Original subtitles

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

I really can't understand the demonization of pigeons.

I think they're nice.

And they really helped us out during the war,

you know, delivering messages and stuff.

They're really intelligent.

You're not meant to smoke in here.

Am I not? Well, of course not. They're bad for your health.

First I've heard of it.

Fake news.

Smoking will knock 15 years off your life.

15 years?!

That means I'll be dead by...

Well, the most important thing... Hang on. Nearly there.

2026.

That's terrible. World's Strongest Man is coming to Gateshead in 2030 -

I can't miss that.

Well, stop smoking, eat healthy food and stay active

and there's no reason you couldn't go to Gateshead.

What do you mean, eat healthy?

Well, do you have your five portions of fruit and veg? Yes, done that.

What do you mean, you've done it?

Well, I had a banana in the early '80s,

had some broccoli in 1984.

1990, I had a corn on the cob.

That were actually quite nice so I had another in 1993.

And on 9/11, I had a toffee apple,

just to cheer meself up.

No, you've fundamentally misunderstood

the concept of five a day.

A day?! You're joking?! Who's got time for that?

Look, if you want to go to Gateshead,

you're going to have to make some changes.

I need to get to Gateshead. What do I need to do? Tell me.

Eat healthy food...

..get some exercise

and there are various things you can do to stop smoking.

Patches, gums, hypnotherapy.

But I'm going to give you a prescription

for some pills to help you

because your uterus really should not be mustard yellow.

What colour should it be?

Well, pink, obviously.

Who knew?

Oh, look at you in your new tracksuit.

MANDY GASPS FOR BREATH

This is the new me, Lola.

I'm going to exercise, eat better and I'm giving up smoking

cos me uterus has gone mustard yellow.

What colour is it supposed to be? Pink, apparently.

How's the nicotine cravings? Fine.

Every time I fancy a fag, just take some of these.

Good for you.

To be honest, Lola, it's the exercise that's killing me.

I've tried running and it's an absolute shithouse.

Why not get a dog? I had a friend who was 18 stone.

She got a dog, walked it every day,

and now she's only 17-and-a-half stone.

I can't afford one. Otherwise, you know me, Lola,

I'd have a Dobermann Pinscher like that.

You could walk other people's dogs.

That's a great idea.

MUSIC: Eat Y'self Fitter by The Fall

INAUDIBLE

He's a big dog, in't he?

Yeah.

He's a good boy, Max.

He's been such a comfort since my wife died.

Well, he's all... Can I walk him or what?

Well, actually...

..it's my turn to host the widowers' support group this evening

so, yeah, you could take him for a walk for a couple of hours.

Great.

He always tries to hump Keith's leg, which is a bit distressing for him,

so, erm...

Anyhow, I'm at 12 Lavender Lane.

Right. I promise not to hurt him.

Great.

Come round about 5:30!

All right. Yeah, yeah...

Hey, great tip about the dog walking, Lola.

I've got the healthy eating sorted, too.

That's my girl.

I'm going to do vegetable smoothies.

Only that sounds a bit dull, dun't it,

so I'm going to throw in some meat as well, ease meself in.

Oh, excuse me,

your bag, it's dripping blood all over my Yellow Pages.

Oh, it'll wipe off.

Well, it's everywhere. Please, could you move it?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

All right, all right!

Is this what you want? This? Do you want me to remove it for you?

What are you looking for, hm?

A plumber? Looking for a plumber, were you?

You're not going to find him now, are you, eh?!

Find him now!

Find your little plumber.

Oh, Yellow Pages. Looking at the Yellow Pages.

Oooh!

Look what you made me do.

I don't know what came over me, Lola.

A red mist came up and I just blacked out.

Let me have a look at those pills.

"Side effects include increased appetite, sleeplessness and..."

Yes, "violent mood swings"!

Mandy, you cannot eat these pills. What am I going to do, Lola?

I need to stop smoking or I'll not live

to see the Strongman competition.

You should try hypnotherapy.

Where am I going to find one of those?

Yellow Pages.

Let your fingers do the walking.

Oh, H is covered in blood.

I know.

♪ Eat y'self fitter? Eat y'self fitter! ♪

Yeah, I'm not really that kind of hypnotist.

I'm more a make you dance like Rod Stewart

to "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" kind of hypnotist.

Oh, go on. I'll give you 20 quid.

And whatever this is.

Yeah, all right, I'll give it a go.

Smoking, is it?

Yeah.

Given up smoking, me. I've been hypnotised not to.

I'm really enjoying it.

Don't miss it at all.

Not at all.

No, if I get a craving,

I'll just have, like, a healthy smoothie or something.

And if that doesn't hit the spot, I'll just throw some meat in,

give it a bit of oomph.

Yeah, I got all this from the butcher for a fiver

cos he said it were going off.

Most of it's still quite pink.

That's the colour I'd like my lungs to be.

And my uterus...

..eventually.

Anyway, what time is it?

Oh, bloody hell, I can't sit here gassing with you all day!

I've got to walk that bloke's dog.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hiya. I've come for Max.

Of course.

Max.

Max!

Come here, boy. Come here, then.

Erm, these are his treats.

Make sure he doesn't have more than three,

but don't let him have less than one.

These are his, erm, poo bags.

This is a coat for him in case it rains.

And this is a little hat for him in case it's sunny.

Yeah... HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Bye-bye, Max. Bye-bye.

Love you, Max.

Love you so, so much.

I'll miss you, my little sausage. Yes.

Love you, Max. You'll be back with Daddy soon. Yes, yes, yes.

Love you. Love you. Love you, Max.

Yes, you will. Yes.

Love you. Love you so much. Love you.

You'll take good care of him, won't you? Yeah, I won't hurt it.

Come on.

Max, slow down!

DOG BARKS

MUSIC: Eat Y'self Fitter by The Fall

♪ Heifer whines

♪ Could be human cries

♪ Closer comes

♪ The screaming knife... ♪

Oh, God.

♪ This beautiful creature must die... ♪

Oh, God!

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God! Oh, sweet Jesus, what have I done?

Since she's gone,

I've...I've been living on boiled eggs.

I don't even know how to work the oven.

One silly little thing I've done

to, erm, to keep her memory alive

is I've changed the ringtone on my phone

to her favourite song.

A bit silly, really.

It's funny, Keith not turning up.

Not like him at all.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Maybe that's him.

Excuse me.

CRIES: I've got some terrible news.

What is it?

Where's Max?

He's dead.

I think I've eaten him.

What do you mean?

I've been taking these pills.

They've turned me into a monster.

I tore Max limb from limb. No.

No, not...not Max as well.

I have these mood swings, these blackouts.

One of the side-effects is increased appetite.

So...

..I've ripped your dog to shreds and eaten him.

I scraped up what's left of him.

Oh, God.

I was supposed to be eating healthy and all, so it's bad for me as well.

On the plus side, the hypnotism I've been doing must have worked

because I haven't felt like a fag in the last half-hour.

♪ If you want my body and you think I'm sexy

♪ Come on, sugar, let me know

♪ If you really need me, just reach out and touch me

♪ Come on, honey, tell me so

MUSIC: Do You Think I'm Sexy? by Rod Stewart

♪ He's acting shy, looking for an answer

♪ Come on, honey, let's spend the night together

♪ Now hold on a minute before we go much further

♪ Give me a dime so I can phone my mother

♪ They catch a cab to his high-rise apartment

♪ At last he can tell her exactly what his heart meant

♪ If you want my body and you think I'm sexy

♪ Come on, honey, tell me so

♪ If you really need me, just reach out and touch me

♪ Come on, sugar, let me know... ♪