Original subtitles

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy. #

Ey, Lola, some dickhead's gone and bred a strain of giant bees.

I'll bet it was a man.

Of course it was a man!

Women haven't got time to breed a strain of giant bees.

We're too busy.

Did you hear about the Banksy?

The what?

Banksy. The artist.

He has done another very clever satirical painting

on the side of the library.

What do they look like?

Well, he'll do things like two policemen kissing

or a very big mouse holding a balloon.

Very clever.

Everyone is talking about it.

I hope he does another one on the front of the salon.

They will bring so much money to the area.

How?

Well, hopefully, when people visit to see the Banksy,

they will come in and get some acrylic tips put on -

- make a day of it. - Oh, right.

Might go and see it.

- See if I can squeeze it in before the Jobcentre. - Mm-hm.

Fool's Gold by The Stone Roses

Hey, Lee!

Lee!

Sorry, Mandy. Noise-cancelling.

- Where are you off to? - Going to go and look at a painting.

That doesn't sound like you.

No, well, I'm at a bit of a loose end.

- Not working, then? - I'm not good at anything.

- What are you up to? - This and that.

I've got to go away for a while tomorrow.

- Oh, what, holiday is it? - Sort of.

The thing is, I've got no-one to water me plants.

- You wouldn't be up for doing it? - Oh, I don't know.

All's you got to do is let yourself in

and water the plants.

Hang out, watch TV while you're there.

I've got a big screen.

- How big? - 65 inch. 4K.

I'll do it.

And there'd be a few quid in it for you.

- Sounds right up my street. - Great.

Come back to mine, I'll give you the spare key.

Forget the painting.

- But I've never seen a Banky. - I have.

Essentially, they all look the fucking same.

Here you go.

I'll leave some instructions in the hall.

The main thing is,

DON'T LET THEM DIE!

Or we'll both be in a lot of trouble.

What sort of trouble?

Oh, nothing. Forget about it.

But DON'T LET THEM DIE.

Here you go.

Ta. Have a nice holiday, Lee, I'll see you soon.

Cheers, Mandy. I will.

Er, I'll text you when I'm coming back, yeah?

- Yeah. See ya. - All right.

OK, here we are.

Have you ever worked in a fish and chip shop before?

No.

Well,

they say - no experience required, they'll train you up on the job.

Mm, lucky old me.

Shall I give them a ring?

- Do what you like. - Oh, my G...

I'll give them a ring, then. Honestly, your attitude...

..absolutely stinks.

Oh, hi. Is that Le Chippery?

Oh. No, I don't want to order anything.

No, no. God, no.

No, I'm just... I'm calling from the Jobcentre.

Yeah, I've got someone here who is

extremely interested in your trainee position.

Oh. OK! Great!

Um, yeah, no problem.

Fantastic! I'll pass it on.

Well, Mandy, it's your lucky day.

They're absolutely desperate.

They say you don't need to interview for the position.

You just turn up tonight at 6pm.

OK? It's minimum wage,

but you do get all the green chips you can eat.

Mm-hm. I thought you'd like that.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

SHE READS ALOUD

Bloody hell, he likes it hot in here.

He must have forgotten to turn the thermostat off.

Zoo Be Zoo Be Zoo by Sophia Loren

# Zoo be zoo be zoo

# Zoo be zoo be zoo

# Zoo be zoo be zoo Zoo be zoo, zoo be zoo

# Means that I love you!

# Zoo be zoo be zoo

# Zoo be zoo be zoo

# Zoo be zoo be zoo Zoo be zoo, zoo be zoo... #

Fuck me,

he loves his plants.

# Here's a simple idea for you... #

Naked In The Rain by Blue Pearl

# I'm in over my head

# Fire fills me, hot and red

# Raging like a blood red sun

# Fire fuelled by deeds undone

# Burning and I just can't wait to give a helping hand to fate

# Change this crazy world around First we gotta cool down

# Take me dancing naked in the rain

# Feel it washing over me, Oh, oh... #

SHE COUGHS

# Join me dancing... #

Uh...

Turn that down.

Save him a fortune.

JINGLE PLAYS

Let's see how the Red team is doing.

Sue and Jeff think this toasting fork...

They'll never get 60 quid for...

..for that lamp!

SHE CHUCKLES

Look at the fucking state of it!

SHE SIGHS SOFTLY

It's back to the drawing board for the Red team,

which they think will net them a tasty £300.

Pointless Theme Tune

Thank you very much. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong,

and welcome to Pointless.

Pointless?! How long have I been asleep for?

Oh, fuck me, I'm late.

- Are you from Jobcentre? - Yeah.

- You are late! - I know, sorry, I fell asleep.

You work in chip shop before?

No, but I've spent a lot of time in them.

You know? And sometimes, if I can't afford chips,

I'll just come in and look at the saveloys under the hot lamp.

This is for you.

Oh, you fucking...!

This is your first and ONLY training session.

Pay attention!

You do chips. I do fish.

Chips easy.

Fish hard.

