Original subtitles

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Hiya. I'm from Scrubbers, I'm here to do your downstairs.

Right, I'm just off out for a bit. I'll leave you to it. OK, yeah.

Is there any specific areas you want me to clean? All over, really.

Actually, you can start with the front door.

OK. Thank you. See you.

The Sheik Cha Cha by Enoch Light

Alexa, how can I heat up my steak bake?

Alexa, play Like A Virgin by Madonna.

Waste of money.

Ooh, look, a hot tub.

79 Pritchard Avenue, here we are.

I have always wanted to do Who Do You Think You Are?

Oh, this is different. This is Who Are You, Do You Think?

A programme in no way affiliated to the long-running

and successful genealogy show, Who Do You Think You Are?

I'd quite like to be Irish. I always think they seem nice.

Is this the house? Yeah.

Claire Ashbourne.

So all you have to do is, you know, say a few words about

how moved you are to be tracing your family tree,

deeply humbled, blah blah blah, and then knock on the door, OK?

In your own time. And if you feel like crying at any point,

don't hold back, OK? Action.

I suppose I've always had an affinity with the north.

They're simple folk, a bit rough and tumble,

but with an honest kindness.

So to discover I've got relatives here is really exciting.

A cousin I've never met lives right here in this house, and she holds

the clue to what I'll be doing next.

So let's go and meet her.

Who the fucking hell's that?

What do you want?

Oh, hello, it's Deborah Meaden.

Who? Deborah Meaden. I'm with the BBC.

Oh, I only watch ITV.

It's Deborah Meaden. I'm a Dragon.

You having a breakdown?

We rang you up last week. Look.

Happens all the time.

Oils the wheels.

OK, let's go again, Deborah.

And, remember, if you want to cry at any point, just go for it, OK?

Hello, it's Deborah Meaden. I believe we're cousins.

All right, you'd better come through.

Yeah, go through.

This is my house. I live here.

What happened to your arm?

Well, let's say never get involved in an arm wrestling match

with Hilary Devey.

So I gather we share a great grandmother. Oh, right.

Yeah. So I've never actually seen a picture of her.

So I was wondering if you had any photos tucked away anywhere?

No, no, not on me, no.

Erm, when we spoke over the phone last week, you said

that you did have some photos, so it'd be really good

if you could find them.

I'll go and have a look.

Filastrocca Per Cretini by Ennio Morricone

Shite on house.

That's her. That's our nan.

I-I don't know what to say. Aw.

Makes you think, doesn't it.

Ooh, does this mean we'll be filming in India?

Oh, no, I'm afraid not.

We already blew the travel budget flying Sheena Easton to Sri Lanka.

Sheena Easton? Bloody Sheena Easton.

But, look, erm, the two of you, what you've got here, I mean,

it's really good. It's lovely stuff.

Erm, have you got anything else of your nan's?

No.

Are you sure?

I'll go and have a look.

Are we going to be able to use any of this?

I mean, she's so...

..normal. Oh, Deborah, she's fantastic.

I mean, the viewers are going to love her.

I'm just wondering, actually, if it might be an idea

to take her with us for the rest of the journey. Really?

Yeah. I mean, the two of you work really well together.

Be a shame to leave it like this.

I'm not sure.

I mean, you've seen what she's like.

Yeah, no, she's fantastic, isn't she?

She's TV gold.

OK, let's just crack on and get this over and done with.

Filastrocca Per Cretini by Ennio Morricone

Is that what I think it is?

Her earthly remains.

And cut there. Erm, er, basically, we were wondering

if you'd like to join us for the rest of Deborah's journey.

Where are you going? Oldham.

We've got some information there on a relative of yours.

Christ, I hope it's not a Nazi sympathiser.

No, it's a...it's a local historian.

You'll be meeting with him in a records office.

Oh, right. Local historian. I suppose all historians are local

when you think about it.

They say you're never more than three feet from a local historian.

Or is that rats?

Er, so, erm, are you up for it?

Yeah. Just let me put some knickers on.

And action.

So, Jeffery, you're a local historian and you've got some

information on a relative who used to work in a cotton factory?

