Original subtitles

Big fatality.

Are you James T. Reedy?

You talking to me?

If you're James T. Reedy, I am.

AJ, I'm proud of you.

That is without a doubt the greatest driving that I have seen since Ben

-Hur.

Just glorious.

Did we lose them?

Piece of cake.

There was only half of them left after you did the 360 on the bridge and you

ditched them when you went on the off -ramp.

What?

One for you.

Hi,

Rick. Lynn.

I've still got those jeans you left at my place.

You know, the ones you ripped falling off the mechanical bull down at

When are you going to drop by?

Drop by?

Have you got pop in a bottle?

If I ever find that kid, I'm going to take his pop bottle and... Richard and

Andrew Simon, this is Mrs. Bartlett, and I want to see you in my room after

school today.

Richard!

Richard! You know smoking is not allowed.

I'm taking you to the principal's office right now. You come with me, young man.

I'll call your mother and father. I'm going to straighten you out if it's the

last thing I ever do.

Richard, you must do your homework.

Richard, your grades are just about failing.

Richard, you must discipline yourself and become a meaningful part of society.

Of which I'm the faculty supervisor.

Rick?

Yo.

Earth to Rick.

What's the statute of limitations on bathroom smoking?

What?

Are you all right?

Yeah.

The funniest thing is probably just the jalapenos I had with lunch, but I could

have sworn we just had a message from Mrs. Bartlett.

Yeah, we did.

Don't, don't, no, don't.

This is Mrs. Bartlett, and I want to see you in my room after school today, if

that's convenient for you.

It has to do with the 60s class reunion committee, of which I'm the faculty

supervisor. What are you doing?

Whoa.

Dr. Berry doesn't live here anymore.

I'll say.

It's really pretty easy. You just give a little shot here on the left, and then

another one right over here on the right, and you give a little kick like

and it just pops right open.

That's me.

Hey, it's him.

We've read all about you.

Wow, you're everywhere. Count to your table.

He's a legend.

Andrew! This is Bartlett.

My best little debater. Oh, it's good to see you again.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well, most of my kids keep me young, despite those who try their best to age

prematurely.

Hello, Richard.

Thank you both for coming. Come right in.

And now I'll give you the reason.

We have here what I believe you in your trade called missing persons.

And since we're fortunate enough to count San Diego's most prestigious

investigators among our alumni, we'd like you to find them before the

Well, Sharon Williams shouldn't be too tough.

Start with the 61 varsity football team and work your way backward.

Do you think you'll be able to do it?

Well, Mrs. Bartlett, as a matter of fact, we successfully concluded another

just this morning.

So I think we'll be able to give this priority over all the others that we

stacked up.

After all, it is the old school.

Wonderful! Thank you both for volunteering.

Everyone's been so good about giving freely of their time and services.

Now, Roland Weary's restaurant is catering at cost.

Well, on the other hand, I'm sure I could donate a few hours to track down a

people.

That's the spirit.

Of course, you will help your brother.

Well, gee, Mrs. B., I'd love to, you know, but, boy, somebody's got to keep

agency afloat. And I'll tell you what I'll do. A .J., I'll take care of all

office work. Richard!

Ma 'am.

Do you see this?

Yes, ma 'am.

I made notes on some of your, shall we say, extracurricular activities during

your years here.

I figure they might come in handy someday.

I went into some detail on your senior year, if you follow me.

Uh, Mrs.

Bartlett, that's blackmail.

Besides, what are the police going to care about what some juvenile delinquent

did 20 years ago?

The police?

I think you'd better see to whom it's addressed.

Here are the rest of the yearbooks.

I found them buried in the attic under four pounds of dust and a ton of

memories.

I think it's very nice that you're helping out Mrs. Bartlett.

I haven't talked to her in years. How is she?

Well, in actual fact, Mom, I think she's getting to be a little bit senile, you

know. I mean, she's obviously confusing me with somebody else, and it's kind of

sad. So just keep it in mind if you ever happen to bump into her, okay?