- I - do fish. Understand?

Yeah, yeah, I understand.

See this?

- Chips. - Chips.

See this?

- Hot fat. - Hot fat.

200 degrees. Put chips in.

Wait!

- Take chips out. - Take chips out.

Easy.

You think even YOU can do it?

Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah.

I do fish. MUCH harder.

Very skilled job.

This fish batter...

- Do not touch! - Agh!

- Oh...! - You good at chips,

you learn fish in maybe four...

..five years. Understand?

Yeah, I understand, it's a long-term career. I get it.

So now, it's going to get very busy here.

- Is it? - I'll go get fish from freezer.

YOU, make chips. Make chips!

SIZZLING

What?! What is happening here?

You let chips burn!

You just stand there!

What is the meaning of this?!

You burn many chips - that comes out of your pay.

You must pay attention!

You are stupid lady!

You fucking bitch!

Agh!

SIZZLING AND SCREAMING

Er, two cod and chips, please.

Can you wait 15 minutes for the chips?

Mm.

Interview at Radcliffe Police Station.

For the purpose of the tape, those present - DCI Shaun Lambert,

DS Colin Butler and Mandy Carter.

You can't smoke in here, Mandy.

What about Sharon Stone? She smoked in HER police interview.

And she wasn't wearing any pants.

I always wear 'em.

You never know when you might get run over by a tram.

Or arrested.

Mandy, do you know why you're here?

What is it this time? Doing a job for the cash

and not telling the social

while billionaires fiddle their books to avoid paying tax?

Grievous bodily harm.

And supplying cannabis.

What?! I've done neither.

Remember this? Mm?

Mrs Tanaka at Le Chippery?

You know what we could do you for -

battery!

HE CHUCKLES

Do you get it? Ba...

- Not now, Colin. - Sorry.

Do you recognise that woman?

Yeah, but she was a nutjob, she pushed me too far.

Have you not got a legal representative

that's supposed to be here for you?

They said they'd send me a lawyer but no-one's turned up yet.

Look, let's just get on with it, shall we?

Knowing you lot, you'll fit me up anyway.

Do yourself a favour, sweetheart, and get yourself a lawyer!

A good one.

Yeah. DS Butler's got a good point.

Maybe we should just...give him a few more minutes to get here.

CLATTER

- Sorry I'm late. - For the purpose of the tape,

the suspect's lawyer has just entered the room

on an e-scooter.

You know those things are illegal on public highways?

And pavements.

Of course I know. I'm a lawyer, aren't I?

Anyway, I'm not on the pavement -

I'm inside the room.

- Hello, I'm Mark. I'm your legal representative. - Mm.

Move over, OJ, I've got my own fucking Dream Team.

Just say "no comment" to everything,

like they do on the television.

What are the charges against my client?

Grievous bodily harm and supplying cannabis.

Bloody hell.

I normally do parking.

Do you recognise this man?

Yeah, that's my mate, Lee.

Yeah, well, your mate is wanted by Interpol

for supplying cannabis. Any idea where he is?

Said he had to go away for a while.

He will be going away for a while if WE catch up with him.

A LONG while!

There is a way out of this for you, Mandy.

We can make you a deal.

You let us know when Lee's back in the country,

and we'll get you a reduced sentence on the cannabis charge.

And we'll even turn a blind eye on that chip shop incident.

Deadly ASSAULT and vinegar!

- Colin, not now. - Sorry.

What do you think?

No comment.

BELL DINGS

How did it go at court?

- Eh? - I said, how did it go at court?

Oh, I have to do community service.

I've already started.

They've given me a jet-washer

and I have to get all the chewing gum and muck off the streets.

I quite like it.

How much do you have to do?

100 hours.

That's not much for a drugs charge, is it?

No, well,

I had a good lawyer.

Hey, these...these vegetarian sausage rolls from Werzel's

are incredible. You wouldn't know it wasn't meat.

Oh, 'ello! Look who it is.

Suspect is approaching the property.

OH, SWEET JESUS!

Suspect is now inside the property.

Suspect is on foot.

Mandy, what the hell have you done?!

Go, go, go!

Ring me back as soon as you get this message!

Lee Smith, you're under arrest -

possession of cannabis plants with the intent to supply!

Intent to supply?

Supply what? Dead plants?

Oh...thank you, Mandy Carter.

Naked In The Rain by Blue Pearl

Oh, fucking hell, that looks awful.

Soon have that shit off.

# In over my head... #

It's a Banksy!

# Fire fills me, hot and red... #

SHOUTING

# Raging like a blood red sun... #

SHOUTING

# Fire fuelled by deeds undone. #

- Get her down! Someone get her down! - Bloody idiot!

SHOUTING AND PROTESTING

What?!

Oh.

I got that graffiti off.

As an apology, cos of your face.

Is that job still going?

Mandy Carter,

I HATE YOU!

# Aimer toujours le meme homme

# C'est des histoires a la gomme

# L'amour mon vieux c'est tout comme

# Du bubble, bubble gum. #