Original subtitles

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy... #

- You wanted to see me? - Take a seat, Mandy.

Mandy, how long have you been working at the call centre now?

Oh, quite a while now.

About three hours?

Three-and-a half maybe, if you don't count lunch?

Look, is this about me getting into a fight with my supervisor?

Because he started it.

Said I wasn't allowed to smoke if I'm on the phone.

But I can't think of anything to say if I'm not smoking.

It's nothing to do with that.

Mandy, do you know what message always plays

just before a call is answered?

Er, "Your call is important to us,

"but we're experiencing unexpectedly high call volumes,

"so please visit the website instead,

"because we don't want to hire any more staff"?

No, after that.

"Calls may be recorded for training purposes."

Oh, yeah, but, I mean, you don't actually do that.

I mean, who'd want to listen back to all those calls?

I do.

You record it on cassettes still?

It's much better audio quality than digital.

And once I've listened, I can use it to make

a mixtape for a friend.

This is you at 10.15am today.

- ON TAPE: - But it's been six weeks now, can't I just get a refund?

You can take your fucking refund,

shove it up your shit pipe, mate.

He was chancing his arm! Scammer.

I was saving the company money.

This is you at 10.55am.

No. No, you can't talk to my manager, you fucking bell end.

11.10am.

You shit-for-brains wanker.

Knob off, you dick.

Refund? Get fucked!

Oh, I'm not listening to this, you knobhead.

You're a fucking moron, mate.

Go on, off you piss.

TAPE RECORDER CLICKS OFF

What have you got to say for yourself Mandy?

Well, firstly, can I say that I'm very touched

and extremely honoured that you've chosen tapes of me

to use for training others.

It's probably the first time in my life I've been used as

some sort of educational role model.

Also, do I get some sort of bonus for providing these training tapes?

These are going to be used for training purposes, Mandy.

For training people what NOT to say.

- Eh?! - Mandy, you're fired.

Effective immediately.

I'm going to need your badge and your gun.

Sorry, I-I mean, I'm going to need your headset and your key fob

to the gender-neutral toilets.

Aren't you meant to give me two weeks' notice or something?

Oh, no, Mandy. No, you've brought the call centre into disrepute,

so I can fire you immediately without notice, or payment,

or HR sticking their nervous little beaks in.

I'd ring up and complain, but I know I'd never get through!

Goodbye, Mandy.

Not paying me?

All right. I'm takin' this, then.

COMPUTER CHIMES

Windows 95.

That's exciting.

Come on. Why's it not doing anything?

SHOP BELL JANGLES

Mandy! What are you doing here?

- Shouldn't you be at the call centre? - Got let go.

They have to make hard choices in the ever-worsening

global economic situation.

They always start with the little people, don't they?

Did they give you any sort of pay-out?

No. I got a computer out of it.

But it just sits there, not doing anything.

I mean, I can do that myself.

Have you connected it to the internet?

- The what? - The internet.

The information super motorway?

The W-W-W-W-W-dot?

The wide, wide world web?

With it, you can do all sorts of things with a computer.

You can watch old TV clips, rate plumbers,

say if people are hot or not.

Ha! The world is your Oyster card.

How do I do that?

You need to get band-broad.

The faster, the better.

Sounds complicated.

Other people seem to manage it.

You just call the band-broad people.

All right. I'll see what I can do.

- I'm off now, Lola. See you later. - Thank you, my dear.

BABY FUSSES

- God bless you. - Thank you.

- Eh-heh. - Who were that? - Suzy.

I've rented the flat upstairs to her on Airbnb.

That's another thing you can do on the internet.

Poor girl and her new baby.

Nowhere else would take her.

So, now I can charge her a fortune for her rent.

Can you believe it, Mandy?

I have reinvented myself into a mum landlord!

Don't you need certificates to rent a place out?

Get all your electrics checked by the council, or summat?

No, you don't need to bother with anything like that.

Not on the internet.

There are no rules on the net.

I've just kitted out the place out with a few things

that I bought from eBay.

Very cheap.

I'm sure they're all in very good condition.

