Original subtitles

[♪♪]

Who spent $600 on scented soaps, plug-ins and candles?

- The same one who lost her husband spending the mortgage on shoes that don't fit.

- That is not why they divorced, Auntie.

- That's what you think!

- Don't mind me, I'm just... breaking in my new shoes.

- And my bank account.

- Anyway, room aromas are a necessary expense.

It sets an ambiance.

Plus, it's a form of therapy.

- Okay, you know what's therapeutic?

The smell of y'all not swiping my card.

- Boy, bye.

- Oh, that reminds of one of those episodes

from "Someone They Knew with Tamron Hall".

You know she's always exposing them backstabbing heifers!

- That's you and that Tablo.

- Don't you talk about my Tablo now.

That's my best friend.

Now, you know I can get all my channels

especially my favorite one,

Bounce TV. Come on, now!

[laughs] But also, I can record.

I can rewind. I can fast-forward and I can pause my shows.

I can even mute you if I wanted to!

Ooh, look at how it worked!

- Hey, hey! It's about to come down out there!

- Hmm!

- Speaking of, we probably need to close, son.

- You're just trying to get off work, Pop.

- That too.

What's for breakfast?

- Anything Aaliyah's burning. That's why I'm eating popcorn.

- Come on, y'all got to keep her out of the kitchen!

[Doorbell Rings]

- I'll get it!

- [stammers] Where'd you get them all-weather Yeezys?

- In the receipts.

- Who was that? - Jehovah's Witness.

[Both] We can hear you!

- Good, 'cause that was your cue to leave!

- Mom, Dad!

What are you doing here?

- We're here for a visit! - For a visit.

- For what?

[♪♪]

- Lucille! - Vivian!

- Hello, Charles. - Lucille.

- Be a doll and find some place for that.

- I'm gonna find some place... - Oh! We are kidders.

We are kidding! - Whole house full of jokes.

House full of laughs!

- God, Vivian, what'd you do, bring the whole house?!

- I tried!

[He Laughs]

Oh, it is, it is so good to see you!

- Give me some sugar! - [laughs] Mwah!

How long y'all gonna be in town?

Why, are you ready for us to leave?

Is it that obvious?

- Can you at least try to get along with Daddy today, hmm?

[Chuckles Nervously]

Ahem, so Mom, Dad, I wish you would've called

to let us know you were coming.

Why, so you could convince us not to come?

Now, what happened to this house?

It's smaller than I remember.

Did you move and forget to tell me?

Trust me, she didn't forget.

No, Mother, I didn't.

- And I see cleaning still isn't part of your regimen.

Oof, and those flowers are hideous!

- Those are mine!

- Well, that figures.

- Ooh, nope, not on my day off.

- You should put this painting away.

It's too poorly executed.

- I think it looks great,

looks just like you!

- Yeah, beautiful, beautiful.

- So, where are my grandkids?

- Jordan's at a friend's house playing,

and, uh, AJ's shooting a commercial.

- I see you're still letting the neighborhood raise your children.

- I am not, Mother.

Actually, Jordan has a scheduled play date

every third Saturday of the month except for holidays.

- Mm-hmm. - And before you ask, yes,

I did a full background check on the child, the parents,

the siblings, the grandparents, and the cousins, even third removed.

- Okay, baby. I gotta go head off to the venue.

- Oh, okay, baby.

Well, don't you want to take Dad with you to show him the space?

- Hell no-- I mean...no.

I mean, uh, he don't want to see me crunching numbers...

- Nonsense, my man!

If you're still driving that Pretense, Premus or what...

[laughs] It cracks me up every time I think about it. Ha!

- It's a Prius! It's a Prius.

- That car is about as manly as a poodle in a dog fight!

[Kimberly Chuckles Nervously]

- Ruff-ruff!

- Why would you do that, hmm?

You know me and your daddy have an understanding.

I don't like him, he don't like me.

- Okay, that's not true, he just needs more time.

- How much time he need, baby?

It's been 20 years!

- Look, are we going or we not going, Pretense Man?

Let's hit it. Come on, man!

- [laughs] Keep going.

He's gonna end up in a home.

[♪♪]

Yep.

Got a new sign, Lucille's, we got a couple of desks, some computers,

we got a gargoyle. Uh, yeah, you wanted to see it?

Here it is. Let's go. - Pretty good.

- Oh, hello, hello, hello! - Hello.

- Mr., uh... - Myers. Charles Myers.

- Mr. Myers, aren't you debonair?

- Well, thank you. - All right, down!

Down! She's, she's, she's in heat.

This is Kimberly's father.

- Oh, so I'm about to be your mother-in-law?

