Original subtitles

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy. #

Hey, Lola, want to come round mine this evening and binge watch

Storage Wars Season 94?

Not tonight, Mandy. I have plans. Big plans.

Plans?! What sort of plans?

What you doing planning things without me?

If you must know, Mandy, I have a date.

A date? You? Who with?

Don't be so surprised, Mandy.

I knew if I waited out my 30s and 40s single

I would have my pick of the most eligible suitable divorcees.

Get them in their prime and then clean up with their

- Winter Fuel Payments. - Where did you find him, on an app?

No, Mandy!

Dating apps are for teenagers, perverts and married people.

I went to a respectable dating agency.

They make sure they actually look like their photo

and they check their criminal record

and they give them a proper test of the down below area -

to check if the seed is withered or poisoned.

Saves a lot of time for a busy local businesswoman like myself.

You should try it, Mandy.

You're not getting any younger.

You need a man to share your life and funeral expenses with.

MANDY SCOFFS

Men, who needs 'em?

They're always up to no good.

All of the misery in the world is caused by men.

The News at Ten should be renamed The News of Men.

"What have men been up to today?"

Without men the news would just be,

"Good evening" and "the weather where you are."

Besides, the only man I've ever fancied is Paddy McGuinness

and he's never going to look twice at little Mandy Carter.

He could have any woman he wants.

Ah, he's here. Purrr! In his ports car.

- His sports car? - No, his ports car.

He works at the harbour.

DOORBELL DINGS

- Ready, Lol-err? - Coming!

Oh, Mandy, can you lock up for me, please?

Have a lovely time on your own.

See you!

DOORBELL DINGS

Oh, cheeky!

Bye.

MUSIC: Mr Lonely by Bobby Vinton

# Lonely

# I'm Mr Lonely

# I have nobody

# For my own

# I'm so lonely

# I'm Mr Lonely

# Wish I had someone

# To call on the phone

# Now I'm a soldier

# A lonely soldier

# Away from home... #

Oh, sorry. You must be Mandy. Do take a seat.

I'm June.

So, what's brought you to Full Moon Introductions?

What do you think?

I don't want me gas meter reading. I'm on the shelf, aren't I?!

Well, you've come to the right place.

We have a lot of experience in finding matches

for the unappealing older spinster.

Right, let's get started, shall we?

If you'd like to fill in this form with your likes and your dislikes.

JUNE TYPES SPEEDILY

- There, finished. - Oh, that was quick!

Yeah, well, I don't really like anything.

I especially don't like filling out forms

and there wasn't a question about whether I like Magic Eye pictures

- so I just stuck that in at the bottom. - Lovely. OK.

Well, let me just feed this form into the dating computer.

WHIRRING

Right, just a few more questions.

Do you have any idea about age range?

I haven't really thought about it.

Hmm, well, I think it's best to keep it as wide as possible.

I tell you what, I'll put 9-99, like the playing age of Jenga.

Nine?! I'm not a paedo!

Oh! Oh, no!

No, you're right, not nine.

No. Not nine.

Erm, 19?

Hmm? That feels better, doesn't it?

And have you had any thoughts about the type of man you'd like to meet?

No, I've got very low standards.

Oh, well, I think that's right, at your age.

I mean, we don't want to get your hopes up too high.

There's not much left at the bottom of the barrel.

Right!

Shall we see who the computer has matched you up with?

OK! Here we go.

Oh, I've got good news, Mandy.

A match has been found.

Oh, his name's Gavin.

And I think you two are going to get on famously.

What you drinking?

# Carling Black Label. #

You don't say much, do you?

You know what they say, "It's good to talk."

Have you ever seen a ghost?

My friend had a ghost.

It terrorised her in her small back bedroom.

Not a euphemism!

Sorry. Sorry, how old are you?!

- You should never ask a lady her age! - You are so old.

You fucking pig!

So, Mandy, how did it go with Gavin?

- It were a fucking nightmare. - Aw.

He didn't get any of me references!

It's not like I were going on about Clements Attlee or Frankie Vaughan!

He'd never heard of The Flumps!

I mean, come on! Educate yourself.

Well, let's move on. Maybe he was a little bit too young for you.

A bit?! I've got bras older than him!

Anyway, another match has been found

and this one's a bit more your age,

whatever that is,

and his name is Robert.

Which I think is a lovely name, isn't it?

- Mandy? - Robert?

- Yeah. - You're in a wheelchair.

Noticed that, did ya? You're eagle-eyed.

Well, it's just they didn't mention it at the dating agency.

- It shouldn't matter, should it? - No.

Would you have agreed to go on a date with me

- if you knew I was in a wheelchair? - Yeah, absolutely.

Cos if they'd told me you dressed like an Eastern European prostitute

I might not've turned up.

That's a bit fucking rich. At least my legs work, mate.

I'd rather be in a wheelchair than have a walk like yours.

- What's wrong with me walk?! - You look like a fucking limbo dancer!

You fucking...

Look, let's start again, shall we?

It's like we've got off on the wrong...

- Sorry. - Let's just get this over with.

MANDY SIGHS

So, er, what do you think of this dating lark?

- Awful. - Tell me about it.

My last date was so young he didn't know who The Flumps were.

- Didn't know who The Flumps were?! - Mm.

- I remember The Flumps. I used to love them. - Yeah.

# Duh-duh

# Do-do

# Ta-dah-dah-dah. #

# Do-do-do-do-do. #

MUSIC: Scoobidoo Love, Choir and Orchestra Charlie Steinmann

# It is such a good night to dance

# It is such a good night to scoobidoo doobidoo

# Scoobidoo doobidoo

# Scoobidoo doobidoo love. #

Oh, my God. That's so funny!

