Original subtitles

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy... #

LOUD SNORING

QUIET CLATTERING

SHE SNORES

CLATTERING

Who's there?

I have nothing of value.

Mm. Seed...or rat droppings?

As I thought.

Rat droppings.

Lola, I've got an infestation!

Oh, no.

Don't worry. The doctor can give you a milkshake to kill their eggs.

And the rest, you can pick out your bumhole with tweezers.

Eh?!

That is the treatment for infestation of worms.

I've not got worms! It's a rat.

In your bumhole?!

No! In me house!

How do I get rid of it?

Well, I think you can get a man round to kill the rat,

but it can be very expensive.

£100 at least.

Oh, I can't afford that.

Well, you can try doing it yourself

by watching YouTube videos and buying traps that don't work.

Maybe you should visit the hardware store at the bottom of the road.

- That's a good idea. - Uh-huh.

How'd you know so much about worms?

A... A friend had them.

MUSIC: Ratata by Skrillex, Missy Elliott, & Mr Oizo

# This the kind of beat that go ratata. #

DING!

Got a rat.

I can't help you with that.

For that, you need pest control.

It's completely different companies than this one.

How can I help you?

- Weren't you on the...? - It's for tax purposes.

- How can I help you? - I've got a rat.

I can do a home visit.

£200 plus VAT.

200 quid?! It's a rat, not an anaconda.

Then you can use this expandable foam.

Fill all the holes in your home with this one,

so rat cannot enter into your property.

- How much is this? - It's 5.99 plus VAT.

Yeah, I'll take a couple. Don't want to leave any gaps for it.

# Je suis le dauphin de la place Dauphine

# Et la place Blanche a mauvaise mine

# Les camions sont pleins de lait

# Les balayeurs sont pleins de balais

# Il est cinq heures

# Paris

# S'eveille

# Paris

# S'eveille. #

Yeah. The man in the shop told me to fill all the gaps in the house.

- LOLA: - What time is Celebrity Round The World Race on?

But I'm a bit worried because I think I've used too much

and I can't get into the bathroom now.

- It really expands a lot. - It's on now. Bye, Mandy.

- CONTESTANT: - Father and son, living it up in the Amazon.

Oh!

QUIET SQUEAKING

- CONTESTANT: - Jeremy and I were really ready for an adventure.

I want to eat, pray, love the hell out of...

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

It's all right.

They'll never make it to Helsinki by 6 o'clock, will they?

RAT CHITTERS

Do you want some of this?

Come to get my money back on this. I only needed the one.

It expands a lot, doesn't it?

I had to tunnel me way out the front door with a teaspoon.

- Did it get rid of rats? - No.

Spent the evening watching Race Around The World with it.

I quite like it. I think I'll keep it.

You can't keep the rat.

They spread diseases like Black Death and HIV positive.

In that case, you need this rat poison.

Rat will eat it and will just go...

5.99 plus VAT.

Oh, I couldn't kill it.

Not before the series finale.

In that case, you need this.

Human trap? What good is that? I don't want to trap a human.

- Doesn't look big enough. - Not human. It's humane.

It doesn't kill the rat

so you have to take it about two miles away from your house,

otherwise it finds its way back.

What, has it got sat nav, or something?

I'll take it.

# Ratata, rata-ta-ta-ta-ta. #

Listen, Ratty, I know you can hear me.

I'm really sorry, but you're going to have to leave.

We can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

The easy way,

you walk into this trap,

eat the peanut butter,

and then I take you two miles away.

The hard way,

you do not want to know about.

Oh! Well done, Ratty!

Aww.

- AUTOMATED VOICE: - You've reached the voicemail of...

Lola Okinedo Akimbo.

Please leave a message.

BEEP

Hiya, Lola. It's Mandy. Ey, I've caught that rat.

I have to take it two miles away, though.

So you couldn't give me a lift, could you?

Otherwise, I'll have to get the bus.

RAT CHITTERS

Aww.

I can't leave you in there.

Come on.

# Uh

# Uh

# This the kind of This the kind of, this the kind of

# This the kind of This the kind of, this the kind of

# This the kind of beat that go ratata

# Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

# This the kind of beat that go ratata

# Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

# This the kind of beat that go ratata

# Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. #

Two miles away, please.

You ain't got a rat in there, have you?

No.

Good. I hate rats.

Get off, you bloody pervert!

RAT SQUEAKS

Oh.

God, me rat's gone.

Not me rat. My keys! I've lost my keys.

Ah! It's a rat!

- Where? - Ah! Ah!

Oh, my God, the driver's fainted!

Stop it! Stop the bus!

I don't know how!

I haven't even done my theory yet.

The brake. Press the brake!

Which one's the brake?

It's the pedal on the floor.

Not that one! That's the accelerator.

The brake's the other one.

Brake! Hit the brake!

I can't! My rat's under this pedal.

If I press the brake, I'll kill the rat.

If you don't, we'll all die.

Yeah, but I don't know any of you.

And I've made friends with this rat.

We watch Race Around The World together.

HORN HONKS

It looks like we've got company.

Mandy!

HORN HONKS

Mandy!

Mandy!

Lola!

Open the door!

Drive straight. Stay in this lane.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God!

Ah!

As soon as I got your call, I knew you would need my help.

Thank God you're here, Lola.

Where is the rat?

He's underneath the pedal. That's why I can't slow down.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please remain calm.

My name is Lola Okinedo Akimbo,

and I am here to deal with the situation.

- We will deal with the rat shortly. - Who are you?

Are you police or MI5?

No. I'm a fully qualified nail technician.

Although I cannot operate in the Channel Islands

due to an ongoing court case.

Don't worry about the rat, Lola.

We've got bigger problems.

- What is it? - The bridge is down.

What are we going to do? What are we going to do?!

There's no time to remove the rat.

You'll have to speed up.

Foot down hard on the accelerator, Mandy.

Floor it! Floor it, Mandy.

Do you go to the big Asda?

Not now!

- You need the 276 for the big Asda. - Oh.

- Or you could take the number 19 and then cross over on the bridge. - Ah.

Hold on!

Faster!

Hold on, everyone.

Keep it steady.

I can't look!

THEY SCREAM

THEY ALL YELL

Oh, God!

Oh! Oh...

Are you OK, Mandy?

Yeah. I'm all right.

Is everybody OK?

We made it!

PASSENGERS CHEER

Hooray!

Lola, you're the best.

Thank you.

I was the one doing the driving.

Keep your eye on the road, Mandy, while I deal with this little one.

Got him! You can stop now, Mandy.

This must be two miles away.

Let me take over the driving now.

You're not coming, Lol?

Someone has to get this baby back to the depot.

You're on your own now, Mandy.

Good luck.

RAT SQUEAKS

Are you sure this is two miles away?

Exactly two miles.

Better let it go, then.

You know, I never thought we'd get one in these humane traps.

RAT SQUEAKS

Go. Come on, go, go, go.

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# There's a rat in mi kitchen

# What am I gonna do?

# There's a rat in mi kitchen

# What am I gonna do?

# I'm gonna fix that rat

# That's what I'm gonna do

# I'm gonna fix that rat

# When you open your mouth you don't talk, you shout

# And you give everybody the blame

# When they catch you up they will shut you up

# And you got no-one to blame

# There's a rat in mi kitchen

# What am I gonna do?

# There's a rat in mi kitchen

# What am I gonna do?

# I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do. #