And how did they rope you into the time tunnel?

Are you kidding? I would not miss seeing these pictures for anything in the

world. You've got to see this one. You've got to see this one.

Look at Rick's flat top. You could have landed a 747 on that.

Wait a minute. What does it say here?

Dear Rick, happy graduation. I'll never forget all those times you forged our

hall passes and... Can we go? No, there's more. And we snuck into the

lab to do some extra studying.

Ha ha.

And the night you showed me the wrestling room?

I'm just happy you passed chemistry.

Hey, you think Doug Sullivan would have been the first person to respond to your

class reunion?

He's your senior class president.

Just off the ballot box.

Captain of the championship basketball team.

Yeah, in the weakest year in conference history.

ROTC? Chicken neck little tin soldier.

Stole Jenny Edwards from you. Hey, hey, hey, I broke up with her.

Well, maybe we ought to hear his side of it.

Yeah, we'll try it. Leave it under the door.

Hey! What?

Weird. The manager said he still lived here.

Wait till old lady Bartlett finds out her precious Dougie's a deadbeat.

Nah.

He skipped out on the rent.

Did you ever hear of a phone company disconnecting a phone like this?

Probably stiff them, too.

Hey,

Jay.

Take a look at this.

Stocking up for the winter.

Whoa, wait!

Take it easy, pal. Now, we're just here to find Doug Sullivan to invite him to a

high school reunion.

That's the invitation right there.

to attend the reunion, I want you to know you are the one person in my life

has supplied me with the tools and given me the courage to survive in a world

gone mad.

You'll never know how much I appreciate all those times you let me clean your

erasers. I wouldn't mind cleaning a few for you right now, but I guess I'm

beyond that.

Love, Douglas.

Cleaning your erasers?

It was a little signal we had.

Doug was too proud to ask for extra help with his schoolwork.

So you mean Mr. National Honor Society needed tutoring?

The door was open to you too, Richard.

Only you never asked.

I owe you both an apology.

Doug's letter was a cry for help.

And I should have been honest with you from the beginning.

Yeah? After I received it, I tried calling him.

His phone was out of service.

He had no family to be concerned about him. So I put his name on that list I

gave you. You should have reported his disappearance to the police.

I did.

They put his name on their list.

But they said they couldn't do much about it. But you can.

I'm not asking you to volunteer.

This time I'm hiring you.

No, you're not.

Your money's no good with us.

Besides which, you probably couldn't afford our rates, not on a teacher's

salary. And it might just surprise you to hear that I did learn something while

I was here, only it didn't come from you.

It came from Coach Kaminsky.

I learned how not to quit.

And we're going to find Doug Sullivan for you on the house. Come on, A .J.

I think what he's trying to say is we take the case.

No, it was on his right... right?

Yeah. Yeah, on his right forearm.

A fire -breathing dragon clutching a sword.

Uh, no, that's all we could get.

So if you could cross -reference that on your arrest records.

Great.

Maxine, you are a doll.

I'd be thrilled to take you to the police benefit ball.

Oh, great. Sure, get one more. We'll fix her up with Rick.

Oh, he loves lady vice officers.

Thank you, Maxine.

We'll see you then.

You're getting good with us.

You want to see how good I'm getting with these?

Come on.

She says Bertha has a great personality.

Bertha?

Come on.

Let's check out the place where Doug got this stuff.

I'll tell you, Ansel and Gretel left an easier trail.

I just hope Doug Sullivan is still alive.

Because when we find him, I'm going to kill him.

means 7 -Eleven.

Thunder, pull back.

Can I help you?

We're just browsing.

Don't worry. He only attacks commies and cowards. Yeah.

Now, what can I do for you? I got a special on some freeze -dried turkey

thing. Oh, thank you. We just wanted to ask a few questions.

Sure. You obviously don't know nothing about survival. Look at the shape you're

in. I mean, you need to start thinking about where you'll be when they turn out

the lights.

Uh, well, we're, uh, looking for an old buddy of ours, a guy named Doug

Sullivan.