SHE CHUCKLES

ELECTRICAL SPARKING

HOLD MUZAK PLAYS OVER PHONE

Hello? How can I help?

Erm, hello.

- Er, I'd like to sign up for your band-broad, please. - OK.

Let me just see if there are any packages available in your area.

If you could give me your postcode, and then...

Hang, on is that you from the call centre?

Is... Is that Mandy Carter?

- Oh! I'm not dealing with that prick. - Not dealing with that fucking idiot.

SHE SIGHS

See what I can do.

The Smiths?

That's them from next door.

Let's put my old password in.

"Password."

All right, let's try "password"...

..but the O is a zero.

Oh, fuck me! They are crafty.

What they trying to hide?

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

Excuse me? Mr Smith?

What's the name of your dog?

- Bobby! - Thank you.

B-O-B-B-Y.

Oh, fuck me! They are devious.

What about "Bobby"...

..but, again, the O is a zero?

Yes! We're in!

Now, to take a drive down the information hyper-subway.

Bonanza.

BONANZA THEME PLAYS

Yes...

He's generating speed with his back legs,

and his balance is good!

You're not getting any younger, are you?

Kim and Khloe take India.

Was I meant to be a princess, or what?!

Pavements remain very dangerous.

It's a glimpse into the centre of the Earth.

Realising it's not worth the risk...

But behind the public facade of Royal duty

was a hidden secret life of marital betrayal.

What do all these people have in common?

Well, all of them hide a dark and cold secret

just beneath their artificial skin.

Four teenagers and a 12-year-old...

I don't know what I'm seeing here, but it's just insane.

Covid-19 strain...

- Get the - BLEEP - outta here! - I will go!

She's a human!

Is it any wonder people are afraid of technology?

VOICES OVERLAP

Only Kim K can make construction materials look cool...

VOICES STOP

SHE SOBS

SHOP BELL JANGLES

Mandy! Are you OK?

You look very pale.

Went down a wormhole last night, Lola.

You're thin, Mandy, but I didn't think you could fit

- down a worm's hole. - An internet wormhole!

I spent all night on social media,

comparing myself to Kim Kardashians.

Now I feel worthless about my body image.

I blame the internet.

I now have very low self-esteem.

I didn't even know what self-esteem was until yesterday -

I had to google it.

You can't go comparing yourself to Kim Kardashian, Mandy.

It doesn't make sense.

You'll never be as good as her.

No. No, I'll never be as good as her,

with her dream life all built on hard work and talent.

But I can try and look more like her.

I'm going to get plastic surgery, Lole.

It's the only thing that might make me feel any better.

I'm going to get bum implants.

Implants?! Ah!

They can be very expensive, Mandy.

Especially if you get both bum cheeks done.

Well, I won't walk around with one fat cheek and one thin one, am I?

What'll that do for me low self-esteem?

A good implant can cost £20,000.

Even I would charge 10,000.

And that is mate's rates.

And cutting corners.

There must be a cheaper way.

Er, 'scuse me?

- I-Is this 117 B-Back... - Yes, that's it.

So, do you want shish or doner?

Or we have very nice chicken? Very nice.

Oh, no, I'm not here to eat.

I thought this was a plastic surgery clinic?

I'm here for bum implants.

- Yes! You must be Mandy. - Yeah.

Ah, yes, we have been expecting you.

- Let me give these a quick clean before the procedure, OK? - Yeah.

Come through. Come, Mandy, come, come, come.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT HE COUGHS

COUGH ECHOES

Oh! Hold on.

- Help? - No. - OK.

This way.

So...how big you want bum?

The bigger, the better, really.

Erm, at least as big as Kim Kardashian's, if not bigger.

- You like Kim Kardash? - Yeah.

You know she has all her work done here?

- Really? Kim came here? - Yes!

We have her photo here, look. Look, look.

- What else did she have done? - Everything.

She had everything done.

Her tits, bum, er, teeth, lips, everything.

Maybe I'll get me lips done, as well.

We do the bum first, then I'll throw in the lips. OK?