Do you want to maybe go and watch a film

and have something to eat?

I thought you'd never ask.

- All right, I'll call us a taxi. - Great.

- Bit higher. - Right, here we go. - Not too hard.

BANGS

Hang on, a bit higher.

SHE GRUNTS

Right, this time.

Hang on, one more go.

Hang on.

Hang on.

SHE GRUNTS

And we're in.

Oh, you've got a bit of a nosebleed.

Hang on, let me get a tissue.

I don't get nosebleeds but I've got a friend who

suffers from them constantly.

There we are.

Right, we're on our way.

MUSIC: Scoobidoo Love, Choir and Orchestra Charlie Steinmann

# It is such a good night to kiss

# It is such a good night to dance

# It is such a good night to scoobidoo doobidoo

# Scoobidoo doobidoo

# Scoobidoo doobidoo love. #

Eh, it's lovely in here, in't it?

It's a bit dark, though. I can barely see the menu.

Christ. Oh!

Oh, shit! Oh, Christ!

Oh!

GUESTS GASP

Oh, my God!

Shit, I'm sorry about that.

Don't worry, madam. It happens all the time.

We have another table for you just over here.

Right.

Oh...

Ooh, that's really shaken me up, that.

It didn't seem to bother you.

You're cool as a cucumber, aren't you?

Have you decided what you'd like to eat yet?

Yeah, I think we're ready to order, aren't we?

Yeah, can I have the risotto, please?

No starter?

No, I don't believe in starters.

I think it's just a way of getting more money out of you.

And for you, sir?

Are you not hungry?

Bring two forks - he might buck up.

'Ey, there's meant to be a cluster of shooting stars tonight.

You don't fancy going up Benders Hill with me, do you,

and watching the night sky?

Never seen a shooting star before. Have you?

I had such a lovely time this evening, Robert.

For the first time, I feel seen.

And you're such a good listener.

When I set that table on fire,

you were so calm, didn't make a fuss.

Oh, look, a shooting star!

Oh! Robert, it's a sign.

I've never been so sure of anything before in my entire life.

Robert...

Robert, will you marry...?

Robert?

Robert?!

Robert...!

MANDY SOBS

He must've just run off.

I thought you said he was in a wheelchair.

Wheeled off, then! Whatever, he's gone.

There's no-one, Lola.

No-one.

I'm gonna die alone.

PHONE RINGS

CHEERILY: 'Ello?

Hello, Mandy. It's June.

- SING-SONG VOICE: - I've got good news! A match has been found for you!

Oh, no. No, thanks. I've given up on all that now.

My heart's not strong enough.

Oh, I really think this is someone you should meet.

What? Who? Who is it?

Well, it's not information I can divulge on the telephone,

I'm afraid, but if you come to the office

I think it'll be worth your while.

Paddy fucking McGuinness?!

According to the computer, you are the perfect match for each other.

And when I showed him your photo he sounded very positive.

- And this is a man who knows about dating. - I don't believe it.

I've made a reservation for you both tonight for a drink

at Hotel du Maisonmal at 8pm.

I do hope you can make it.

DOORBELL DINGS

Oh, my God, Mandy!

Are you OK? What has happened?

I'm going to go on a date with Paddy McGuinness.

Amazing! "No lighty, no likey!"

- Will you help me get ready, Lola? - Of course, Mandy!

You need to pull out all the stops this time.

You don't want another disaster like Robert.

- Who? - Robert.

The man in the wheelchair you were about to propose to

- and he ran away. - Oh, that cunt.

I can't even remember what I saw in him.

Hey, how's your romance with Captain Birdseye going?

I caught him cheating on our pre-nup,

trying to hide an ISA from me.

It's all over.

Anyway, Mandy, you want to look approachable but not a pushover,

smart but not a snob,

sophisticated but relaxed.

I am thinking...

MUSIC: She's A Lady by Tom Jones

# Well, she's all you'd ever want

# She's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner

# Well, she always knows her place

# She's got style, she's got grace

# She's a winner

# She's a lady

# Whoa, whoa, whoa she's a lady

# Talking about that little lady. #

MUSIC STOPS

- Good evening, madam. - Hiya.

- What would you like to drink? - Um...

What does Jon Hamm drink in Mad Men?

That would be an old-fashioned, madam.

- Can I have one of them? - Excellent choice.

- Enjoy. - Ta.

- Here you are, madam. - Ta.

Ta.

Good evening, sir. What would you like to drink?

Oh, er, what does Jon Hamm drink in Mad Men?

That would be an old-fashioned, sir.

- I'll have one of them. - Coming right up.

- Enjoy. - Thank you.

MANDY SNORES

MUSIC: Addicted to Love by Robert Palmer

# The lights are on

# But you're not home

# You're mind is not your own

# Your heart sweats

# Your body shakes

# Another kiss is what it takes

# You can't sleep

# Ooohh... #

No likey.

Hello, June. Yeah, it's Paddy.

McGuinness.

Another no-show, I'm afraid.

I can't believe it either.

I used to be a catch.

They'd be queuing up round the block.

No, no, balls to it. I'm going home.

See if I can catch the last 20 minutes of whatever

Ant and fucking Dec are doing.

MANDY SNORES

LOUD BANG

Paddy McGuinness!

Who was I kidding?

He was never going turn up for little Mandy Carter.

- Cheer up, love! - Fuck off!

# You're going to have to face it you're addicted to love

# Might as well face it you're addicted to love

# Might as well face it you're addicted to love

# Might as well face it you're addicted to love

# Might as well face it you're addicted to love

# Might as well face it you're addicted to love! #