Look, we're not real big on names here, mister.

Uh, no, yeah, neither are we.

Just that Doug said he might be interested in joining this little, uh,

that we're establishing in this area.

Yeah, a bunch of old service buddies we're getting together to form this

uh, agrarian society, if you follow me.

And we're gonna need a lot of stuff, because we're starting from scratch.

Why didn't you say so?

Yeah, Doug's a regular here. Good guy.

You know, he was ready for the big one. Yeah. It's funny he told you guys he was

interested in joining your group.

Why is that?

Because he's already hooked up with another outfit.

A real serious outfit.

A bunch of them came in here with him once.

Ex -Rangers is my guess.

I mean, when we're all ducking fallout, I wouldn't want to try borrowing

firewood from these guys, you know?

Yeah.

They set up somewhere in this area?

Yeah, up in the mountains somewhere.

I think I heard Doug say they had some land. Great. We'll look them up. Thank

you. Hey, how about a freeze -dried sandwich?

I'll heat it up for you in the mic. That's okay. We'll just come back when

ready to stock up. Look, I wouldn't wait too long. No.

You don't want to wake up tomorrow and find yourself glowing. No, I wouldn't

want to do that. We'll keep that in mind. Absolutely. Listen, I got a

armor -plated RVs. They get lousy mileage, but by then there won't be any

anyway.

That's right. Well, we'll see you later.

Would you mind telling me why you hustled us out of there? That guy was

just beginning to talk.

Yeah, but we got an appointment with Gerald. He's going to meet us at the

in half an hour.

We better beat him there.

Gerald is one man I do not like to keep waiting.

recent events that is not amusing oh if you guys come by my dojo more often you

wouldn't get as much sand kicked in your face this week

it's not sand two more of those where that came from what do you

think shurikens and japanese throwing stars are very common these days you

you can even get them out of the ads in the macho magazines but this is special

tempered steel nice design and weight

This isn't farm team, boys.

This is Major League.

Yeah, well, we would like to find out what franchise this guy played for.

Was he an Oriental?

Who knows?

He wore a mask and came through like a tornado.

He had a tattoo on his right forearm.

A fire -breathing dragon with a sword in its claws. You know anybody like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was a guy a couple of years back.

He was in competition.

I never fought him, but I heard about him.

Ex -Green Beret, I think.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, Maxine, you got anything?

A firearms violation in 1965 for Paul Stark?

Oh, Maxine, you are wonderful.

Listen, what's the most recent paperwork on him? Also, any location?

What?

He was?

In 1979? That's from the FBI?

Okay. Right, well, thank you very much anyway, Maxine.

And we'll see you guys next week.

Bye -bye.

His name was Paul Stark.

What do you mean, was?

He was killed fighting as a mercenary in Rhodesia, 1979.

I tell you what, let me do all the talking, and you just sit there and look

the minute, okay?

You sure about this place?

Well, I've heard about it for years. It's kind of a club for soldiers of

fortune. You know, a guy walks in the front door and then out the back to

or South America or something like that.

Stand by.

Best damn warrior I ever served with.

Paul Stark.

You'll doff your hat when you speak of the dead.

You know damn well Paul Stark never took his hat off in his life.

Except to smooth a woman or to fill it with gold.

That was Paul, wasn't it, lad? You knew him well, didn't you?

And I'll buy a drink for any man who fought with the likes of him.

How's that, eh? Better keep doubles for me mates here, and I'll have a little

tattle for myself if you don't mind.

Just got it.

Paul...

And here comes Matt McGinnis after that, and he whips up, and what he does is he

sprays the bush with hot lead for a good five minutes.

Now, when a small stealth and everything quiets down, out from the

bush comes this one tiny little zebra.

Have you ever had fresh zebra?

No, I can't say. Well, it's not too bad with barbecue sauce.

What would you say if I was to tell you that I, thank you, saw Paul Stark

last week alive as well?

Paul Stark?

Mm -hmm.

