, Switzerland, long distance operator 17.

Please stand by.

See you later.

Derek Thorne.

I still can't believe it.

Did you know him, Mr. Stark? No, no, no, no, not personally.

Just by reputation.

He was a very successful writer, wasn't he?

Yes.

On the strength of two highly overrated novels.

We just got rid of Serpico and Dick Tracy.

Well, I don't think we'll be needing them anymore.

As a matter of fact, I feel secure enough to let both of you go.

But it's only been four days, and you did hire us for 28 plus.

Well, take the rest of the time off as a bonus for a job well done.

Are you sure that's what you want to do?

Positive.

Whoever that maniac is...

He's found his third victim.

Mr. Stark?

Yes?

About the fourth victim... Oh, come on, A .J. The young private investigator?

Did you have anyone in mind when you wrote him in? A .J.

No, Mr. Simon, I didn't. The fourth victim in Death Boat was strictly a

of my imagination.

Ah. Hey, Jay, there's got to be at least 200 licensed private detectives in a 10

-mile radius. I don't believe that.

I'm sorry to be a source of concern to you, Mr. Simon, but I'm sure that you're

not going to be in any kind of jeopardy whatsoever.

See?

Where's Marlow?

Oh, I saw Wanda dragging him off to the house.

Wanda.

Wanda! Hey!

Are you crazy?

How dare you come barging in there like that? Well, what do you think you're

doing trying to drown my dog?

Drown your dog?

I was bathing him.

You're giving him a bath?

That's right.

I don't believe you.

Have you smelled him lately?

Smells fine.

Now he does.

Where do you think you're going?

Well, since Stark's out of danger, I figured I'd take Jenny Sue up to Mammoth

for a week in R &R, you know.

We have a homicidal maniac running amok in this town, and you're going to go off

and play?

Hey, hey, hey, come on. We're off of the case. Now, we've got a perfectly

competent police force that takes care of things like this. A perfectly

competent, a lot of good that perfectly competent police force did for Derek

Thorne. Oh, wow.

Now, Rick, one of us is victim number four.

Maybe both of us.

According to the book, he's young.

I can't believe you seriously think you're in any kind of danger.

Believe it. Why?

Instinct. Bull.

Look, Rick, that maniac tried to kill us in the elevator. Doesn't that make you

mad? It was Stark he was after, not us. We happened to be in the way, which is

what we get paid to do. Be in the way.

You're going to help me nail this Looney Tune or what?

You really think somebody's trying to kill you?

Yes.

Maybe both of us.

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to start right now living my life like every day was my last.

Which means I'm going to take Laura and Jenny Sue up to Mammoth for a weekend

hour. Come on, AJ, I'm only kidding. Hey!

Hey!

You're being totally paranoid about this, you know that?

Nobody's got to incinerate you.

You don't have one single shred of evidence that you're going to be the

victim. As a matter of fact, you don't even know if there's going to be a

Now, would you call that nervous?

Yeah, I'd call that nervous. Yep, yep, yep. Definitely nervous.

Very funny. Where the hell have you been?

Hey, I told you I'd get here when it was dark. It was dark?

It's 7 .30, Rick. It got dark two hours ago.

Oh, God.

What are you doing there?

Oh, I'm trying to see the connection between the first three victims. It

give us an arrow to who the killer is.

So you can get him before he gets you?

You got it.

Come on, A .J., take a break and go to dinner with us. I'm not hungry, thank

you. I promise we won't sit near any open flames.

All right, listen, A .J., we're going to go out and get a nice, rich slab of

rare roast beef, and then we're going to go to the Trotters.

You ever been to Night Harness Racing?

No. Thanks, just the same, some other time.

You're a lover.

Hey, Rick.

Uh -huh.

I need some help on this one.

Can we get you something?

Um, doggy bag.

Oh, Myron, fifth horse, second race, ten bucks.

What can I do?

Take a look at Thorne's file.

See if there's anything there that might be a link between Delman and Palumbo.

Stuffy in here.

Yeah, it is.

Good for me.

No idea.

Hate to tell you, I told you so. Shut up, AJ. I'm not even supposed to be

Victim number four is a young private detective.

He left a copy of Death Boat on your desk, you know.

Help!

Just save your breath for the candle. One more time, on three.

One, two, three.

Well, that didn't look good. You realize how embarrassing this is? Two grown men

tied up like a bunch of... I was just cool with AJ. We got about a minute to

figure this thing out or we're gonna die.