You know, I like them with a little salt and pepper now.

Oh, heavy on the salt! [She Laughs]

Maybe I should take you on a tour.

- I love that idea, I didn't catch your name.

- You can call me Mia, or you can just call me...

- Mia! - Ah...

- Uh, I know, Kimberly's father.

Does he happen to be a widower?

- What did I say? - It don't hurt to ask. Come on, right this way.

Now, you lookin' good!

[♪♪]

[Thunder Rumbles]

Hello?

Come on...

Oh!

- Ooh, what's wrong with you?

You finally got a whiff of yourself?

- I told you to get that lock fixed by a professional.

Not your raggedy cousin down there on 55th.

I did!

Ooh, and his voice was so sexy on the phone.

He was like, "What you need, boo?"

I was like, "The door broke." He was like--

- Mia! - Uh-huh?

When is he coming?

Friday to take me on a date. I'll ask him about the door then.

Okay, just, just, just, just put a sign on the door.

I don't want anybody getting locked in here unless it's you.

Forever! - Whatever.

Man, this is a nice place, man,

but I know you didn't have nothing to do with it-- - No, no, don't!

[Door Slams] [Alfonso Groans]

- There you go!

- "Do not close the door, it's broken."

W-Why didn't you say something?! - I tried.

- I-I don't know what all of this means.

I thought you were having a stroke or something.

[Thunder Booms]

[Door Rattles]

- Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait, wait-- - Unhand me, Thundercat!

- Oh, wait a minute, my airways!

My airways, my passages, I can't breathe, help me!

- Get off of me! - Mia, Mia! Mia!

- Yes, what? - Calm down, calm down.

Look, this is gonna be alright.

- You right. - It's gonna be fine.

- [wheezes] You right, 'cause the faster I panic

and the more I panic, then the faster I will die!

And I'll be doggone if I die faster than my first ex-husband.

No!

- Look, let's just call Pop. - Yeah, call your dad.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Call him, call him.

- No signal. - No signal?

- Oh, Lord! - Oh! Got the landline.

- Yeah, there. - I got the landline.

- Oh, uh, about that. - Mia?

Mia?! - Aaliyah said get the landline,

but I know how you like to save money, so I didn't get it hooked up.

You use your cellphone, I use my cellphone.

I didn't know. We gonna die in here!

Oh! [Alfonso Sighs]

- Uh!

- Lord, let there be air.

- I'm locked in here with a Garanimal.

[Thunder Claps]

[♪♪]

[Henry] Mm, something smells good in here!

[Vivian] German chocolate cake.

[Thunder Booms]

- Oh! - Don't worry, I've got you!

Thank you, Henry, but I'm fine.

- Fine is an understatement, Vivian.

Time to upgrade to foxy!

[She Giggles]

You need to upgrade your eyeglass prescription.

- Ooh! - Aunt Viv,

you have to give me your recipe 'cause your German chocolate cake

is so much better than Kimberly's.

Hello, I'm sitting right here.

I know.

- Well, you know, I stole it from my mother

who stole it from her mother's mother.

So, y'all just a family that steals.

That explains it.

Explains what?

Oh, it just explains why you so good at taking things

that don't belong to you.

Hmm. Well, if it doesn't belong to me,

why is it still with me, huh?

- Um, are we still talking about food, or is this about a man?

- No, no, no, no!

[laughs] This is definitely about a man!

- It's feeling like the Black version of "The Golden Girls".

- No, more like the Real Old Housewives of the Chi.

- Hmm. - Season 101.

[Both Laugh]

[Laughs Mockingly]

That's why I am neverhere when she is.

Well, I've been waiting for you to leave.

Do you help finding the door?

- Daddy, aren't you gonna say something, hmm?

- Uh, I ain't got nothing to say,

other then duck when the plates start flying!

[Thunder Booms]

- That storm is pretty bad.

I should probably check on Daddy and Alfonso.

[Aaliyah] Yes.

That's weird, it still keeps going to voicemail.

- This says there's power outages everywhere.

- Well, I hope they're all right.

- You know, I'm gonna go check on 'em, okay?

- Okay, Daddy. Be careful. - Hurry back.

- Hurry back. - Now, hey, hey, Henry!

It's dark out there, why don't you take this old bat with you?

[♪♪]

[Thunder Booms]

Oh, what I would give for some truffle fries, extra truffle.

And a slice of German chocolate cake.

- Mm! Hey, aren't you diabetic?

- Isn't your cholesterol questionable?

Okay, you don't judge me, I won't judge you.

- Cool. We'll die together. - Cool.

[They Laugh]

I can smell the chocolate, I can smell it right now.

- Yeah, I can too. I thought it was this stain on my shirt.

