Original subtitles

♪ Well, you came and you gave... ♪

"In 20 words or less, say why you deserve a holiday with McVitie's

"Jammie Faces."

DOOR OPENS

Ah, Mandy.

Why do I deserve a holiday?

McVitie's are having a competition to win a cruise.

You have to collect a lot of coupons, but luckily I eat

lots of biscuits for the vitamins.

I have to say in 20 words or less why I deserve a holiday. Right.

You need to pull at the heartstrings here,

get them feeling sorry for you.

OK. I deserve a holiday

with McVitie's Jammie Faces

because... All your family have just died

in an industrial explosion.

That's ten words, I need ten more.

And you have only three months left to live yourself.

20.

Pop it in the post.

Mandy! ♪ I won the competition. ♪

Oh, my God! Fantastic!

Can I come with you?

Mandy, I'm so sorry.

The holiday is for one person only. That can't be right.

Who gives a holiday for one?

McVitie's. I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

It's fine, you go.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

Don't give me a moment's thought.

You just enjoy yourself.

HORN BLOWS

Mandy, what are you doing in there? Coming with you, Lo!

Holiday for one? What do McVitie's think they're playing at?

But where will you sleep? If you get found out,

we will both be thrown off. It's fine.

There's hundreds of fuckers on this ship.

They can't keep track of everyone.

And how are they going to throw us off?

We're at sea. It's not like they can throw us overboard.

- KNOCK ON DOOR - Oh, shit, zip me back in.

Hello. What is your name, please? Lola Okinado Akimbo.

Ah, yes, here you are - the competition winner.

Sorry to hear about your family.

You are travelling alone, aren't you?

Erm, yes. It's just that we've had trouble with McVitie's winners

before who seem to think that eating their own body weight

in Happy Crunch entitles them to bring stowaways.

Well, I'm all alone.

I'm glad to hear it. That's a big case.

Well, I've never been on a cruise before.

I didn't know what to pack, so I packed everything!

Right.

Well...enjoy your holiday.

SHE SIGHS

What a misery.

He's probably been at sea too long.

MANDY, MUFFLED: He doesn't even know McVitie's

don't make Happy Crunch any more.

I'm not sure they ever did, actually.

I think it may have been another

of Britain's leading biscuit manufacturers.

Hello. Now I know you have someone in here.

I just heard them.

No! You must be mistaken.

I'm here all alone.

I'm going to have to ask to look in your case.

No, you don't have any right to do that.

Oh, you should know, madam, that as ship's purser

I have the authority to investigate possible stowaways

under the Piracy Act 1793.

It's maritime law, the rule of the sea.

Now what have we...

..here?!

I'll be watching you,

Lola Okinado Akimbo.

What a prick. Oh, Mandy, you are going to have to keep

a very low profile on this trip.

Don't worry about me. I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

You won't even know I'm here.

You cannot sleep here, Mandy. There's no room.

And that purser will be looking for you.

I don't want to get you into trouble, Lola.

I'll find somewhere else to sleep.

HORN BLOWS

HORN BLOWS

..kin' hell, is this all free?

Yes, it's all included, except the continental cheeses.

All right. They are extra. OK.

Hey, I'm having a go at that.

That's brilliant, that.

Oh, very entertaining, indeed.

Thank you, Margaret.

- GLASS SINGS - Margaret, thank you so much.

That's a lovely, that is. Brilliant.

Now it's time for our next contestant.

Who have we got? Let's have a look.

OK, and what is your name, my darling?

Mandy Carter.

Mandy. What a lovely name.

And what are you going to do for us tonight, my love?

I'm going to swallow a tangerine whole. You're going to what?

RAISES VOICE: I'm going to swallow a tangerine whole.

Oh, is that dangerous?

Yeah, it can be. I nearly died last time I did it,

but luckily my neck muscles crushed

it and pushed it down at the last minute.

Oh! Well, let's just hope there's a doctor on board.

OK, well, Mandy, in your own time, take it away.

DRUM ROLL

- How about that, everyone? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, that were tense, Mandy.

What an extraordinary talent. Isn't it?

You've seen now all of our super talented

contestants, but it's now time for you to choose a winner.

So in front of you, you'll see a piece of paper and a pen.

And if you would like to write down the number of the contestant

that you enjoyed the most.

So once all the results are in, we will announce the winners.

But in the meantime, here's a song about losers.

♪ Every loser wins

♪ Once the day begins... ♪

Well done, Mandy! Oh, thanks, Lo!

Hey, you don't know where the bogs are, do you?

I think I had too much to eat in that all-you-can-eat buffet.

Down the corridor, on your left.

♪ Every loser wins... ♪

Go on, down you go.

OK, well, we're just counting the votes.

I think we do have a winner, do we?

The winner will have the honour

of winning a ticket to sit and dine with the captain.

Oh, that's posh.

FLUSHING

Oh, don't... Oh, God.

We do have a winner.

OK, well, the winner is number ten, Mandy Carter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Are you pleased? Yeah.

I'm really pleased.

It's not about the winning, is it?

It's just nice to be entered.

Captain, have I introduced you to Mandy Carter?

She's the winner of the talent competition,

and her lovely friend, Lola.

Ah, Lola, the McVitie's competition winner.

I was sorry to hear about the industrial explosion.

I don't believe I've seen you on the ship before, Mandy.

Oh, well, I've been trying to blend in.

Mandy Carter.

Carter, Mandy.

So what is your talent, Mandy Carter?

Well, I can swallow a tangerine whole.

HOST LAUGHS

That's a very fetching dress you have on.

Oh, thanks.

It's just something I threw on.

I served on HMS Invincible

in the Falklands, by the way.

I don't know what any of that means.

Would you show me this trick you do with the tangerine, Mandy?

Yeah, yeah. Have you got one?

I'm the captain.

I can get whatever I want.

Steward.

Tangerine, now.

Would you care for another potato?

Oh, ta!

Take two.

So what do I do? Like this?

No, no, you have to peel it first!

CAPTAIN MOANS

Stand back, stand back!

Don't panic, I am trained in first aid.

It's fine.

It's going to be fine.

I know the Heimalich manoeuvre.

It's the Heimlich manoeuvre - get it right.

Come on!

Cough it up.

Remember the Falklands! Captain?

Come on, get him up.

THEY GASP

Stand back, stand back, stand back.

The Captain is dead.

Oh!

♪ Near, far, wherever you are

♪ I believe that the heart does go on

♪ Once more, you open the door

♪ And you're here in my heart

♪ And my heart will go on

♪ And on. ♪

Yes, thank you. That was very...moving.

It is maritime tradition,

the captain of a ship is buried at sea. Since he served

in the Falklands, it has been the captain's wish to have his body

fired from a cannon.

But we have not had time to do the proper risk assessment for that,

and so we are just going to slide him over the railings.

You! Mandy Carter!

I don't know how you have the nerve to show your face here.

First, you board this ship without a ticket, then your so-called

talent with a tangerine causes the death of our beloved captain.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Stop...right...there.

What now? Do you really think it is appropriate to come to the funeral

of a man who served in the Falklands

wearing an Argentina football top?

That's it! Get this woman off my ship!

HORN BLOWS

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...

..S.

Sea.

No. S.

Sharks. Sky. Stowaway.

No. Sinking ship.

Look. Oh, my God.

HORN BLOWS

I knew there was something wrong with that toilet.