All right. Let's start rocking back and forth. Hold it. Hold it. Don't you...

Don't. Don't move. You start doing that, you're just gonna set it off that much

faster. It'll work.

You're right.

My left.

On three.

One.

Two.

Three. Yes!

It works.

Huh?

What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you it worked?

Well, it worked.

A .J., we've been hit. What do you mean we've been hit? What are you talking

about? That's not kerosene. Why do you want to bet that stuff won't even burn,

huh? It smells like... I know it smells like kerosene, but it can't be kerosene.

Kerosene hits a flame, it burns. That's what it's designed to do, right?

Where's a match?

Rick, I wouldn't do that.

Rick, I wouldn't do that. Rick, no!

Well, now what the hell do we do about this?

Redecorate?

I tell you what.

Let's go someplace where nobody can sneak up on us with a flamethrower.

Do you have any idea how totally degrading that was, being trussed up

couple of chickens waiting to be barbecued? Uh -huh.

I mean, the contempt of it.

Treating us like, like, like chickens. Dirt.

What burns me about this?

It seems so showy about it.

It was like he was a performer or a... Writer?

Huh?

Remember Stark told us he'd never met Thorne?

Yeah.

It says right there that Thorne took a writing course from him four years ago

City College.

Well, maybe Stark forgot.

Maybe.

Maybe he just hated a lot of people.

I mean, hated them enough to want them dead.

So he writes a book about how people who roughly fit their descriptions are all

getting killed.

Uh -huh.

Wait until the book gets published.

Then start killing them off. Make it look like the work of a maniac.

Which would make Dark the maniac.

Exactly.

I don't believe it. What?

He is making fools out of us.

You remember the hot wire in the elevator bed looked like it almost

Stark?

Well, according to this, there wasn't enough juice in that wire to kill

just enough to make it look scary and throw a lot of sparks.

He could have triggered the remote control device himself.

Easily. One hand in his pocket.

I think we better go have a talk with Mr. Stark.

And it's taken six months and every ounce of political clout I could muster

get myself invited to an actual autopsy.

As you can imagine, the medical examiner's office is extremely reluctant

allow unauthorized observers.

Mr. Simon, your mind seems elsewhere.

Am I boring you?

No, no, no, no, not at all. It's fascinating.

Uh, somehow I feel this is not a social call.

You're right, it's not.

My brother and I were putting things together this morning, and we came to

conclusion that it was you who murdered Senator Palumbo, Marie Delman, Derek

Thorne, and then tried to kill us.

Gentlemen, you are good.

Well? What a master stroke.

Naturally, if I were a homicidal maniac, that accusation would have shattered my

composure. I must use that ploy in my very next novel.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Why, thank you.

Now, which of you has the revolver pointed at me under the table?

Both of you. Well, well, well. Now, I am flattered, but not really dangerous.

Would you care to search me?

Well, now that you mention it.

Well, now, whatever made you suspect me?

You said you had never met Thorn.

Oh, my. Did I really say that?

Well, he was my student at City College, of course. And I killed him because his

books get better reviews than mine.

Well, now tell me, why did I kill Senator Palumbo and that Delman woman?

Undoubtedly because you hated them.

Would you like some more coffee?

No, no, no. No, thank you.

You know something?

This is really absurd.

Yeah, we know.

Of course, we'd still like to take a look around, if you don't mind.

Oh, I don't mind at all.

But what is it that you hope to find?

Oh, possibly some electronic gear.

Something that might be used to stall an elevator, say.

My house is your house.

After you.

Follow me, gentlemen.

My workshop, help yourselves.

AJ, give me a hand with this.

Place your weapons on the floor and kick them over to me.

Okay, okay, okay.

Excellent,

Mr. Simon. Warren, just outstanding.

Now, here's your check, and the bonus is included.

Well, thank you very much indeed. I'm glad that I was able to find your cousin

so easily. Well, this is wonderful. I've wanted to see him again for years.

Just wonderful.

Bye -bye.

You didn't tell me how much the bonus was going to be. You didn't ask me how

much the bonus was going to be.

Yeah, well, it's okay, because I've got to go to the bank anyway. I could just

deposit that for you. Why don't you take a look and see what it's made out to?

Hey, wait a minute. The name of this company is Simon and Simon.

That's right, partner.

So you get to watch the office for the next two days while this check and I go

to San Francisco.

AJ! Bye -bye! AJ!