[Wrapper Crumbling]

- Oh...

Oh, oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no...

No! - No, no!

You should be ashamed of yourself, Silly Wonka!

Over here smuggling chocolate like a disgruntled Oompa Loompa!

- That was my last piece, man!

- I can't, I can't believe it.

I can't believe you would do--

You've been holding out on us this whole time!

- You know, I was hungry, okay? I was hungry.

We don't need all of us dying up in here, somebody gotta live to tell the story.

Might as well be me!

- You, huh? Count Chocula?

You get us locked up in here-- - He got us locked up in here!

- Wait a minute, yo, lighten up on the lady, all right? This is your place of business.

- Excuse me? - Don't get on her because you can't take responsibility

like a real man!

- Hold, hold on, hold up.

Hold up.

What did you say? - Now, I didn't stutter.

You throwing your job descriptions around here

and you can't even take care of your own responsibility.

- Ooh, um, those are fighting words.

Should I grab your bat? - No, no, no, no, no, no. [whispers] I got this.

- No, no, no, no. Evidently, you ain't got this.

You're working two jobs.

You got my grandson out there working to help pay bills,

and now you want Kimberly to work.

Now, she saw something in you back in the day,

but I always knew that you were not the cat for my daughter.

- Now, see, see, wait a minute. Hold up, homie.

Normally, I would be on your side 'cause you fine. Now, you look good,

but not today.

This one right here, he work two jobs because he's loyal.

He believes in AJ's dreams, and Kimberly got a shopping habit.

This is why she choosesto work.

Now, he get on my nerve, but I love him,

and he a good damn father, and he is an amazing husband.

I want one like him.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Look, I just think my daughter deserves

somebody with a little bit more stability.

- He ain't heard nothing I said! - Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, what you talking about, like her ex-boyfriend, Derrick?

- Yeah, like Derrick. - Mm-hmm, every chance you get

to remind my wife about the life she could've had

with the big attorney, huh? - That's right.

Well, why don't we talk about you not being man enough to come to me

instead of prying money out of my wife?

- Excuse me? - Oh, oh, "Excuse me?"

Yeah, you didn't know I knew about the bankruptcy?

And now it's youthat's broke?

Not me.

Ha! One of the benefits of being an accountant.

- Oh, yeah! - But the question is...

..does your wife know?

- Oh, boom, bow!

Checkmate!

[♪♪]

[Vivian] Lucille!

I feel like we need to talk.

I'm in here watching my show,

and here you come in here interrupting me like you some kind of crazy-ass woman.

What is your problem with me?

Well, Vivian,

my problem with you is that you still here!

All right. All right, you want me to go so bad?

I will go.

I'm out!

Fine, that's won-- You know what?

That is the best thing you've said all day!

Ooh, let me get the door, please!

And don't forget anything so you ain't gotta come back.

Ooh, go on now...

Oh, and don't forget your stinky muskrat!

[Vivian Screams]

Crazy girl.

[Doorbell Ringing] - Lucille, open this door!

[Knocks On Door] Lucille, come on now!

Kimberly! [Doorbell Ringing]

Oh, that's okay, Vivian. You gonna be just fine!

Think of it as a spa day,

and you have a warranty on that wig, I'm sure!

Lucille, what are you doing?

What was going on? Mother!

[Both] She started it!

No, no, no, no!

You're the one who betrayed me!

- You know what this is? This is them voices in your head!

It's the trees in yours!

As I recall, you're the one who stopped talking to me!

- Yeah, because you a sleazy, sneaky

backstabbing son of a--

Enough!

Auntie, Mother, you two have been going at it for years

and I'm tired of pretending like it's okay!

This ends today!

[Aaliyah] Yeah.

Somebody say something before I get mybelt!

For my pants, 'cause they're too big...

You know something, little girl? I am gonna say something.

How dareyou act like you don't know?

Know what?

Know that you took my man!

[Both] What?

Yes, baby.

I could have been your mama!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

- I didn't steal Charles from you. You gave him to me!

You know what? I'm bout to take you out!

[Both Gasp] - No, really, you did!

- No, I didn't. You took him!

Don't you remember the night we were supposed to double-date

with Charles and James?

James called me and asked me

if I could take Charles out so that the two of you could be alone together.

Now, I didn't wanna do it,

but I thought I was doing you a favor!

Wait a minute.

So, James set all that up?

He planned everything.

So, that's why James kept defending you.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay, so just so I'm clear,

we're talking about my uncle James, your deceased husband?

Yes, baby, your uncle James.

- Back in the day, we were all in college together.

And James, well honey, he loved him some Lucille,

and he was willing to do anything he could to get next to Lucille!