They meet me outside in a half an hour.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Steady as she goes there.

Lady Bartlett owes us an A -plus for that.

to talk about Paul Stark, right?

Actually, there isn't that much to talk about yet.

Get in.

Getting in.

Now, you're never going to hold this. This is so funny. See, we were trying to

find this guy.

We went behind him.

You don't start giving

us some answers.

We're going to send you down the hall where the questions get tougher.

Now, what do you know about Paul Stark?

Now, for the hundredth time, some yo -yo with a dragon tattooed on his right arm

jumped us while we were looking for Doug Sullivan to invite him to our high

school reunion.

High school reunion.

Must be some kind of code.

I'll put the crypto boys on it right away.

I'll make it priority alpha. I can't hold off much longer.

If Vincent doesn't get back in contact with us, that means I have to assume

been made.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that maybe these two guys might be telling us the truth.

It's just a high school reunion, that's all.

Sure. Keep it up, and you're going to have a nice little reunion at

Hey, look, don't pull that G -man jive with me, man.

We know our rights, and from the way you've been playing with them, you're

to be the one doing time.

Entrapment?

Deprivation of civil liberties?

Look, fellas, I think we can talk to you. You seem reasonable.

Now,

Sarge, I just had a little talk with Uncle Sugar. He seems to think we can

a nice sweet little deal with you boys if you want to rock and roll with us on

this one.

Oh, I'd love to boogie with the FBI, but it's the truth.

Well, you know, that's all we're looking for, fellas. It's a little more

honesty, that's all, you know.

Maybe you could tell us a little bit about the Vargas mission.

Like who's in charge of it.

Who, what?

Who's your contact?

You think we ought to tell them about her?

Only if they promise to bring her down here.

You give us her name, we'll have her here in ten minutes.

Dorothy Bartlett.

Where do we find her?

Homeroom.

Mr. Hoover would turn over in his grave if he knew that his agents were

spiriting away helpless old ladies and subjecting them to strip searches.

Mrs. Bartlett, we don't know anything about a Doug Sullivan, missing or not.

of our own cases we're working on.

Underachievers only do what they're assigned.

Never read ahead.

Wouldn't dare tackle another problem.

Well, let me tell you something.

Those who only color inside the line end up with a very dull picture.

Richard, Andrew.

Now, can you do me a favor, will you?

For your own sake.

You happen to stumble on a shipment of Harrison M -21s. You give me a call,

It may keep you alive.

Look, you go to the bench and order up a nat security freeze.

Better take them out of the game.

No, I want those two to operate freely.

We're lucky they stumbled on the board. It's like getting two free pawns.

Do it. He's a friend.

Lynn, you shouldn't feel so bad about asking him a couple of lousy questions.

What are friends for?

Look, it's not like we're asking for classified information.

All we want him to do is to go through Army records and see if anybody named

Vargas ever served with Paul Stark.

Oh, also ask him if he knows anything about some stolen Harrison M -21s. And

that name, Vargas, that might not be a person that could be, you know, like a

military code for some kind of operation.

Maybe your friend has a good security clearance.

I don't know. What Harrison M... M what? Oh, M -21s. It's an anti -tank weapon,

very popular in the international arms market. And the name is Vargith. I mean,

as long as the FBI gave us the key, we may as well find the door, right?

I'll be happy to show you.

You know, it's a little too early for this.

Oh, you want us to come back a little later?

It'll still be a little too early.

Is business that bad, or are you just trying to scare mine away?

Uh, Myron.

It just so happens we are working undercover on a very important missing

case. Oh, yeah.

It's nice to hear you guys are back in high school.

Will you let me know if you need some help with your homework?

Janet, I won't be back after lunch or playing golf at Mission Bay.

Okay. You'll call your Army friend, please?

Do you know the context that I am just burning out for this stupid reunion?

not even my reunion, A .J.

All right. Thank you.

Greg, it's all right. I said we'd do it.

Maps.

Maps? What, did they use shock treatment last night?