Er, Lizzie Haworth, your great great grandmother, used to work here

as a cotton piercer, repairing broken lengths of cotton.

A very dangerous job, and many people had accidents.

And, unfortunately, your great great grandmother was one of them.

Her fingers got caught up in the machinery

and she lost six of her fingers.

So she'd have been unable to work.

That's right. Result!

Actually, in those days, of course, there was no benefit system, so not

working meant life could be very difficult indeed, especially

if you didn't have any well-off relatives to help you out.

And I found this in the local paper from the time.

So February the 8th, 1902.

Miss Lizzie Haworth has been taken to court

and charged with soliciting.

She was a prostitute!

Wasn't there some other kind of work she could have done?

Well, she could have taken in washing, as other women did,

but that was long hours for very little money. Mm.

And whacking off some chap would only take a few minutes.

Harder work, though, with less fingers, so.

And cut.

Thanks, Jeffery, that was wonderful. Exactly what we're looking for.

Don't you want to see some of the old factory records?

Er, no, that's great. We've got everything we need. Thank you.

Do you have any other relatives who might be able

to bring Deborah's story to life?

Ooh, there's my Uncle Charlie, but he's a bit...

He's a bit what?

Well, you'll see.

Nature breedin' 'ell.

What do you want?

Th-this is Deborah.

She works at the BBC.

She reckons she's related to us.

Deborah. Deborah, my little flowerpot petal face.

Me baby!

Come in, sparrow.

Come in, cock.

Deborah, this is our Uncle Charlie.

He were a stonemason.

I'm not a mason, but I know a good bit of stonework when I see it.

He went to jail for killing a man stone dead.

These are your cousins.

They're both grown up now.

Han Solo's a roofer, and Obi-Wan's a barrister.

A barrister.

What does he specialise in?

Oat-milk lattes, I think.

That's Mick the fitter.

He fits kitchens.

When he were 15 years old, he had a wood round

and he used to sell chips for half a crown and logs for two bob

and take 'em round on pram wheels.

He had a try-out with Manchester City, but they didn't take him on.

And how's he related to us?

He's not.

It's, er, finally time to scatter your grandmother's ashes.

Er, so just say a few words, have a little cry if you want to, OK?

Erm, in your own time. Action.

So it's...it's strange, because in many ways

I feel like I've come home,

but, then, in other ways, I can't wait to get back to London.

But it's so moving to be scattering the ashes of a member of the family

who I'd never met, but in so many ways feel very connected to.

She would have been so chuffed to be on the telly.

Well, it's been lovely, but I really do need to get back to London.

Maybe we can watch the show together when it goes out.

That'd be lovely.

You will let us know when it's on, won't you?

Of course, Deborah. Great.

You must pop round sometime.

Yeah, well, thanks.

Filastrocca Per Cretini by Ennio Morricone

Ooh.

Mind if I unplug your phone?

I just need to plug my slow cooker in.

That'll be done by Reading.

Oh, it's you.

Our show's on today.

You said we could watch it together, but they never told me it was on.

Yeah, but... Just come through.

Ooh, look, you've got a chandelier.

It's been a really moving and sometimes baffling experience,

but I think I can safely say that I now know

who I think I am.

Not as good as Danny Dyer's, but still all right.

Well, thanks, Claire,

I have to say I genuinely couldn't have done it without you.

Claire? Who's Claire?

I'm Mandy.

Mandy? You're not Claire Ashbourne?

No. So we're not related?

This whole show's been a lie.

I thought it were weird.

You didn't think to question why a TV producer was talking about

all the telephone calls he had with you?

Well, no matter, who's to know.

As long as I get invited on Taskmaster, I don't care.

Ooh, that might be Taskmaster now.

What? 37 missed calls from Meera Syal.

Do you want some stew, Deborah?

Oh, Mandy...

..I'm out.

I'll have some.

Is it beef?

♪ Oh!

♪ Papa loves mambo

♪ Mama loves mambo

♪ Papa does great with it

♪ Swings like a gate with it

♪ Evens his weight with it, now

♪ He goes to

♪ She goes fro

♪ He goes fast

♪ She goes slow. ♪