And me, I was just doing what I thought would make my very best friend happy.

- Okay, I just stopped you two from killing each other,

so I think we should use that title "best friend" loosely.

- No, she's right, baby.

We were thick as thieves.

Nothing could separate us back then.

- Except Charles. - Shut up!

I can't believe I spent all these years believing that you betrayed me.

- Yeah, you waited so long, your husband died.

I said, "Shut up."

You know, James tried to tell me,

but I wouldn't listen, I...

I guess I was just being so...

- Stubborn, hardheaded, bullheaded?

- Okay, okay, that's enough! - Evil, mean, sadity?

- I got the point!

But girl, I just feel terrible. I'm sorry.

And I hope that one day, that you could find it in your heart to forgive me.

[Vivian] Mm-hmm.

Come here, I love you!

I missed you so much!

So, let's get this greenery out of your head.

- Please! - Girl, we have so much to catch up on.

By the way, did you know that Regina died?

No, I thought she was with Lynn!

Girl, Lynn died too.

- My God, they're dropping like flies!

Getting on up out of here.

Let's get on up out of here and get us some wines.

- I need a cocktail. Got something a little stronger? - Ooh, come on.

- You know it. My nephew keeps it in the house.

- Ooh-wee!

- Wow! [She Laughs]

So, let me get this straight.

Your dad was dating my aunt and your mom back-to-back?

Yep.

- And you ain't know? - Nope.

Ooh, they so messy!

Are you sure they really your parents?

Nope!

We might need to call Jerry Springer.

Girl, he dead!

For real?

[♪♪]

If you needed my help,

all you had to do was ask.

And say what, Alfonso?

That I made a few bad investments and I'm behind on my bills?

Betting on Seabiscuit is not an investment.

But it was just so close, man!

Look, look, look, look, look.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is

for a man to go to another man asking for money?

- [scoffs] Probably as embarrassing as it is

for a man to hear his father-in-law talk about his wife's ex.

- Ooh, now see, you wrong for that one-- - Sh, stop!

- Yeah, and Kimberly told me how your father-in-law used to treat you.

- Yeah.

Seems like you paying that forward.

Her dad wanted her to marry a businessman.

This guy named Leroy.

- Wait a minute, you know my cousin Leroy?

- Would you shut up?!

Sheesh!

- Yeah, Leroy owned a few car dealerships

and I didn't own nothing.

Her father looked at him like a goldmine,

and he looked at me like a distraction.

- But Vivian looked at you like the man she loves.

Look, Derrick, yeah he had the money, had a title,

you know, drive a Porsche, indoor pool, outdoor pool--

I should rethink...

No, you know what? He was unfaithful!

Yeah, and he, I think he slept with her best friend.

I heard them talk about that.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You mean that's why she stopped talking to Tracy?

Tiffany, Stacey, and Brandon.

Brandon?!

- He got him too.

Look.

As a father, I understand what wanting the best for your daughter is.

- Yeah.

- But I love Kimberly

with every fiber of my being.

- [Henry] Alfonso! [All Shouting]

- We're in here! - Open the door now, please!

- Yes! Ooh! - Thank you!

- All right, all right!

I was so tired of being in here with them.

I was watching the worst episode of "The Bald and the Broken".

I wanna go!

- What are you, what is going on in here?!

- We were locked in, Dad. - On purpose?!

- Let's just go, let's go, let's go!

[Door Slams]

- Look Alfonso, I owe you an apology.

You're a good man,

and my daughter is damn lucky to have you.

So, listen.

Why don't we just start all over again?

- Under one condition.

- What's that? - Stop running the numbers and acting like it is an investment.

[He Laughs]

Done.

Listen, I'll help you get your money back.

- Okay. - And I'm gonna teach you how to invest the right way.

- That sounds like a plan, son. - Here.

[He Laughs]

- All right, take your coat, Indiana Jones.

Let's get out of here. [He Laughs]

[Door Slams]

[Bangs On Door] Wait, help! Aw!

[Alfonso Groans]

[♪♪]

[Alfonso Laughs]

♪ German chocolate cake

♪ I want to eat some German chocolate cake

♪ Mm, mm-mm...

[Kimberly Sighs] - Oh, no.

You know, I still can't believe that Aunt Lucille

used to date my dad!

I just hate I wasn't there to see your face when you found out.

What, "Ha-ha" or a look that was like... [Gasping]

You know what, shut up, okay?

- Baby, where, where's my cake?

- I don't know where the cake is.

- Whoo! Ha-ha-ha!

That woman knows she can bake!

Handle that for me, partner.

Y'all have a good night now.

Okay, that's it.

Eggman's got to go!