We're going to need maps of the foothills and the mountains, but

mountains.

Maps, of course.

We thank Marvin for helping us with our homework. Look, it's not the Vargas

mission. It's the Mission Vargas. See, it's not a person or a code. It's a

place. It's the Mission Vargas, not Vargas. Got it? Bye.

Bye.

What would a place go to survive?

Smartest place to be.

Who'd want to nuke this?

You know, it may be smart for them to be out here, but it's crazy for us.

I mean, suppose we do find Doug Sullivan's new classmates. What are we

do with them?

Don't worry about it. We'll just follow the advice of an old buddy of mine.

Two things in this world you need to survive.

Ice water in your veins and insanity in your brain.

Great.

Where's that old buddy now?

Making ashtrays in the state hospital.

Listen, maybe you can help us with some directions.

Well, we only got four around here.

Well, we're looking for some friends of ours. They own a little land around

here. Yeah?

What do they grow?

Real mean after a few beers.

A soldier named Paul Stark.

Ring any bells with you?

So you're friends he is, huh?

We want to do a little business with him.

Okay.

Take route for about an hour out of here, and you didn't hear it from me got

from who?

Be 12 bucks even Thanks,

thanks for the service

I can't believe everything that we...

I

guess survival looks like big on long driveways. Well, it discourages door

salesmen.

You know, I can't figure out why someone like Doug Sullivan would get mixed up

in all this.

Serves him right for snaking Jenny Edwards away from him.

I was going to dump her anyway.

Hey, did you see something move out there?

Would you take it easy? It's a little early for paranoia.

Early, huh?

What the hell are these guys doing out here?

I don't know, but I get the feeling they're not baking bread and raising

What do we do now, Mr. Icewater?

Get the wagon in a circle.

Gentlemen, welcome to Base Camp Wasteland.

Now, what can we do for you?

What was that?

I can't hear you.

Introduce myself.

Colonel Paul Stark.

But you can call me sir.

Well, now, don't just kneel there.

Get up, son. Get up.

Well, you see, Colonel, in our line of work, we don't much like uninvited

either. But as you can well imagine, it's... Not the easiest thing to solicit

over the telephone.

I mean, you don't exactly pick up the phone and dial a toll -free number and

order 80 ,000 rounds of 9mm ammunition, do you?

Which we are prepared to deliver one week from order, no questions asked.

Or perhaps you would like to hear about our new line of submachine guns. Now,

we've got Ingrams, we've got Uzis, we've got Sterlings.

fresh, ready for delivery.

And if you want a small insurrection, you got it. You want to throw a bigger

party, it's yours. No problem.

Now, why don't you tell the colonel about this month's special?

Of course.

For the assault force that has everything, two brand new Harrison M -21

-tank devices.

And we're prepared to throw in 80 rounds of...

H -E -M -O for you, sir, because you're a patriot.

That's a little game we played when things got slow at Firebase, Charlie.

Now, don't let me interrupt you.

Yes, well, how are you fixed for grenades? Now, we've got frags.

Concussion, percussion, smoke.

And if you buy right now, you can take advantage of our two -for -one on 50

yards of Garrett wire.

Of course, all our products are fully backed by our personal exclusive

guarantee. However,

all sales are final.

As we all know, fire means power.

Oh, yeah.

Put those two together.

Firepower!

Uh -huh. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

The logic of it is so clear.

So pristine.

Peace.

That's the only way for all of us, any of us.

Well, why don't we give you some time to think about it? I'll say about a week,

and then we'll come back. Think about it?

I don't need to think about it.

Very effective sales presentation.

You gentlemen will leave and return tomorrow. We'll have an order for you

Oh, that's terrific.

Show these men to their accommodations.

Now, that's very hospitable of you, Colonel, but we just checked in. We

want to impose or anything. Fire!

It's trouble, you know. We could just jump right back in our truck and, uh...

Where's the truck? We're gonna wash it for you. Oh, thank you. Uh, you got a

phone anywhere around? I'd like to make a few calls. There's a phone in the

guest tent.