- Done. - Any garlic sauce with that?

- What? - Ah, sorry.

- Habit. - Oh. - OK.

Sit down. OK?

Lie back.

Relax.

You are in the hands of a professional.

- The other... - Oh, yeah.

This is the bum.

MUSIC: Milkshake by Kelis

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

# And they're like, it's better than yours

# Damn right, it's better than yours

# I could teach you but I'd have to charge

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

# And they're like, it's better than yours

# Damn right, it's better than yours

# I could teach you but I'd have to charge

# I know you want it

# The thing that makes me

# What the guys go crazy for... #

SHOP BELL JANGLES

Mandy! You are back!

How was Istanbul?

It is filled with history there, isn't it?

- So romantic. - Romantic?

It were mainly men spitting.

But the good news is, I got me arse done.

What do you think?

Take that, Kim Kardashian!

Got me lips done, too.

Two-for-one - get one lip done, get the other lip free.

Er... It looks a little bit sore.

Said they'd settle down after a couple of months.

Well, let me take a closer look at this famous bum.

Whoa! It is big.

Very big!

Is it getting bigger?

No! This is as big as they said it could be,

otherwise it'd rupture and I'd never be able to sit down again.

Imagine having to spend your whole life standing up.

It'd be like being a Beefeater, or summat.

No, it's definitely getting bigger.

The bigger, the better, eh, Lole?

Er, I don't think that is true, Mandy.

Look, go and lay down.

I want to inspect your bum implants.

Ah. Mandy?

What did they use in the implant? Silicone or saline?

Oh, nothing like that.

- What, then? - Fat.

- What?! - Lamb fat, from the kebab meat.

They keep a load of it in old ice-cream tubs.

That is not very hygienic, Mandy!

It's like something out of Gordon Ramsay's Nightmare Kitchens.

I said no at first, cos I'm trying to be vegetarian,

but they said it wasn't like I was eating the stuff,

and that it was natural - unlike these man-made implants.

Mandy, there is definitely something wrong with your bum.

I think there's an infection.

But what I can do for you, Mandy, for a small fee,

because we are best friends, is to drain the abscess with

a hot needle and take away the infection.

Get the pus out.

- Would you like me to do that for you, Mandy? - Yes, please, Lola!

OK.

Let me just go and get one of the needles I use for the ear-piercing.

This might hurt a little bit.

MUFFLED SCREAM

Ah. I haven't done it yet!

That wasn't me!

- MUFFLED: - Help!

It's coming from outside!

Fire!

Help! Fire!

- What happened?! - The lamp caught on fire!

The smoke-detector didn't go off!

- Smoke-detector? - What smoke-detector? - Please!

Save my baby, please!

BABY WAILS

I'm not a very good catch!

They used to call me Butterfingers at school!

- Which is a form of microaggression. - Please!

Don't worry! I know exactly what to do.

Suzy!

Throw your baby onto my arse!

It will have a very gentle landing.

It's stuffed with rancid lamb fat.

Do it, Suzy!

It might be your only hope!

Don't worry, I won't charge you for the damage in the flat.

Do it!

Wait!

If we're going to do it, at least let us get it on camera.

We can monetize this any way it goes.

- Come on, Suzy! - Do it, Suzy!

Do it, Suzy!

- Do it! - Ah!

Ah! Got you!

Well done, Mandy!

Although it's disgusting,

your bum has saved a little girl's life.

And that's done wonders for my self-esteem!

And look! The video has already gone viral!

I've broken the internet! I'm bigger than Kim!

- Me next! - No!

Agh!

# Look at that booty Show me the booty

# Gimme the booty, I want the booty

# Back up the booty I need the booty

# I like the booty Oh, what a booty

# Shakin' that booty I saw the booty

# I want the booty Lord, what a booty

# Bring on the booty Give up the booty

# Lovin' the booty, round booty

# Down for the booty I want the booty

# Huntin' the booty Chasin' the booty

# Casin' the booty Gettin' the booty

# Beautiful booty, smokin' booty

# Talk to the booty, more booty

# Fine booty... #