Oh, plush accommodations.

I can see that right now. Thank you.

Collect call from Rod Serling.

We're in great shape.

Oh, yeah.

That's what the guy said standing around the piano bar on the Hindenburg.

Hey, look, we're in. They bought our cover.

As soon as it gets dark, we recon the joint. We find Doug Sullivan.

And then what?

We all go out and share a few laughs with Colonel Stark raving mad out there

skip merrily along home? I'll tell you, we are so far upstream, Rick, the last

salmon we saw was waving goodbye.

AJ, you better find a place to park it and sit down. Now, you're beginning to

lose it.

You want to wind up like Colonel Crackpot out there.

You talk about flying with an empty gunship.

That sucker must have sat in on one air strike too many. I mean, what movie is

he watching anyway, man? From here to insanity?

Rick. And that stuff about peace through firepower. I mean, there is no question

about it. That guy is AWOL, absolute wacko lunatic. Of course, he's crazy

fox. As a matter of fact, he's probably listening to us right now. And I was

only kidding about that, you know, because all great leaders have a

sense of humor.

How's that for a punchline, maggot?

Oh, you're going to get to love my sense of humor, all right.

Because we're going to sit up all night telling jokes.

I'm going to find out how funny you guys really are.

Take him to the penthouse

Doug

Sullivan

Hallucination is the first sign of insanity.

Are you real?

Sullivan dead.

You're the one that taught me to keeping him alive.

You promised General Sanchez 40 commandos and you need every man you've

I don't need cowards like Sullivan.

He didn't know what he was getting into.

What does he think we're training for here?

A high school football game?

Man, we are spearheading a military coup.

The general's not going to like you pushing up the dump off.

We may not be able to get air cover for the landing.

Just get on the horn to San Leon and tell them to change the landing zone.

We mount up and head south.

Tomorrow morning.

What are we going to do about Sullivan and our new guests?

Call an airstrike on them at dawn.

All three of them.

How does it feel to be voted guy most likely to die?

How the hell did you get here, man? You had it made. You could have played

varsity for life.

You know what it's like to reach the high point of your life when you're 18

years old?

I was on top.

looking for something to feel good about.

I wanted to make the team any team.

When I ran into this group, they were talking inner strength, self

-reliance.

I needed to prove myself to guys who'd been there.

Stark and the others first string.

Well, there's one big difference.

The game they're playing doesn't have any homecoming floats or cheerleaders or

pom -pom girls or morality or conscience or mercy.

And I'll tell you, for a guy with a 4 .0, he has got all the brains of a

football.

Buy it and listen if you want to get out of here alive.

And I'm sorry about this afternoon. My name's Vincent.

You didn't know it, but you brought me a message.

AM -21.

Yeah, it's a bureau code for evacuation.

I've been on a radio silence for three weeks.

Stark may be crazy, but he knew we had him infiltrated.

You're FBI?

That's right.

And right about dawn, we're going to be ground zero for a chopper assault team,

and I don't plan on being here.

Truck's parked right out front.

If we can get through the gate without waking up Stark, we'll be all right.

Let's go.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Long after we start her up, are the guards going to be on us? That second's

light sleepers.

Let's push it.

Thank you, Mr. Benson.

You know how I enjoy night maneuvers.

Colonel, the war games are over.

My people know everything. It's time to give up your command.

Surrender?

Nuts. I can help you, Colonel.

Army takes care of its own.

You're a decorated veteran.

A respected man.

We can help you.

It's just that your methods have become a little unsound.

You're a traitor.

Much to the troops.

You may not have gotten paid for this case, but it was worth every penny just

see the look on your face when Mrs. Bartlett kissed you in front of the

reunion.

Blew my credibility for half a class.

Oh, not with Ginny Edwards.

Well, that's true. The best thing about reliving old times is you get to start

some new ones.

Yet everybody we know Knows we're more than brothers We're best of friends

We may not look or think like one another

And there are times when we have hurt each other Still we're more than